Members Popular Post MiaG Posted June 9, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 9, 2021 My husband died suddenly from suicide in early 2018. No note, no explanation. I can't move on. I'm stuck. Everything reminds me of him. I see a tration, I flinch. I see tarot cards (one of his hobbies), I have to leave the room. Sometimes, I get this flash in my head, of some time when I argued with him. Like, when we argued how to cook pasta. And I get these thoughts: if only I had been friendlier, if only I had been a better partner..." I know it's nonsense. He committed suicide out of nowhere. None of his friends knew. His grandma didn't know. And I feel so guilty. I should have noticed something. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted June 9, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 9, 2021 MiaG, I am so very sorry for your loss. Sadly grief and guilt are often close companions. Letting go of guilt is really hard to do. I felt extremely responsible for my husband's death for a long time. I didn't take good enough care of him, so that's why he had the stroke. I should have retired when he did, so I would have seen this coming. I worked late on the day he had the stroke, so he lay sprawled in the yard for hours without medical help - my fault. All the medical decisions I made for him in the hospital were wrong, because I didn't save him. On and on and on. I didn't deserve the condolences from friends and family, because it was my fault he was dead. At some point you have to forgive yourself for being human. You didn't know he was going to take his life. You couldn't see into the future. All the little arguments over how to make pasta and such did not cause this. Living with someone will always mean bantering about this or that. It is part of every loving relationship. You did not cause this. It's not your fault. I totally get that it is really hard to accept that. Our brains struggle to make sense of this loss. It feels like it has to be someone's fault. You are only human. You get irritated sometimes, you aren't always 100% as sweet as some fictional ideal. That doesn't make this your fault. You loved him. He knew it and he loved you. This is just a tragedy, that for whatever reason he chose. I hope you can find a way to let go of the guilt. You may want to work with a therapist, even if you tried one before. They can help. Hugs, Gail 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 9, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 9, 2021 2 hours ago, MiaG said: My husband died suddenly from suicide in early 2018. No note, no explanation. I can't move on. I'm stuck. Everything reminds me of him. I see a tration, I flinch. I see tarot cards (one of his hobbies), I have to leave the room. Sometimes, I get this flash in my head, of some time when I argued with him. Like, when we argued how to cook pasta. And I get these thoughts: if only I had been friendlier, if only I had been a better partner..." I know it's nonsense. He committed suicide out of nowhere. None of his friends knew. His grandma didn't know. And I feel so guilty. I should have noticed something. I am so sorry for your loss! Welcome here, I hope you continue to come here and read/post, it can be helpful to have this place where others get it and understand! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 2 hours ago, MiaG said: And I feel so guilty. I should have noticed something. We FEEL guilt when our loved one dies, feelings some responsibility but we did not know, could not know, hindsight is not afforded us as foresight. http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted June 9, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 9, 2021 Dear Mia suddenly loss brings guilt...' cos we didn't have the chance to talk with him another time...ask him what it was in his heart, why this happened... As you i feel guilty for what i did and for what i did not ! And i feel guilty 'cos i couldn't save him ! With time come the awareness that we are powerless, only human persons, we did what we can...but what was in their heart remain mysterious and inaccessible...and this darkness has taken them away from us who love them so much... 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post SDC Posted June 10, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 10, 2021 I'm sorry for your loss and that you feel responsible for something that was 100% out of your control. Many people who die by suicide are masterful at hiding their depression and suicidal ideation. Please read that sentence again. You could not notice nor predict what he hid from everyone. You're holding yourself accountable for not doing the impossible. Have you gone to therapy? All loss is brutal, but suicide is a different level of brutality. A professional can give you the tools to move on from guilt & help you stop ruminating. I can't imagine how emotionally exhausted you must from having those feelings for 3 years. It's no way to live and you don't deserve it. I can't recommend finding someone to help you enough. If $ and lack of good health insurance are issues (both are for me sometimes and there is no shame in that!) that make you hesitate in finding a professional, please know there are other resources available. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)--a national org with state chapters--is a good resource for affordable therapists, social workers, psychologists, groups, etc. that help us get through life's hardest times. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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