Do you feel as if your loss is not real?

[Elizabeth711]

My Mom died on April 23, 2021 and it still seems like it can not be real. I feel  just like she went on vacation and she will just walk in someday though I know that is not true. I was with her when she died and I have have her ashes with me but it is like I forget she has died at time and then it rushes back to me that she is gone. Am I just crazy or is this common?

[Tara17]

My father passed on April 16th. I still keep thinking that this will all change . I read a lot about  grief and I think what might help here is the continuing bonds theory. The relationship we have with our loved one continues .  My heart is heavy, I can’t sleep, I am filled with regrets and wish he could be here with us. 
 

you are not crazy. It seems like many mixed emotions are part of the grieving process 

[Emmanuel_Oz]

I totally understand that feeling. My father passed away on January 31st, 2021. His death remains the most shocking experience I’ve ever had in my entire life. Nothing could’ve prepared me for the sudden reality that he is no more, and until today it doesn't feel real. Maybe this is because he's not yet buried.No medical, spiritual, psychosocial or philosophical explanation can rationalize the death of someone you love. The mind suddenly goes on an impossible mission trying to figure what went wrong, how it could’ve been avoided, what you didn’t do right, what you did right but not enough. Someone says at one point it will suddenly hit me that time goes only in one direction. There is no do-over. It’s simply over. And that’s where the grieving will begin.
Please see the following link where I detailed the grieving process my family is going through: https://youtu.be/Px3MSYczRkA

[DaedalanEcho]

Elizabeth,

I think it's pretty common.  I lost my mom on 4/24 and today, I had a moment of down time and my mind immediately thought of giving her a call to catch up.  There was a moment of joy at the initial thought, before reality came crashing in.

You're not crazy at all.  Take care of yourself and best wishes -

-Vance

[Elizabeth711]

Had a hard day today. I decided to try to pick up stuff a bit. Mom had a bedroom off our living room but as she had more health issues she prefered to sleep on our sofa and the living room became her room. So I had set up a large folding table for her by the sofa and got some of those plastic drawer sets to hold things she wanted to keep near. I thought I would try to go through that stuff and clean. I was going through her meds and notepads and other little things. I Just broke down and was so upset. A part thinks if I keep everything the way it was when she was alive that somehow she will return even though I know that will not happen. I know things will change but it is so hard. Also I was calling and closing credit card accounts and I need to fax her death certificate to one company. I had not looked at the certificate and just reading it was so upsetting. 

[LostDaughter2021]

Yes, I’m still in shock that my mom died. She passed on Jan. 18th. We were very close and talked multiple times a day every day. I want to call her to tell her about my job promotion or my ridiculous decision to get Invisalign but then I realize that she’s not here. I can’t chitchat with her anymore. Some days I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I can’t sleep some nights wondering what I could have done differently.

[Elizabeth711]

I keep going over everything I did and did not do and keep thinking what I could have done different so she would not have died. I also regret I did not record her telling her stories so I would have her voice recorded. Also I find I can not remember all of the stories from her childhood and I wish I had recorded or written them down.

[LostDaughter2021]

@Elizabeth711 The stories will come to you. I’m remembering things my mom told me years ago out of no where. I kept her last voicemail and she did a voice recording for my son’s bedtime story years ago. But I regret not having professional family photos done with her and my kids. I’ve never been a big photo person, so while she was always around, I have no pictures of her on her recent birthdays or with my kids. I remember lunch dates and park fun with her and my kids but I didn’t take pictures because we did these things all of the time. I’m so angry with myself for not capturing those moments. I’ll remember them but I’m worried my kids won’t.

[AliceOliver2017]

It doesn't feel real still, I think to call her all the time. things don't seem right without me telling her. she used to tell me what a good mom i am, and how lucky my son is. NO ONE in my life will tell me like that. she made me feel important. she'd send me cards when I went on vacation and another card to greet me upon my return. who else would care that much!? She was old and not in great health but there was still some of the healthy her there. A life without her has not happened for me before and it feels so unreal and impossible

[LostDaughter2021]

Yes, I can relate. My mom used to tell me I was the best mom to my kids. No one will ever love me like my mom or care about the minute details of my day. She was my emotional safety net.

