Lost and confused

[BridgetMcSki]

My fiancé passed on May 10th to a car accident. We were supposed to get married in August 2021 with just 86 days left until we said, "I do". I feel as if all the views and images of our life and my life are over and I'm scared. I'm scared of never being a mother, growing old alone or not having my best friend. People have said that I am still young and can fine someone else but just the thought of another human interacting the same way or even being close to someone else sickens me. All I want is him and I will never know why this happened or why the universe is punishing me. I go through what I could have done to have stopped this event but I just wish I could turn back time and never lose him. I feel guilty when I'm not in pain or thinking of him. I feel as if my life will never be the same and as if he took me with him when he passed. How will I be able to function or be o.k when all I have now are memories? I'm angry at him, because he promised he would never leave me and he has now broken his promise. How does life go on and why did this happen? And now I will go through life always wondering how we would of conquered the world together. 

[TimeOut]

Hi BridgetMcSki,

My husband died unexpectedly 3 months ago, and I had this same, overwhelming feeling... that not only had I lost him in my life, but also our entire future that we were supposed to have together. We were supposed to grow old together. Now that will never happen, and it's devastating. Your life plans have just been completely upended. It is normal to feel angry, and cheated out of the life you planned, and betrayed by him and the Universe. Of course you have no interest in being with anyone else, right now. This thing that has happened to you is grossly unfair and you didn't deserve it.. What is happening to you now is the hardest thing that will ever happen to you. There is no way to change it, or fix it, or make it better; which really sucks. But please know, you will not always feel as awful as you do now.  You will have good days and bad days; good moments and bad moments. You are not alone. There are a million different kinds of grief and people have been going through it, and surviving it, as long as there have been people in the Universe. Find someone to talk to about it, daily, if you need to. Start a journal, read a book about grief, take care of yourself. Try to do one thing each day, even if that one thing is to just get out of bed. Hang in there.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, BridgetMcSki said:

My fiancé passed on May 10th to a car accident. We were supposed to get married in August 2021 with just 86 days left until we said, "I do". I feel as if all the views and images of our life and my life are over and I'm scared. I'm scared of never being a mother, growing old alone or not having my best friend. People have said that I am still young and can fine someone else but just the thought of another human interacting the same way or even being close to someone else sickens me. All I want is him and I will never know why this happened or why the universe is punishing me. I go through what I could have done to have stopped this event but I just wish I could turn back time and never lose him. I feel guilty when I'm not in pain or thinking of him. I feel as if my life will never be the same and as if he took me with him when he passed. How will I be able to function or be o.k when all I have now are memories? I'm angry at him, because he promised he would never leave me and he has now broken his promise. How does life go on and why did this happen? And now I will go through life always wondering how we would of conquered the world together. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  Life is indeed unfair as it doles out things inequitably.  My husband died suddenly/unexpectedly, right after his 51st birthday, we didn't meet until our mid-40s but we were soulmates and best friends!  There's nothing fair about this.  My sister got her husband for 50 years of marriage, he just died, 80 years old.  But it doesn't make it any easier on her that they got a lifetime together, we can't compare as that devalues someone's loss/pain, it's just hard to go through no matter how long we got as it's never enough!

I am glad you found this site and welcome you to come here to read/post whenever you desire, we want to be here for you as you make your way through this!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

8 hours ago, TimeOut said:

Hi BridgetMcSki,

My husband died unexpectedly 3 months ago, and I had this same, overwhelming feeling... that not only had I lost him in my life, but also our entire future that we were supposed to have together. We were supposed to grow old together. Now that will never happen, and it's devastating. Your life plans have just been completely upended. It is normal to feel angry, and cheated out of the life you planned, and betrayed by him and the Universe. Of course you have no interest in being with anyone else, right now. This thing that has happened to you is grossly unfair and you didn't deserve it.. What is happening to you now is the hardest thing that will ever happen to you. There is no way to change it, or fix it, or make it better; which really sucks. But please know, you will not always feel as awful as you do now.  You will have good days and bad days; good moments and bad moments. You are not alone. There are a million different kinds of grief and people have been going through it, and surviving it, as long as there have been people in the Universe. Find someone to talk to about it, daily, if you need to. Start a journal, read a book about grief, take care of yourself. Try to do one thing each day, even if that one thing is to just get out of bed. Hang in there.

