I’m so numb I can’t take it

[Ainslie]

My husband took his life yesterday and he was only 38. We were suppose to grow old together. He told me he loved me so much and he wouldn’t know what to do without me and now he did this. I don’t understand this. The pain is so unbearable I can’t take it. Why? I thought my love was enough 

[nikkinaz]

Hi Ainslie

So sorry you have not only lost your husband but in this way. It is so painful and the questions also remain unanswered, very difficult. Did you husband have depression at all ?

I can only speak from my own experience. My brother commited suicide in our home last July and we were doing all we could to help him. At the end of all the questioning, pain and helpless feelings - we accept that he was in so much turmoil and pain, that this was the only path he could take to free himself from pain. It is not easy for those left behind, and it kind of transfers the pain onto us.  And I know we could have gone to the moon and back and nothing could help us, help him.

And then 6 months later my husband died suddenly and he was only 54, so this has been a lot for me to deal with. (I always thought we’d grow old together too).  I am nowhere near ok yet and I struggle everyday. The only way I can be semi ok is just to take this all a day at a time. Some days are also hour at a time to get to the end of the day. I hope one day I’ll be at a stage where I can live with with all this in a better place. I guess it is time and being gentle with ones self which is all we can do.

Please do reach out at anytime to talk as you are dealing with a lot.

Hugs, 

Nikki

 

 

[KayC]

Oh Hon, I am so sorry, the same age as my daughter, and to go by suicide.  I want you to know it has nothing to do with you but affects you on every level.  There's nothing you could have done differently to prevent this, when someone commits suicide it's because they can't handle their inner pain and that can be from any number of things, but has more to do with where they are at and their coping ability.  I had a friend who commit suicide, he had an appt. with his therapist for the next day to change his Rxs...he couldn't hold on one day.  It was devastating to his family and they got therapy and it really helped.  I hope you will look for a grief counselor/therapist as well.  There is a section on this site for suicide that also might be of help, put you in touch with organizations to help suicide survivors.

Sometimes we find out things after they die that can be very hard to deal with as we don't have the benefit of discussing with them.  I found out three weeks before my husband died that he was doing Meth (he confessed to me, thankfully) but for the whole next year I was discovering his lies/theft from my credit line on my home to cover his tracks.  It took me time but I eventually was able to forgive and accept the whole of the man, not just the part.  They can do something wrong but we still love them, and forgiveness is for US so it doesn't poison us.  You may feel all kinds of feelings, anger, love, guilt, etc. even some at odds with each other at the same time, all of these feelings can be valid but doesn't mean we ARE guilty of anything except loving them.

Surviving A Suicide Loss - ReasonToLive.ca on Vimeo
Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide
Husband's Suicide
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Gail 8588]

Ainslie, 

I am so very sorry. 

There are so many things we don't know about how people's brains work, or the extent of the pain people can be in.  

Try to take comfort in the fact that he loved you and that he  cherished that you loved him.  Sometimes the pain is too great for any amount of love to overcome.  I am so sorry. 

Take one day at a time, one moment at a time if need be. Just keep breathing.  There may not be any understanding for a long time.  

Your emotions may vary wildly, from despair to anger, guilt, love, hate, frustration and many more. It's normal and confusing to feel all of these things.  It will take time to sort it all out. 

Come here to vent or share as you feel the need. Read other posts. It does bring some small comfort to see you are not alone, not going crazy.  

We know your life has been shattered by the death of your love.  Our lives have been shattered too, our present and our future.  It is a terrible shock to lose your soulmate, no matter what the circumstances.  

We are here for you.

Gail

 

[Ainslie]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I feel like I’m in the middle of an ocean and don’t know which way to swim or just stop swimming and sink. I still can’t believe this and I don’t know how I’m going to handle the funeral 

[BridgetMcSki]

I am very sorry. All I can do is offer you my support and love. I don’t know why things happen or the reasoning behind them. I question my own situation as well. But together we will find it to make it to another day. 