 I guess it hurts so bad because we had wonderful, irreplaceable moms. I thought...would I rather have a lukewarm relationship with my mom so it wouldn’t hurt so bad in the end or have a ridiculously close relationship with excruciating pain from losing her? I choose the latter but now I have to face the pain.

[AliceOliver2017]

I tell myself all the time that grief is the result of great love. to have had that great love of a mother, that special every day bond was so wonderful, so special. I would do it all the same again if i could. 

[CristinaGrym]

My dad died on March  and I totally feel some days exactly the same. He is away working, he will open the front door of the house,he will text me on wahtsapp (The fact I won't  receive any of his texts kills me). Sometimes when I'm watching videos on YouTube to distract myself I feel like nothing of this tragedy has happened.

On 5/18/2021 at 1:07 PM, Elizabeth711 said:

I keep going over everything I did and did not do and keep thinking what I could have done different so she would not have died. I also regret I did not record her telling her stories so I would have her voice recorded. Also I find I can not remember all of the stories from her childhood and I wish I had recorded or written them down.

Don't  feel bad, instead try to write them down. Talk to her and maybe she will communicate to you on your dreams. Sending hugs.

[CristinaGrym]

On 5/18/2021 at 12:53 PM, LostDaughter2021 said:

Yes, I’m still in shock that my mom died. She passed on Jan. 18th. We were very close and talked multiple times a day every day. I want to call her to tell her about my job promotion or my ridiculous decision to get Invisalign but then I realize that she’s not here. I can’t chitchat with her anymore. Some days I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I can’t sleep some nights wondering what I could have done differently.

Thinking about what you could've done differently  will  only hurt you,please stop that.

[DanLight]

It's absolutely normal. I feel the same way, my mom passed away april 12th suddenly and unexpectedly. We had so many things we were about to do and had plans to accomplish, it's so hard to come to terms with it, it feels so unfair as she was only 58 years young and I'm only 28 and left pretty much alone with it. Life will never be the same now. I'm trying my best to cope with it and wish you the same. We can be sure that our moms wanted the best things possible for us, so we gotta try and do all we can to become stronger and better persons. I hope we can.

[ModKatB]

You are not crazy and it is a very normal thing to want to talk to your parent. My mom passed away in 2011 and for the longest time I would pick up the phone to call her when something happened. I can say that in time the memories won't hurt as much and eventually those memories will be good thing to remember and they are the stories you can pass down to your children. I did find that writing helped me cope with losing my mother and in later years when I lost my husband. 

This is something I wrote about parents.

 

Remember my child as you look in the mirror each day.

I am right there looking back at you, because I am

a part of you and the person you have become.

While the physical me is not there for you to see,

my spirit is there and I watch over you each and 

every day.

Try and remember all of the good times even though

you miss me.

Take your time with this life and when the time comes

I will be waiting at the gates to welcome you home.  KB

[Dogmommy]

I have experienced the same thing.  I lost my mom to cancer last September and my dad died unexpectedly a few months later. Hugs to you.  I know how hard this is.

 

[Kazuko]

On 5/17/2021 at 3:44 AM, Elizabeth711 said:

My Mom died on April 23, 2021 and it still seems like it can not be real. I feel  just like she went on vacation and she will just walk in someday though I know that is not true. I was with her when she died and I have have her ashes with me but it is like I forget she has died at time and then it rushes back to me that she is gone. Am I just crazy or is this common?

