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Any ONLY children out there ?


TiaTia70

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8 hours ago, LGS said:

I am paralyzed with having to face insurance companies and find out how to deal with bank accounts and Social Security and eventually selling his property. I haven’t eaten in two days or even had anything to drink. I’m just numb and scared and alone right now and if anybody reads this in can offer any advice it would be appreciated. 

I know exactly how you feel. Not right now, but at some point in the future I'm going to have to sell my mom's house and move. For me it is almost inconceivable I can do this on my own. This is an adult thing. And even though I'm 51, I feel like an absolute child when it comes to these things. I have no idea how to go about selling a house or finding a new place to live. Moreover, while I have a driver's license I don't drive because of anxiety for years. Thinking about eventually having to do these things paralyzes me with fear. I wish I had an easy answer and I can tell you something to make you feel a little better. But it keeps me up at night too as well. I wish you as well as myself some peace of mind in coming days.

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27-y-o only child living at home with dad after mom's death to cancer. every time dad tells me he has to go to a doctor's appointment, i get anxious that he might be sick and not be telling me and that i'll be all alone. as he did with my mom's medical treatment, he keeps his medical news very secretive so as to not "stress" me, leaving plenty of opportunity for wild anxieties on my part.

in may my dad had a mystery heart procedure and, after he had left for the hospital, i discovered he had secretly deposited a large amount of money into the savings account i've had since i was 13 that very morning. there was a period of about 6 hours between this discovery and when i was supposed to go pick him up where i was absolutely convinced he had secretly been sick for some time and that he was going to die during this procedure. of course later when i confronted him about this he admitted that he too had gotten paranoid that he might die during what was actually a very mundane heart exam, but refused to agree that this was a bad way to handle this paranoia... 

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On 1/18/2022 at 7:17 AM, smtry401 said:

27-y-o only child living at home with dad after mom's death to cancer. every time dad tells me he has to go to a doctor's appointment, i get anxious that he might be sick and not be telling me and that i'll be all alone. as he did with my mom's medical treatment, he keeps his medical news very secretive so as to not "stress" me, leaving plenty of opportunity for wild anxieties on my part.

in may my dad had a mystery heart procedure and, after he had left for the hospital, i discovered he had secretly deposited a large amount of money into the savings account i've had since i was 13 that very morning. there was a period of about 6 hours between this discovery and when i was supposed to go pick him up where i was absolutely convinced he had secretly been sick for some time and that he was going to die during this procedure. of course later when i confronted him about this he admitted that he too had gotten paranoid that he might die during what was actually a very mundane heart exam, but refused to agree that this was a bad way to handle this paranoia... 

Your dad loves you.

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Though i have an elder brother and nieces, i also feel like an "orphan". We are not close.

My mother left me on Oct 2021. Now I can understand that parents are the only ones who love and care for children with no expectations. Friends also stopped asking me how am I after 1st month. They also have their own lives. I keep telling myself that I need to digest all these pain and grief by myself.

These few days, i am feeling bad again. Thinking of having her and what we will be doing during this festive period. I will cry and talk to her photo. 

Just need to hand on there.

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On 1/29/2022 at 7:59 PM, janetan said:

These few days, i am feeling bad again. Thinking of having her and what we will be doing during this festive period. I will cry and talk to her photo.

I know how you feel. It's approaching 3 months since my mom passed away, and I wish I could say things were getting better, but they aren't. The reality is the further it gets away from the day she passed the worse it gets. I also walk around crying on a regular basis. I only hope things can somehow get better for me, for you and everyone on this board. Try to be well.

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Hi everyone. Just found this site and thread and have been reading it. I wish you all the best and sincerely hope you can all find peace.  I'll share what will be a familiar story. 46 year old male here with no siblings, no significant other, no children. In December 2021 just before Christmas my biggest fear happened I lost my mom. The loneliness and grief I can not even begin to describe. I lived with my mother and grandmother then my grandmother died when I was 12 leaving just me and mom together. I said to her minutes before she passed in my arms here at our home that we did well, and had been a good team. I've lost my only true and unconditional support in this world and also my best friend.