So much wisdom for someone so new in this!  You are already an inspiration and big help to us here, we thank you!

[Gail 8588]

Bridget, 

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so life shattering when your soulmate dies. It really is like a physical brain injury, that your brain needs time to heal. We want so much to understand why, but it is incomprehensible. We want so much to fix this, but no fix is possible. We want to blame someone or something, and if there is nothing to blame, we often (illogically) blame ourselves. We are in a malfunctioning mental  feedback loop - How can this be???  How is the world still turning???  How can I be breathing when he is not???

Lost and confused is exactly the right description.  Those of us on this forum "get it", because our lives have been shattered too. 

We are so sorry you have reason to join us, but we welcome you into our community.   Come here to vent whenever you feel the need.  Sometimes it helps just to read the posts of others, and see that you are not alone in what you are feeling. 

Hugs,

Gail

[BridgetMcSki]

Thank you. I feel like he took me with him because he took all the future with him. I was so angry yesterday, so angry that I said in my journal, “why didn’t you fight”. He passed away in the car accident from the force to his head and it is said he passed instantly. But I am so angry. And then there’s parts of me where my brain freezes me from thinking of him. And then I feel guilt. And then I blame myself and say that I couldn’t of gone over to where he wouldn’t have to leave that fateful day. I have found a grief therapist that just works with bereavement. I feel guilty to eat, to breathe, to laugh to be comforted. 

[Gail 8588]

Bridget, 

It is good you are going to work with a bereavement specialist.  It is really hard to find your way through this type of loss.  

Some days it's all you can do to just barely survive, breathe, eat a bit, wash your face.  Other days you may be able to go through the motions of living, but you just feel numb.  

I remember one day, soon after my husband died, I had to go to the office for some HR reason.  As I walked in the building, I had the impression that the shiny polished floor was not solid, that if I stepped on it I would just fall through into the abyss of ??? I didn't know what.   I couldn't go in.  I walked back to my car and sobbed for ? awhile.  An HR employee came out to my car and helped me in.  I couldn't even explain why I was crying, or why I didn't come in. It sounded too crazy, even to me. 

Your brain is not reliable right now. Of course he would have fought to stay with you.  He loved you.  This is not his fault, it's not your fault, it's just incomprehensible. 

Be kind to yourself. 

Gail

[KayC]

I echo what others have said in response.  No one's fault, nothing fair about this, life doles out what it does and not equitably.  I was truly happy for the first time in my life, I've learned it does no good to ask why about this...never got any answers.  I just do what I can in the now.

[BridgetMcSki]

Our lives were coming together and we were so at peace and ready to begin life. And now I feel as if I don’t have a future because I had everything planned with him. I know my mind can only think about him so much throughout the day because it’s so painful. 

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Bridget; I am so very sorry for your loss - it just isn't fair to lose your fiancé and the future you had planned together. No, you won't have the future the two of you had planned together, which breaks my heart. But you WILL have a different future. You are too new in the grief process to even begin thinking about that. You are right that in early grief, our mind only allows us to think about the partner we lost so much, otherwise we literally can't take it. Oh, there is still plenty of physical pain and emotional anguish, but sometimes we just need to do something that distracts us for awhile. When you feel ready, we would like to know a little about your beloved fiancé. Sending hugs.  

[arizonaKT]

Bridget, 

I feel like I can relate to everything you are feeling. I too lost my fiancé. May 2nd, 2021. It was our 7 year anniversary from when we took our first date back in high school. We were getting married next spring. I feel like my future has been stolen from me too soon, just like he was. We had all these plans. We had just been looking at buying a home the previous day. We were planning our wedding. We were looking forward to starting our family. I wanted so badly to see him become a Dad because I knew he would be amazing at it. I worry too about how I will ever find anyone else and have any of the things we were supposed to have together. 

