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Unbelievable loneliness


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widower2

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to everything you said. I don't know if I'd go as far as "words of wisdom," but after my loss I created this web site with things I wish someone had told me at the time...maybe some of it will help somehow. FWIW:  https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp/grieving

Generally speaking, I know this is a dumb cliche, but it's true: one day at a time. Try hard not to look past the given day; that's enough itself. And feel free to vent here as much as you want; it's a great group of people. 

 

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Dawn Wms

McRalph, I am so sorry.  I am going through the same thing, wondering how I will be able to stand this in the long run.  My husband was also my absolute number 1 person and, although it has been over a year, I still can't believe he is gone.  The loneliness is beyond description.  Unfortunately, I don't have any words of wisdom.  It is just the worst thing in the world and there is no fix.  Just know that you are not alone.  Most people around us simply don't "get it."  They move on while we stay stuck in our tragedy.  They expect us to "move on" as well and have some idea that it gets better every day.  Well, it doesn't.  But no one wants to hear that.  That's why a forum like this is useful.  At least we know all of us here can understand each other even if we can't really make the experience any easier.  

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Mars40

I can relate.  The connection you had won’t be replaced. Your friends and family do care they just keep living there lives but they would be there if you ask..When grieving it’s hard to connect with people who have not been through what you are. My son was 14 and we were very open (I hid a lot which is normal) but it’s something we all went through and it’s okay together I believe as you are all grieving differently.  Your young, being lonely and fear is a process that will take time so be kind yourself.  

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KayC
15 hours ago, McRalph said:

I am really struggling with loneliness since my husband of 20 years died suddenly 5 months ago.  We had been friends for over 30.  I feel like he has always been in my life.  I am only 45.  What is my life without my best friend?  I am so very lonely.  We had the kind of relationship where we would talk for hours together about everything.  Now it’s just me and my two kids and talking to kids is just not the same.  I can’t confide in them my biggest fears and worries or talk about events happening in the world.  I don’t want to add to their stress.  My friends and family have moved on with their lives now.  They no longer check in with me and when they do and I tell them how I am feeling I just don’t get the response I need, that I would have gotten from my husband.  I am not sure they even care about me at all.  He loved me unconditionally and it is so hard to give that up cold turkey.  To have your best friend and confidant ripped from your life in less than a minute.  How do you adjust to this new lonely life?  Please give me some words of wisdom.  I would give anything to have him back with me.

I don't know, I about went nuts with it, made mistakes, I guess we all find our own way the best we can, no manual, I wish there was.  I would tell someone "Don't do as I did!"  But I understand and forgive myself the way everything transpired.  Every friend we had disappeared on me overnight.  :(

You may find your best support in unexpected places.  I gleaned a wonderful best friend through this, but unfortunately she moved to TX six years ago.  When our dog passed, I got another, who became my best friend and companion.  He died nearly two years ago and my son brought me a puppy a few months later.  He's been a godsend.

2 hours ago, MaddHollander said:

I have also been struggling with a terrible feeling of loneliness. My wife suffered with pulmonary fibrosis for many years and then was diagnosed with TP53 leukemia. She battled this 1-2 punch very hard and did everything the doctors wanted, but she died suddenly in my arms, collapsed, while I was helping her towards the bedroom from the bathroom. There is a huge empty black hole in my heart and some days can be darker than the previous. I had to pack up and put away all the seaside paintings and artwork that she treasured. Those lighthouse paintings and seascapes we discovered on vacations helped her through countless bad days, but I could no longer look at them. Too many memories creating too many tears.

I received a lot of crappy advice. "She's in a better place" and so on .... but the best advice I heard was from my letter carrier. She fist bumped me, winked and simply said, "Remember the good times."

Remember the good times was solid advice. I looked at vacation photos, and OMG I cried my eyes out, but I also laughed my ass off at the funny photos. Laughed, cried, laughed. Good times, I try to remember the good times. It's not easy. It doesn't always work, but I focus on the good times. We had plenty and I wish we had more.

Welcome here.  I am so sorry for your loss, my mom had leukemia but her dementia got her first.  I'm glad you have a caring mail carrier.

This is a journey that is ever evolving, so I hope you'll keep this as something may not resonate with you right now but may later on down the road.  It's not a one-size-fits-all, just things I've found along the way in my journey, written at about ten years out, it's been 16 years this month for me.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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KayC
3 hours ago, McRalph said:

I just don’t know who I am now.  Who am I without him.  How do I keep going?