At 12 I had to leave school to care for my mother and big anxiety for us both to be separated. In 2012 she was diagnosed with dementia and suddenly stopped walking over night. I took care of her at home for 10 years with nurse visits help. I had to watch her go piece by piece over these 10 years. First her walking, then loose the ability to move her hands and arms, then finally her speech. Yet we kept going together it would take hours to feed her each day, give her drinks etc. She loved her TV shows Food Network ones mainly and would have the TV on in her room 24/7 watching the cooking shows and ones about Alaska.

We still would communicate with eye contact and small noises and how she used to look at me and smile still even when trapped in her body in such a way still rips my soul out. I am plagued with guilt if I did something wrong the last few days, or weeks before her death. The trauma of how she went in to the death cycle and the loss is not recoverable for me. I feel like like a echo/ghost of myself haunting this house where we lived.

The house provides memories and reminders from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep of her. These memories go hand in hand with the reminder that she is gone and I will never see her again. Ironic that the only person I could turn to over this living nightmarish hell is gone.

People have been telling me it becomes easier. Not for me it is worse each day. I just roam the house in tears going through the motions of trying to remember to eat something and drink. Then I have the question for what? Everything has no meaning now and the world feels intolerable. Earlier I went to mom's room where we spent all our time in recent years with her illness put on the TV, on came one of her favorite cooking shows. Down I go on to the floor sobbing unable to even breathe properly.

Most people look at me like I'm odd to be feeling the loss so hard. I am 46 , mom was 81. I have very little life experience with what will be coming up with having to sell the house and so on. Not even remotely having a clue how to do this on my own without her. All the best to you all.

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6 hours ago, Lost45 said:

I just roam the house in tears going through the motions of trying to remember to eat something and drink. Then I have the question for what? Everything has no meaning now and the world feels intolerable. Earlier I went to mom's room where we spent all our time in recent years with her illness put on the TV, on came one of her favorite cooking shows. Down I go on to the floor sobbing unable to even breathe properly.

Most people look at me like I'm odd to be feeling the loss so hard. I am 46 , mom was 81. I have very little life experience with what will be coming up with having to sell the house and so on. Not even remotely having a clue how to do this on my own without her. All the best to you all.

That sounds just so amazingly similar to myself. I'm a 51 year old male, no siblings, no significant other or children, it was just me and my mom pretty much my whole life. I also roam the house, breaking down into tears, sobbing uncontrollably numerous times per day. The house feels so unbearably empty without her that as you said I sometimes feel like I can't breathe.

Moreover, I'll also be having to sell the house soon. That's one of those things that to me is an "adult" thing, that I don't have the faintest idea how to even begin going about to do it. Just thinking about it literally gives me a panic attack. My mom passed November 8th, so it's getting close to three months now. I wish I could say it was somehow getting better, but the longer I'm not with her the worse it gets. I still feel like I'm in some kind of a nightmare from which There Is No Escape.

I only hope that for you, myself and everyone else on this board, we somehow find solace in something, and somehow find the impetus to carry on and experience at least some joy in our lives moving forward. Try to be well.

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On 2/2/2022 at 11:52 AM, ESM said:

Moreover, I'll also be having to sell the house soon. That's one of those things that to me is an "adult" thing, that I don't have the faintest idea how to even begin going about to do it. Just thinking about it literally gives me a panic attack.

As you said there with needing to sell at some point soon is just overwhelming. The legal side I have no clue about, not sure how long you lived in the house with mom? For me was close to 30 years so there is that whole it was our home and so many memories aspect. Plus psychologically not even sure I'm ready to get rid of mom's possessions/clothes etc?.

9 weeks tomorrow and it's just proceeding to get more unbearable each day. I hope everyone here can find some support and a way forward and past the loss. All the best.

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1 hour ago, Lost45 said:

As you said there with needing to sell at some point soon is just overwhelming. The legal side I have no clue about, not sure how long you lived in the house with mom? For me was close to 30 years so there is that whole it was our home and so many memories aspect. Plus psychologically not even sure I'm ready to get rid of mom's possessions/clothes etc?.

