Members Popular Post GaryAllen Posted June 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 4, 2021 I hope this helps to write my story of loss, grief, loneliness, resolve, and hope. I lost my Tresia, and I'm choking up every time I say her name in my mind, and I struggle to remember to breathe. It was less than a month ago May 6th, 2021. A normal day, like any other, mundane and uneventful--just the kind of Pompeii like day that you fear in the back of your mind will be your undoing. No great drama or drawn out illness, some minor health issues that don't explain sudden death, but the first sign of a heart attack is usually a heart attack so the medical examiners report calls it "hypertensive cardiovascular disease" because no one else has any better explanation. The best chronology has her working from home, normal routine, not feeling ill at all and going to do her 30 minute workout at lunch time at a near-by CrossFit gym. She came home, parked the car, got the mail, came in and let our bulldog outside and apparently started feeling bad immediately. She went for her blood pressure med and died before she could take it. I came home from work hours later and found her on the floor and knew she was gone. Forever. The next few hours were just unreal--I know the routine: check for vitals, call 911, open the front door, let the cops in and don't touch anything...blah, blah. They have to do their job and I have to stand there trying to piece together reality from my messed up dream world I lived in. We were together 30 years, I'm 51 and she was 52. I'm a healthcare provider so this whole situation is a bit surreal. I have dealt with death, suffering, etc., quite a bit the last 20 years. Some as other family, hers and mine, have died but never, ever, did either of our families think that she would pass this way, this soon, this unexpected. She, for good and bad, was the glue that held two families together and never met a stranger. What that has boiled down to is I was as busy helping others to grieve in their own way instead of focusing on myself. I do have my quiet times of misery, saved for late at night right before bed when I can feel the depth of my suffering in private. Unfortunately, my profession gives me knowledge of what to expect but no solace in experiencing it. I understand the mind has to make new associations, resolve conflicts with your surroundings and actions when the obvious person who would be part of your world is no longer there--I know all this takes time. But time is a friend and enemy. I hear the "great" advice from people about taking time to grieve, that it will take years (and I read on here it has for many) but I can't help but to think, why? Those same loving friends and family wouldn't want me to put them in a head lock and stab them in the heart every few minutes for years so why do I want to feel that way? For years! I don't!!! I know there isn't a destination to get to in this...but there is a road. So I move forward, not move on. I'm still in the same world I was in before but life doesn't stop. So I have to keep living, keep moving, keep experiencing so my mind can resolve it's own confusion. I'm not God, it doesn't make sense, and all the "it was just her time" talk isn't going to make me feel better. No amount of prayer is going to change what happened but I fully accept it may change how I can accept it. It's a miserable place to be stuck between your mind and your heart/soul. I don't want to dwell here because I know she wouldn't have wanted me to suffer, ever. We spent 30 years finding ways to help heal and give hope to each other so not doing that for myself is to betray our relationship. I won't do that. I feel guilty wanting/thinking/worrying if I can find someone else to love again but I can live with that. I'm not going to look to replace her--that is not possible. But I will honor her influence on me to be more kind, more patient, more loving to others and keep my heart open. She saw something in me that I have yet to even understand so if that exists in me then I owe it to her to not be afraid of myself. It's scary. I have never been on my own my entire life. We were a team, almost opposites in personality but together in purpose. For now, I'll trust in that--that God or the universe or her spirit is still guiding me in purpose. I guess I should know better than to have thought I would live a "typical" storybook life and grown old with my best friend/lover/partner in life. Reality is everyone will experience this loss. Everyone married/together will experience this loss. Mine just came sooner than expected and in a way that I feel I should have been able to help more but I know better. Knowledge isn't a god and it can't do miracles. How she died haunts me some every day--I know her suffering wasn't long so I get some peace from that. I couldn't bear to think she felt helpless. I guess I grieve most from knowing I am losing her and many, many other relationships that existed because of her. I married a family and that will never be the same-it can't. Not even my own family has the innate strength that she provided. It makes me sad. But I can't help but to smile knowing someone like her came into my life, so fast and unexpected as well, and changed my future to a beautiful life for a long while. She was strong, beautiful, and pure joy to be experienced. I enjoy the memories and I avoid the thoughts. When my mind wanders...thinking...I can't tell reality from dreaming so I avoid thinking all together. Anyway, I'm glad there was a place for me to write this to get it out of my head and maybe help someone else and myself. 