The one day at a time is how I do this still.  I have GAD and thinking about the future invites anxiety so I try not to go there if I can help it.  I like the adage in the Bible that says not to take thought for tomorrow because today has enough of it's own, for sure!  Also that our thinking about something doesn't change it, also true!  So I continually work on letting go to keep my BP down and anxiety at bay. ;)  It can take a long time to figure out who we are apart from the coupledom we were used to.

 

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KayC
13 hours ago, McRalph said:

My husband died quickly without warning and no pain and as morbid as it sounds I am thankful for that.

Doesn't sound morbid at all, I'm glad he had no pain.  The last time I saw George he was in immense pain, his eyes bulged out from it!  That's when they threw me out and locked the door to the ward behind me.  The next time I saw him he was gone.  A moment frozen in time.

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Mars40
19 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't know, I about went nuts with it, made mistakes, I guess we all find our own way the best we can, no manual, I wish there was.  I would tell someone "Don't do as I did!"  But I understand and forgive myself the way everything transpired.  Every friend we had disappeared on me overnight.  :(

You may find your best support in unexpected places.  I gleaned a wonderful best friend through this, but unfortunately she moved to TX six years ago.  When our dog passed, I got another, who became my best friend and companion.  He died nearly two years ago and my son brought me a puppy a few months later.  He's been a godsend.

Welcome here.  I am so sorry for your loss, my mom had leukemia but her dementia got her first.  I'm glad you have a caring mail carrier.

This is a journey that is ever evolving, so I hope you'll keep this as something may not resonate with you right now but may later on down the road.  It's not a one-size-fits-all, just things I've found along the way in my journey, written at about ten years out, it's been 16 years this month for me.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

KayC your a god.

 

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KayC

It's been 16 years and still I can't go into his shop.  The mice have literally made a mess/destroyed things, it's chaos.  For the last year I've been putting out poison and electronic traps but can't bear to go in and clean it up.  I'm haunted by his working out there, it's a horrible ghost.

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Amyjohnfolkers

We trapped , living in a hopeless prison,lowly dying, rotten, there is no way to heal, there is no way to forget, there’s no way to avoid, there’s no way to enjoy anything 

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Gail 8588

Amy, 

I know that is how it feels now.  I want you to know it won't always feel this way.  

I do enjoy things now.  I am happy much of the time now.  I still miss my husband, but it is no longer a crushing grief. 

Have hope.  You will not always hurt this much. 

Hugs, 

Gail  

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Gail 8588

Kay, 

I am so sorry.  Life is so darn hard sometimes. 

I have no one in my life that I can share this stuff with either.  I'm glad I can come here to vent.  I am glad you vent here too.  

I wish I lived close to you and I'd come over to help, or just join you in a cup of tea.

Hugs

Gail

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Amyjohnfolkers

Come here to talk what ever you want to say, my husband never let me fill up the gas for our car, and now I have to take care of my mom who had a stroke 2 years ago.nobody is easy, it’s just unbelievable hard. I don’t care about anything, because I don’t want anything, I want my dear husband come back, please, just 5 minutes, pleassssssse!!!

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Amyjohnfolkers

There is no hope

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Anno

There is no hope of your loved one returning, but I am hoping that in time, the memories of our life together will become and be remembered with fondness instead of pain.  I have never gone through this type of loss and it is excruciating.  I often said to others that they should try and appreciate the time you did have with them.  I guess I need to heed my own advice now.

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Amyjohnfolkers

I did really appreciated the great life that he gave to me, but how sweet before, how painful right now, and regret everything, should do this should do that, if I could done this , if , but there is no next time , it’s done , every time, whenever  I almost wake up,my brain will imply me that my husband is not here, then my heart rate is going so fast, am so intense,so feared waking up.then I wake up, I feel someone crushing my heart, ow, what a suffering.

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annie123
4 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

 

 

 

I wish I lived close to you and I'd come over to help, or just join you in a cup of tea.

 

Like Gail, if I lived close , I would love to  help you with anything you need and to have tea with you!!!

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Gail 8588
4 hours ago, Amyjohnfolkers said:

... I feel someone crushing my heart, ow, what a suffering.

Amy,

It was a complete surprise to me that grief could be so intensely painful. There were many times I thought to myself "Surely I am going to die now." My heart felt like it was in a vice being crushed, at times my head hurt so much I thought it would explode.  But despite the terrible pain, I didn't actually die.  