[Js1229]

Bridget,

 

I am in the exact same spot as you. Today is one month since my fiancé was taken from me and I too was supposed to get married in august. I am struggling every day. Today is my first day on this site and while each of us is dealing with hardship, it is comforting to know there are others out there like me.

There are times where I am paralyzed every day and time just can’t move quick enough. I cry every day staring at my phone and looking at pictures and playing voice mail. I loved her so much and we had everything in front of us. Plus we were two divorcée’s getting ready to start a blended family and now it is all gone. We just moved into a house together and now her kids are with their father. We literally had it all. It is a nightmare every day and I can’t see the light. I try to grasp at things like wind to know she is there.

I need to keep reading these to hear how things get better, that people find happiness and partners again. All I have to hold onto is hope. I have to be strong for my kids, for her kids, for my sanity. 
 

I hope as I continue to be on this site I can find some peace and people that can help me to relate with what life is to become because I struggle to see it and it scares me every day that this will be me for forever.

please keep expressing your grief and I will do the same.

[Gail 8588]

Js1229,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so tragic when you lose that one person that completes you.  It is so unfair that your time together was ended so soon. 

Come here to vent, rant, or just read.  We get how hard this is, because our lives have been shattered too.  You are not alone. Strangely, there is some comfort in that.  At least you can see that the feelings you have are 'normal', that you are not going crazy. 

We will offer what support we can as we make our way together on this grief journey. 

Gail

 

[BridgetMcSki]

I feel selfish to ask, “what will happen to me”. I want to feel him and know he’s still with me. I feel that at 34 he took away all the dreams he told me we would have for the future. When I went to the hospital after the event, I turned to my father and said “I’ll never be a mother”. I’m angry that he robbed me of a future. 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Js1229 said:

Bridget,

 

I am in the exact same spot as you. Today is one month since my fiancé was taken from me and I too was supposed to get married in august. I am struggling every day. Today is my first day on this site and while each of us is dealing with hardship, it is comforting to know there are others out there like me.

There are times where I am paralyzed every day and time just can’t move quick enough. I cry every day staring at my phone and looking at pictures and playing voice mail. I loved her so much and we had everything in front of us. Plus we were two divorcée’s getting ready to start a blended family and now it is all gone. We just moved into a house together and now her kids are with their father. We literally had it all. It is a nightmare every day and I can’t see the light. I try to grasp at things like wind to know she is there.

I need to keep reading these to hear how things get better, that people find happiness and partners again. All I have to hold onto is hope. I have to be strong for my kids, for her kids, for my sanity. 
 

I hope as I continue to be on this site I can find some peace and people that can help me to relate with what life is to become because I struggle to see it and it scares me every day that this will be me for forever.

please keep expressing your grief and I will do the same.

I am so sorry.  I had a 23 year unhappy marriage and when George and I met we knew our soulmate and were so happy together, at last!  We only got to be married 3 years 8 months when he died, I never expected this, we were supposed to grow old together, instead now it's me growing old alone...it's been nearly 16 years now.  Not one day has gone by but what I've thought of and missed him.  He forever impacted my heart and life.  And now you're going through it seems unfair because it is.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

1 hour ago, BridgetMcSki said:

I’m angry that he robbed me of a future. 

Our feelings, all of them, are valid in grief.  They don't even have to make sense, they just are.  And we have good reason for them.

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Dear Bridget,

non of us should meet like this way, non of us should deserve this level of pain, nothing should happen like that, but life is sucks, i can’t figure out why it happened to me, because we loved each other too much, I wish we could meet together, holding you hands , and give your hug, because I need too. I don’t have any solutions to comfort you, don’t be mad at me, I don’t know how get thought this either. The only thing I want you know that I care about you. You have to eat and sleep. 
amy and John 

[BridgetMcSki]

Yesterday was my first day at bereavement support group. It was strange to say that, "hey I'm 34 and I was 86 days from getting married and starting my life". While other participants were married for over 20 years and were in their 50s. I wish I knew many things as if my mind believes it will bring me comfort. Yesterday, I was so angry at him, I have never felt that type of feeling before. And then I woke up today calmer than the day before but confused. And I guess because I'm confused I become angry. Tomorrow is June 10th and that will mark the 1 month moment. I can't believe I"m saying 1 MONTH! 

