Tearing off the scab...again and again

[Suzanne Cooke]

Two years and 4 months and forever and yesterday.  It seems like every time I've built up a cocoon to cushion my mind from the grief something; a song, a scent, a memento found; tears me open again.  Today, it was my therapist.  We were discussing they way people I thought were friends have totally ghosted me.  I have been very hurt that they never called or sent a card or in any way acknowledged my loss.  She pointed out that they were "social" friends who probably - or obviously - did not see their friendship with me as something lasting or valuable.  That was a brutal realization.  I had been contemplating how to re-ignite those friendships without feeling resentful.  The therapist told me not to further invest myself.  To write them letters expressing my hurt, but to then destroy the letters, purging myself of the feelings of abandonment.

Of course that brought back the memories of those frightful, terrible days just before and after Mark died.  (There, I said 'died', not 'passed or 'left'.  A small step). It has been as if no time has passed.  I have been crying - wailing actually - all day.  Reading through my on again, off again journal I can see a spiral of repetition.  Nothing is getting better.  It is a litany of the same mourning, the same missing him SO MUCH.  The same rock on my soul grinding away at me.  I'm running on empty and its never going to stop.  Tonight, I'm sad and depressed and so angry.  Angry with no focus.  I wish I could die, but totally lack the courage to take any action.  So I wallow in grief and self pity. I realize I'm only likely to live another 10 or 15 years.  But those years loom ahead of me like a horrific dark tunnel.  The only light at the end is Mark waiting for me.  We had always promised to haunt one another, but he has reneged on that promise.  I'm angry about that too.  I would have some small consolation if he would haunt me.  But all is silence.  All is silence.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Suzanne Cooke said:

The only light at the end is Mark waiting for me.  We had always promised to haunt one another, but he has reneged on that promise.  I'm angry about that too.  I would have some small consolation if he would haunt me.  But all is silence.  All is silence.

I don't know if you are a religious person but I don't think it matters when you read what I'm going to say here. My husband was a good Christian man. His faith in God was deep and altho I've always been a believer, my husband taught me a lot about what is in the Bible so that I could understand it better. People are always saying that our loved ones are looking down on us from Heaven and looking out for us....but my husband said the Bible says not so. He said it was because (or something like this) that it is God who decides who gets to see or be with someone when they are in Heaven. He may or may not let a loved one see us until our own time comes and even then He decides who we will see in Heaven. Now, like you I would very much like to see my husband appear or as you put it "haunt" me or to have him give me a sign that he's okay and looking out for me still but...that wasn't what he believed in. I sat and thought about that and decided that since that was not something he believed in and because he said it was in the Bible, I will not try to "look for him". I know that seems almost cold but I want to honor him by respecting his beliefs. And through that, he is with me here. And I have been having a lot of conversations with him...even if he can't hear me it somehow lets me "release" some of this grief. 

[tnd]

BTW: I used to write letters to friends about all the things in life that were bothering or worrying me. I'd write, write, write. But I would never mail the letters and they'd end up in the trash. A therapist was surprised and told me that writing such letters was an excellent way of letting stuff out. So keep writing your own letters. Weeks, months, years. Eventually you don't feel the need to.   

[Maria_PI]

Suzanne, your first sentence sums it up - “forever and yesterday”! That’s how I feel - it seems like forever since I’ve been alone and it seems like yesterday that we were together. Till we meet again. For me it might even be longer, but I try not to put a number on it because it hurts. I can relate to everything you say, the “friends” who never called after my husband died, the setbacks in the grief, the triggers like a song, or a photo or even just a thought or memory. I know for me it’s only been a year but just when I think I have reached a place of some comfort where I don’t hurt as much, something pulls me back into the pit, out of the blue. For myself, I’ve found that forgetting the fake friends and making a new friend helps, change of scenery, establishing a new habit like going out for walks on the beach or in the park helps a little. Accomplishing little projects related to him or in his name, one at a time, helps keep me occupied yet connected with him still.
If writing the diary doesn’t help anymore and rather pulls you back down, maybe consider something else. If the therapist is now a trigger, I would leave. I hope you find a solution that puts you at peace and makes your life easier.