9 weeks tomorrow and it's just proceeding to get more unbearable each day. I hope everyone here can find some support and a way forward and past the loss. All the best.

For me, I've literally lived in the same house my entire life. All 51 years on this planet I've lived in the same home. Having to cope with the loss of dearest person in my life, the Center of My Universe, as well as having to figure out what's going to be in terms of new living conditions is just unbearable to me most of the time. Unfortunately it seems to be getting progressively worse with each passing day. I only hope for a little peace, and a little happiness for you, myself, and everyone else on this board. Try to be well.

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On 2/7/2022 at 7:24 AM, ESM said:

For me, I've literally lived in the same house my entire life. All 51 years on this planet I've lived in the same home. Having to cope with the loss of dearest person in my life, the Center of My Universe, as well as having to figure out what's going to be in terms of new living conditions is just unbearable to me most of the time. Unfortunately it seems to be getting progressively worse with each passing day. I only hope for a little peace, and a little happiness for you, myself, and everyone else on this board. Try to be well.

51 years in the same home that is very hard. I am heading down a similar route with being told will have to sell the house within the next few months. I am just in denial as can not take anymore after loosing mom. My mind feels like it is drawn out into a frail thread that will snap at the slightest extra strain. It feels like I can not even feel secure and in a safe place to grieve and go through the loss with this house sale looming constantly. Is it the same for you? All the best.

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54 minutes ago, Lost45 said:

It feels like I can not even feel secure and in a safe place to grieve and go through the loss with this house sale looming constantly. Is it the same for you? All the best.

Yes. I just wish I could find just 5 minutes to have a reprieve from the constant anxiety and stress or I could just sit back for a moment and think okay, it's going to be alright. But there is no moment like that. The anxiety and strain is just unrelenting. Having to cope with the loss of my mom is a level of stress that is just otherworldly, and then you put on top of that having to figure out how to sell a house and find new living situation and it's all just too much to take. I hope you find some peace soon.

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I am 57 year old male.  My mom and dad divorced when I was 3.  My mother and I grew up together.  She and I had been through a lot together.  She was a proud southern woman who suffered in silence.  I moved back to my hometown of 2500 people about 10 years ago due to concerns of my mothers health.  She discusses everything with me however, she told me 4 months about about a tumor she had in her breast.  I am still unclear why she waited so long.  When we went to check this out, it had already turned into State 4 Cancer.  On top of that, her heart was functioning at 27%.  Losing my mother and being all alone had been my greatest fear since I was a child.  I was now faced with the reality.  She passed away 12/05/22.  I have felt numb and wandering around in disbelief.  I had been told she didn't have long to live, yet I refused to believe.  Even as she struggled the last 3 days of her life. I was still in disbelief she was terminal.  It's been 3 weeks and during those weeks he birthday has come plus Christmas.  I can't bare to go into her house.  I fell lost and alone.  I can't cry.  It doesn't seem real.  My sadness is deep but I still can't cry.  Part of me still is in disbelief.  I took a photo at the funeral that I look at and have read over her obituary so many times that I cannot count.  

My mom, my best friend, my confider is gone and I cannot process this loss.  

 

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I read everyone's stories and got to about halfway, then had to sign up right away. It's wonderful seeing that there are people who feel the same way and can take the words right out of my mouth. I am tired of trying to explain myself to people who don't get it. So much so that I've stopped speaking altogether. I just smile and nod in social situations. Meanwhile my mind is thinking of just getting back to a quite place where I can cry and not have to fake a smile. 

I am 25 years old, am only child raised by a hardworking single mother who passed away recently. Her brothers and sisters are still around, but we are not close at all. I lost my mother in August 2022 and received the call at 11pm from an abrupt nurse who couldn't wait to get off the phone.