[Sparky1]

I'm sorry for your loss, it is difficult to comprehend and so devastating. I'm sure your love for him was more than enough.

[ScotJ65]

21 hours ago, KayC said:

I want you to know it has nothing to do with you but affects you on every level.  There's nothing you could have done differently to prevent this, when someone commits suicide it's because they can't handle their inner pain and that can be from any number of things, but has more to do with where they are at and their coping ability. 

Hi Ainslie, please accept my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your husband. I can only reiterate what KayC has said. Clearly there were issues affecting him which were so overwhelming that he couldn't confide in anyone - even the one person in the world he loved most. Clearly you loved this man very much & he loved you too. You are not to blame for what happened, and there was nothing you could have done. Please reach out to wherever you can for help to get you through this. And vent your feelings on here, because we're all here for one another through the darkest days. Hugs. James.

[Ainslie]

Thank you all so much. I’m reading all the comments and still find myself blaming myself and thinking only if I... the pain is so intense I feel like I can’t breathe. How will I go on without him. Why did he leave me all alone 

[BridgetMcSki]

I blame myself too. My fiancé passed away in a car accident and I say that i could of changed the event or maybe I could of changed myself to make sure this never happened. I am still in the blame game. 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Ainslie said:

thinking only if I

That is common in early grief, we go through all of the "what ifs" trying to find some different possible outcome, only there isn't any but the one that happened.  We weren't given the benefit of hindsight when we were in it.  Try not to beat yourself up, it doesn't do any good and you need your strength for getting through today.  When is the funeral, do you know yet?  We want to be here for you.

[Ainslie]

I am so sorry to hear about your fiancé. I lost my father a couple of years ago and my nephew last year and now this. It is so overwhelming and I can’t take it when people say it will get easier with time. I lost my love, my best friend, my everything. How do you grasp that? I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t move or breathe without him

[Ainslie]

Dear Kay c his parents want to take care of everything so I don’t know yet. His mom said she would let me know. He was over there house and shot himself in the basement and there the ones who told me. They had called the coroner and he body was taken away before I got to see him. They called me and told me. They said they would take care of everything so now I’m just waiting in limbo. I don’t have any information as to when it is. They are not including me. I think they think I’m to weak to handle this and they are probably right. I just don’t know how I will be able to walk into the funeral home and see him. I could barely take it when my dad died. This is the worst. My heart hurts so bad I just don’t know what to do 

[Gail 8588]

13 minutes ago, Ainslie said:

I feel like I can’t move or breathe without him

Ainslie,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Sometimes it is a struggle just to breathe.  There were times my chest or head hurt so much, I thought 'I must be dying'.   I had no idea that grief could be so excruciatingly painful. 

But somehow I didn't actually die. 

Just focus on breathing through the waves of pain. The intensity will lessen.  It is exhausting. 

Try to take care of yourself, sleep when you can. Drink water. Eat something each day.  

One day at a time will be your mantra for awhile. 

Hugs

Gail

[Ainslie]

I feel so guilty. He was going three a court presiding over an accident he was in and he was scared they would sue us and take the house. I told him that the house was just a house and whatever would happen we would get threw it but he kept saying everything was his fault and he didn’t want anything to happen to me. It’s all my fault only if I could of convinced him.

[KayC]

It's not your fault but I know you feel what you feel.  His parents probably want to relieve you of some of the burden as they see what you're going through, you will get through this although right now you can't see it.  (((hugs)))

[Ainslie]

Thank you so much for your reassurance and kind words. No one in my family understands what I’m going threw and it means more than you know. 

[SharedLife]

3 hours ago, Ainslie said:

I feel so guilty. He was going three a court presiding over an accident he was in and he was scared they would sue us and take the house. I told him that the house was just a house and whatever would happen we would get threw it but he kept saying everything was his fault and he didn’t want anything to happen to me. It’s all my fault only if I could of convinced him.

Ainslee, what you're going through is tragic--perhaps the most tragic event anyone could endure.  But you cannot blame yourself. My father committed suicide when I as about 8 years old and I've never understood why he did.  I've tried reading about suicide and "why".  Some say it's selfish -- you leave the survivors with feelings of confusion, guilt, anxiety, and, of course, grief. 