My mom died on April 10, 2021. I feel like it’s not real. My mom was diagnosed with cancer April 2019 she came to live with me in my home and I took care of her for almost 2 years. I was your caretaker around the clock make sure she had her meals took her to a doctor appointments handles her medication research to get her the best treatment. My mom counted on me for everything she believed in me and that I could help her find the right treatment and I did succeed she was on her keyTruda for one year and was doing great. She even had a CT scan done in December 2020 and the tumors were not growing everything was stable. 
 

then January 2021 everything changed her lab results showed that her liver enzymes and her Billrubin was not normal so she was unable to get her keyTruda. However the nurses reassured me that it was not serious and that we just needed needed to wait till things became stable so that she could get her treatment.  
 

then a terrible day happened when she fell down off a small bench in my room on February 3, 2021 and broke her hip. I have so much regret that for that day if only I would’ve done things differently she would not have fallen. she went into the hospital and things just kept going downhill it was not her cancer that was causing that it turned out that she had hepatitis C and we never knew she had it. my mom was 86 so she was not eligible to get a liver transplant and I was told she was not a candidate for hepatitis C medication because of her cancer.

my poor mom survive the first year with radiation chemo and then the second year she went on key Truda even during Covid she had a good year I made it be the best that I could taking her out to safe places and spending as much time with her as I could. she was in and out of the hospital and in the nursing homes from February 3 until April 5. on Easter Sunday when I saw the way she looked I knew it was time for her to come home. she could barely even talk and she looked so weak but she was able to tell me I love you in a whisper and I will never forget that day those are the last words she ever spoke. The following day on Monday I told the doctor I want her home and we got her home the following day on Tuesday. 

Tuesday I arrange for a medical van to pick up my mom and they brought her home my mom was able to see everyone but she was unable to talk. The following morning my grandchildren came in to see her and she smiled at them for the last time when they left the room she closed her eyes and never open them again she was I believe in an unconscious stage she was able to hear us and moan but she no longer could talk or open her eyes.

my mom was on hospice for five days I took care of her all by myself changed her diaper gave her the morphine to help her get through the journey with no pain and as much peace as possible. I slept on the floor on a mattress next to her hospital bed waking up every three hours to give her the morphine and make sure that the oxygen tubes were in her nose. 
 

The morning and afternoon of April 10 I talk to my mom and told her everything I could possibly think of most of all I told her that she was not alone now and that she would never be alone and haven. Her breathing became less and she passed away at 5:20 PM. 
 

I am still in disbelief it hits me like crashing waves at times and I am filled with anxiety. I have so many questions about why things occur the way they did I have so much regret of wish I could’ve done things differently should I have brought her home from the nursing home two weeks before she died so I could’ve spent more time with her. however I was so afraid not knowing what was going on in shock not knowing if I could do it all alone by myself four weeks months etc. Researching ways I could get help ways I could get the money to pay for the help. 
 

I was told by the hospice nurses that things turn out the way they were meant to turn out and I used what I had and the information I had at the time to deal with it the best that I could. I was not afraid of hard work I took care of her for two years juggling my own job grandchildren and taking care of her and myself. I do know that even if I would’ve brought her home for two weeks before she died it wouldn’t have changed anything she still would’ve died and it probably would’ve put me in the hospital from exhaustion. 

I am just trying to find a way to know the truth feel it absorb it and be able to be OK with it and not feel guilt and wishing I could’ve change things I know one day I will figure it out I need to just get my mind OK well knowing that I had no control over her fate.

[Dogmommy]

16 hours ago, Kazuko said:

My mom died on April 10, 2021. I feel like it’s not real. My mom was diagnosed with cancer April 2019 she came to live with me in my home and I took care of her for almost 2 years. I was your caretaker around the clock make sure she had her meals took her to a doctor appointments handles her medication research to get her the best treatment. My mom counted on me for everything she believed in me and that I could help her find the right treatment and I did succeed she was on her keyTruda for one year and was doing great. She even had a CT scan done in December 2020 and the tumors were not growing everything was stable. 
 

