Members heatherllyynn Posted May 28, 2021 Members Report Share Posted May 28, 2021 To start off I am only 16, almost 17. I lost him almost 5 months ago. The pain has waxed and waned. But recently I have started to see him everywhere. Today would have been one year with him. It feels like anywhere I go, anything I touch, anything that remotely reminds me of him will flash me back into the past. Most nights I feel like I have lost my mind, through the dissociating and my thoughts begging for a psychotic episode so I can at least have a hallucination of him. Most people don't understand. I beg my friends to become sober, to try to quit weed and alcohol. Although I know he didn't pass due to that, it felt like those substances led him to take percs. And I cannot help but shake off the feeling that those around me are going to die. It consumes me to the point where I find myself helping others, when I am struggling so much myself. Most of my friends chalk it up to me just being overly dramatic. I try to be the happy and bubbly girl that I want to be. But it pains me so much watching others fall down these paths. It feels like I am stuck in a glass box watching those around me be subject to torture. Yet I am powerless. Writing has always been something for me to fall back on and I have often tried to channel my morbid thoughts into them. And tonight. Out of all nights, out of the worst nights to do so, they made a comment about percs. They could have used any mainstream drugs used in songs to glamorize them even more than the teenage culture already does. But they both chose their words. "I am for real going to pop a Perc." "I am about to pop five percs bro". I have tried to gain tougher skin to song lyrics to small comments to my friends admitting their usage of smoking and drinking. But this was on our anniversary and maybe I am sensitive, maybe I am just the crazy girl with a dead boyfriend, but why? I am already so broken and it is like people turn the other cheek and forget my cries for help to them. They weren't even song lyrics they were as clear as day; sentences that they both chose to say. I wish I could laugh with them and make a joke about the same. But here I am. An island against the ocean that splashes at my shores threatening to wash my land away. Stuck trying to engender change in a generation that would rather laugh at me then try to listen to what I want to say. Here is a poem I wrote about trying to save him. If you managed to read this and take the time to hear my story; thank you. I have tried to read others on here but it feels that everything triggers me. I feel a little bit better using this as an outlet. I wish the best to all of you that had to join this website, but hopefully we can find comfort in one another. I tried Tears wept for you Voice raised Hands ripping it away Begging for you To stop Lies unveiled Sometimes I wish they stayed secret As you blamed red eyes On lack of sleep Slurred words On your real medication Until one day It wasn’t enough to make you stay So now You have left me here To watch everyone else Follow the same path as you -I can’t save anyone 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TLN Posted June 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 1, 2021 Dear @heatherllyynn, I am so sorry for your pain. You might consider starting a blog here on grieving.com as your outlet; I did after the death of my Father on May 2, 2018 called Baby's Heart, and doing so has really helped me cut through this beast called Grief. Be well, @TLN. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members kkpalmer Posted June 26, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 26, 2021 "An island against the ocean that splashes at my shores threatening to wash my land away." - That was lovely. I feel that exact same way. I too lost my boyfriend to drugs, Heroin. It pains me that you are so young. I'm twice your age and cant figure out for myself how to cope or deal or even live in some normal fashion. Kudos for you trying to save the ones around you. I never even tried. I was just bitter and angry and just awful to those around me that were still using - and still most are. I even said horrible things like "It should have been you" or "I wish it were you". For such a young lady, regardless of all your hurt, you are a lovely example to follow in my eyes. I hope I can have a kinder heart like you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mianko471 Posted October 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 17, 2021 I am so sorry for your hurt and loss. I hope we all find peace and do not allow the what-ifs to tear us down. Sending out some positive energy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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