I’m so numb I can’t take it

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Ainslie said:

It’s crazy how your heart doesn’t want to except what you’re brain is telling you.

I think we all felt that in early grief...like they'd walk in the door or when the phone rang it'd be them...or we'd wake up and find this is all a bad nightmare.  It's unthinkable and time is a distortion, our minds definitely feel played with.

[Ainslie]

I have been looking through YouTube trying to find meditation videos. I came across a meditation video about meditation and connecting with a lost love. So I put my headphones in and drifted into sleep. I actually had a dream about my husband. He hugged me and said he loved me. I woke up crying and can’t stop. I thought maybe dreaming about him would make me feel better but now I miss him more, if that’s possible. I don’t know if it was the video or not but I can’t believe I saw him. The pain feels like the first day I lost him. I just want to be with him. I hate everything. Nothing makes sense, nothing is good without him. 

[Gail 8588]

Ainslie,

I am so sorry you are in such pain.  It has been less than 2 months since your life was shattered.  It is so hard in those early months. At times you may feel like you are coping pretty well and then your grief wells up and knocks you off your feet again. 

These waves of despair are so hard. I can remember calling into work and saying I can't make it in today and then retreating to my closet floor to hold his clothes and sob. My old beagle would push his way into the dark closet and stay with me for hours. All I wanted was to die and be with him.

It is so hard to explain to someone who has not experienced it, how nothing makes sense. My brain could not make sense of the world. Like a mechanical watch with a gear missing, it just couldn't work.  Without my John in the world, there was no good, no  tomorrow, no point in anything. 

I do think this type of catastrophic loss of a soulmate does sometimes cause a traumatic brain injury.  My brain did not function well for quite awhile.   

At this early point in your grief, I think all you can do when a wave of grief overpowers you is to keep breathing, focus on just getting through today, this hour, this minute.  Don't think about the future, it is swirling in an incomprehensible darkness.  

I wish I knew of some way to ease your pain. I don't. I can only say I know it hurts. You are not crazy. You are not alone. 

Hugs

Gail

[Ainslie]

Dear Gail I’m so sorry that you are going threw your own pain and still write me. Everything you wrote is exactly how I feel and no one around me gets it. I to go to the closet and hug is clothes just to be close to him. You do give me hope that it does get more manageable as time goes on. Thank you so much for your kind words and reassuring me that I’m not crazy.

[tnd]

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Without my John in the world, there was no good, no  tomorrow, no point in anything. 

Gail8588:  I feel that way. Yesterday I felt like a lot was piling up on me but I told myself that at this point, nothing could be as bad or worse than losing my husband. So if more "life" stuff wants to pile up on me, it can go ahead because I don't care anymore. I will deal with things one mess at a time. It really can't get any worse.  

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Ainslie said:

I to go to the closet and hug is clothes just to be close to him

I do this too, I kept George's bathrobe and my Arlie's coat, when I especially need them, I hold those.

[April Ballou]

@Ainslie I am so sorry to hear about your husband.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Losing the love of your life is hard.  It's the hardest thing I've ever been through.  Although my husband died in a hospital I still miss him.  Darrell was my first and only true love.  We were married 38 years.  The end of this month would have been our anniversary.  I have been through so much since his death.  But my children and his mom and stepdad have helped alot.  Along with God.  The pain just seems to never go away completely.  It's has lessen.  These forums, my family, and God have all helped.  I still would like him to walk in the door and give me a hug and kiss.  But that's not gonna happen.  It's the loneliness that's the hardest thing. I pray for all of those in this forum and the other forums.  We all have suffered a loss.  We are here to listen.  

[foreverhis]

On 7/13/2021 at 2:57 PM, Ainslie said:

I to go to the closet and hug is clothes just to be close to him.

Absolutely.  I wear his old flannel shirts on colder days.  I have one of his big, soft hoodies in the closet so I can slip it on when I go outside on really cold days.  I don't care that I look like a little girl who stole a grownup's jacket.  Our daughter has his cashmere sweaters and a few hoodies.  Our granddaughter has a hoodie, one of his baseball caps, and the fleece jacket he always wore on outings when the girls were visiting because she'd say, "Grandpa, I'm kind of cold" so he would slip it around her to keep warm.

We don't care if anyone thinks it's weird.  These things give us comfort and connection.

[tnd]

51 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

Our granddaughter has a hoodie, one of his baseball caps,

foreverhis:  My husband wore baseball caps until they were ratty. I was always after him about washing them or telling him to buy a new one. He didn't go anywhere without a baseball cap on. The one he wore to the hospital was returned to me in a bag with the rest of his personal effects. I am keeping it because he wore it every day and it has a few of his gray hairs stuck inside it. For me, this old ratty cap is a personal momento I now cherish.    