It's been a year now - the worst year of my life. She had stage 4 pancreatic cancer right of the bat. She was diagnosed then suffered terribly for 1 month and then died. The circumstances surrounding this will haunt me all my life. The medical care was the worst - the Doctors were so under staffed, they made me hold her down while they tried to find veins for a drip, those moments keep me up at night daily - I wish I had said no.

To this day just the word hospital gives me anxiety and I can never step foot in the hospital she died in. I am too angry. The nurses mistreated her. When she could still talk, she told me this. 

Life has lost its meaning. I find myself thinking, why shower, why eat really, why smile? Ultimately the sad thought of why live has even tormented me. I feel so alone, and I am not willing to take the fake sympathy of people around me. I was rushed in my grief and the consequences are that I didn't deal with it well the first few months. It was a lot of cover up smiles.

I feel unprotected in this world. My Father refused my mother and I a long time ago, so she did all the work. But now she's gone. Who will warn me of the bad men and the terrible friends. I feel like I'm also falling with no anchor. I am a Christian  and I believe in God and am really trying to believe when I pray "your will be done".  But it's easier said than done that's for sure. 

Marriage seems hopeless because I would not want anyone to marry what I am right now - the numb and burdened mess I am. People my age should be having fun and enjoying life. I feel like a 60 year old who has lived a tough life. Perhaps I look it too. 

It pains me to think if I ever have kids, she will never see them. So again ..what's the point? 

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Hi all,

My mum passed away on Feb 22nd,  2023. I was 37, a grown woman.

Within 7 months of her diagnosis she passed away. I am in the oncology field, there was no option other than chemo (with no improvement this one was a death sentence), so i recommended her not to take any chemo.

These 7 months were a privilege for me and my dad. I got lucky to have had my mum for the past 25 years. She had RA (an autoimmune disease) and was hospitalised when I was 10 - we almost lost her then. Nonetheless, a novel medication saved her life and allowed us to be in her presence for an extra 25 years. I feel lucky to have had her for so long and to have had grown to be her best friend and hers mine.

However, it's  hard.

Almost 8 months have passed, and my grief is still raw - i don't think it will ever go away. This sadness profoundly changed me. Even if I feel lucky to have had her for so long, I am mad at how she had to leave this world: in pain. I am angry, I feel it's unfair. My friends know how much she meant to me, how profoundly she affected me. I am surrounded by great people, but it's hard not to have my best friend to share little thing with. I still pick up the phone to call her. I can call her but I know that she is not on the other end to respond, and I am unconsolable cause she is the one for me, my partner in crime. I find comfort in the sense she is not suffering anymore. It was hard for us as she was such a strong and confident person. To end with a cancer when you have an autoimmune disease, it's an ending you wish upon no one.

I am an only child, and it's hard.

I feel as if this is how I should feel though because this is how special my bond with my mum is. I used to laugh that the ombilical cord was not cut and gotten stronger over the years lol. It would be weird to feel otherwise. I know, with tears scrolling down by chicks, that I will be ok. It's a bond than only an only child with special parents can understand.

To end, to the only child who is grieving and reading this, I know you are going to be ok too. It's a long road and we can walk it together to the other end remembering the lovely memories we had with our parent.

Take care of yourselves everyone - I am so glad I have found this forum as I have a very hard time speaking about it (I internalise it a lot).

V.

 

 

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I am an only child. Thought it was great when I was a kid but as I got older I saw the importance of other siblings. What's even worse is I never had kids. I am 55 and caring for my 82 year old mom. I have to do it all by myself because I am the only one and it is killing me. Question, seeing I have no kids, who will care for me when I am 82? Amazing how a choice your parets made over 50 years ago can affect you until the day you die

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Kindred Spirit

When I saw this topic – I just broke down. I couldn’t believe there were other people whose life experiences seemed to mirror mine.

I’m an only child with virtually no relatives. Never married, no kids. Since my parents moved across the country when I was a teen, I developed no real friendships. I’ve suffered from serious panic/anxiety problems my whole life. My dad passed away suddenly when I was barely in my 20s. Our life was never the same. My grandmother was next. She passed away when I was in my 30s. However, my one true source of unconditional love was always my mother.