then January 2021 everything changed her lab results showed that her liver enzymes and her Billrubin was not normal so she was unable to get her keyTruda. However the nurses reassured me that it was not serious and that we just needed needed to wait till things became stable so that she could get her treatment.  
 

then a terrible day happened when she fell down off a small bench in my room on February 3, 2021 and broke her hip. I have so much regret that for that day if only I would’ve done things differently she would not have fallen. she went into the hospital and things just kept going downhill it was not her cancer that was causing that it turned out that she had hepatitis C and we never knew she had it. my mom was 86 so she was not eligible to get a liver transplant and I was told she was not a candidate for hepatitis C medication because of her cancer.

my poor mom survive the first year with radiation chemo and then the second year she went on key Truda even during Covid she had a good year I made it be the best that I could taking her out to safe places and spending as much time with her as I could. she was in and out of the hospital and in the nursing homes from February 3 until April 5. on Easter Sunday when I saw the way she looked I knew it was time for her to come home. she could barely even talk and she looked so weak but she was able to tell me I love you in a whisper and I will never forget that day those are the last words she ever spoke. The following day on Monday I told the doctor I want her home and we got her home the following day on Tuesday. 

Tuesday I arrange for a medical van to pick up my mom and they brought her home my mom was able to see everyone but she was unable to talk. The following morning my grandchildren came in to see her and she smiled at them for the last time when they left the room she closed her eyes and never open them again she was I believe in an unconscious stage she was able to hear us and moan but she no longer could talk or open her eyes.

my mom was on hospice for five days I took care of her all by myself changed her diaper gave her the morphine to help her get through the journey with no pain and as much peace as possible. I slept on the floor on a mattress next to her hospital bed waking up every three hours to give her the morphine and make sure that the oxygen tubes were in her nose. 
 

The morning and afternoon of April 10 I talk to my mom and told her everything I could possibly think of most of all I told her that she was not alone now and that she would never be alone and haven. Her breathing became less and she passed away at 5:20 PM. 
 

I am still in disbelief it hits me like crashing waves at times and I am filled with anxiety. I have so many questions about why things occur the way they did I have so much regret of wish I could’ve done things differently should I have brought her home from the nursing home two weeks before she died so I could’ve spent more time with her. however I was so afraid not knowing what was going on in shock not knowing if I could do it all alone by myself four weeks months etc. Researching ways I could get help ways I could get the money to pay for the help. 
 

I was told by the hospice nurses that things turn out the way they were meant to turn out and I used what I had and the information I had at the time to deal with it the best that I could. I was not afraid of hard work I took care of her for two years juggling my own job grandchildren and taking care of her and myself. I do know that even if I would’ve brought her home for two weeks before she died it wouldn’t have changed anything she still would’ve died and it probably would’ve put me in the hospital from exhaustion. 

I am just trying to find a way to know the truth feel it absorb it and be able to be OK with it and not feel guilt and wishing I could’ve change things I know one day I will figure it out I need to just get my mind OK well knowing that I had no control over her fate.

I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through.  I was not my parents’ caretaker, but I watched both of them die very painful deaths within the past nine months - just six months apart.  I also understand the feelings of wondering if I could have done something differently.  Like insisting that they go to the doctor before it was too late.   

It has eased a bit because I believe their deaths were part oh God’s plan, However, I am still struggling with grief overall.  I hope you’re able to get the closure you deserve.  As her caretaker, you are an angel, and she knew how much you loved her.
 

 

[Lenka]

Yes. I keep saying “this can’t be real”. The first several weeks felt like I was living in some alternate reality. I was numb. I felt something was wrong with me. I couldn’t understand why I was “ok”. The past couple of weeks it’s started to hit me here and there. The other day I was in a good mood, listening to music and having a nice afternoon with my kids. I opened the pantry and saw something that reminded me of my mom, brought back a terrible memory and it was like I had been suddenly hit with a baseball bat. From one second to the next, fine and then sobbing on the ground. That’s been happening more and more lately. I think our minds are very kind, that it only lets in a little at a time so we can still function and not break. Sometimes I want to talk to my mom and then I remember she’s gone: it’s like throwing a ball expecting someone to catch it but instead it bounces off the wall and smashes you in the face. Habit.  I’m so sorry for your loss. I believe what they say that it will get easier in time. Just have to get used to living differently than you did before. 