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

For myself, I’ve found that forgetting the fake friends and making a new friend helps, change of scenery, establishing a new habit like going out for walks on the beach or in the park helps a little. Accomplishing little projects related to him or in his name, one at a time, helps keep me occupied yet connected with him still.

This!

Every single one of "our friends" disappeared immediately!  I was shocked, it hit me hard on top of what I was already going through!  My two best friends didn't even bother attending his funeral!  No excuse whatsoever.  These articles were of help to me.  I let them go and amazingly a new best friend emerged that I'd barely known before, we were close over the next ten years (she lost her husband four years after mine passed) until she moved & remarried in another state.  I haven't gotten one quite like her yet but have a few "friends" now, just not as close.

Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I Not Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

[KayC]

6 hours ago, tnd said:

I know that seems almost cold but I want to honor him by respecting his beliefs.

One way of honoring them is to carry on what was important to them or what we learned from them.  I tried keeping up his garden, however I discovered I did NOT have a green thumb and had to let that idea go!    But I have learned so much from him, he was wise when it came to dealing with people (he used to say you have to speak to people in the language they understand, and I agree), so I keep those lessons with me.  He was very caring and always helping those down and out so I tried to respect that and carry it out when it was time to let go of most of his clothes, I took them to Sponsors, an organization dear to his heart, it benefited those getting out of prison with only the clothes on their backs.  He also cared about the homeless.

[SDC]

Hi Suzanne. I'm sorry for your pain and I relate to what you shared. (My loss was 14 months ago). I too struggle with anger and hurt with people who ghosted me and/or provided minimal support. It's grossly unfair to feel abandoned and hurt by others when grappling with profound loss. I agree with your therapist: don't further invest yourself in people who let you down. We learn who truly cares about us when we suffer our hardest loss. To paraphrase Maya Angelou--when people show you who they are, believe them. I think writing letters that you tear up (I prefer the more dramatic sight of burning them over a sink) is a good way to purge bad feelings. I've done it multiple times and feel a release each time. 

I wailed yesterday when my new cat broke the largest stem of a plant my husband was especially proud of (he was bad with plants and pleased when one thrived). I sat on the floor and sobbed. A randomly broken plant stem threw me back into the pit of despair. I don't think there's a way to avoid such instances, but I think their intensity will lessen with time. 

 

I'm also sorry you don't feel like he's "haunting you." I know it would be comforting if you felt what seemed like a sign(s) from him. But consider this: just because his after death presence isn't manifesting how you once imagined, doesn't mean his energy (spirit) isn't all around you. We can't see oxygen, but we can't exist without it. Does our inability to see/feel oxygen eliminate its presence? No. Not at all.  Perhaps the same applies with our deceased loved ones. 

 

 

[june483]

Thank you and thanks to your therapist.  I strangely feel guilty (how dumb is that?!) for not reaching out to people that have ghosted me.  I feel like it is my fault for not making an effort to reconnect after a year and a half, longer actually because we started getting ghosted as soon as he was diagnosed.    I am not going to reach out and that is that! I am here if someone wants to stay in touch but if not, so be it.  I would rather go it alone and in fact there are others out there who I can lunch with or whatever if I so choose. 

I am doing the 19 year count down.  I'll be 80 in 19 years and I hope that I will not last longer than 80! I made it though 1 1/2 years, I guess I'll have to hang in there but I am ready anytime. 

On the religious aspect:  Being brought up Catholic, I realize that I am not supposed to pray to my husband to please visit me in a dream or send me a message, so I pray to God to send him to visit me in my dreams.  I have had some dreams where I felt his presence.  I do speak to my husband during the day however and hope he hears me.  I do think he is out there but I don't like to think he is hovering around me every minute. I hope the afterlife is a bit more complex than that!  So I talk to my husband but I pray to God.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, SDC said:

I'm also sorry you don't feel like he's "haunting you." I know it would be comforting if you felt what seemed like a sign(s) from him. But consider this: just because his after death presence isn't manifesting how you once imagined, doesn't mean his energy (spirit) isn't all around you. We can't see oxygen, but we can't exist without it. Does our inability to see/feel oxygen eliminate its presence? No. Not at all.  Perhaps the same applies with our deceased loved ones. 