For me, those episodes of intense pain only occurred in early grief.  After several months, I shifted to being numb all the time. Disconnected from life entirely.  I think my brain got overwhelmed with the pain signals and just stopped processing emotion altogether. 

I am so sorry you are feeling these crushing pains in your grief as well.  Just breathe deeply, knowing this too shall pass. Just focus on getting through this episode of despair. It is all that you can do sometimes. 

Gail

 

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Amyjohnfolkers

Thanks,Gail, try to live hours by hours , day by day, 

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Sparky1

Hi geolescay, I am very sorry for the loss of your wife. My wife also passed away from cancer, actually from the chemotherapy they tried on her. It's been a rough time for me since she's gone, I'm left alone in the house and the emptiness just overwhelms me.  I hope that you can find some comfort coming to this forum as we're all going through grieving and hopefully by talking about it, you can relate to each of our experiences.

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geolescay

Thanks sparkey 1 , I was just coming home from picking up grocery for me and my.sons when a song comes on the radio that we would dance to my wife kim loved this song and I just lost it   it is unbelievably gut wrenching lonliness

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KayC
23 hours ago, Anno said:

There is no hope of your loved one returning, but I am hoping that in time, the memories of our life together will become and be remembered with fondness instead of pain.

Yes.  It takes much time but that can happen.

 

On 6/8/2021 at 9:31 AM, Gail 8588 said:

Kay, 

I am so sorry.  Life is so darn hard sometimes. 

I have no one in my life that I can share this stuff with either.  I'm glad I can come here to vent.  I am glad you vent here too.  

I wish I lived close to you and I'd come over to help, or just join you in a cup of tea.

Hugs

Gail

Thank you, Gail and Annie. 

 

I wish that too!

3 hours ago, geolescay said:

I just lost my wife in April from brest cancer we found out in March and she was gone in 4 weeks

I am so sorry.  This is the hardest thing I've ever been through and that says a lot.  I do hope you'll continue to come here to read/post and know you are heard and not so alone in this. It helps to know others hear you and understand.

This is an ever-evolving journey, I hope you will save this and read it from time to time because some things may not mean anything to you right now but may later on down the road. 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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luckystarhongkong
7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It is hard eating meals alone.  I usually have the TV on now during my meals, just to drown out the silence. 

me too. When I wake up in the middle of the night, which I often do after she passed. I turn on longer videos on YT to listen, keep me occupied until I all into sleep again.

We used to talk about everything. Even after 32 years together. Her friends were surprised we still can talk to each other. Some of them were annoyed their spouse after 2 years of marriage. It's so hard coming home having no one to talk to. 

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annie123

Your welcome Kay.  We would understand each others feelings.....Having tea with another person who gets it.....what a nice thought....

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Gail 8588

Tnd, 

I am so very sorry for your loss.  It is such a shock to your system to lose your soulmate. My husband was in the hospital for 25 days, and I always thought he would recover. It was a terrible shock when I signed to take him off life support.  I knew at that point it was the right thing to do, but it was still impossible to me that he would die. 

Try to let your body rest, hydrate, try to be kind to yourself.  It is emotionally and physically exhausting  to cope with such a shock.

Come here to post as often as you wish. We understand, nothing makes any sense right now.

Gail

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KayC
10 hours ago, tnd said:

Lost my husband yesterday. He had been in the hospital for nearly 5 months suffering with complications from Diabetes and dialysis when his heart gave out.

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband died of a heart attack with diabetic complications.  Then I was diagnosed diabetic.  I've learned that the medical community teaches us all wrong, we did what they said to do and look where it got us!  Now I'm moderator of a diabetic group and turned my health around; it hits me, if only I'd known the truth sooner, maybe my George would still be here!  But we don't get a re-do and cannot beat ourselves up for what we did not know.  We trusted the doctors/experts.

Welcome here, we want to be here for you as you make your way through this.  It was honestly, a grief forum that got me through it when I lost him 16 years ago.  You probably can't take this in right now so I hope you'll save it and read it from time to time in your journey...the grief journey has a beginning but not an ending but it does evolve!  It won't always be as painful as it is at this moment.  :wub:

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

I hope these articles and video are of help to you...you can know with your brain that you are not responsible for his death but our feelings come unbidden sometimes as a burden/hurdle to deal with.  I want you to know we all go through this regardless of how they died.  We wonder what we could have done differently as the outcome is too horrific to assimilate.  This is a PROCESS and can take much time to make our way through, you are not alone here.

Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Coping with “Moment-of-Death Guilt”

 

 

 

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geolescay
23 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes.  It takes much time but that can happen.

 

Thank you, Gail and Annie. 

 

I wish that too!

I am so sorry.  This is the hardest thing I've ever been through and that says a lot.  I do hope you'll continue to come here to read/post and know you are heard and not so alone in this. It helps to know others hear you and understand.

This is an ever-evolving journey, I hope you will save this and read it from time to time because some things may not mean anything to you right now but may later on down the road. 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Very encouraging words to live by thank you

 

 

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tnd
8 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband died of a heart attack with diabetic complications.  Then I was diagnosed diabetic.  I've learned that the medical community teaches us all wrong, we did what they said to do and look where it got us!  Now I'm moderator of a diabetic group and turned my health around; it hits me, if only I'd known the truth sooner, maybe my George would still be here!  But we don't get a re-do and cannot beat ourselves up for what we did not know.  We trusted the doctors/experts.

Welcome here, we want to be here for you as you make your way through this.  It was honestly, a grief forum that got me through it when I lost him 16 years ago.  You probably can't take this in right now so I hope you'll save it and read it from time to time in your journey...the grief journey has a beginning but not an ending but it does evolve!  It won't always be as painful as it is at this moment.  :wub:

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

I hope these articles and video are of help to you...you can know with your brain that you are not responsible for his death but our feelings come unbidden sometimes as a burden/hurdle to deal with.  I want you to know we all go through this regardless of how they died.  We wonder what we could have done differently as the outcome is too horrific to assimilate.  This is a PROCESS and can take much time to make our way through, you are not alone here.

Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Coping with “Moment-of-Death Guilt”

 

 

 

KayC: Thank you for providing these links and info. And you are right, doctors aren't necessarily right when it comes to living with Diabetes. His Nephrologist for instance seemed more of a robotic zombie instead of seeing my husband as an individual. 

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tnd
On 5/31/2021 at 10:24 PM, McRalph said:

I am really struggling with loneliness since my husband of 20 years died suddenly 5 months ago.  We had been friends for over 30.  I feel like he has always been in my life.  I am only 45.  What is my life without my best friend?  I am so very lonely.  We had the kind of relationship where we would talk for hours together about everything.  Now it’s just me and my two kids and talking to kids is just not the same.  I can’t confide in them my biggest fears and worries or talk about events happening in the world.  I don’t want to add to their stress.  My friends and family have moved on with their lives now.  They no longer check in with me and when they do and I tell them how I am feeling I just don’t get the response I need, that I would have gotten from my husband.  I am not sure they even care about me at all.  He loved me unconditionally and it is so hard to give that up cold turkey.  To have your best friend and confidant ripped from your life in less than a minute.  How do you adjust to this new lonely life?  Please give me some words of wisdom.  I would give anything to have him back with me.

McRalph:  I am sorry for the loss of your best friend, your partner in life, your husband. My husband had been hospitalized for several months before he passed and except for our two cats, I've been here alone. What had kept me going was the hope that he would get better and come home. He did but it was brief and then back off to the hospital. I was not expecting him to die. We had talked every day on the phone except for the last few days. Things had taken a turn and was even scarier than ever. And then he died. And I am still here alone, with our two cats. I understand what you mean about not being to talk with your kids...you are needing an "adult conversation". I'm kind of in the same boat...no adults to talk to except a family member through emails. I guess until we are up to making new friends (none of course who can replace our husbands) we will just need to converse, lean and rely on the good people here on this site. Right now I feel I have gotten more support from them than anything. I hope to keep posting and stay on. Please fee welcome to share your thoughts. 

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KayC
19 hours ago, tnd said:

Thank you for providing these links and info

And here is the diabetic group if you're interested.  The administrator is a close friend of mine (from my grief group the last six years) and has studied this the last six years, turned his life around, losing 180 lbs and getting his own prediabetes turned around.  I find him to be a wealth of knowledge!  https://www.facebook.com/groups/2249357341987919

I have found that big pharma controls much, including studies which influence medical education, often skewing the results and pointing towards Rxs which they benefit from us being on...which are not a long term solution but come with their dwindling help and side effects of their own.  I have learned to follow the $ trail for the truth.

 

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tnd
3 hours ago, KayC said:

And here is the diabetic group if you're interested. 

Thank you, KayC. No amount of support will bring him back but it might help to prop me up and keep me from falling.  

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