miscarriage during pandemic plus loss of mother

[AliceOliver2017]

i had a 2nd miscarriage in december, and then a month later my mom died. She had a sudden decline in some ways (GI tear) but her decline in assisted living felt traumatic, i counseled her daily trying to help her thru the isolation. 

I'm 41 and have always wanted a 2nd child. My husband has a condition that makes it difficult so it felt miraculous to be pregnant again with his condition plus our ages. I lost the baby so early but I told my mom because i was desperate to give her something to hold on for. 

i'm feeling pretty empty inside. fortunately i have a 3 year old to keep me moving and putting on a happy face. 

i just can't believe I lost my pregnancy and my mom. my mom was my touchstone and I felt the baby was there to help me cope. a miracle to name after her. but i lost both. and i'm at the end of my fertile years so now i'm mourning this huge loss of my mom and the dream of more children, the end of my fertility journey. 

has anyone else mourned the end of their fertility after miscarriage? For those of us that can't just get pregnant again, it feels so final. I'm traumatized with so much grief at once. The year was awful, my mom wanting to die to get out of isolation, and now moving on without her feels so selfish. i just miss  her so much. and giving up the hope of another baby is so final. there was always that little spark of hope even though i knew it wasn't likely anymore. i'm so grateful for my son, he's my world, just curious if anyone can relate to this feeling of loss.

[Zoe1199]

Hi Alice,

While it’s not exactly the same for me I am dealing with some similarities. We lost my grandmother early this year sort of unexpectedly and then two months later we lost our first pregnancy after struggling with infertility. The pain is almost unbearable. I can completely relate to feeling traumatized and empty. I can’t even consider trying again because of how much I struggled with the miscarriage. And even in that I can’t help feeling like I was robbed of what our life should have looked like. It is such an isolating experience and it has taken me months to even talk to people about how much I am still grieving. 
 

I hope that in some way, at some time, you are able to find some peace and I hope the same for myself.  Thank you for sharing your story. 
 

Zoe