You just made me remember a conversation my husband and I had. He told me God is the one who decides who we see and/or are with upon entering Heaven. My husband didn't believe in ghosts. Me, because of some very strange experiences I've had in years past, I am not so sure. But I will honor my husband and not be "looking" for him to appear. However, we once had a conversation where I asked him, "Well, what about the Holy Ghost mentioned in prayers and the Bible?". I can't quite remember but I don't think my husband had a answer for that and was going to research it for me. He did say that when we die our Spirit leaves the body and enters Heaven and our bodies are just a shell. I'd like to think our Spirits can see our loved ones or our loved ones Spirit can visit us in some form. For now I do have a lot of proof that he existed. And he was largely responsible for who I am. He made me a better person. He will forever live on with me in that capacity. Always. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, SDC said:

To paraphrase Maya Angelou--when people show you who they are, believe them.

For sure!  It amazes me that we think people are our best friends but when something hard hits, they show their true colors.

20 hours ago, SDC said:

A randomly broken plant stem threw me back into the pit of despair

Oh man, I get this!

20 hours ago, SDC said:

Does our inability to see/feel oxygen eliminate its presence? No. Not at all.  Perhaps the same applies with our deceased loved ones. 

So apt an analogy!

13 hours ago, june483 said:

I strangely feel guilty (how dumb is that?!) for not reaching out to people that have ghosted me. 

I hope you'll let go of that!  We're programmed to think we SHOULD do this, we SHOULD do that, but no!

 

11 hours ago, tnd said:

He did say that when we die our Spirit leaves the body and enters Heaven and our bodies are just a shell.

It does say we'll get a new body.  What that's like I don't know but it won't wear out like this one because we're told there's no more pain, no more tears!  No more death.

I don't personally try to figure it out but here's some articles on it:

Nightmares and Bad Dreams in Grief
Dreams control
How To Control Your Dream (While You're Sleeping) | HuffPost
control your dreams? Here's how you can -- ScienceDaily

[tnd]

On 6/12/2021 at 8:48 AM, KayC said:

One way of honoring them is to carry on what was important to them or what we learned from them.  I tried keeping up his garden, however I discovered I did NOT have a green thumb and had to let that idea go!    But I have learned so much from him

Until we had to sell our house years back (we got laid off) and moved into an apartment, my husband was very much into gardening. He knew what/when and where in the yard to plant. Apparently my sister in-law does some gardening. Since I have to move in with by brother and her, maybe she will let me have a small area to garden. They live way out in the country with a giant yard. There are also trails I can walk. I think it could help me deal with the grief but also maybe offer a chance for my sister in-law and I to connect better. We don't hate each other but we have had a falling out in the past and have made up since then a long time ago. But we 've been distant. Now I am going to be living in her house! Yikes! So maybe gardening would put us on some common ground. If anything, I could at least help her with her gardening and she shouldn't complain about that, right? Because I have Pulmonary Sarcoidosis and on oxygen 24/7, I can't physically do a lot and when I do something, I have to go slow. But I have portable O2 and maybe my sis in-law will see my need to do something, just a little something to stay busy while making myself useful at the same time. Moving isn't going to be easy and living with them might prove even harder but I have no choice. Well, I should start a list now of "Things I Want To Do".  Thank you so much for your response to my post, it's given me something to think about and maybe look forward to. 

[Suzanne Cooke]

4 hours ago, tnd said:

 Moving isn't going to be easy and living with them might prove even harder but I have no choice.

@20 years ago we moved in with Mark's parents "just for 6 months"; I mean we lived with them for 20 years.  The hardest part was having no say in, well, anything.  Not my house (no decorating or painting), not my yard (no landscaping or gardening of my own), not my kitchen (no cooking, no arranging things), not my Christmas tree, not even my groceries!.  It got extremely frustrating at times.  But I outlived everyone 8>P.  By then I was in a wheelchair and had to move out cause ...wait for it... not my house..  So my advice is to find SOMETHING that you control, even just a potted plant.

[Suzanne Cooke]

Thank you everyone who spread that net and "caught" me the other night.  I was in a truly dark place.  I feel much better today. I am working at several art projects.  My girlfriend came to visit.  Life continues.  THANK YOU.