[HeatherMillie]

Hi all.

I've come across this forum after seeking out others who've lost a parent. I am so sorry for your losses. I am also sorry that you've had to deal with loss and grief whilst dealing with covid. I personally have found covid to have had and continues to have such an impact on my grieving process.

I lost my otherwise perfectly healthy 66 yr old dad after a very short battle with cancer in November.

It's been 6 months since he passed away, and I've found recently It's been even harder to cope with carrying the emotional pain of it all. It's constant... i find that on 'good' days i some how manage to carry it and wear the 'I'm fine' mask pretty well, others I feel like im beyond broken and hopeless. It's so exhausting trying to be 'normal' and fulfil my responsibilities.. does anyone else find that?

I too find that there's a part of me that is in denial that he's actually gone. I was with him as he passed away, and spent time with him afterwards. So logically i know what's happened.. but my head and heart struggle to accept it, and when i look back to his passing, it feels like someone else's story. I miss him incredibly.

Grief is so complicated and personal to each person's experience. Thinking of you all.

[Lenka]

On 5/25/2021 at 11:16 PM, Kazuko said:

My mom was diagnosed with cancer April 2019 she came to live with me in my home and I took care of her for almost 2 years. I was your caretaker around the clock make sure she had her meals took her to a doctor appointments handles her medication research to get her the best treatment. My mom counted on me for everything she believed in me and that I could help her find the right treatment and I did succeed she was on her keyTruda for one year and was doing great.

I’m sorry for your loss and for the difficult times you experienced. It seems you and I experienced a very similar situation. Yes. It feels like I’m living in some alternate reality. 

My was was diagnosed with lung cancer in July 2021. A PET scan at the beginning of August revealed it was stage 4 and it had spread to her brain as well as other areas. They told her there was no treatment, it was terminal and all they could do would be to offer raditation to alleviate symptoms. She declined as the side effects were possibly severe and she was feeling ok at that time other than occasional weakness. My dad had passed away on March 11, 2019 after an extended illness. He had spent months in the hospital during which my mom was there from morning til night every single day. That and the grief my mom was experiencing is what we believe caused her to become ill. 

My sister and I researched every alternative treatment we could find. My mom decided to give RSO a try. It went alright the first couple of weeks, it just made her to tired all the time. Eventually at the higher doses it started making her feel sick and she would get very nauseous and sometimes vomit due to the dizziness. She went on a juice fast for over a week and then started eating a mainly Keto, high raw whole food diet. She came to stay with me and I prepared every meal for her as well as 6 freshly pressed juices a day. I dehydrated raw food and learned how to make all sorts of things that would fit in with the diet. She saw 2 naturopaths and started a detox and some supplements. She tried Oxygen therapy but couldn’t handle the enclosed space. Her she had to stop taking the RSO and cut back on the detox due to the side effects. This entire time my mom was plagued with continuous anxiety, fear and depression.She saw another naturopath/MD that put her on ton of supplements. Her bloodwork showed her situation was very advanced. She started coughing terribly and had difficulties eating. We bought a RIFE machine and started that. She tried learning how to mediate and watched videos on healing and tried to be positive and tell that cancer it was no longer welcome! She was unable to keep up with her diet because she was frankly tired of it and also because she started to lose the ability to eat many solid foods. Towards the end of December she would spit/cough up almost every meal and was paranoid to eat Bcs she didn’t want to be coughing for hours. Her pain up until then was mainly controlled with “light” pain medications and topical treatments, but it started to become unbearable at times. She had developed tumours in her arm and face. I had to start making her only soups and purées. We met with homecare and she started to have visits from the doctor and nurses. The doctor prescribed stronger pain meds. There was problems there and they had unfortunate side effects and didn’t work very well. She needed my help to go up and down the stairs and often to get up out of a chair or bed. Within a few weeks she couldn’t walk unassisted not get out of bed on her own. She was losing weight so rapidly, the doctor suspected it was tumours blocking her esophagus. She prescribed steroids which did help the first couple of weeks with both the ability to eat and pain, but they caused her arms and legs to weaken so much that she much of her mobility. When she had to lower the dose it was much worse off. She couldn’t eat again and she was left with terrible muscle loss (When she finally had a scope done it showed that her esophagus was 99.5% blocked and they said it was a miracle she was even able to swallow her own secretions. They put a stint in.