[Gail 8588]

Bridget, 

One day at a time, that's how you get through it.  I hope you get support with the bereavement support group. 

Hugs

Gail

[Diane R. E.]

I just passed the 8 month mark of Doug's passing - I even wrote in my journal that I can't believe it's been 8 months already! I didn't know how I would survive a week, let alone 8 months. But taking one day at a time, and with the support of this forum. I'm slowly inching forward. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, BridgetMcSki said:

Yesterday was my first day at bereavement support group. It was strange to say that, "hey I'm 34 and I was 86 days from getting married and starting my life". While other participants were married for over 20 years and were in their 50s.

Loss is loss, and grief is grief, no matter how long we were together, no matter our age.  I've learned not to compare as to each of us, our loss is the greatest.

It's okay to feel anger.  Counseling can be of help to you through this very hard time.

14 hours ago, Diane R. E. said:

I didn't know how I would survive a week, let alone 8 months. But taking one day at a time, and with the support of this forum. I'm slowly inching forward.

This is all of our testimony!  With me it's 16 years but I can say the same.

[April Ballou]

@BridgetMcSki hello. I know it is hard saying goodbye to someone you love so much.  I too had to do that.  We were married 38 years and when my husband, Darrell died a piece of me died.  It's been 9 months now and I still miss him, probably always will.  I find that prayer works wonders.  I have had to learn how to be single,  still learning.  It is a daily function.  Give yourself time.  Dont blame yourself, been there done that.  Dont blame him, unfortunately life happens.   And there is nothing that we can do to change the things that have happened.  This forum has helped me.  Just knowing that you are not alone.  Just put it all here.  Nobody will judge you.  We all have lost someone.  I know about making plans we were talking about our 40th anniversary,  we wanted to take a cruise,  so much for that.  Now all I have are memories.   Our lives will never be the same but we can make it one day at a time.

[BridgetMcSki]

Thank you @April Ballou I have gone through the spectrum of blaming myself and him. I told my therapist a list of all the things I could of done to change the event and it helps to get the outside perspective that this was an accident. Am I able to accept that it is an accident at this moment in time; no I’m not. But my mind is separate from my heart and acknowledges it. I am even terrified of new people coming to speak to me (it could be anyone) because I can actually feel my heart close with hard that it has almost become stone. 

[April Ballou]

I know about the blame game.  Or what I could have done different.  But that doesn't bring them back.  All that does is gives you sleepless nights.  I get some of those anyways.  I can't change the past.  I know that God chose Darrell to go to heaven. Just wished I could have went with him or instead or him.  But again that's wasn't God's plan. I'm learning as I go but I know that God is with me.  Glad I could say some things to encourage you.  @BridgetMcSkiglad you have someone that you can talk to.  A therapist would be nice but they cost and I can't afford that.  God doesn't charge.  I go to Him daily.

[Sparky1]

57 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

I know about the blame game.  Or what I could have done different.  But that doesn't bring them back.  All that does is gives you sleepless nights.  I get some of those anyways.  I can't change the past.  I know that God chose Darrell to go to heaven. Just wished I could have went with him or instead or him.  But again that's wasn't God's plan. I'm learning as I go but I know that God is with me.  Glad I could say some things to encourage you.  @BridgetMcSkiglad you have someone that you can talk to.  A therapist would be nice but they cost and I can't afford that.  God doesn't charge.  I go to Him daily.

April, I guess we think a lot alike. Sometimes my mind plays like a broken record of what I could have done different, it if I could have done more, but it doesn't get me anywhere. I ask God why he didn't make me go with my wife or for me to go instead. Even for Him to take me soon, as this emptiness and loneliness is very difficult to handle. All I can do is ask Him to help me, watch over me, and protect me. Who else is going to do this for me?

[SoVerySad]

Bridget, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my long-time companion in a car accident just two weeks ago and I found this site yesterday while looking for additional answers and support. I feel like my life just has a giant hole in it. He was my rock during the pandemic and now I can’t feel any joy that we are nearing the end, because he is not here.