Everybody here knows the pain you feel and shares your sense of loss. It may help you to post here about your feelings and what's happening in your life.

Is there anybody you can talk to who can serve as a counselor (a counselor, psychologist, grief counselor) or a grief support group?  In my opinion, the worst thing for you right now is to blame yourself.

[june483]

15 hours ago, Ainslie said:

still find myself blaming myself

He had an illness and love can't cure that - you are a victim of his illness as well, the price we are all paying for daring to love so deeply - 

[Ainslie]

Thank you all so much. You’re words mean the world to me. I feel like no one in my family understands what I’m going threw 

[KayC]

griefshare.org is a good group also

[Missy1]

@AinslieI am so sorry for your loss,my beautiful husband acted on an impulse while blackout intoxicated, was on depression meds not supposed to mix with alcohol. He loved me and I am still in love with him, i relive that day over and over my pain and depression have become all that I know each day. It’s been 17 months still feels raw but I am not hysterical like I was. Your loss is so new, let yourself feel the way you need to. 

I don’t want to socialize without him, yet I am so very alone...
I am so sorry you have been thrust into this world of loss and pain. I understand that feeling that his family is cutting you out. We were happily married almost 30 yrs and at the funeral I was excluded from their family circle. I am sure they must blame me for whatever reasons. Of course I feel responsible because deep inside I will always feel our love should have been enough, how did I not know he was suffering so badly. It’s been 18 months, I cry every day still. It’s hard to live without him, I wish you strength and hope you can peace. We will always carry their love inside our heart and soul. 
 

[Ainslie]

Missy I am so sorry for your loss. The pain is so raw and real. I did everything with my husband and we didn’t have friends. We were each other’s and all we needed were each other. I have no one to even turn to besides a couple of family members who are already tell me he took a cowards way out. All I wanted was a hug  or for them to judge him.

[BridgetMcSki]

I know words cannot take away the pain. Believe me, no words will take anything away. But I can say that we are here for you. When I found this website I felt like I wasn’t crazy. I went to a family even on my fiancé’s side and his aunt took me upstairs as I cried because I saw families. Families that consisted of a couple and their children. Even surrounded I have never felt so alone. I’m still waiting for him to call me and even see him because my mind can’t accept this. 

[Ainslie]

I know the feeling. We would text each other good morning and good night every day and I keep looking at my phone waiting for his text. I can’t except this and don’t want to. I can’t breathe without him.

[steveb]

We are here for you Ainslie. My wife took her life on 31 July 20.  The shock and pain shook me to my core.  My purpose for existing was gone. Chong had health issues and I believe they just simply overwhelmed her. Remember, you are not alone. I hope we can give you a bit of comfort.  I know that sharing my thoughts on this site helped me immensely.  God bless, Steve. 

[KayC]

I'm sorry Ainslie, no one should make a judgmental statement of him, suicide is not that simple and very hard for survivors to deal with, you don't need that, you need caring, a hug, sometimes I wish people would just be there but not open their mouths as most of what comes out is not helpful.  Knowing they mean well does not help, at least it didn't me.

[Ainslie]

Thank you so much. You’re stories and understand is very comforting. I actually tried calling my sister to tell her what my husband did and she said she was busy and to go take a drive. I swear I thought she would be more understanding because her son my nephew died 2 years ago from lupus but boy was I wrong if anything she made me feel like my husband didn’t matter. My family has never been supportive I don’t know why I thought they would be there for me. I feel totally alone.

[steveb]

Wow Ainslie, your sister showed unbelievable callousness.  Are there any friends, neighbors, fellow church members, or other relatives that can stay with you?  You shouldn’t be alone right now.  
 

Big hug … Steve 

[Ainslie]

No Steve my husband was a very jealous man and unfortunately we have no friends 

[steveb]

We are here for you Ainslie.  I know it’s extremely hard at this moment, but don’t neglect yourself.  You are in my thoughts and prayers. 