Mom and I were always extremely close and always lived together. She was my support, my best friend, my soul mate, my number one cheerleader. There was no end to the things she would do to help me. Never one word of criticism or complaint. If I needed her, she would be there for me, no questions asked. True love.

I was in my late 50s when the nightmare began. Right before the pandemic, Mom started to forget when to take her medications. A simple little act that signaled the beginning of the most horrific nightmare I could ever imagine.

I watched as Mom mentally disintegrated right before my eyes. The vibrant, intelligent, person I knew was rapidly being replaced by a stranger. Fast-moving dementia came and destroyed us. I remember crying hysterically for days…"Mom, don’t you dare leave me!" After that, I developed numerous serious health problems.

Mom lasted until Feb 2023. The worst day of my life. What went on during the months before are so horrific, that I can’t even describe them. Needless to say, I held Mom in the ER while they tried to save her. I was alone with her when she died. I went home to an empty house.

My whole family is gone now. It’s just me, in our house, surrounded by all our special memories. I’m terrified all the time. I “sleep” on the couch with the TV on. I wake up every few hours shaking, knowing I’m in the house all alone. Things that never bothered me before scare me now. No Mom to eat with or to share inside jokes with or ask how I’m feeling. No one for me to care for. My life’s purpose is gone. All our traditions are gone.

The more days I’m alone the worse it gets. I imagine my mother in Heaven crying as she watches what I’m going through. She would have never wanted this for me – fear, loneliness, and suffering.

I went from being the cherished light of someone’s life to feeling like a freakish annoyance. I’m endlessly criticized by 2 distant relatives and a “friend” I occasionally speak with on the phone. Stop…just stop. Take me as I am – a broken person who needs unconditional love and support not crass advice and criticism.

Who am I? I was a daughter who mattered, but now I’m no one. What will happen to me? Who will be there to fight for me like I fought for Mom? I used to joke that we were two halves of one person…how do you go on without your “other half”?

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Puddleduck

I feel you my man. Only child, no other family, no boyfriend, no kids, nothing. And I lost my dad and then 6 months later my mom. I was able to see my dad one last time so there’s closure and healing there but I found my mom dead in her sleep and she was only 67. Dad was real sick and late 80’s so it wasn’t a total surprise. I’m still not ok with it, and they passed before I turned 40, but my mom was my soulmate. It’s not getting better. It hurts worse everyday. I am barely surviving. I can’t work, I barely shower, forget getting out of my pajamas, doing makeup and leaving the house. Cleaning, nope. I am broken and it just hurts more everyday. I’m starting to wonder how long I can keep forcing myself to just go through the smallest of motions to survive. The moment I found her dead just constantly plays in my head over and over. How her puppy was growling and guarding her up by her head even when they put the sheet on her. The way the police had to support me because I just kept scream-sobbing for her to wake up just wake up please wake up don’t leave me.

I’m thankful she passed at home, in her sleep with her hands folded across her tummy and a smile on her face. We should all dream to be so lucky when we have to go. But it wasn’t only unfair to me, it was unfair to her. She had to take care of me, then dad got so sick and she became his home nurse. She grieved him hard for 4 months. Then she was able to finally start taking care of herself and was starting to have so much fun and she got TWO MONTHS of that before she was taken. She had a hard life from the day she was born to a man who only wanted a son. But she made it out of there and poverty. She was finally happy and free and had all these festivals she wanted to go to written in her planner. And that was just stolen away in such a cruel way.

She was and is my everything. She was the soulmate for me and I was for her and what do you do when that’s gone? They tell me grief is just love with nowhere to go, but they don’t tell me how that love keeps growing and too much love HURTS. 
 

