I fear my heart will split in two over my favorite kitty's unexpected death

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

My soul's work for 30 years has been rescuing kitties - handicapped, terminal, and stray.
My house has always been wonderfully full, though they started crossing over the Rainbow Bridge some years ago, as they got older.
Of course, a few new souls still occasionally found their way to me, and one of those was Herbie, the Love Bug.

Herbie showed up on my back porch 10 years ago asking if this was the kitty rescue place, and I said, "yes, yes it is!"
He was head-to-toe abscesses & matted fur, and smelled so terrible, the vet clinic had to light a candle when I took him in for emergency care and neuter.

He was a silly durfwad, and became the most loving kitty in my life.

A few weeks ago, Herbie lost his voice, and I chalked it up to allergies.
But last week I could no longer deny that something was wrong, and took him to the hospital.
Though slightly sedated, thank goodness, my baby nearly stopped breathing on the trip to the vet's.

They rushed him into an oxygen tank and gave him a large steroid shot to reduce inflammation...and found an inoperable tumor on his larynx.
In the tank, he calmed down, but as soon as he came back out, he would start struggling again.

They told me that my giving him the sedation before travel was the best thing I could have done for him, but now the kindest thing to do would be to let him go.

I went into shock.
If only I had taken him in earlier.
The tumor would still have been inoperable, but he and I would have had time to prepare and say goodbye to each other, and I could have had him euthanized comfortably, peacefully, at home, with my loving husband caring for us both.

My vet even agreed to drive all 3 of us back to the house that day for home euthanasia...but as the day wore on, we all felt it would distress him even more, and the best thing for him was to let him rest with oxygen until all other patients had gone home,
and then take him to a quiet, shady place under the trees, parked by a small meadow, and put him to sleep while I held him in my arms, on his favorite blanket, in my car, with our smells.

I cannot believe he is gone.

I have been so wrapped up in my own physical/medical pain, plus working with a kitty in renal failure who has been preparing to leave me for a couple of months now, that I didn't give him as much attention and love as I could have, and lost those last precious weeks to be truly together.
He was only 11, so I wasn't thinking that I was anywhere near losing him.

In all my years, this has been the 2nd-most horrible death of an animal I loved and cared for.
If I knew I was going to see him again on the other side, I would be okay, but I am what I call a "fragile agnostic," and don't truly believe there is anything after this, though I read every life-after-death book I can get my hands on.

Now there are only 2 kitties left - one who is about to leave, and one who loves me, and whom I certainly love, but who is also very independent in her own spirit.

After his private cremation ceremony, as I pulled up the driveway with his ashes, this house, for the first time in 26 years, no longer felt like a home.
Herbie is everywhere, but nowhere.

I do not think I can go on.

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss!  I hope you got to be with him when they did the euthanasia.  This picture is beautiful, it clearly shows the love between you.

My neighbor has a cat rescue with over 20 cats at a time, also catches them, has them spayed/neutered, then releases, she does an amazing ministry among us.  My hats off to anyone who does this.

We go through all the what ifs in a way to find a different possible outcome but there is none, you were a great mama to your kitty.

 

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

 

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

Dear KayC,

Thank you so much for your kind words.
I have noticed that you are always there for people in tremendous pain, and we truly appreciate it.

With sincere gratitude,
Herbie's Mom

[KayC]

You're welcome!  Losing my husband and my precious Arlie (dog) were the two hardest deaths I've been through, and I've lost a LOT of people & animals.  I hope you can come here and read/post whenever you feel the need to. 

[AJWCat]

Hi @Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim... I am so sorry to read about Herbie's passing.   

I lost my special boy cat 3 years ago now. He got suddenly violently sick and after 2 hours at an emergency vet (who claimed he was poisoned) we put him down, but he was slowly dying anyway. 

My heart literally - I mean literally - felt like it was going to break in half. Watching him suffer. (I still don't know what happened to him.) He was basically my child for 10 years. So I totally understand where you are now. Deep in grief. It hits you hard after going through a shocking loss like you did. For 2 days after, I was a zombie, barely eating, totally stunned that my cat was gone. 