[KayC]

@tnd  I had to smile at the ratty caps as I was always after George to get rid of this old holey misshapen worn out t-shirt he loved.  Guess what I glommed onto when he died!

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, tnd said:

I am keeping it because he wore it every day and it has a few of his gray hairs stuck inside it. For me, this old ratty cap is a personal momento I now cherish.

I had to smile at this.  I kept John's oldest, rattiest baseball cap, the one he only wore working in the yard or on outside projects.  And I keep his hairbrush in the bathroom drawer because it has some of his gray hairs stuck in it.

[tnd]

4 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I had to smile at this.

foreverhis:  Thanks for "getting it" and not telling me it's too weird. I do so appreciate your understanding. That's why I'm on here.

[Ainslie]

Today would of been my husband’s 39th birthday. It’s been 53 days and nights without him. I plan on going to the cemetery and spending the day there. I have been going there a lot lately because I feel like I don’t belong anywhere else. My pain is still so unbearable. I just wish I could be with him. 

[Darlene13]

@Ainslie I'm so sorry.  I had to go through that a few months ago on my husband's birthday and it was hard.  I took my dogs for a walk at his favorite lake to fish, and went to the cemetery afterward.  So many tears...   I don't know anything to make it easier but I'm thinking of you and sending you a hug today.  

[Ainslie]

Darlene13, I’m so sorry for what you are going threw as well. Thank you so much for your kind words. I don’t know how I will get threw today but having all of you on here makes it a little easier. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Ainslie said:

Today would of been my husband’s 39th birthday. It’s been 53 days and nights without him. I plan on going to the cemetery and spending the day there. I have been going there a lot lately because I feel like I don’t belong anywhere else. My pain is still so unbearable. I just wish I could be with him. 

My daughter turned 39 three weeks ago, it puts it in contrast.  No one should be facing this at your young age, I am just so sorry.

Birthday of loved one

[April Ballou]

@Ainslie sorry for you Thursday the 22nd of July would have been Darrell's birthday.  So I'm going to Galveston in memory of him.

[foreverhis]

On 7/15/2021 at 4:37 PM, tnd said:

foreverhis:  Thanks for "getting it" and not telling me it's too weird. I do so appreciate your understanding. That's why I'm on here.

Not only is it not weird, I think it's completely understandable.  Dare I say, it's normal (I don't like that word now)?  We hang onto the little things that help us make it through the days and night.  Anyone who doesn't get it obviously hasn't been where we are.

[foreverhis]

15 hours ago, Ainslie said:

Today would of been my husband’s 39th birthday. It’s been 53 days and nights without him. I plan on going to the cemetery and spending the day there. I have been going there a lot lately because I feel like I don’t belong anywhere else. My pain is still so unbearable. I just wish I could be with him. 

Oh, Ainslie, I hardly know what to say.  This isn't fair to any of us, but you're so young to have to face this grief.  I know you're going to get sick of hearing this (if you haven't already), but your loss is so fresh and raw that I'd be surprised if you felt otherwise.

When we lose our "and" (for me, John and Annie), we don't have a clue who we are or what we're supposed to do without our essential love by our side.  I know you will never have the answers as to why your husband took his own life.  I can only say that having mental/brain illness is no different from other illnesses.  I suspect that he could no longer keep the strength up to fight it.  Please know that it is not your fault in any way.  It's not really his fault either.  Knowing that doesn't make it easier, of course, but I hope you will keep it in mind on your darkest days.

I won't tell you that time heals us.  It doesn't.  For me, time has allowed my grief to soften so that I can carry it with me, rather than having it crush me under the unbearable weight.  I won't tell you that time makes things easier.  I don't like that word because none of this is easy and I don't think it ever will be.  But again, time has allowed me to take steps forward into finding a life I can live without him.

Try not to expect too much of yourself right now.  Just getting up and breathing through the day is an accomplishment.  ((HUGS))

[Ainslie]

Dear foreverhis, thank you so much for your kind words. Yesterday was horrible. I went to the cemetery and sat with him the whole day. I cried so much I can barely open my eyes today.  None of this is fair or right. I am so mad at him for taking his life but at the same time love him so much that I can’t stay mad. So many emotions and feelings going through me that they Change every minute. I feel crazy, lost and confused. What makes it worse is my family telling me to get over it. It hasn’t even been 2 months. They tell me I’m young and will find someone else. I don’t want anyone else or can’t even imagine letting someone into my life. My family is so cold and heartless. I just wish they wouldn’t say anything but be there. Unfortunately that’s not the case. They don’t want me around because I’m to “ depressing “ to be around. I’m so alone. I lay down every night praying I don’t wake up, but yet here I am another day of suffering. I am so grateful for this forum and for each and every one of you who take there time to write me even though you’re all going through your grieving. It means more to me than you will ever know. 

