My dear John

[Amyjohnfolkers]

We caught by the COVID,my dear husband stayed at Vancouver General Hospital ICU for a month, 4 days ago, they called said he only has 10-20 minutes left,then they let me stayed with him for a awhile, I lied down beside him and then that was it. My whole life is gone, my whole world is collapsed, I need help, I can’t live without him, but I have to live within him, am crying when I am eating,am craving when looking at his notebook, am crying day and night, I put a big cushion into his housecoat, hold on so tight every night, but I still can’t sleep. I was a little happy princess always hiding behind my giant bear daddy. I was the happiest woman in the world, everyone is jealous. Now, am nothing. I can’t even eat and sleep. Am totally lost.he is my everything, he taught me everything, he is always protecting me,. I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye.we met at 2012,after 2weeks we moved together,because we don’t want to waste time, we wanted to be together ASAP, then my happy life started, he loves me so much, I love him so much, we never separate, we are always together.he is my blue sky. Now am in the dark hole , and forever, day and night. I miss him, I want trade everything,anything to let him come back.

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Amy; I read your postings under Amyjohn315 as well, and I am so very sorry for your loss. I am 8 months into this grief journey, but I remember those early days and weeks oh too well. Right now, as others have said, you need to focus getting through one day or even one hour at a time. Let the grief wash over you when it comes on by letting the tears flow; eventually they will subside and you will get through the next hour. Please continue posting here - sometimes it does take a bit of time for us to get back to you, but we will. The people on this forum are a tremendous source of support. We are here for you; you are not alone. Sending hugs! 

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Thank you Diane,thank you so much for supporting me, it’s just like every day is harder than the day before, like a poison goes inside my heart, the only thing you can is the pain, and you can’t do anything about it 

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Everyone is here , not him, everything is here , not him, oh my god, what a joke, gave the best life for 9 year, then I have to pay for the rest of my life.I hate it . 

[Diane R. E.]

Hi Amy; yes, the pain can be unbearable sometimes. I remember the actual physical pain I felt in my heart - it felt like it was going to explode. It's too early for you to be able to realize this, but in time the pain does become less of a load. It's true our life will never be the same again, and we will always miss our dearest partner. Right now it's too soon for you to contemplate the rest of your life. In fact, I don't know if any of us ever get to that point. But we do learn how to make our way forward in this new reality. Please take one day at a time and take care of yourself - eat something healthy, drink fluids, and sleep when you can. If you have difficulty sleeping, you can ask your doctor about medication, because everything seems worse when we are sleep deprived. (((Hugs))) 

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Thanks Diane, it’s seems to be a long way to go, the pain is always there, and you will never ever as a same person like before,how long will you get out ? unknown, how long the pain will reduce? unknown. Only one thing is very clear, YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN, you have to accept the damn reality and living in the miserable life forever. That’s the price. I always think that I found him is a magic. But I forgot, ALL MAGIC COMES WITH A PRICE.

[LMR]

Hi Amy. I am so sorry for your loss. I too read your first post but I was in no place to be able to reply. As people here will tell you the grief will hit you in waves. My loss is nine months but this past week has been like a tsunami. I don't know how to go on without him. We just wake up each day and go through the motions. Its all we can do. Some days will be better than others. I hope you have some support but you will always have the understanding of people on this site. Don't give up on us.

[Sparky1]

Amy, I am very sorry for your loss. It's early for you and it will be very difficult to accept. I'm just over 7 months at the loss of my wife and for me it's still very difficult to accept. Both of us did not expect what happened, she went into the hospital for a routine operation that would make her feel better and she ended up getting told she had stage 4 cancer.

Losing her has devastated my life, I am all alone and don't know what to do without her. Memories of things we did together are bittersweet, they are good memories but yet hurt because I know she is not here to be a part of my life anymore.

I just keep asking why over and over and I'm sure there are reasons yet I still can't accept losing her. We just have to go on whether we like it or not and hope that we will be guided in the right direction. We are all here for each other, our experiences are similar and I guess by writing about it, you may get some comfort from us.

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Hi, LMR, I really got lost, it was hit so hard. Too quick, thanks for telling you read my post and you really want to comfort me, as time fast,I feel like the pain is increased, wake up and do the thing that you have to do. i have lots support, but people have their own life, you can’t always ask them, and you make them sad , when they see you I think.I like this site because we are all the same, I need to vent , I need help .

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Hi, Spark1, sorry for you lost your cute wife.how sweet were how hard is the pain ,and them  you realize you’ve lost everything, you really can’t enjoy anything. Even  The little thing, like holding hands, walking together, nothing will happen again.I don’t what is called. Destiny ? punishment? I do got the comfort from you, thank you. No matter how hard I try, nothing work, am not scared of Future, because I don’t have one.

[Sparky1]

2 minutes ago, Amyjohnfolkers said:

Hi, Spark1, sorry for you lost your cute wife.how sweet were how hard is the pain ,and them  you realize you’ve lost everything, you really can’t enjoy anything. Even  The little thing, like holding hands, walking together, nothing will happen again.I don’t what is called. Destiny ? punishment? I do got the comfort from you, thank you. No matter how hard I try, nothing work, am not scared of Future, because I don’t have one.

