I’m so numb I can’t take it

[Ainslie]

Oh my god his family just posted his obituary and didn’t even put me in there.  I am crying so hard I can’t stop 

[BridgetMcSki]

We will be here. Whatever you’re feeling, whatever people are doing…. Tell us, we’re here. 

[steveb]

5 hours ago, Ainslie said:

KayC you truly are an amazing person 

I second that!  Again:)

[Ainslie]

I finally heard from one of his sisters and in the beginning of the conversation she was nice and consouling . Saying how much he loved me and then all of a sudden it was kind of like the blame game. That he was sooo worried and you losing the house and he did it because of me. I already have so much guilt and am going threw so much and now this is how his family feels. The funeral is tomorrow and it’s going to be all his family and me walking in alone. I don’t know how I’m going to do it knowing that they feel this way. 

[Gail 8588]

Ainslie,

Tomorrow will be a hard day, but you will get through it. Just think about being there for him.  People will say nice things about him and that will be hard and good at the same time. 

My husband's memorial service was a blur, and I think that is fairly common. 

Don't worry about how the service will go. If you break down and sob, that's alright. If you are stoic and numb, that's alright too. Whatever happens will be alright. 

Hugs

Gail 

[KayC]

You know how he loved you and would not want his family acting like this to you.  It's horrid that they didn't mention you in his obit, the most IMPORTANT person in his life!  The person he wanted to spend his life with.  Shame on them!!!  Try to not give them a second thought, blot them out, go to his service with your head held high and look through them, do this for him alone, giving yourself inner thoughts, self-talk how much he loves you, yes even still.  Our arms surround you as you go.

[Ainslie]

KayC thank you so much for being there for me. You’re words are very empowering and I will hold  on to them. You just gave me some courage and strength. You are truly a wonderful person and I can’t thank you enough.

[Ainslie]

I just find it so frustrating that I wasn’t mentioned in the obituary and I was with my husband for 13 years and his 3 sisters maybe called us twice in those 13 years. Never called him to see how he was doing or have any interest in are life and when he tried to reach out and call them they never had time but now they are the ones running the show. I’m very sad and disappointed in people. 

[KayC]

8 minutes ago, Ainslie said:

Never called him to see how he was doing or have any interest in are life and when he tried to reach out and call them they never had time but now they are the ones running the show.

Don't you think it's their guilt behind it?

[Ainslie]

KayC I think you’re right because yesterday when one of his sisters texted me she kept trying to blame me. Saying that he was so worried that you were going to lose the house because of the law suit. 

[KayC]

Of course he was, that's how partners are, they care about each other!  But if that is why he did it, it was not your choice or action or influence, that was HIS choice, you never would have wanted that choice!  Most of us here would rather be homeless than have our partner gone from us!  I would be in heaven if only my George were here, I know you feel the same.  They are so wrong to blame you but I guess they find that easier than blaming him or themselves...but in actuality we're better off not playing the blame game, it helps no one as is usually off.

[Ainslie]

I’m so scared for tomorrow morning. I can’t take this

[BridgetMcSki]

We will be with you. I remember that morning and wanting to go there to just see him but knowing in reality it was the finality. Message us. My therapist even told me (as crazy as it sounds) if you feel like I can’t balance yourself, go outside and hug a tree. Hugging the tree will ground you. 

[Ainslie]

Thank you so much for being there for me 

[Michelene]

On 5/31/2021 at 6:30 PM, Ainslie said:

I just received a text that the funeral is this Thursday. I can’t breathe. I’m numb. I feel broken. I don’t know how I will ever be able to walk up to the casket and say goodbye to my love. I am laying in bed praying god takes me in my sleep.

Ainslie, I am so sorry for losing your husband this way, any way really is difficult. I know it would be difficult at any time to view your husband, but some (most?) funeral homes would allow a private viewing, I think, for you, if that would make it something that sounds like something you could do. that way it would be just you and your husband, no audience/family.

[Ainslie]

I don’t even think I can do a private viewing because knowing he will be laying in a casket is terrifying and overwhelming for me 

[Ainslie]

Oh my god today is the funeral 

[steveb]

You will get through it Ainslie. This is your last opportunity to see the face of your husband. Focus on you and your husband, and not the  other family members.  I’ll be praying for you. 

Hugs … Steve 

 

 

 

[nikkinaz]

Hi Ainslie

Just to let you know, I’m thinking of you today. I pray for strength to get you through today. 