[April Ballou]

@Ainslie we all here have lost a loved one.  There are not enough words to say how sorry I am for the loss of your husband. So many deaths but this one iis the hardest.  I just wished it was all a nightmare and Darrell would come in the house and give me a hug and kiss.  But it's real.  It's real for all of us.  I pray that God comforts and keeps each and everyone of us.

[Ainslie]

Dear April, it was extremely hard yesterday at the cemetery. I pray for you on the 22nd. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I pray that the pain and heartache gets a little more bare able for all of us.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Ainslie said:

What makes it worse is my family telling me to get over it.

OMG, I am so sorry, that you had such a sorrowful day and on top of it your family is acting like this!  I have changed, I don't take XXX off people anymore, I would speak up and tell them how inappropriate their remarks are!  But that's me, maybe not you.  I grew moxie when George died because my protector and advocate was gone, it was up to me now.  Dr. Phil says we have to teach people how to treat us, I believe it.  Maybe if you sent them one of these?...

Help another in grief
Helpful-NOT!
How to Support Someone Who is Grieving | Emily Long |
Cliches - answers to
Cliches of Grief - Avoiding the

 

21 hours ago, April Ballou said:

22nd of July would have been Darrell's birthday.  So I'm going to Galveston in memory of him

You will be in our prayers as you do.

[Ainslie]

Dear April, it was extremely hard yesterday at the cemetery. I pray for you on the 22nd. I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I pray that the pain and heartache gets a little more bare able for all of us.

[Ainslie]

Dear KayC, thank you so much for your kind words. Unfortunately I have come to realize that my family is horrible and only care about themselves. I spoke up a couple weeks ago and told them how they were acting was inappropriate. I also told them, mark my words ( I have 3 sisters) you all to have husbands and I don’t wish anything bad on anyone but sooner or later someone will lose there husband and don’t come to me because you weren’t there for me. That was a couple of weeks ago. Not one of them has called or even texted me to check up on me. My mother is the one who told me I was too depressing to be around and to get over it. It’s unbelievable. I guess that’s why I clung to my husband so much because he was the only one who cared about me. I’m just so lonely and lost without him. 

[tnd]

9 hours ago, Ainslie said:

Unfortunately I have come to realize that my family is horrible and only care about themselves. I spoke up a couple weeks ago and told them how they were acting was inappropriate.

Ainslie:  Good for you!  I am sorry you had to do that but I am a big believer in being our own advocate. We must be an active participant in our own care and the life we lead. Your family may never change but the fact you took control like that and spoke up shows (I think) your own willingness to find a way to work through your grief and the changes your life is going through. You are doing this for yourself, not them. It was YOU who lost your husband, not them. And it will be up to YOU on how you will cope with it. You do have choices...so I am glad you chose to stand up for yourself and not let negativity coming from your family bring you any farther down than you already are. We have the right to grieve so grieve! It is THEIR problem if they can't handle your grief.  

[Magda]

@Ainslie I haven't been on here in a bit. Its been 3 weeks, and suddenly it feels harder. People ask if you're feeling better. Like, I just lost a human being, my person, my future! No! I'm not feeling "better"! I'm sorry you're family isn't patient and understanding. 

I finally picked up this shirt he left in my apartment on Saturday. It smells just like him.

I feel purposeless. I feel selfish because we're supposed to love, and help others, yet I feel too broken to really think about anyone. I just want to get rid of half my crap because its weighing me down. That's saying a lot because I'm a pack rat, but now all these things seem, useless, and pointless.

I just can't stop crying. I'm going through my 300 plus books because I've realized I'll never read half of them. I came across  Jordan Lee Dooley's book Own Your Everyday. She talks about things like feeling you're in a perpetual season of waiting, getting to some desired point in your life. And also looking at today as living through it as opposed to getting through it.

But I've waited 40 years on this planet to find my guy, and now, he's gone. All I ever wanted was to find my person, to get through life with. And getting thru the day is definitely the only way I can right now. 

I feel like he left and left me alone on this shithole of a planet that is getting hotter, and harder to live on. 