I don’t feel that you could have done anything differently to change what happened to your fiancé, I know there is nothing I could have done, I hope you find support here and in your group. 

[April Ballou]

The one thing that I have found is this forum,  we all have lost a loved one and we all are dealing with the same thing.  The thing about it is where there is life, there is also death.  There is nothing that we can say or do to change what has happened.  Our lives have been turned upside down.  And we have to find a way to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start a different life.  It's a struggle but we can do it.  I pray for each and everyone in this forum that we all make it.  

[KayC]

11 hours ago, SoVerySad said:

Bridget, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my long-time companion in a car accident just two weeks ago and I found this site yesterday while looking for additional answers and support. I feel like my life just has a giant hole in it. He was my rock during the pandemic and now I can’t feel any joy that we are nearing the end, because he is not here.

I don’t feel that you could have done anything differently to change what happened to your fiancé, I know there is nothing I could have done, I hope you find support here and in your group. 

I am so sorry!  Two weeks in I was still in shock.  It's been 16 years come Saturday...today is his birthday.

This is the hardest thing I've been through in my life, and I've been through a lot so that says a lot.  I didn't know how to do a week without him, but I've learned to take one day at a time, I do this still.

I'm glad you found this place, it was a forum like this that literally saved me as all of our friends disappeared overnight!  The grief counselor I went to was anything but.  I was fortunate there was a grief counselor at the other site I went to and we've become friends over the years, I have learned immensely from her!  Sometimes HOV provides help, but I live in the country so nothing was available here.  I did start a grief support group in my community after years of learning and gathering information, reading countless posts from grievers and learning from all collectively.  I've learned there is no right/wrong way to grieve, only our way.  Only word of caution I give people is to not stuff their grief for long or try to lose it in drink, however tempting, as it does not go away.  (It can actually manifest itself in us physically.)  I hope you will continue to come here and read/post, we welcome you with open arms and value your input.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[BridgetMcSki]

Thank you all for your enlightening comments. As a human, I think we can change the course of anything. Like when we were taught as kids, if we study we will do well and change the course of not failing. My therapist said something amazing the last session, “control is an illusion”. 

[SoVerySad]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry!  Two weeks in I was still in shock.  It's been 16 years come Saturday...today is his birthday.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

Kay, thank you for the hugs, thoughts and prayers, and also the list of tips.  I will read them closely. I am definitely taking it one day at a time.  I hope you manage today ok and have good memories on your husband's birthday.  

Thanks again. 

[KayC]

It was a hard day because I'm in charge of my disabled sister and trying to take care of her needs, she's been in the hospital, just transferred to care center & I'm trying to make arrangements for her, did an intake interview for her (she has dementia and six broken ribs, falls a lot).  I didn't have time to think yesterday.  Maybe that was a blessing in disguise.  It didn't feel like it though!

The pain of early grief settles into something we can more easily manage years down the road, this is a journey of evolution.  

Welcome here, I hope you'll continue to come here.

[April Ballou]

@KayC my thoughts and prayers go with you.  I will be facing that next month.  I dont want to go through it alone, but since my children have families of their own then I guess I will have to go through it alone.  Maybe I can call my friend,  she helps me alot.  That's another month away.  It's bad enough thinking about Fathers day.  The father of my children is gone so to me Father's Day should be cancelled.  It's the holidays that's the hardest but with Gods help I'm gonna make it.  

[KayC]

Thank you.  I've been spending ALL of my time the last two weeks on Peggy, it has been very very difficult, to my neglect of myself & Kodie (puppy).  Now my other sister, who has done nothing thus far, wants to come do a "deep cleaning" of Peggy's house on my daughter's birthday!  I am upset as I want to spend the day with my daughter, her husband has put her through hell for 4+ years and divorcing her and I feel she needs love/quality time.  That and I have hands severely damaged with continual pain and loss of strength, and can't even deep clean my own house!  Am I wrong for feeling as I do?  I'm the only one with a key to Peggy's house.  She seems to think this is necessary before Peggy can come home, yet Peggy has created this situation through a lifetime of neglecting things and I don't see how her neglect creates a total emergency on our part, how does that affect her ability to live there when that's all she's ever known?  Peggy could well afford to hire someone to clean if it were important to her.  She may feel overwhelmed/depressed (I get that, so do I) but could it not wait a week?  I am the only one with a key to her place and feel Julie should get permission from Peggy to do this beforehand.