Initially the RIFE was helping, it was reducing the tumor in her neck, but we had to stop Bcs of her esophagus. After a treatment tumours would initially swell and get bigger for a few days before subsiding, not unlike radiation. With her already blocked esophagus there was a real fear she would lose the ability to even sip liquids. At that point she was unable to get downstairs even with assistance. I would set up a folding picnic table in my bonus room upstairs where she could eat and drink. She could no longer move without assistance, not even to turn or shift positions in bed. I was also getting up during the night to help her use the commmode and give pain medications. She had become dehyrated so we were doing Chlysis. During all of this I also had my husband and 2 children to take care of, one of which I was homeschooling. I worked from the moment I woke up until I went to bed each night. I typically only slept 3-5 hours a day. I think the anxiety kept me in a constant adrenaline loop which is why I was able to continue on that way for so long. It was nearly 8 months. My mom did spend around a total of 4-5 weeks during those months at my sisters and my sister did help with taking her to appointments and picking things up. For a period of time she would come over and give my mom mistletoe injections. 

The last weeks are traumatic to speak of. I will say my mom was in a great deal of near constant pain. She started getting very confused and often didnt understand what was going on. She would sometimes get angry with me in her confusion, like when she had to take a medication: just like my dad was the last while. It wasn’t her fault, she wasn’t able to think clearly sometimes. I was having such a difficult time. Every movement would hurt her so badly and any position change would cause horrible coughing and difficulty breathing. Just to get her up and to the commode would take an hour. To get her upright to try drink and eat a little would take 2-3 hours from start to finish. After the stint was put in she stated coughing up blood and having more difficulties breathing. The doctor said it’s possible she got an infection but at that point she couldn’t take anything by mouth except the small morphine tablet. We administered her meds through sub-q sites in her stomach. The last few days were so awful. My sister stayed the last few nights, sleeping in bed with mom. We had to make the heart wrenching decision to keep my mom fully sedated because if she woke she was unable to communicate and she was start gasping for breath and be completely panicked, terrified. She had told us that if she was suffering like that she wanted to be sedated and not know what was going on. My sister, my husband, my children and my sisters husband and children and myself were all beside mom when she passed away on March 10, 2021.

I wake up constantly during the night, am plagued with nightmares. Looking back on those last months is so extremely painful and traumatic. I sometimes can’t believe it really happened. I was completely lost for a while. I had spent everyday in a routine of sorts: my mom was the first thing on my mind when I woke, all during the day and even during the night. Then, from one day to the next it all changed. For the first few days I couldn’t walk past her door without crying. I couldn’t believe she wasn’t there anymore. It’s taken a while to adjust, even still life feels strange and foreign. I’m so angry she had to go through all of that. She didn’t deserve that, she was the best and kindnest person and deserved only the best things in life. I’m so angry that she never got to do all the things she wanted to do. I’m heartbroken that she won’t get to see my kids grow up and that they won’t get to have her in their lives anymore. She was only 69. She was my best friend. Life is so much less without her and it hurts so much. God, I wish I could talk to her so badly, I miss her so much.