So I understand. I wish I could help, but I can’t even help myself. But you are at least understood. 💕

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Kindred Spirit
On 1/23/2024 at 4:50 PM, Puddleduck said:

So I understand. I wish I could help, but I can’t even help myself. But you are at least understood. 💕

You have helped...you UNDERSTAND, and let me tell you, that means EVERYTHING. I pretty much gave up on anybody responding to my note. This is such a rare group - only 3 notes in 2023.  A sub-group of a sub-group - only children, no real relatives, no close friends, no husband or kids, whose best friend and soulmate was your mom? How many of us are out there? Not many. I'm so glad to "meet" you and so very, very sorry you've become another member of the club no one wants to join.

I hate to say it, but it's not getting much better for me either, and I'm 11 months in. No one understands and anyone I have contact with just wants to lecture me endlessly on "what I should be doing" or the lovely "your mother was old, what did you expect" comment.  When we lost my father 30+ years ago from an aneurysm, it was a nightmare. Mom and me against the world - but we had each other and faced it all. We lost my grandmother 10+ years later. I can't imagine losing both parents 6 months apart - especially how you described the way it all happened. My heart breaks for you. 

Most of the time, I feel like I exist in some kind of weird limbo. I usually "sleep" on the couch with the TV on. I can't stand silence. I used to wake up 3 or 4 times during the night and just panic because I'd remember I was in the house alone. In the morning I force myself to get up. I always feel awful  - another day without Mom. No one to talk to, watch TV with, eat with, share inside jokes with...no one who cares. 

I'm better now at controlling my emotions when in the "outside world". I've learned people do not want any part of "upset me" only the "everything is just fine" me.  

My health broke down as Mom got progressively worse. I cared for her and supported her 24/7 until the situation got so bad I had to have outside help in the house. That was a nightmare in and of itself. Now I'm facing endless medical problems with no Mom to support me. I can't face any of this alone. I won't even get into the legal mess I ended up with. I'm facing that all alone, too.

One of the worst things for me was that Mom was gone mentally before she could tell me what to do. She was always my confidant and advisor. We made all our important decisions together. I needed her to tell me WHAT TO DO if something happened to her, and she couldn't. One minute life seemed normal, the next minute it became a living hell. I relive so much of our awful journey in my mind every day. 

Just know I'm here, I care, and I understand...💔

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stephanief68

Another only child here, of parents who have been divorced for a little over 15 years now. I lost my dad in the beginning of December, super unexpectedly. I'm currently in college and left early, before finals. I've been in a relationship for a little over a year and my partner has been incredible, comforting me when I received the phone call, helping me figure out the logistics, and even travelling to attend the service. Since starting counseling at my university again, I feel like I've just been so weighed down with everything and it wasn't until yesterday that I began thinking about a break. I've never thought about taking one before and honestly, I feel so awful to even suggest it as our relationship has been going really well. Spring semester just started a couple days ago, and my father's birthday is tomorrow, which I think is making it feel all so much more real. I feel like I've still been in shock and though it was nice to be home, being back in my routine at school has made me feel sadder than I have been feeling. I love my boyfriend and I'm scared to death of losing him, but after him making jokes of breaking up (not seriously), it began to make me think. I feel as if without my dad, I've lost a huge chunk of myself and I feel like I'm not the same in our relationship. Is this normal? I could see us getting married and having a life together and so it's been odd experiencing these feelings I've never had before. I'm still deciding on what to do and would appreciate any advice. I'm only 20 years old and I just feel so confused and heartbroken all at once, which makes me just want to hide from the reality of life.

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Maekelley85

I’m not sure if this forum is active but I am an only child and lost my dad last month,it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through 

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I was 29 when I lost my dad, I was pregnant with his grandchild, it's been hard to go through life without him.  

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Grief is love with nowhere to go.

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On 2/19/2024 at 6:56 PM, Maekelley85 said:

I’m not sure if this forum is active but I am an only child and lost my dad last month,it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through 

Its the worst thing to go through. I lost my father two years back and still the pain is same. 

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On 2/19/2024 at 3:34 PM, KayC said:

I was 29 when I lost my dad, I was pregnant with his grandchild, it's been hard to go through life without him.  

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Grief is love with nowhere to go.

I think this is the worst way to lose your father, imagine the hopes that he'll finally be a grandad, only to never get to see his grandchild...

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