Little sister died 3 years ago, now I'm sober and feel like I'm re-living it

[cheeuh]

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get out of this but I think just getting it off my chest may help somewhat. 

I lost my 16 year old sister in March 2018. There was an entire situation before this happened caused huge rifts in the family dynamic and we all split apart around the state. When we were told she had passed, it was sudden and I'm pretty sure I didn't respond to anything or anyone until the funeral and at the time I had some pretty serious dependency issues that made it hard for me to feel much of anything at the time. Now that I've recently gotten sober, when the anniversary of her death came this year I felt like I had just experienced this loss for the first time. My last words to her have been haunting me since 2018 ("I'll come back and see you soon") but it feels even worse now and I find myself struggling immensely. I'm not able to talk about it with my immediate family for a variety of reasons for each person but just thinking about it and constantly having these cyclical thoughts is just making me sick. I don't know where I was going with this but I just needed to get it out of my head. 

[NikD1983]

Hi Cheeuh,

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like the last several years have been pretty rough on you. 

I am also in recovery,  so I can relate to feeling things for the first time. The best thing I can suggest is that you find a recovery network (for me it is 12 step groups) and stay close to them. 

You are doing great. Be easy on yourself 

[Jomaryngs]

I'm sorry for your loss. I understand how hard it is for you right now. The death of a near and dear person to you is incredibly painful. But when you are addicted, you are not aware of your emotions and cannot express them, so they settle somewhere deep inside you. My father died during one of my binges, and I wasn't even at the funeral. I realized it so much that it hurt me only when I stopped. Now I talk a lot in an online support group https://www.theluckiestclub.com/join-community, and it helps me a lot. Maybe it will help you too.