The hardest thing I've ever had to do was...

[DM31]

There are so many hard decisions to be made after losing a loved one, even more when losing a life partner. They say the hardest choices we make were never really choices to begin with. I think we can all agree none of us would have ever chosen this. But it's been 3 months now since my husband was killed. Up to this point the hardest thing I've had to do was tell our 9y/o daughter that her father was never going to be coming home. She doesn't know how he died yet but I know she needs to hear it from me before she finds out from someone else. How do you explain to your child that her father was shot simply from being in the wrong place at the wrong time? How do you expect her to not be afraid of the world when it's a little darker to you now too? How do you explain that being a good person didn't matter in the end because he lost his life and evil prevailed? How do you protect her from the truth without lying to her? I know she needs to know before she googles his name out of curiosity or a friend accidently mentions it because an adult isn't right there to run interference. These are the thoughts that plague my mind when it's quiet lately. I know I'm on borrowed time. But I know this will be the new hardest thing I've ever done....

[Roxeanne]

DM31 life is so unfair..! I am really sorry that you and your little daughter have to go trough this...grief it's so hard even for an adult person! I can't imagine how devastating can be for a little girl...!

But for this very reason you have to be strong and protect your little girl..try to avoid the pain from her as much as possible!

I know it's hard but you are her mom...you will find the words!

A big big hug...hold on for her!  Roxi

 

[jmmosley53]

On 6/6/2021 at 9:07 PM, DM31 said:

How do you explain that being a good person didn't matter in the end because he lost his life and evil prevailed?

Hello DM31

I'm sorry but you have it all wrong.  

Being a good person always matters.  You are not a good person for other people you are a good person because it is the right thing to do for yourself.

Evil will not prevail - if it has not already happened, the criminal who shot your husband, will be caught and justice will prevail.  It may not happen today but it will happen.

If it was me I would tell my child -' a bad person, did a bad thing that caused her Daddy to be killed.  Police will catch the bad person, and they will be punished and sent to prison.'

That she must do your very best to always be good so that your Daddy will be proud of her.

[DM31]

6 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

Being a good person always matters.  You are not a good person for other people you are a good person because it is the right thing to do for yourself.

 

6 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

Police will catch the bad person, and they will be punished and sent to prison.'

I as an adult fully understand the concept of being a good person regardless of other people's actions but that's not always how a child's mind works, they question everything. They're curious by nature but in this scenario she has more questions than answers. It's been 3 months with no new information, I refuse to lie to my child. Yes, I'm walking the border of that currently by withholding some information right now but when her grief counselor and I decide it's time to tell her the rest, I refuse to make promises I have no way of keeping. It would be naive to believe justice is always served when deserved. 

[Gail 8588]

DM31, 

I am so very sorry for your loss and for the loss your child has suffered.  I am glad you are working with a therapist.

I do agree with jmmosely, that it does matter that her Daddy was a good man.  And I think you have to give a child a sense of security, especially after a tragedy like this.  I am sure your therapist will have good advice on how to walk that line. 

I agree with you that these are the hardest things you will ever have to do. My heart breaks for you. 

Hugs,

Gail

[Beau]

On 6/6/2021 at 8:07 PM, DM31 said:

How do you explain to your child that her father was shot simply from being in the wrong place at the wrong time? How do you expect her to not be afraid of the world when it's a little darker to you now too? How do you explain that being a good person didn't matter in the end because he lost his life and evil prevailed? How do you protect her from the truth without lying to her?

What do I know about children? Very little... I tell my son that this is very touch and go because he's the first baby I've ever held, fed, changed, bathed.

However, one thing I fully believe is that children understand things better and are far more discerning than adults give them credit for, and just like everyone else, the truth empowers them. When I was a kid, things happened in my family that ranged from controversial to criminal. My caregivers and distant relations tried to work angles and concepts that were more "child appropriate", but like you fear about your daughter being told by another child what happened to her father, I always heard the rumors and the stories and my thoughts were "I wish people had just told me". In the end, I think children imagine things in a way that makes tragedies like this one worse than it actually is, as impossible as it might seem.

But, of course, I've only been a parent for what feels like five minutes. I don't know what to do about the very basics. This is just a hunch.

[DM31]

10 minutes ago, Beau said:

But, of course, I've only been a parent for what feels like five minutes. I don't know what to do about the very basics. This is just a hunch

I have to admit my questions were probably hypotheticals, because even after 9 years I'm still winging it. I think we know our children best so at least we are making educated guesses. I know you're right. Children are much more in tuned to reality than we give them credit for. She knows that she's missing information. I hear it in the way she talks about it but I also know she's not ready. Unfortunately, we are on what feels like someone else's timeline. She has been virtual since covid began and we feel that we need to explain everything before she returns to the building in the fall where we can no longer control what she knows. My end goal is to make sure she has time to process things individually. I wanted her to grieve her dad without the added stress of the circumstances. 9 is a hard age to learn such harsh lessons. Idk how young your son is but I hope by the time you need the words to explain everything, you can find them. It's much harder than I expected.

[Beau]

29 minutes ago, DM31 said:

Idk how young your son is but I hope by the time you need the words to explain everything, you can find them. It's much harder than I expected.

My son is five weeks old. He's been alive for as long as his mother has been dead. He will never know anything but "this".  Who knows what kind of questions will come with it. The one I dread in particular is "was it my fault?" It seems so unavoidable but maybe its just my panic speaking. I am trying to put my own ideas in order and get in the right frame of mind so he grows up *knowing* that his life is precious and understands it as something separate from his mother's death.

[DM31]

43 minutes ago, Beau said:

The one I dread in particular is "was it my fault?" It seems so unavoidable but maybe its just my panic speaking.

I think your fear is completely justified. As a parent we want our kids to know their life is the most precious thing to us, to never question that we want them here. Even though every child is different, I think they're all susceptible to persuasion. If he doesn't have question to believe you would turn back time so the outcome was different, he may not feel at fault. Your son and my daughter will grieve the loss of a parent for different reasons, yours because he never knew her and mine because she did know him and misses him. But it's still grief. He will be entitled to go through the same grief process my daughter is going through. Just probably a little later in life since those questions might come at an older age. He's going to have questions, so many questions. Just remember it's okay not to have the answers. When I tell Peyton I don't know the "why's" or when I tell her I feel the same ways she does. I think it reminds her she's not alone. It's okay to be vulnerable with him. 

[KayC]

I like jmmosley53's response, agree!

@Beau No it is not your son's fault.  It just is what it is, we can't understand some things that happen!

On 6/8/2021 at 7:48 AM, Beau said:

I tell my son that this is very touch and go because he's the first baby I've ever held, fed, changed, bathed.

This is how ALL of us first time parents feel!  Like we're winging it.  Are we doing this right?  We do our best, that's all we can do.  I had to take parenting classes because the example set for me was so bad, I knew what I DIDN'T want to do, but didn't know what to do!  I was an excellent parent, I gave my children my all.  You will do the same, you will be fine with your son.