Amy, thank you for your reply. I always think that my wife and I were destined to be together. After so many years, I found my soulmate and I wonder to myself, if we were destined to be together then why was she taken from me? As for the reason, He only knows.   My future is shrouded in a dark cloud, like I'm swimming in the ocean with no lifejacket. I believe us and our loved ones have an eternal bond, yet right now we are so alone until we meet them again.

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Ya, nobody can replace them ,nobody, and the world is upside down.love became pain, live became suffer, yes, we will meet them again. 

2 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

Amy, thank you for your reply. I always think that my wife and I were destined to be together. After so many years, I found my soulmate and I wonder to myself, if we were destined to be together then why was she taken from me? As for the reason, He only knows.   My future is shrouded in a dark cloud, like I'm swimming in the ocean with no lifejacket. I believe us and our loved ones have an eternal bond, yet right now we are so alone until we meet them again.

 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Amyjohnfolkers said:

I was the happiest woman in the world, everyone is jealous. Now, am nothing.

You may feel nothing but that's because you can't see it...you are still worthwhile, valuable, and will learn much on this journey...eventually.  Right now all seems a dark hole as you cannot see through your grief, it colors everything.  It takes much time for the fog to lift.  MUCH time.  But it will lift...someday.  Try to get through this, one day at a time.  It helped me to journal, to post, to get things out, express myself, know that I am heard, this place is good for that.  

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Thank you Kay, I will try.....

[Diane R. E.]

Hi Amy; if you need any suggestions on how to spend your time to get through each day, there are many individuals on this forum who could help. If you're ready, you can let us know what your days are like. For example, will you be returning to a job, and if so, what are your hours? Right now it is enough for you to just to get through one day at a time.

[Amyjohnfolkers]

23 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

Amy, thank you for your reply. I always think that my wife and I were destined to be together. After so many years, I found my soulmate and I wonder to myself, if we were destined to be together then why was she taken from me? As for the reason, He only knows.   My future is shrouded in a dark cloud, like I'm swimming in the ocean with no lifejacket. I believe us and our loved ones have an eternal bond, yet right now we are so alone until we meet them again.

 

23 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Amy, 

Yes it is very understandable that you just want him back.  Many of us prayed for that too. 

It sounds like you have a lot to do, being the caretaker for your mother.  If there is anyone who can help you with your mother, I hope you will ask for help.  If there is no one, then you have to do what must be done, but try to take care of yourself.  

This is a terrible shock to your body and mind. You need time to heal. 

Gail

Thank you Diane, probably will go back to work at the end of this month,I have Split shift , so I can go home for a couple of hours to taking care of my mom. funeral is next week, just keep busy, always think if I could see him somehow, I would be very happy, very very happy.hard to be strong, try not to go crazy.thank you again for your help, it is really important to me right now.

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Was busy all day , feels like almost back to normal, then I went our bedroom, then I saw his Giant slippers, then all the sudden I just couldn’t control my self, crying like crazy, it’s toooooooooooooooo hard, can’t stay anymore, when is the end, when , 10 year 20 years? What kind life is this ?

[Gail 8588]

Amy, 

I called these unexpected triggers 'trap doors'.  I would be going through the motions of life, almost acting human, when I would fall through a trap door into the abyss of despair.  There was no warning, no time to prepare.  Just some random daily experience, like seeing his slippers, would shatter me.  Sometimes it would be an actual act of kindness, like when a waitress at a place we ate at a lot,  brought me my salad and said "I gave you extra olives, because John used to always give you his." I burst into sobs and had to go out to my car because I couldn't stop crying. 

Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, you know are going to be hard. You can prepare for them.  These trap doors, just make you feel like you are going insane, or at least that is how I felt. 

 Grief is not a train ride where everyone gets the same experience, it's very individual.  So I don't know that everyone has these trap door experiences, but I did.  Often.  Too often, in my opinion.  But I haven't fallen through a trap door in over a year now.  I'm not saying it won't ever happen again, but it seems to be a thing of the past for me now.

As others here have said, your grief will evolve. It becomes easier to carry with you. 

Hang in there. Breathe.  Just focus on getting through this moment, hour, etc, when you find yourself in the abyss again.

Hugs, 

Gail  

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Thanks Gail, you are so kind , you almost reply to everyone, you have a big heart.the trap door is happening to me, don’t know where is , don’t know when is coming, I told our friends, that the things we use to do with them , I won’t do anymore, because I don’t want to being with them without my dear John. I can’t accept they are couple, am widow ,alone,talking about my husband, he was , he was , he was, I hate people say my dear John was , hate it , evenybody is here, not him, nobody dies, but him.just breathe, eat , sleep, get up , work, come home, work , eat , sleep , next day is the same, oh I forgot some time you will cry. I didn’t see the death coming, it took his body, and took my heart, my happiness, my beautiful life.I should’ve  done this,I should’ve done that , it’s too late, nothing would change, only my age.