4 1 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members june483 Posted June 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 4, 2021 1 hour ago, GaryAllen said: losing her and many, many other relationships that existed because of her. I married a family and that will never be the same-it can't. Not even my own family has the innate strength that she provided. This is profound for me, I have had the hardest time realizing why all my relationships have changed, I admit I have also changed - as he was the spark that kept them alive and kept us all close, it does make sense to me now, thank you 1 hour ago, GaryAllen said: But I can't help but to smile knowing someone like her came into my life, so fast and unexpected as well, and changed my future to a beautiful life for a long while. I also physically smile everytime I think of him - and then it breaks me down - so bitter/sweet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Maria_PI Posted June 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 4, 2021 Gary, I am so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself in this situation! You are spot on everything you say, I have gone through this myself and been there, thinking the same things - why, why did he have to go, why am I still here, what could I have done to prevent this or at least ease his pain. In my situation there was a long suffering involved and with that came a lot of guilt on my part, what could I have done better to lessen the suffering of my closest person, was I good enough as a caregiver, did we make the right decision to pursue treatment for a cancer (leukemia) that can’t be cured and the treatment only prolongs the suffering, but at least it gives us a few more days or weeks with each other. You are so right that knowledge is not God and can’t do miracles. I felt that the more I know about this cancer the less hope I had for a positive outcome. I can tell you that it does get a bit easier with time, it crystalizes some, it settles. After a year I have come to terms with the fact that the loss of a soulmate is so deeply personal and unique that I am more at peace in solitude than with other people who don’t and can’t remember him and appreciate him the way I do. It is in a sense liberating to cease trying to find an answer to the impossible. I don’t know if it’s acceptance or moving on, it doesn’t seem like it to me. Life will never be the same even if I find someone new to be with. I am not the same person, I lost my better, creative, outgoing half. Like you, we were a team, opposite in many ways but fitting in a perfect whole. But now I think I am here to keep his soul alive, build on everything he’s taught me and carry on his legacy. Maybe that’s a good enough purpose to keep me going till I can.This forum has helped me a lot, knowing that I am not alone in this. It is true that statistically every other person who is married or lives with a partner will be in our position sooner or later, yet when it actually happens it feels like it’s unique, because it is once in a lifetime experience and hopefully will stay that way.I hope you find some solace here. (((Hugs)))Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted June 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 4, 2021 GaryAllen, I am so sorry for your loss. You have a great attitude in facing your new life without her, grateful for the 30 years you shared. Some people do transition to a new life fairly quickly. I have a very good friend, who was married for 42 yrs to a woman I know he adored. Within a year he had remarried to a person who he had been acquainted with for 30 years. I talk with him often. He still misses and loves his first wife, but he has a wonderful relationship with his new love. I think it is a success all the way around. So I know for some people, the transition to finding a life after the death of their partner, can be relatively quick. But I don't think that means others choose to languish in despair. No one chooses to be in a head lock being stabbed in the heart. It just takes some of us longer to find our way through the confusion and pain to a new way of living. Again, I think you have a great attitude for continuing on your life path, carrying the memory of your Tresia with you. I wish you all the best in that regard. Come here to share, or vent, as you journey on your path. We are here for you. Gail 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post luckystarhongkong Posted June 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 4, 2021 8 hours ago, Maria_PI said: Gary, I am so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself in this situation! You are spot on everything you say, I have gone through this myself and been there, thinking the same things - why, why did he have to go, why am I still here, what could I have done to prevent this or at least ease his pain. In my situation there was a long suffering involved and with that came a lot of guilt on my part, what could I have done better to lessen the suffering of my closest person, was I good enough as a caregiver, did we make the right decision to pursue treatment for a cancer (leukemia) that can’t be cured and the treatment only prolongs the suffering, but at least it gives us a few more days or weeks with each other. You are so right that knowledge is not God and can’t do miracles. I felt that the more I know about this cancer the less hope I had for a positive outcome. I can tell you that it does get a bit easier with time, it crystalizes some, it settles. After a year I have come to terms with the fact that the loss of a soulmate is so deeply personal and