Today I have to drive over 100 miles to bring her clothing (which I had to bring home to wash as she refuses to get her electrical worked on so can't use her dryer...her answer was to ignore it and not wash anything for the last month!) and mail.  It's the hardest thing in the world to be in charge of someone who refuses to take any responsibility for herself.  It was so much easier raising my kids, I got a say in things!

18 hours ago, April Ballou said:

It's the holidays that's the hardest but with Gods help I'm gonna make it.

Yes, it is...and you will, somehow.

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

I am so sorry you have all of these pressures on you. 

Here is my 2 cents on the things you mentioned. 

 

First, yes your sister should get Peggy's permission before she goes in to do a deep clean at Peggy's house.  If your sister won't bring it up with Peggy, you should, since you are the one who will be giving her access to Peggy's house. 

Second, if Peggy is okay with it, it is still totally reasonable for you to say you are not available to help on that particular day.  You have plans. They are important plans. Your plans can't be switched to another day because that day is significant. (Time with your daughter, on her birthday, after the extremely terrible year she has been through, is more important than cleaning Peggy's house, IMO.)

If Peggy is okay with your other sister doing this, you can give her the key and let her do the deep cleaning on your daughter's birthday, but you won't be joining her. 

If your sister moves the cleaning day to another date, when you can be there with her,  you need to only do what you can do without making your own condition worse.   You shouldn't do so much work cleaning Peggy's house that it leaves you in more pain than you are already enduring. 

You need to let your sister know you won't be able to be that much help on the heavy work, (no lifting or moving furniture, no this or that - that you know you can't do.), but you will be happy to keep her company and to do what you can of the lighter cleaning.  (But not on your daughter's birthday.)

I suspect that Peggy is going to say no. She doesn't want your other sister to be in her house when she is not there. Just a guess.  But that would be the end of it for me. I wouldn't do it over Peggy's objection. 

Finally, you need to stand up for yourself. It is not wrong for you to make plans to be with your daughter, or other plans. You are so kind and giving, but this is your one and only life too.  You get to choose how you spend it.  I know you will always try to accommodate others, as that is your nature, but when you have a conflict with their schedule, you don't have to always give up on your plans.  Your plans are important too. 

I know it is easy to say this stuff, but family dynamics and personalities are more complex. 

Good luck working this all out. 

Gail

 

 

[April Ballou]

@KayC I agree with Gail 8588.  Find out what Peggy wants first, second you spend your daughters birthday with your daughter no matter what.  Some things are more important than others.  I used to know people like that, want to deep clean a house then brag about what they did.  That's wrong.  Your daughter is more important than anything else.

[Sparky1]

Kay, you have a good heart and do more than enough for everyone. But, I think that you have to spend the time with your daughter, she's going through a lot right now and needs your support.

[BridgetMcSki]

Wow, I cant believe people like that but I can believe it. There are people who will move a fork and then spend the next hour talking about how they did it. Spend time with your daughter and enjoy her presence. 

[April Ballou]

Well today mark's 15 months since my husband,  best friend,  my lover, my everything  died.  Left me here all by myself.   I'm so confused.   I have been wondering what am I supposed to call his family members when I see them? I mean for 38 years they were my inlaws and  nieces and nephews.   But since Darrell is not here  are they still my relatives?  My life is so empty.   I'm lost and confused.   I put my information on the internet to find someone but no luck.  Maybe I'm crazy or maybe I just don't want to be by myself.   I pray daily,  I go to church  every Sunday and Wednesday.   I know that God is with me.  I remember some of the conversations that Darrell and I had.  He always told me that if something was to happen to him for me to move on.  But where do I go, how do I find someone? I am so mixed up.  I can't talk to anyone about it.   Nobody understands what I'm going through.   It wasn't their husband that died.  He was my first and only love.  I went from living with my mother to living with Darrell.   Now I'm all alone.   I don't know what to do.   God please help me!!!!!