Hugs Nikki x

 

 

[Ainslie]

Thank you so much Steve and niki it means more than you will ever know. I’m heading to the funeral now.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Ainslie said:

I’m so scared for tomorrow morning. I can’t take this

We are with you in spirit as you go through this.

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Ainslie; I am thinking of you today and pray you found some measure of support and comfort. I'm so sorry for your loss and feel so bad about the way his family is hurting you. Hold on to the knowledge that you and your husband were deeply in love. 

[Gail 8588]

Ainslie,

Hoping it went better than you feared.  Also hope you were able to come home and rest afterward.  Stress is very exhausting!

Hugs

Gail

[foreverhis]

On 6/1/2021 at 12:16 PM, Ainslie said:

Oh my god his family just posted his obituary and didn’t even put me in there.  I am crying so hard I can’t stop 

Hi Ainslie.  My heart is simply breaking for what you're going through right now.  And I'm angry too.  I'm angry that you--his wife--are being treated so callously and cruelly.  The fact is that his parents had no legal right to do anything and should not have been allowed by the coroner (or however such things are handled where you live) to take control.  You are his legal next of kin, not them.  So right off the bat, it struck me as wrong.  Still, I sure understand why you would be too overwhelmed to handle things, so that having his parents/family take care of things would make sense.  If they had been kind and caring, then I'd be all for it to help ease your mind and heart in any way possible.  They weren't and now they are making your shattered heart ache even more.

If I may suggest (and I don't usually give advice unless asked), when you are able, no matter how far down the road it is, that you write and have published an obituary for your husband from you, the love of his life.  My John really didn't want a big obituary deal, so I wrote it from the perspective of who he was to the people who loved him and what he was to me.  He was adamant that there be no formal funeral, so instead of a notice of that, I simply ended it on a note to him to "rest lightly, my love."

Attending his funeral, one over which you had no say, was no doubt one of the hardest things imaginable.  There's no such thing as "closure" or "moving on" or any other stupid cliche, but a funeral or memorial service can help us start to see that it wasn't a nightmare and that we face a long, hard journey through grief.

And now that the funeral is over and if his family remains toxic to you, I urge you to distance yourself as much as possible.  Deal with whatever legal paperwork, etc. must be done by you, his wife.  As much as I hate to mention it, I worry that his family are going to try to make things harder for you that way as well.  At a time when we have virtually no strength to handle anything, we are forced to anyway.  If you have a friend or family member of your own who can kind of be your support and help, please ask them to be there for you. 

I am so sorry that you have to be here with us, but I think you've already realized that you've found a good place to be.  You are not alone.

[BridgetMcSki]

You will get through the day. I know every minute seems like an hour and every hour seems like a day. But you will get through this. 

[KayC]

I'm sure you're exhausted but I hope you rest tonight and know he is with you every step of this. 

[steveb]

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

At a time when we have virtually no strength to handle anything, we are forced to anyway.  If you have a friend or family member of your own who can kind of be your support and help, please ask them to be there for you.

Ainslie, foreverhis nailed it.  Your husband’s family is unfortunately toxic.  

We are all thinking of you.  Please try and get some rest so that your mind and body can recuperate a bit. 

[Ainslie]

I want to thank each and everyone of you who wrote me. It gave me strength and courage I didn’t know I had. Yesterday was the worst day besides the day it happened. I arrived at the funeral home and still didn’t believe it. As I walked threw the door and saw him in the casket I thought my heart was going to explode. Shock, numbness and sadness. I understand we are all in a great amount of pain but I was treated as if I wasn’t his wife. I sat alone near the casket starring at him the whole time. As “his” family went up to talk about him they would say “Oh Andrew loved sports “ and now he’s playing in heaven. WHAT??? He hated sports. They didn’t even know him because they didn’t even talk to him for 13 years. I was so mad and sad for my husband because his family was talking about someone else. We went to the cemetery and everyone left before they put him in the ground. I heard his family talking about going to eat lunch which I wasn’t invited. I sat at the cemetery until they put the last shovel of dirt on him. I feel like his family did the minimal just to get it over with. He always felt like his family didn’t care about him and now I see why. After I sat with him at the cemetery for a long while I got up and was getting ready to leave and I was so angry that he left me all alone. Now what do I do. I m so scared and alone.