[tnd]

4 hours ago, Suzanne Cooke said:

So my advice is to find SOMETHING that you control, even just a potted plant.

Suzanne Cook:  Thank you for the heads up. That is good advice. I am actually going to put your suggestion on my list of "Things I Want To Do" so I can keep it in mind as I add to my list. Over the years and for various reasons, mostly financial and due to health issues, I've become good at enjoying and appreciating the simpler things in life. Just sitting at a window to watch birds or people walking their dogs while I have my coffee became a pleasant routine for me. I had to learn to do this to avoid going crazy and feeling too sorry for myself. I don't know if anything I've learned can be applied to coping with the heartache I am feeling right now but I can always hope that it will at least lessen the pain.   

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Suzanne Cooke said:

So my advice is to find SOMETHING that you control, even just a potted plant.

Great advice!  Grief can make us feel we've lost control, and I lost my Arlie 8/16/19 (my soulmate in a dog as my soulmate George has been gone so many years) and shortly thereafter began Covid with it's social isolation.  My blood sugar was out of control on highest doses Rxs, and so I began my health journey 1/01/20, I lost 25 year old Kitty 1/6/20.  I lost 75 lbs, got off the diabetic Rxs, statins, and am now working on my BP.    It felt good to accomplish something this last year as everything else felt out of control!  I continue learning and using what I've been through to help others (I'm moderator on a diabetic group...it's very hands on and I continue learning true medical information every day, things doctors & dietitians did not teach us...George died of a heart attack with diabetic complications).  I cannot change the past but I can help others going forward, with what I've learned.

You are fortunate to be able to create!  I too have artistic ability inside...I used to create and display/sell my items in a local art gallery before it closed.  But last year I got severe hand injuries and surgery hurt not helped, I live with permanent pain and loss of strength now, so don't do as much with my hands now.  I even got a leash that goes around my core for my puppy rather than my hands, which is kind of nice being hands free.  

We all discover what works for us and do our best to help ourselves through this.  I'm so glad each of you is here!  Although I wish none of us have cause to be.

[june483]

On 6/13/2021 at 10:23 AM, KayC said:

 

I don't personally try to figure it out but here's some articles on it:

Nightmares and Bad Dreams in Grief
Dreams control
How To Control Your Dream (While You're Sleeping) | HuffPost
control your dreams? Here's how you can -- ScienceDaily

I love these articles!  For all my life I would have lucid colorful dreams, mostly I would just fly sometimes over the tree tops, to get one place to another, as I knew I was in a dream and was safe. This concept is really true.  I had a few lucid dreams of my husband in the early months where I knew I was dreaming and that he had passed and I just held on tight to him and enjoyed every second.  When I woke I actually felt so much better, for awhile anyways.  I can't seem to grasp it again now but I am committed to work on this.  I think I am sleep deprived a lot now and not REM'ing as much,  perhaps that is the problem.  I figure sleeping is 1/3 of my life so I want to make good use of it and look for my husband in my dreams and if I can know I am dreaming while I am there, all the better!

[Suzanne Cooke]

How awesome those dreams are. When I was a child, I not only had lucid dreams, but shared them with my brother.  We didn't realize this until well into adulthood and were reminiscing one day.  I am glad they were happy - if bizarre - dreams.  A lot of flying.  The flying took a lot of effort, mostly mental concentration, but some physical effort too.  If there were lucid horror/nightmares (shudder) I don't remember them.  But a few of my other dreams I can still recall.

[Sparky1]

7 hours ago, Suzanne Cooke said:

How awesome those dreams are. When I was a child, I not only had lucid dreams, but shared them with my brother.  We didn't realize this until well into adulthood and were reminiscing one day.  I am glad they were happy - if bizarre - dreams.  A lot of flying.  The flying took a lot of effort, mostly mental concentration, but some physical effort too.  If there were lucid horror/nightmares (shudder) I don't remember them.  But a few of my other dreams I can still recall.

I've always had dreams of flying over trees, buildings, all kinds of stuff. Mind you it's not like in the movies where you're stretched out like Superman. It's more like giant hops and I just barely clear what I am flying over. I haven't had one in a while but they seem so realistic, and when I wake up I'm amazed at how vivid they are.