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4 weeks ago today...


ranger72

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ranger72:  First, I want to offer my condolences to you. I just lost my husband three days ago. And like you, I wasn't expecting it. Also like you and your husband did, we always discussed and made decisions together too. So now what? I don't like suddenly being left to make decisions alone and I certainly don't like being without him, period. I really do not know what we are to do financially when we are left without any sort of income or resources. I just found out today from Social Security that I do not qualify for Spousal Death Benefits. I may have to apply for Disability and because I've got a rare disease in which there is no category for it with the SSA, I may have to get a lawyer. I have no idea how that would happen...I am basically penniless. So, I feel for you! I really do! Dealing with kids, a nasty ex-wife and the Army -all on top of the unthinkable and terrible loss of your husband. I think we all wish we could help each other to deal with everything. Just a little. But if you have even  just one person to turn to for solace or to help with paperwork, errands etc...then I would explain to them that you need their full attention. And I hope you stay on here to post how things are going. Maybe someone on here has dealt with the Army before and can steer you in the right direction. By the way, I want to thank both you and your late husband for your service and sacrifices to our Country. 

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Ranger72 and tnd, I would like to offer my condolences to both of you on the loss of your husbands. You both have come to a great forum with great people who can relate to your loss. I hope both of you can find some comfort in reading about our similar experiences of losing our loved ones.

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20 hours ago, ranger72 said:

I catch myself thinking that I need to talk to Andrew, he would know what to do. But he is gone and I am alone dealing with his army and his crazy ex-wife. He was my rock. there was nothing that we couldn't do when we did it together. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and he is next to me alive and ok. 

Welcome ranger72.  It's sounds trite to say that I'm so sorry you are going through this, but it is also true.  I can only imagine the shock you are feeling, the disbelief.  I do know the feeling of having our lives ripped into bits and the pain, both emotional and physical, that comes with that.

That you are dealing with so many financial issues just makes this impossible time worse.  I'm glad that you are fighting for his Army retirement benefits.  I will be sending good thoughts and hopes for you to win.

With the life insurance, I suspect that his divorce decree will be declared the ruling document, but I also think that your compromise seems reasonable.  His ex sounds like a real piece of work.  Her "it's none of your business" attitude strikes a wrong note with me.  She should be using it for the benefit of their child.  Were you thinking that the trust would be held until your step-daughter becomes an adult?  Your lawyer can advise you on what kind of set up would be most acceptable to the courts.  If he had enough SSA work credits, his daughter will qualify for survivor benefits, which would probably replace any loss of child support.

What a burden all this is for you on top of your heart and life being shattered.  My heart hurts for you.

18 hours ago, tnd said:

I may have to apply for Disability and because I've got a rare disease in which there is no category for it with the SSA, I may have to get a lawyer. I have no idea how that would happen...I am basically penniless.

I have some experience (on the personal side; I stress--I am not a lawyer or any sort of legal professional).  There are many lawyers who specialize in SSDI claims.  I'm not sure how their fees are set up, but I know that in the ads I've seen it sounds like they don't charge up front, but take it on retainer.  I'd imagine it's a percentage of benefits for X length of time or something similar.  I know there are cases where the court has ordered the SSA to pay the plaintiff's legal fees, but I don't know if that's typical.

You can start the process yourself by going onto the SSA website and filling out the initial claim forms.  You absolutely must have your doctors on board because that documentation is required.  If possible, have someone you trust help you with them.  Most people, especially those who don't have a specific listed condition, are denied in the initial phase.  Then you appeal, which you can still do yourself, but this is where many people seem to get a lawyer.  Most of those appeals are denied (of course!). 

After that, you appeal for a hearing with an Administrative Law Judge.  I helped someone with that phase and we did something I still think was really smart:  A court date was assigned 8 months down the road (already 16 months into the process) with the circuit judge's name and physical address included.  We put together a binder with sections of medical reports and notes, test results, letters from friends and family, letters from doctors, copies of the forms from the initial phases including how the condition affects daily life, and two articles about the condition.  We wrote a letter stating that we knew the judge's time was valuable and that he had a full docket, so we wanted him to have information in advance to save time.  Well...fast forward only 3 weeks and here comes an approval packet from the state SSA office.  The judge got our package, read it, and made a summary judgment that basically said, "Are you idiots freaking kidding?  Of course this person is permanently disabled and here's why I'm ruling the way I am."  It included a detailed accounting of how he arrived at his decision and instructed the SSA office to process the approval immediately. 

I know you absolutely do not need one more thing to deal with right now.  I wish I could say, "Give yourself time" because I am certain you are barely getting through the day as it is.  But please, I urge you to get onto the SSA website and get started as soon as you are mentally able.  Ask for help from someone who believes in you if you can.  If you've had this condition a long time, you will definitely want to consult your doctors about when they believe you became fully disabled.