[steveb]

Ainslie, you have the inner strength to persevere.  This time in particular is lonely and scary, but  you will get through it.  I’m so sorry you had to deal with the pain caused by your husband’s family.  They are simply bringing you down even further.  I would limit or eliminate any contact with them.   Is there anyone in your own family that can stay with you for a while?  Maybe someone that can you can confide in and help you navigate banking, legal matters, etc?

We are here for you. 

[Ainslie]

Unfortunately Steve there is no one. I called my sister when it happened and she simply said to go for a drive and said she was busy and shut the phone and hasn’t called back. I will take your advice and stay away from his family as well. After yesterday and the way I was treated I’m pretty sure they want nothing to do with me either. I will just try and take it one day at a time. From the bottom of my heart thank  you so much for your kind words and advice.

[Sparky1]

Wow Ainslie, I feel for you so much, wish I could give you a big hug. I can't believe how you were treated by his family and your family. How could people be so callous? Like Steve said, you have to hopefully be able to confide in a good friend, or other family member that will be sympathetic to your feelings. You need emotional support right now, someone to talk to about your feelings. Come here and talk about it as we understand.

[KayC]

These people are unreal!  I think your best bet is making new friends, start with a grief support group (in person preferably) but keep coming here.  I have "friends" but no one I can count on or who really cares, you know what I mean?  I did have one for ten years but she moved to another state, thought I had another but she pulled away during Covid.  Made another and now she's dying of cancer.  Another lives across the US but not the same as someone you can see in person.  I turn to God, and am thankful for Him.  And my puppy.

 

[Ainslie]

Thank you so much KayC I truly appreciate all your wisdom and kind words. I am so sorry for what you are going threw as well and I am so grateful to all of you on this website.

[tnd]

Whoa, Ainslie. What you've been going thru is truly awful. I am very sorry for your loss. How you have been dealing with it tho and coming on here to talk is amazing. You are showing enormous strength. I, too have been dealing with nasty in-laws blaming me. It hurts. If only they knew the truth...but I'm not going to waste my time on them. They knew he was ill and that my own illness had nothing to do with it. Please don't waste time on them. I don't think my husband would want me to, perhaps yours would feel the same about you. I kept some of the nastiness I had been getting from his family from him. Thought I'd only tell him once he was well enough to come home. Now I am kind of glad that he never had to hear it. I hope you "keep on keeping on" as they say. The insults and mean words from his family, one in particular really hurt me but I am now choosing to let go of that because it is so negative and evil. I do not  need "negative and evil" in my life. Not now, not ever. Don't know how we are suppose to move forward with grief but if we do, I don't want anything negative, wicked or evil coming with me.  

[BridgetMcSki]

I agree with your statement. We are dealing with just coming to terms with grief and then the negativity comes and it just dismantles what our mind is trying to accept. I haven’t even picked up the phone from people who I know will say the dumbest things ever. 

[KayC]

Gosh, and I'm going through it with family over my sister (she's in the hospital and they say she can't come home because of her mental state).  We can tell ourselves all kinds of things but the negativity does hurt.

[steveb]

9 hours ago, BridgetMcSki said:

We are dealing with just coming to terms with grief and then the negativity comes and it just dismantles what our mind is trying to accept.

How true … such negativity just piles pain upon pain.  The people that inflict such pain are immature and pathetic. 

[Ainslie]

Dear tnd, it’s been a week since the funeral and I have cut ties with every negative person. They made it easy because they stopped communicating the day after the funeral. I did run into one of his sisters at a gas station and she quickly turned her head as if she didn’t recognize me. I am still trying to grasp what has happened and I am still trying to deal with the shock of everything. I feel like I’m in some bad nightmare and will wake up soon and everything will be back to normal. I am so sorry for what you are going threw as well. I feel for all of us here. I never knew this type of pain existed. I am so grateful for each and every one of you. 

[KayC]

I had to let go of George's family, especially his dad who badmouthed him w/o cause....this after not even bothering to attend his funeral!  (He only lived two hours away and was offered a ride.)  I do stay in touch with his daughter and have minimal contact with his son.  I follow their lead.  I recently got a graduation notice from his granddaughter, how I wish he could have been here as she grew up!

[Ainslie]

KayC I’m so glad that they invited you to the graduation party. I would love to stay close with his family. I feel in some way it would of kept me close to him and not losing him completely if that makes sense. But they haven’t even  been part of are life for 13 years. They didn’t even know much about what he liked or who he was. The funeral was a joke. They didn’t even have pictures of him. They only had baby pictures and what they said about him about liking certain things and sports was a joke. He was my family, he was my everything. It’s been really hard because we didn’t have friends. We did everything together. Besides you guys I truly don’t have anyone and appreciate all of you. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through and being alone day after day makes it harder. I sure hope that you will go to the graduation party and everyone will treat you with love and respect.

