Sudden loss of my father..

[Eir_sim]

March 20th was the last day I saw my dad. He was suffering from severe back pain for the last couple of weeks and it came to a point when we had to call the ambulance. I remember seeing him lying on the bed unable to move, worrying that something went really wrong with him. Turns out he was right. Later that day we learned that he had stage 4 cancer that had spread all over his body. Well, I'm 18 and I'm getting ready for my final exams so my family decided not to tell me and my sister the whole truth. We knew that he had dancer but they told us that the doctors were very hopeful that he was going to make it. However, they weren't able to keep going with that lie for much longer, because on March 23rd my dad's heart just stopped. I remember opening the front door of my house, with my backpack still on. The moment I looked at my sister's face I knew. I was in complete shock, the moment just froze. I cried and cried but it didn't become any less unbearable. I took a week to myself, I went through denial, disbelief, anger, pain. I rushed myself through it because I knew I had to get back to studying and  building a future that he would be proud of. I was never really close with my dad. We fought a lot ,we never talked. It kills me that I will never be able to fix that. I feel guilt for messing our relationship up, for getting back up, for moving on. I can't comprehend the idea of death. I can't understand that I will never see him again, I just can't. I wanna be strong, but I don't know how. Because I feel like trying to avoid all these feelings is making it worse. How do I find the balance between facing my pain and living my life? I just wish I had one last moment .I think me and my dad deserved that moment, considering he will never see me evolving to the person i am supposed to be and I'm sentenced to miss him for the majority of my life. 18 years was not enough. This is not right. (Sorry for my English, it's not my native language) 

[reader]

Dear Eir_sim,

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss. The shock, the pain and sorry is unbearable. Everything you wrote is a normal and natural reaction to such a huge loss in your life. I too felt the same as you. The questions. The feelings. The regret. Please know it's okay to have these feelings. Let me out as much as you can. And know that you are not alone. There is a lot of support and understanding out there. I found these websites in particular very helpful to me.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Thinking of you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.