[tnd]

6 hours ago, April Ballou said:

 I have been wondering what am I supposed to call his family members when I see them? I mean for 38 years they were my inlaws and  nieces and nephews. 

April Ballou:  I am very sorry for your pain and the confusion you are suffering through. Only you know if you are ready to move on and meet someone. I can understand the lonely part. No one wants to be lonely. Maybe you will find a way to meet new friends and from there, maybe a companion. Somebody to do things with and to talk to. Sometimes these things happen when we aren't trying. Maybe you could confide in someone at your church and they will know of someone wanting to meet somebody, either for a friend or for more. Or maybe they will know of upcoming social events or casual gatherings where there will be people. If you have a dog, maybe visit a dog park. People who like to spoil their dogs are good people. You never know. You might end up meeting a nice dog lover. If that sounds too lame, I apologize. I'm just speaking as if it were myself. I'm not a big fan of the internet so I'd be careful about meeting anyone from there. 

As for what you think you should call your in-laws and nieces and nephews that you shared with your husband, if it were me, I'd continue calling them what I've always called them. Unless they've indicated that they don't think of you as family anymore (which would be rude of them), I'm sure they expect you to still call them what you always have. Even if you find someone new later on. Well, that's just me and how I would handle it. Try it out, see what feels comfortable. 

[Roxeanne]

On 6/14/2021 at 3:03 AM, Sparky1 said:

Who else is going to do this for me?

It's so true....no one! I had my booster yesterday...last night i didn't feel well and i cried....miss him so much! When you are sick life is so miserable without your loved one..

[Gail 8588]

19 hours ago, April Ballou said:

. . .   I went from living with my mother to living with Darrell.   Now I'm all alone.   I don't know what to do.   

April,

Same for me, I was in college when I met John and we married before graduation.  So I never really lived as a self-supporting independent person before we became a team.  38 years of marriage followed.  When he died, I really didn't know how to live without him. It took me a long time, but now, approaching 5 years later, I feel pretty good about my ability to live independently.  I can do this. (Life was easier when there was 2 of us sharing the load, but it no longer feels impossible.)

As to my in-laws, I call them what I have always called them. I write to my nieces and nephews and sign Aunt Gail, as I always did.  I think you should assume you are still family until someone tells you otherwise (and I don't believe that will ever happen.)  

Good luck with your efforts to meet someone.  My suggestion is to look for opportunities to do things you like to do, take a cooking class or wood working class, join a bird watching group or a day hiking group, whatever you have an interest in.  If you meet someone there, you already have an interest in common and something to talk about. If you don't meet anyone, you at least were actively engaged in something you enjoy. 

Good luck.

Gail

[KayC]

20 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I have been wondering what am I supposed to call his family members when I see them?

If they were family to you then, I would still consider them that, but if like my husband's "family" they never were, then no.  I consider my stepdaughter a distant relative, we've never met in person as she lives across the US but I like and care about her.  I don't think it matters so much what you call people, it's how you feel that matters.

Finding someone is a whole other subject, I'm not looking but wouldn't rule it out either, I just consider it unlikely at my age...no one is George, no one looks at me that way, no one cares about me that way.  There's a whole list of things that would have to check off in order to even consider...beliefs, values, family, lifestyle, how they eat (I don't want anyone sabotaging all my hard work with my health), they'd have to love dogs, have a great sense of humor...and then their politics...ugh.  Nope, I'll likely end alone as I've lived the last 16 1/2 years.  That and considering I'm not interested in on line dating...

It's important to do one's grief work and know who they are (alone) before entering a relationship...jmo from what I've learned from my experiences, the hard way, but I've learned it well.

4 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

It's so true....no one! I had my booster yesterday...last night i didn't feel well and i cried....miss him so much! When you are sick life is so miserable without your loved one..

I'm so sorry, I know, those hard times really bring it home to us...I hope you get to feeling better...soon!