All I can do is wish you some peace as you go through this. Gain strength knowing that you had a special cat who loved you and was not wrong about who you are, a good person, and would not want you to suffer. Trust me, it will get better it just takes time and patience. I wish I could offer more, just know that we understand as few do.  

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

Dear @AJWCat,

I can't thank you enough for your kind words.You clearly do know the pain and path of losing a special one.

I can hardly believe he is gone...I see him everywhere in my mind's eye - lying in the kitty bed on my desk while I work, following me around the garden - including sitting on the bench where I first saw him - even hanging out while I exercised on my stair stepper.
He was just always there to keep me company.
He even came running home like a dog when I called his name and clapped my hands.

At some point I hope I can smile more at these memories, but for now, as you said, it is just literal, heart-rending grief.

With deepest gratitude for taking the time to share your story and your heart -

Vicki

[KayC]

It's a process.  I'm still not quite there (at the smiling part) and it's been 1 year nine months for Arlie and nearly 1 1/2 years for Kitty, but it's kind of mixed between smiling at memories & feeling the grief weight in my heart, which I carry all the time.  I'm no stranger to grief, having lost my husband nearly 16 years ago come Father's Day, but new losses don't come any easier...

[AJWCat]

It's honor to be here to help others like they were for me. What a sweetheart, love bug! 

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

@KayC  
Joyous memories & grief - a profound & difficult union to bear, isn't it?

And I can't begin to imagine the pain of losing your husband.
Mine is 17 years older than I, so I live with the dread on a daily basis, even though he is, thankfully, in good health.

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

@AJWCat
His full name really did suit him (heart emoji not allowed?).
And I truly appreciate the honor, and help, you now pay forward to others, stemming from the loss of your own dear one.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim... said:

I live with the dread on a daily basis

Hoping you have many happy years ahead!  Try not to let that thought enter, enjoy what IS today and every day!  

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

Dear @KayC

It is difficult now, as I have been in horrible back pain since December, finally saw neurosurgeon, and we're waiting on tests...I am unable to sit or stand comfortably, so we can't really do anything together.
He is exhausted seeing me constantly exhausted and in tears from the pain.

This, combined with Herbie's death, & my severe Meniere's Disease on top of it all, makes it feel like life is raining down pretty hard on my soul this year.
I do wonder if perhaps this the way I might die before my husband, so I won't have to deal with the pain of losing him.

[KayC]

I know pain all too well as I sustained permanent injuries to my hands over a year ago, surgery made it worse.  I live alone with no help (property in the country) and my strength was 30% in the right hand, 50% in the left, before surgery...afterwards it worsened.  I need my hands for everything!  Even typing hurts and my fingers now stutter whereas I was an excellent typist before.  The doctor had me on Tylenol and Ibuprofen every three hours staggering them but I discontinued as it seems I'll have to live with this and the Ibuprofen and Tylenol both raised my BP, I was 180s over 80s and with increasing my prayer/meditation and trying to de-stress and "let go" I've been able to bring it under control (was already on 3 Rxs for it).  Life is sure a challenge, isn't it!  I really hope the doctors can offer a solution for you that will help your pain and make life more tolerable.  It seems what is handed out is not equal or fair, for sure.    My husband's been gone 16 years now and my Arlie (dog) nearly two and 25 year old Kitty 1 1/2.  My son brought me Kodie 1 1/2 years ago and I don't know what I'd do without him.  I just posted this for someone else, but here it is for you to see him, begging for the treats on the table!    Hard to resist his cute little face!

[Gary55]

@Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...I'm truly sorry to read about Herbie. The heartbreak is awful. And you are having to deal with other things in your life too. This forum has been a life saver to me, everyone does understand. You are a lovely person with your rescue work. I'm 5 months on from Goldie passing, and it's the worst I've felt in my life. Thinking of you at this time. 