[steveb]

Once you are up to it Ainslie, you will make friends. And, It’s  obvious to me that you would make a wonderful friend:)  

[KimK]

Ainslie, I feel your pain so deeply. I feel like I'm reading about myself. We're united in this weird world of grief and shock and disbelief that doesn't seem to have a purpose or end. The guilt, the disbelief... my husband has been gone for only 3 months, so it's very sharp and fresh. I had a lot of the same things going on, with his family trying to take control and making me feel weak. I also want to say that I didn't have many friends either, and I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that he was controlling. I just started seeing a counselor, so I'm hoping to dig into that a little. I think the control and isolation is compounding my grief, so you may think about that as you go down the road? Normalize your expectations and give yourself grace by reading comments and threads, and seeing how much of grief hurts us in similar ways. You're not alone, though it feels that way. And please don't fear death. I just started watching an older program that's free on tubitv.com. I'm not necessarily recommending it, because everyone's different, but I'm feeling a lot of rejection and weird stuff, so I wanted to know more about the other side... the show is called "I survived... beyond and back". It's not the one called "I survived" by itself. Anyway, real accounts originally aired on A&E about people's experience dying, going to the other side, and coming back. It's been incredibly healing for me. It's a beautiful place, where you're complete, and there's love and perfect peace. We on this side suffer, and that hurts, but he's better than he's ever been. This life is a journey that doesn't end, it just translates into eternity. I still can't sleep and I have 2 little kids and things are hard, but keep swimming for me. And I'll keep swimming too. <3

[Ainslie]

Steveb thank you so much for your kind words it means more than you know. 

[Ainslie]

KimK thank you so much for the show suggestion. I actually just bought a couple of books trying to actually see if there is life after death . I’m trying anything just to see if he is ok . I know it may sound crazy to some people but I find comfort in the things I have read about life after death. Also I know it only has been a couple of weeks but I’m starting to realize how isolated we lived. He was a very jealous man and every time I suggested to meet couples and have friends he would always say that they just cause problems between couples and we didn’t need the drama. We had each other and that’s all we needed. He didn’t let me go anywhere alone, so I find it weird to just go up to the store without telling him we’re I’m going and the reason I have to go. Life now is definitely an adjustment. I pray for all of us that we get threw this the best we can. And I will definitely swim for you!!

[BridgetMcSki]

There is also a documentary @KimK on Netflix that might be very similar to the show that you’re describing. I still dream of him and wake up in a daze and confused because it feels so real. 

[Ainslie]

Do you have the name of the documentary on Netflix? Any recommendations on books, movies or shows would be greatly appreciated. It’s so crazy I find myself laying in bed wishing he will come see me in my dreams just so I can see him and I haven’t been dreaming. I can’t sleep that well since it happened. 

[KayC]

Here's a whole list of books:
Books

I wasn't invited, they live in TN, I live in OR.  Friends did me no good, my two BFs didn't even show up at his funeral!  One friend said George gave him his car to which I replied, "It's too bad he didn't remember he had car payments!"  That was at the hospital right after he died.  Another stole the wedding ring I'd given him as a wedding present, too bad I didn't figure it out sooner so the police could have paid them a visit!  It's hard to have clarity in grief fog.  But I know for a fact where it went.  Another took all his tools from work (thousands of dollars worth), never got them back.  My son made the 3-4 hour round trip to pick them up...for nothing.

[Ainslie]

KayC thank you so much for the book suggestions. I find myself reading a lot more than I ever have. I’m so sorry that people are so mean especially in your time of need. It’s really crazy how some people have the nerve to do and say things when you’re going through something awful. It’s only been a couple of weeks but I know sooner or later his family is going to want some of the tools his grandfather gave him. At this point nothing matters to me anymore. They can have it all. I just want him back. 

[BridgetMcSki]

@Ainslie the Netflix documentary is called “surviving death”. There’s 6 episodes in total. Haven’t finished it yet. For me, I need to process and think about things lol as you can see I was the Over thinker and Ryan was in the moment. 

[Ainslie]

Bridget that’s exactly how we were. Me the over thinker and Andrew was the one who was the fly by the seat of your pants. Thank you so much for the Netflix recommendation. I will definitely watch it!!