I'm not asking you to answer here, but did the SSA tell you why you don't qualify for spousal survivor benefits?  I know that there are specific qualifications and ages that need to be met, but am not sure how that works.  If they didn't give you a full explanation, you might want to request one because, "You don't qualify" is not a complete response.

I am so sorry you find yourself here with us and that you faced with financial burdens all while starting this painful and unwelcome journey.  Please keep coming here to talk and rant and "scream" if you need to.  You are not alone.

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20 hours ago, ranger72 said:

4 weeks ago today, my husband died. I went to lunch, came home and he was laying in our bed, dead. They tell me it was a dissected aorta. All I know is one second he is leaning in the car window telling me goodbye and he loves me and an hour later he is dead. He was a vibrant, 48 year old, healthy, larger than life, kind, loving, outgoing man. And let me tell you, he loved me more than what I ever thought was possible.  We had been together for 9 years and married for 5. We were both a second marriage for each other, and we both had children from our previous marriages. My 2 girls were teenagers when we met and fell in love and his daughter was 4 years old. I had never met a more loving/emotional man - he was unique. and he was all mine. I loved him so much it feels like my heart is physically breaking. 

Nothing is going "right" with his death. He was an Army Reservist who was 60 DAYS from his 20 year retirement. So what that means is that I get nothing - no pension, no tricare for life, nothing. I have to appeal to the retirement board for an exception to the law. I was told this appeal process will probably take 2 years. Also, according to his divorce decree, he was supposed to name his ex-wife as beneficiary of his military life insurance...he had put me as the beneficiary. She is freaking out because I said I would put that money into a trust for Andrew's daughter and she said no - she wants the money and it is none of my business what she does with it. She is withholding me from seeing my step-daughter. I have not seen her since 2 days after the funeral. I love that child like she is my own and she absolutely loves me. So her mom has always hated me for that. Now we have lawyers involved. 

I don't want to do any of this. I catch myself thinking that I need to talk to Andrew, he would know what to do. But he is gone and I am alone dealing with his army and his crazy ex-wife. He was my rock. there was nothing that we couldn't do when we did it together. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and he is next to me alive and ok.  

I am so sorry for your loss, that anyone has to go through this!  It has been the hardest thing I've experienced in my life, and that says a lot for I have been through much.  I did not see how I could do a week without my George and here it is (6/19, Father's Day that year) 16 years.  Time goes on whether we want it to or not.  I did not see how the sun could rise and set without him in it!  I have learned to coexist with my grief, but it took much time just to process it (about three years)...everyone's time line is different.  (I think Gail says the same.)

We welcome you here and hope you will continue to come here to read/post, it helps to express yourself and know you are not alone in what you are feeling.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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11 minutes ago, KayC said:

Time goes on whether we want it to or not.  I did not see how the sun could rise and set without him in it!  I have learned to coexist with my grief, but it took much time just to process it (about three years)...everyone's time line is different.  (I think Gail says the same.)

While I'm not there yet, I am definitely learning how to carry my grief as part of my life, rather than the crushing, overwhelming weight it was at first.  As I come up to 3 years, I look back and see that I have taken many small steps forward.  I no longer feel it's a betrayal of John and our love when I smile or laugh, when I enjoy doing something with friends or family, or when I find bits of happiness.  Of course, I will never be happy in the way I was before, but I am learning that it's okay to feel happiness with good things now.

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16 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I am so sorry you find yourself here with us and that you faced with financial burdens all while starting this painful and unwelcome journey.  Please keep coming here to talk and rant and "scream" if you need to.  You are not alone.

Thank you so very much for your kindness today, foreverhis. And especially thank you for the info you provided. More than likely I will be moving in with my brother and his family later this summer. He is going to help me out. I am thinking of starting the disability process after the move so I can establish a new team of doctors and new insurance (right now my plan isn't offered in my brother's state but surely a comparable one will be). I have an appt with one of my doctors later this month (if I can get over there) and I plan to give him a heads up on my need to apply for disability. The reason I don't qualify for Spouse Death Benefits is because you have to be at least 60 yrs old. I am only 57. 

This is so hard right now. Everything is. Crying hasn't helped, asking "why" won't bring him back and neither does knowing that he's no longer suffering. He had been in the hospital for several months and I couldn't see him because of no transportation and I'm tethered to oxygen. He had our only bank card with him so, I couldn't take a taxi. Luckily I had the number written down so I was able to order groceries and meds to be delivered but don't know of anyone here who could've given me a ride. It's been awful living like this without him. We talked on the phone most days/nites. But...I never got used to him not being here. I missed him terribly. The only thing that kept me going was hearing his voice and hanging on to the hope that he'd be able to come home. Now I don't even have that. Perhaps I am being very selfish but darn it, he and I had something very special and whatever that "specialness" was, it filled our lives with what  we needed and wanted. Completely filled us both up. And we knew we were very fortunate to have such a relationship. I am so grateful for having had the time together. But we wanted more...