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

Oh, @KayC, you have been through so much.

The fact that, despite the pain in your hands, you work so hard at helping everyone on here you can, touches my heart.

I, too, live in the country, with only my husband.
That you have children and, I assume, a church community, I hope gives you much comfort.
 

You are so right about our difficulties being unfairly meted out.
I am in the darkest place I have ever been in my life right now, so I hope something gets better soon -
I cannot imagine going on in this kind of emotional & physical pain, but I also know surgery is a risk.
And if I hurt too much to care for kitties, to perform my singing, to really live...What am I to do?

Thank you for the precious pic of Kodie...what a cutie pie!
How COULD you resist that face?!

And thank you for who you are.

 

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

@Gary55

How very much I appreciate both your caring and your kind words.

You are so right about the intensity of the heartbreak...on top of everything else.
That you took time to reach out to me to share a helping hand, and to tell me about your dear Goldie, means everything.

"It's the worst I've felt in my life" - Yes, this.
I can only hang onto the idea, the fragile hope, that Herbie would want me to help another..someday...and I will try, in his honor.

Thinking of you as well, new friend.

[KayC]

I'm so sorry you have so much pain on top of everything.  I have learned to look for any good in life, no matter how small, nothing too trivial to count, and when I see it, embrace it, it's changed my life...I started practicing that day 11 of losing my husband, George.  I think God put a refrigerator magnet in my path to find the inspiration and I have it up still.  It's helped me learn to live in the present, not compare what was to what is (or someone else's life to mine), and to fully appreciate & practice gratitude.  This is an article I wrote ten years into , my loss of George...it changed my life in so many ways, not only the loss/pain but also the rich lessons I've learned on my journey.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

Dear @KayC,

While I am not a believer, your words still bring me much comfort, along with wonderful advice -
for that, and all you continue to do, I thank you.

I can promise that I will do my very best to "look for joy in every day."

P.S.  I see you're in Oregon -
My very first rescue was when I lived in Oregon, getting my master's degree.
She was a little Siamese kitty I named "Shashi" - Japanese for "cross-eye," because she was so endearingly so.
The shelter was going to put her down after her babies were grown and adopted out, which hardly seemed fair; so even though I didn't have the room or money, I went down and cradled the soul who would become my best friend.
Shashi was with me through graduate school, my first job, and meeting and marrying my husband.

I miss her still.

[KayC]

Just curious, where did you go to school?  My sister graduated from U of O, my son from Oregon State, my nephew from Portland State, my niece from George Fox.

Your Siamese kitty sounds sweet as well, so glad you rescued her!  I pretty much did with Kitty too, she was 12 and lived to 25!

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

@KayC

I went to UofO as well - loved the area, though not the school.
But they gave me a full fellowship, and I got my Shashi out of it, so I'm very happy I went.

Oh my goodness - Kitty lived to 25 years?!
You are so lucky to have had her for so long after adopting a "senior" baby.

[KayC]

Eugene is beautiful for a city, I grew up there, my family had pioneers in the area, my gr-grandfather founded Veneta (named after my grandma's little sister), Fern Ridge & school named after my grandma.  My daughter lives in Eugene and loves it.  Who else has a Slug Queen?!    I'm in the mountains above Oakridge.

I really was lucky,. I know.  I never dreamed she'd live so long, she was amazing!  Never went to the vet until she was euthanized.  She had a way of disappearing every time I planned to take her in & I finally gave up after speaking with "the cat lady" across the street who does a cat rescue...she said not to vaccinate older cats.  Someone had crudely "fixed" her before I got her, no self-respecting vet would do that, they left a cord hanging out of her belly, I trimmed it off.  Her story of survival is amazing.

Full fellowship, that is wonderful!  My son went to OR State for free as well, his GI Bill, grants, scholarships, he paid for his "living expenses" by having two roommates, he'd bought a mobile home and gutted/fixed it up because the rents were so high!  Smart move, when he graduated he sold it and bought his first house, now he has his dream house in the country, works in nearby Salem.