unique that I am more at peace in solitude than with other people who don’t and can’t remember him and appreciate him the way I do. It is in a sense liberating to cease trying to find an answer to the impossible. I don’t know if it’s acceptance or moving on, it doesn’t seem like it to me. Life will never be the same even if I find someone new to be with. I am not the same person, I lost my better, creative, outgoing half. Like you, we were a team, opposite in many ways but fitting in a perfect whole. But now I think I am here to keep his soul alive, build on everything he’s taught me and carry on his legacy. Maybe that’s a good enough purpose to keep me going till I can. This forum has helped me a lot, knowing that I am not alone in this. It is true that statistically every other person who is married or lives with a partner will be in our position sooner or later, yet when it actually happens it feels like it’s unique, because it is once in a lifetime experience and hopefully will stay that way. I hope you find some solace here. (((Hugs))) Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com Yesterday it's been 3 months since my wife passed. Gradually I find myself less inclined to talk to people. I discovered the pain is less sharp or intense as it initially was. It is replaced with a dull aching, a cloud over my head sort of. I don't know if its acceptance or moving forward. Thing is I only have my mother in law and a cousin to talk about my agony. But they are no substitute for my soulmate of 32 years who knew me well. With a few setbacks and as I gain a bit more confidence on my own I prefer solitude. Deep in my heart I still yearn for her. I missed her terribly especially in these 2 days. I am introverted and pessimistic. My wife over the years has changed me a lot in a better way. We enjoyed every minute of time together. Just can't understand how quickly dreams can be shattered(we never get the chance to retire together in Taiwan next year). I'm also heartbroken to watch our 15 yo daughter(who regards her mother as her best friend) suffer this terrible loss. With her gone my remaining bits of optimism drip away. I'm overcome with bitterness and melancholy. Even so I don't take drugs/alcohol. I can sleep but often wake in the middle of the night feeling extremely lonely. I can continue working which is helpful as it keeps me busy. But all in all I have no joy. Don't think there is a future. And I plod no because of my daughter. I don't like this life. But what else can I do? 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted June 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 4, 2021 LuckyStar, I understand the feeling you describe. I sort of pushed people aside too, as it was so painful to be around anyone. Most didn't understand what I was feeling. My mother-in-law understood, but she was in such grief herself, losing her first born child (my husband) and being a widow herself, I didn't want to further burden her with my grief. I couldn't see how I was ever going to feel connected to the world again. I felt so broken, abandoned, and lost. Keep taking things one day at a time. Keep sharing with your daughter. It will get better with time. I found my way back to feeling connected to life, I am sure you will too. Of course you will always miss your wife, and your retirement will be different from the one you had planned with her. But you won't always be numb, disconnected, joyless. Hugs Gail 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted June 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 4, 2021 Gary Allen, my deepest condolences to you on the loss of your partner. All that you've described tears at my heart as I know how hard it is to lose the most important thing in your life. I'm still grieving my wife every single day, and still can't understand how she went so fast. There are days where the grief is overwhelming and some days where it's not so bad, but it is always there. My wife made my life better, she was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was a go getter, always vocal, always extroverted, me I'm the opposite but was worse before I met her. She improved my life, made me a better person, and it made me happy and proud to have her as my wife. Having her ripped out of my life like the way she was has devastated me and I will never be the same without her. The grieving keeps going on and I miss her more than anything and can't fathom how to go on without her. Hopefully you can find some comfort among us, as we all have very similar experiences. I know this site has helped me a lot and I look forward to reading new posts every day, as it gives me some comfort when I'm down. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 4, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 4, 2021 I am so sorry that you too lost your person, it's been 16 years for me and I will never forget that new loss, how hard it was, I didn't see how I could do a week without him, let alone the next 40 years. I've learned to take a day at a time and not look at the whole "rest of my life" as it's too much. I hope you will continue to come here, read/post, it helps, and it was a forum like this that saved me all those years ago. That's why I'm here, I never want anyone to feel alone, adrift in this. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoveNeverDies Posted June 6, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 6, 2021 @GaryAllen I’m so sorry for your loss, I hope you find some comfort here with us. ((((Huge Hugs))) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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