Does it get easier?

[danny-]

I lost my mom 5 years ago. It was a sudden and traumatic death in many ways. My entire childhood she was addicted to various drugs, including heroin which is eventually what killed her. She had gotten clean when I was 11, and managed to stay clean for all of 3 years give or take a few months. No one in my family knew she had started using again and so none of us were prepared for her death. I was 14 at the time and I was there when she passed away. We were in a grocery store and I remember watching her fall over and start turning this blueish gray shade. She was making this snoring noise and not knowing any better, I thought that meant she was alright. I don’t know. The night she died I didn’t cry. Actually I didn’t cry until we got her autopsy report back. Cause of death: overdose. That’s when the angry, uncontrollable sobs started and they didn’t stop for weeks. I was so pissed. I had a week left of 8th grade and I failed all my state tests, didn’t get to go on our 8th grade trip or anything. None of my teachers or counselors knew how to step in and help and I kept being told the sudden failing was my fault for getting lazy. Now, before any of this, my mom was my best friend. My biggest supporter and the only person I felt that truly loved me unconditionally. I’m only 19 now and even still, I feel like I can’t find anyone who genuinely cares about me. I have a best friend who has very similar mental illnesses to me and I’m always trying to help her feel better, but the moment I show symptoms of mine I get shut down by her and her family. I don’t talk much to my own family anymore because we all shut down and hide away within ourselves. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I struggle so badly with trying to feel okay just for a moment. Somedays are better than others, but the night always seems to end with me feeling just so utterly alone and drained. I’ve been to therapy multiple times, I’ve been on more medications than I can count, and no matter what I just still feel like I’m not worth it anymore. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just like if I’m not numb, I’m miserable. Actually, I’m still miserable when I’m numb, I just can ignore it better. And I know that probably just sounds like I’m trying to be edgy or whatever, but it’s true. I feel alone and worthless and nothing seems to help. I just want my mom back. I want some semblance of my normal self back. I’m turning 20 next year and I still don’t have my **** together and that makes me feel like a failure. I know grief isn’t linear and I’ve been told it lasts a lifetime, but when does it get easier? If ever. 

[Reaghan]

hey danny, yes it does. i lost my dad 4 months ago and not a second goes by when i’m not hurting. but you have to think about it this way, the pain and the struggles that your mom went through it’s all over now. I don’t know if you’re religious or not but she’s in a better place and she no longer has to deal with pain. she’s happy, healthy and in the best shape of her life. you are never not gonna hurt and grieve but with time and surrounding yourself with people you love it will get easier it just takes longer for some people. 

[reader]

Dear Danny,

We are care about you. Please know you are not alone. I'm so sorry because I know it's hard to be on this Earth without your beloved mom.  Don't be hard on yourself. Whether you are you are 20 or 50 sometimes none of us have our act together. 

There is so much hurt and pain and sorrow and I know it feels like nothing will ever be right again. It's been 5 years for me and there are days I still spiral. I too wish my dad was here. I try to keep taking it day by day for now. Do what you can each day to care about yourself. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. I'm so stubborn and hate asking for help but I know there are good people in the world. I'm sure you can connect with the right people that will support you.

Thinking of you.