Jump to content
New Members - Check Your Spam/Junk Folder for Confirmation Email ×

Unbelievable loneliness


Recommended Posts

  • Members
Gina Mahlan

Yes, it's hard to accept the fact that our loved ones are gone, but they are at peace and free of pain, while we stay behind and grieve for them.  Damon and I had been together 27 years, and until he was diagnosed with end stage renal failure, we had such a wonderful life together.  I had spent the first part of my life married to someone else, raised 4 children, and although our married life was less than I had wished for, he was a good provider and father.  When the youngest went to college, I realized that, even though I was married, I was still very lonely.  That's when I met Damon, and he changed my whole life.  My first husband was an only child, think that is why he was an introvert and homebody.  He was a good man, but think he would have just been happy being single.  Damon was exactly the opposite, always joking, outgoing, always wanting to go out and do something.  We were both in our 50's and he opened up parts of life I had never experienced before.  At that age I had finally found my soulmate.  When he was diagnosed with the renal failure 9 years ago, our life became a series of doctor appointments, hospital visits, dialysis, etc.  Since we had both just retired, I became his full time caregiver, keeping track of his pills, driving him back and forth to treatments...my whole life revolved around him because I loved him so much.  When he passed in April, 2020, from covid, I was suddenly pulled from this life I knew and landed in a life with no one to take care of.  I had always taken care of my children, first husband, my dad dying of cancer, and my 95 year old mother until she passed 4 years ago.  Losing Damon made me responsible for no one (my children are all grown and on their own) except myself.  This all happened during our lockdown, where we were restricted going out and seeing other people. I still miss him terribly, can't seem to remember the fights and a few bad times,and good times just make me miss him more.  I keep thinking I need to push myself to start going out, doing things.....maybe tomorrow.

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
tnd

Gina M:  I offer my condolences for your loss and for the pain you are going through. My husband had diabetes and ESRD. We did his dialysis (hemo) at home for 3 years until I got burned out, which might have actually been the early symptoms of my own serious illness rising up. But I took care of him and all things "diabetes and dialysis". After we had both been laid off we decided that he'd get a new job and I would stay home and finally be the housewife I wanted to be for him and I loved it. I was so happy to have a good husband and partner in life. I enjoyed cooking and cleaning and running errands, all of it. I was busy, busy, busy but happy, happy, happy. I used to cook meals for him using renal recipes that we both liked. After I couldn't do his dialysis at home for him anymore, he went to the clinic three times a week but continued working several years until he had to "retire" due to being too sick. And now he's gone. And just like you, I feel I've lost my purpose in life. 

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
KayC

We take whatever we can get!  (((hugs)))

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
Gina Mahlan
15 hours ago, tnd said:

I had a lot of stress and frustration dealing with his diabetes and dialysis. It was extremely overwhelming and scary at times. And I was angry for the both of us. He never really complained except to say he felt terrible for ME. He never worried about himself. 

tnd, we share so many of the same feelings.  Before Damon was diagnosed with the ESRD in 2012, we found out he had diabetes II.  he really did not take the situation seriously, mostly denying he had it.  Didn't want to take pills, ate what he wanted, even though his mother passed of ESRD and three of his sisters have diabetes.  I read all the information and researched all I could, so I knew what was in store for him.  He didn't accept it until he began dialysis, and by then a lot of damage had been done to his body.  It was then he began feeling guilty for the stress this was causing me.....he kept begging me not to leave him and everyday thanked me for everything I was doing for him.  Still, he lasted for 8 years until Covid-19 took him.  I'm sure the kidney disease played a big part, but not a day goes by that I don't relive all those memories of being his caregiver....what a different life I'm trying to get used to now without him and his smile.

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
2 minutes ago, Gina Mahlan said:
16 hours ago, tnd said:

I had a lot of stress and frustration dealing with his diabetes and dialysis. It was extremely overwhelming and scary at times. And I was angry for the both of us. He never really complained except to say he felt terrible for ME. He never worried about himself. 

tnd, we share so many of the same feelings.  Before Damon was diagnosed with the ESRD in 2012, we found out he had diabetes II.  he really did not take the situation seriously, mostly denying he had it.

Gina: My husband was very good about doing what he needed to do when it came to his diabetes. He was diagnosed late in life in his early 40's, he took insulin (passed at 63). He started dialysis in 2013. But even tho he/we were doing everything right and for whatever reason, his health went downhill this past year. Obviously no matter what, diabetes is going to take a person. But in your case, you and your husband were hit "by the Covid bus". Whether diiabetes or covid, our beloveds are not here with us anymore. Even after everything we and our husbands did. It IS angering. But I've been hit with so much over the years, my husband and I went thru a lot together but somehow always landed on our feet again. I have no idea how I am suppose to move forward without my partner. But I think I will need to be angry and then at least move on from that part. Kind of lose the anger to "lighten the load" so to speak. Hugs to you...

  • Like 1
  • Hugs 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
luckystarhongkong

it's really hard, isn't it? The dates we used to look forward to becomes dates we dreaded most. Those happy memories are so heartbreaking when we think of them. This grief thing has turned my world upside down and everyday is a torture.

I missed my lovely wife. Now 3 months elapsed the loneliness is truly hurting me. 

my thoughts are with you.

  • Like 3
  • Hugs 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
Gail 8588
14 hours ago, annie123 said:

Tomorrow would have been my 44th wedding anniversary.  I miss my husband so very much..........

Annie,

I am so sorry.  The year of firsts is so hard.  Your wedding anniversary and his birthday are so personal. They are different from holidays where the whole country is celebrating. Holidays are all really hard your first time through, but the anniversary and your love's birthday are somehow extra lonely. 

Do what feels right to you.  You may want to just shut out the world and cry alone at home. You may want to be with people to not feel so alone.  Either way it's a hard day to get through. One day at a time, you will get through it. 

Hugs

Gail

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
KayC
13 hours ago, annie123 said:

Tomorrow would have been my 44th wedding anniversary.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, very hard.  
Special Days

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.