I have a hypnotherapist that works with the superconscious. Whatever she did, helped the anger dissipate. We'll see what she does for the grief Tuesday. Someone mentioned they're wife died of a blood clot to the heart. I wish it had been me instead.

[Frannie]

I judt lost my forever person thst I waited 43 years to find. I found him in our bed cold gray and stiff. It's only been 11 days and I cant stop crying screaming kicking having dreams all day about him. When does this get better

Mine died from a massive heart attack too and I was an open heart ICU nurse. I missed the signs with him. He even talked about cried about and was scared to death about dying the last 4 months or so

[Ainslie]

Dear Magda, I’m so sorry for what you are going threw. But I can relate. I go to bed every night praying I don’t wake up, but here I am again struggling another day. On the 25th it will be 2 months already that he has been gone. I can’t believe it still and my feelings are still the same. Shock, confusion and not wanting to go on another day without him. But somehow I’m still here. The pain is so unbearable I thought my heart would explode but yet here I am. Good luck at the hypo therapist. I hope it helps you in some ways. I am here for you. Hugs

[Ainslie]

Dear frannie I am so sorry for your loss and pain you are going threw. My husband committed suicide. We were together every day. I feel like I should of seen the signs too. I carry guilt and only if… would’ve, could’ve of, should’ve always plays in my mind. Please don’t be hard on yourself. It hasn’t even been 2 months and I still cry every day. People keep telling me that the pain never goes away but with time life becomes more bareable. I’m still waiting and trying to make it through another day. We are all here for you. Please keep coming here and sharing. I know this is the only place I feel people understand me. Sending you the biggest hug 

[Ainslie]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

Ainslie:  Good for you!  I am sorry you had to do that but I am a big believer in being our own advocate. We must be an active participant in our own care and the life we lead. Your family may never change but the fact you took control like that and spoke up shows (I think) your own willingness to find a way to work through your grief and the changes your life is going through. You are doing this for yourself, not them. It was YOU who lost your husband, not them. And it will be up to YOU on how you will cope with it. You do have choices...so I am glad you chose to stand up for yourself and not let negativity coming from your family bring you any farther down than you already are. We have the right to grieve so grieve! It is THEIR problem if they can't handle your grief.  

Dear tnd, I am a very quiet person. I keep to myself and never make waves but I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. The loneliness and sadness is to much. You would think of all people you’re family would have some compassion and put themselves in your shoes for only a minute and show you some sympathy. My family is so cold. No wonder why I clung to my husband. I felt more love from the gas station lady who asked me if I was ok. I broke down and told her and she came around the counter and hugged me and cried with me. They say blood is thicker than water, I don’t believe that any more. 

[Frannie]

Ainslie, my family Is not there for me either. And with his family we weren't married yet so I had no say in anything. They haven't even given me ashes they promised me. Its awful 

[April Ballou]

@Frannie welcome to the forum.  Sorry it's for losing your loved one.  It's been almost 11 months since my husband died.  He was in the hospital, but I was the one who had to tell them to turn the machines off.  I still think about that would have, could have, and should have.  There are no right answers to all the questions.  We as a group read, rant, comment on posts.  It's a help to know that everyone understands what your going through, because they are too.  I'm sorry that his family are treating you that way.  Married or not shouldn't matter.  My husband's father quit having anything to do with me.  But that's his loss not mine.  I will pray for you.  

[Ainslie]

1 hour ago, Frannie said:

Ainslie, my family Is not there for me either. And with his family we weren't married yet so I had no say in anything. They haven't even given me ashes they promised me. Its awful 

Oh Frannie I’m so sorry. We were married for 13 years and they didn’t include me in the funeral arrangements or even the obituary. They said loving son uncle but not husband. It hurts me that they didn’t even acknowledge me. They even buried him near there house and are making a tombstone. I didn’t get a say in anything and the worse part is that they weren’t even in are lives for the 13 years we were together. I had no say or control because we were and are always financially struggling. I know that he knows how much I loved him so I stopped being mad at what they did. I’m sure your loves knows that too. I pray that you do get his ashes and they realize married or not he belongs to you. 

[KayC]

Ainslie, you have my permission to walk away from them, sometimes we have to do what is in our best mentally.  I pray you find a grief support group and meet new people/friends.  It helps to have support. 

8 hours ago, Magda said:

I finally picked up this shirt he left in my apartment on Saturday. It smells just like him.

Put it in a ziploc bag to hold the scent in...no one told me that and George's scent disappeared in about a month. 