[Ainslie]

As you are in mine. Thank you so much 

[BridgetMcSki]

Although we do not want to be part of this club, we are here for each other. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Ainslie said:

I actually tried calling my sister to tell her what my husband did and she said she was busy and to go take a drive.

Unbelievable, just when you've heard it all!  I am so sorry, it does seem she has ice running through her veins.  I encourage you to try a grief support group that you could meet others you could talk to and have your feelings acknowledged.  Barring that, I hope you'll continue to come here as we all get it and won't say horrid things to you like that!  I am just so sorry.

 

[Ainslie]

Thank you so much kayC you have already been there more for me in the comments than my family ever has. I thank you from the bottom of my heart 

[steveb]

5 hours ago, Ainslie said:

Thank you so much kayC you have already been there more for me in the comments than my family ever has.

KayC is certainly an extraordinary person. My faith in humanity is restored every time I read her posts:)

[Ainslie]

I just received a text that the funeral is this Thursday. I can’t breathe. I’m numb. I feel broken. I don’t know how I will ever be able to walk up to the casket and say goodbye to my love. I am laying in bed praying god takes me in my sleep.

[BridgetMcSki]

We are with you. Keep writing on this post Nader will be there every step. I still can’t fathom that his funeral mass has already happened. But we are with you. 

[Ainslie]

I almost don’t want to go because if I do than this is all true 

[BridgetMcSki]

I have been there. For me, when I saw him, I didn’t feel him there. I saw “him” but his energy wasn’t there. And I sat there and started at him and I could see him physically but I knew he wasn’t in his body. 

[Ainslie]

I don’t know if I have the strength to see him that way. But I don’t want to regret not saying good bye. I don’t know what to do 

[BridgetMcSki]

In my mind where I couldn’t even think I wrote him a letter and I just wanted him to hear, read and see that I will always love him. I would of slept on the floor to not be away from him. Maybe you should write a letter to yourself so that way you prepare yourself emotionally as to how you will get through the day. Make a plan. Schedule breaks, even schedule when you’re going to drink water. 

[Ainslie]

Thank you so much for your words and help. I’m so sorry that you have gone threw this as well. No one around me wants to even look at me let a lone talk to me. 

[Jemiga70]

2 hours ago, Ainslie said:

I almost don’t want to go because if I do than this is all true 

Ainslie, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I empathise.

I can relate to the shock and the disbelief. The last 4 weeks have felt like a bad dream, or maybe a movie, or a bad joke, certainly nothing that could possibly be true or real.

Hugs to you.

[Ainslie]

That’s how I feel like it’s a mistake or misunderstanding. I can’t except it 

[BridgetMcSki]

My head has realized the event but my heart will forever reject it. Be prepared for the utterly stupid comments people make at the wake. I got,”you’re young you’ll find someone else, it’s time to move on, it was his time, life goes on, and the best of all……. You’re so strong so stay strong”. I don’t know what’s worse people who open their mouths or those that say, “how you doing” without any sincerity. 

[KayC]

Oh Hon, you are still in shock, it takes much time to begin to absorb this.  George's funeral was helpful to me in that so many showed up and said good things about him, I needed that, needed to know that others recognized what a good man he was.  I hope this will be your experience as well, I don't know how it goes since Covid, but I hope you will have support through this.  I do not understand family saying inappropriate things.  My family didn't get it but were caring at least.  His family was unreal, his own father didn't even bother coming.  He called me a year later bad-mouthing him, he did not deserve that, I reminded him how George had always been there for him and told him to call me when he had something good to say.  He never did.  No accounting for family sometimes.

 

You have our thoughts and prayers Thursday.  (((hugs)))

[Ainslie]

I am so terrified of death to begin with and have no support only you guys. I truly thank you for writing me and your experiences 

[KayC]

We'll be here for you, I'm not going anywhere.  I want to be here for others going through this just as someone was when I went through it.  

[Ainslie]

KayC you truly are an amazing person