 

Today is busy for me. The funeral home is bringing my husband's personal effects to me. He wanted to be cremated with no service. His stepfather is paying for all that. But he had a few personal items with him and so they are personally delivering it to me today. Next, a nurse or admin person from one of the rehab places he had been at is stopping by "to check on me" and to check my mail box for me. I have been unable to walk very far and our mailbox is quite a distance at our apartment complex. I really did not want her coming, she just sort of insisted so I hope she has no ulterior motive. Perhaps I am just paranoid but I am not all that trusting of strangers. Anyways, I want this day to hurry up and be over with. Just want to sit in peace and think about some things. Peace...not sure I know what that is. Does anybody? 

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On 6/10/2021 at 5:04 PM, ranger72 said:

Nothing is going "right" . . . 

I don't want to do any of this. 

Ranger72,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this, and I am  most sorry that Andrew is gone. 

I know you don't want any of this, but I think it is very good that you have a lawyer involved.  An attorney experienced in family law matters will be able to give you guidance on what issues to fight, and which issues to let go of. 

It is not morally right for the child's mother to separate your stepchild from you, but it may be that it is within her legal rights to do so.  (I don't know, I have never been involved in family law issues in any capacity.)  A lawyer who works in family law will know what her rights are.

It will save a lot of time, money, and heartbreak to understand what is likely to happen. 

Even under the worst case, such as the mother not allowing the daughter to have any contact with you, at 13 years old, she will not forget you.  She knows you love her. Your bonds will not be easily broken.

The attorney will be able to guide you regarding the life insurance issue as well.

When you meet with the attorney, I hope you can take a trusted advisor with you to listen for you and to ask questions for you. Because so fresh in your grief it will be really difficult to pay attention and to comprehend what is being discussed.  Everytime Andrew's name is mentioned, or his death is referred to you may have an emotional reaction. 

Many people have what is called "brain fog" after the death of a spouse.  I certainly did. It was very hard for me to concentrate or to understand much of anything. The whole world became unfathomable, because it made no sense that my love was no longer in this world. 

I'm just saying it may be helpful to have someone you trust go with you, so they can explain to you later what was said and what it means. You may need to hear it several times before it sinks in.

As for dealing with the military, again I think it is important that you have an attorney who practices in this area.  In all likelihood you are going to need 2 different lawyers to pursue  these 2 different issues. 

I usually urge people to avoid getting lawyers involved, but in your situation I don't think you can avoid it. 

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Every bit of it is miserable and unfair.

Talk to Andrew about it all.  You may be  surprised that you can sense his guidance at times.  I talked to my John a lot in the beginning.  I still talk to him after 4 years. 

Keep breathing and doing what has to be done today. You will get through this. 

Hugs

Gail

 

 

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7 hours ago, tnd said:

More than likely I will be moving in with my brother and his family later this summer. He is going to help me out. I am thinking of starting the disability process after the move so I can establish a new team of doctors and new insurance (right now my plan isn't offered in my brother's state but surely a comparable one will be). I have an appt with one of my doctors later this month (if I can get over there) and I plan to give him a heads up on my need to apply for disability. The reason I don't qualify for Spouse Death Benefits is because you have to be at least 60 yrs old. I am only 57. 

I'm so glad your brother will be there to help you and support you through the beginning of your grief journey.  I'm also glad that you're going to talk to your doctor before you move.  Maybe he can help you choose the right specialists in your brother's state. 

Your plan for when to apply for disability sounds good.  You'll have a little time to just get through right now first before you tackle the next steps.

Thanks for the information about spousal survivor's benefits.  I should have known that age would be a factor.

I'm sending you a big virtual hug tonight.

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I didn't qualify either as he was barely 51 and I was 52.  It's very hard when your income suddenly shrinks to 1/2 and you have no $ and bills are pouring in from hospitals/doctors/ambulance!  I remortgaged my house to pay for it all and to avoid the 29% (usury!) interest the hospital wanted to charge me.  Check the laws in your state!  Years later I found out I would not have been on the line for them in my state (Oregon) as I had not signed for them myself, but of course they didn't tell me that!  Hospital is listed as a Catholic "charity," right!  It's run like a business, there to make $.

tnd, I'm sorry for what you're going through as well, very hard.

As for grief fog, it's real!  And just when we most need our wits about us!

Grief brain-loss of mind
Grief Brain-Widows Brain
Grief Healing: Coping with “Brain Fog” in Grief: Suggested Resources
Widow Brain

 

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"Grief Fog" is one way of describing it. And it's very hard to navigate life through this fog. Not that it makes any of it easier but ever since my husband had entered the hospital months ago I created the habit of keeping paper/pen close by to take notes. The stress made it easy to forget things. And now the grief is fogging up my brain. I keep a note pad/pen at my kitchen table, by the phone and next to the computer. Notes don't ease the grief but may at the very least help to avoid a headache. Grief is the worse pain though.  

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