7 hours ago, Frannie said:

I judt lost my forever person thst I waited 43 years to find. I found him in our bed cold gray and stiff. It's only been 11 days and I cant stop crying screaming kicking having dreams all day about him. When does this get better

Mine died from a massive heart attack too and I was an open heart ICU nurse. I missed the signs with him. He even talked about cried about and was scared to death about dying the last 4 months or so

I am so sorry!  Someone else posted a while back that they lost their dad and missed it and they were a nurse, they felt guilty, but it's more common than you'd think, we aren't looking to diagnose those we love, we aren't expecting this at all.

I am so sorry his family hasn't given you any ashes and that your family is not there for you.  My family cared but didn't have a clue what I was going through, still doesn't, although one sister just lost her husband after 50 years of marriage, I lost mine all too young 16 years ago, we didn't meet until our mid-40s.  He was my soulmate and best friend.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Ainslie]

Dear KayC, thank you so much for always being there for me and for all of us. I finally gave up on my family and his for any type of support. I’m so glad I have this forum to come to. I did look for support groups and unfortunately in my area they only have one day a month. It’s crazy that there isn’t more support for grief. Everyone goes through it at some point in there lives. I am hoping when I’m more stable to reach out to local churches and see if they would be willing to let me start one.

[tnd]

9 hours ago, April Ballou said:

He was in the hospital, but I was the one who had to tell them to turn the machines off.  I still think about that would have, could have, and should have.

April Ballou:  I went through the same thing. They had been performing CPR on him for 10 minutes and a nurse even told me (wish she wouldn't have) that she "cracked" (her exact words) his sternum when she was doing CPR. They called me on the phone to get permission to stop. It was awful. I have thought about the what if's and should have's too but any way I look at it, the answer is pretty clear; he was already on his way to Heaven to meet his creator and had suffered and suffers no more. I can only hope that at some point when you are ready that you will find at least a little bit of comfort in knowing your Darrell is at peace now. My husband is at peace and now I've got to find a way to have some peace. I know he would have wanted me to. 

[April Ballou]

I know that Darrell is in heaven and hes not sick or hurting anymore.   But I still miss him and wished there was something that could have been done differently.  But I know that God will continue to help me, just like everyone in this forum. My family, witch is actually his family, has helped along with my kids.  I thank God everyday for all the help

[tnd]

6 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

But I know that God will continue to help me, just like everyone in this forum.

April Ballou:  Since I know that my husband is no longer suffering, I am trying to realize that I need to work on healing from all this pain and turmoil that I am feeling. I miss my husband and it hurts very badly. I am lost, too. But I know I need to find a way to keep going without falling apart every day and to have some sort of life without being in such agony. I don't know if I can do it but I am certain my husband would want me to keep going until my own time comes and we are rejoined. 

[April Ballou]

Yes @tnd your right.  My husband isn't sick or in pain.  I'm glad of that.  It's just the pain of him being gone.  Still hurts and it's almost 11 months now.  Some days are better than others.  But as his birthday approaches I find myself crying alot.  And then our anniversary is on the 31st.  God is my only refuge through all of this.  I have to hold on to the grace of God.  

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Ainslie said:

I am hoping when I’m more stable to reach out to local churches and see if they would be willing to let me start one.

I did that prior to Covid and am willing to start it back up as the need arises.  It's where my heart is. If you do, I have collected tons of articles over the years.  Whatsyourgrief.com has a lot, so does griefhealing.com talk to MartyT there.

This may be a little early for you guys, but maybe it helps knowing someone has...
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/06/voices-of-experience-learning-to-be.html

 

[tnd]

22 hours ago, April Ballou said:

Still hurts and it's almost 11 months now.  Some days are better than others.  But as his birthday approaches I find myself crying alot.

April Ballou:  I am so sorry you are hurting. You must've loved your husband tremendously. He was a lucky man. I don't think 11 months is very long to heal from such a deep loss. From what I've read from others on the site, it still hurts even after several years. I try not to think about the days/weeks/months that go by. I just know that today is the same as yesterday in the way that he's still gone. It almost feels weird that he isn't home. It's like I can feel him here, like when he'd go to the store and come back. I still kind of feel him here but I know he's not coming back. There's tissue on the floor that he dropped next to a chair and I have left it there because I know he meant to throw it away but didn't get around to it. That was months ago and I am still staring at that piece of tissue. I know I am going to have to pick it up and get it over with but it's stuff like that that makes me feel as tho he's still around. I pray that when my own time comes that God will let me be with my husband again. I have to believe He will. I have to have something to hope for.