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She's gone. I'm still here and I don't know why.


GaryAllen

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1 hour ago, GaryAllen said:

losing her and many, many other relationships that existed because of her.  I married a family and that will never be the same-it can't.  Not even my own family has the innate strength that she provided. 

This is profound for me, I have had the hardest time realizing why all my relationships have changed, I admit I have also changed - as he was the spark that kept them alive and kept us all close, it does make sense to me now, thank you

1 hour ago, GaryAllen said:

But I can't help but to smile knowing someone like her came into my life, so fast and unexpected as well, and changed my future to a beautiful life for a long while. 

I also physically smile everytime I think of him - and then it breaks me down - so bitter/sweet

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GaryAllen,

I am so sorry for your loss.  You have a great attitude in facing your new life without her, grateful for the 30 years you shared. 

Some people do transition to a new life fairly quickly.  I have a very good friend, who was married for 42 yrs to a woman I know he adored. Within a year he had remarried to a person who he had been acquainted with for 30 years. I talk with him often.  He still misses and loves his first wife, but he has a wonderful relationship with his new love.  I think it is a success all the way around. 

So I know for some people, the transition to finding a life after the death of their partner, can be relatively quick. But I don't think that means others choose to languish in despair.  No one chooses to be in a head lock being stabbed in the heart.  It just takes some of us longer to find our way through the confusion and pain to a new way of living. 

Again, I think you have a great attitude for continuing on your life path, carrying the memory of your Tresia with you.  I wish you all the best in that regard.  Come here to share, or vent, as you journey on your path.  We are here for you. 

Gail

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LuckyStar, 

I understand the feeling you describe. I sort of pushed people aside too, as it was so painful to be around anyone. Most didn't understand what I was feeling.  My mother-in-law understood, but she was in such grief herself, losing her first born child (my husband) and being a widow herself, I didn't want to further burden her with my grief. 

I couldn't see how I was ever going to feel connected to the world again. I felt so broken, abandoned, and lost. 

Keep taking things one day at a time. Keep sharing with your daughter.  It will get better with time.  I found my way back to feeling connected to life, I am sure you will too.  Of course you will always miss your wife, and your retirement will be different from the one you had planned with her.  But you won't always be numb, disconnected, joyless.

Hugs

Gail

 

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Gary Allen, my deepest condolences to you on the loss of your partner. All that you've described tears at my heart as I know how hard it is to lose the most important thing in your life. I'm still grieving my wife every single day, and still can't understand how she went so fast. There are days where the grief is overwhelming and some days where it's not so bad, but it is always there.

My wife made my life better, she was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was a go getter, always vocal, always extroverted, me I'm the opposite but was worse before I met her. She improved my life, made me a better person, and it made me happy and proud to have her as my wife. Having her ripped out of my life like the way she was has devastated me and I will never be the same without her. The grieving keeps going on and I miss her more than anything and can't fathom how to go on without her.

Hopefully you can find some comfort among us, as we all have very similar experiences. I know this site has helped me a lot and I look forward to reading new posts every day, as it gives me some comfort when I'm down.

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I am so sorry that you too lost your person, it's been 16 years for me and I will never forget that new loss, how hard it was, I didn't see how I could do a week without him, let alone the next 40 years.  I've learned to take a day at a time and not look at the whole "rest of my life" as it's too much.  I hope you will continue to come here, read/post, it helps, and it was a forum like this that saved me all those years ago.  That's why I'm here, I never want anyone to feel alone, adrift in this.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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LoveNeverDies

@GaryAllen I’m so sorry for your loss, I hope you find some comfort here with us. ((((Huge Hugs)))

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