Your Kitty is very beautiful.  It helped me to write about my animals here so their lives would not be forgotten...

Memories of Kitty
Living with Loss - Loss of a Pet
Memories of Arlie

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

Dear @KayC,

It's been a little while since I talked with you, and just wanted you to know I think of you often, and am so appreciative of your help for so many on this site.

Both Arlie and Kitty are adorable...seriously.
I'm sure you miss them, and of course your dear husband, still.

I was sorry to read on another post that you rarely hear from your children.
I don't have any children, but would have thought that would help ease the loneliness.

Hoping you have a few people who help carry your soul -

Purrs & furry hugs,
Vicki
 

[Lenka]

Sending hugs to you.  I lost my kitty Pauly last month. It was sudden, unexpected and traumatic. We don’t know for sure how old he was but he was at least 20. We found him 13 years ago huddled under a vechile on a cold winter night. He would have frozen to death if we hadn’t found him and brought him in. He was a funny guy. Was used to call him the “noise police” because of the other cats started making noise he would get up and chase them! He was known as the decorative cat because he usually only got up to eat and to go sit in a different spot. (I’ll insert his picture.) He lost his best buddy Rocky last year. Even though it’s painful and I still keep looking at his chair to see him sitting there and remember he’s gone, one thing makes me feel better. So many people have said this and I believe it’s true: we gave him a good life. He had good food, comfortable places to sleep, lots of pets and love. I am grateful he didn’t have a prolonged illness, that it was rather sudden so he didn’t have to suffer much. (I had always thought he would just go to sleep one day and not wake. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case but it was only a few hours of pain, not days or weeks like Rocky) 

Your special friend has passed on, but you gave him a great life and so much love. I like to believe whenever we think of them and tell them  we love them, that wherever their soul is, they feel a moment of joy and contentment. 

 I hope you can remember all the wonderful times you had together and all the happiness he had because of you. Sometimes I think that losing someone we love is too painful and that it might be better to not love anyone, but then I remember that it’s not just about the joy they brought us but the joy we brought to them. It was an honour to be his mom all those years and I’m grateful it got to be me to share his life. So sorry for your loss. Many hugs. My thoughts are with you.  

 

[KayC]

Lenka, I am sorry for the loss of your kitty as well.    Mine was 25 when she passed last year.  She'd been in great shape until the last year she lost weight and then all of a sudden started going downhill at Christmas, she was euthanized 1/6, her liver and kidneys had shut down.  So hard when you've had them a long time, I still miss her even though it's been almost 1 1/2 years.  

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

Dear @Lenka

I loved reading your story about your dear Pauly.
What a precious kitty, and so very lucky indeed that you were there to rescue him, and give him the best of homes.

I am so grateful too, that we were able to rescue Herbie and give him a wonderful life;
but I am also angry with myself that I can't remember him with joy, only tears -
I am selfish because my arms are still empty, my heart still breaking, and the ache too intense to imagine going on.
How I wish I could know he was waiting for me.

If I could do some more rescue work, and bring in another needful soul, I believe that would help (both of us);  but I'm in such terrible pain at the moment, with no knowledge that it will get better...I just don't know if it would be best for them.

But Lenka, I can feel your hugs and thoughts, and those mean a great deal to me -
Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

Yours,
Herbie's Mom, Vicki

[Lenka]

I completely understand. Grief is love with nowhere to go. I’m sorry for the pain your going through. I know this doesn’t help right now, but in time you will be able to remember all the wonderful times you had with him. You need time to heal for it is indeed a terrible injury to our souls. 

[Mom to Herbie, Tiny Tim...]

@Lenka

"Grief is love with nowhere to go" -
I've never heard that...it is absolutely profound, and it helps.

I know in time the grief will lesson (I hope), but in the meantime, I will be open to my love finding another place to go.

Thank you again, for sharing, Lenka - you are a beautiful soul.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Lenka said:

Grief is love with nowhere to go.

I've heard that, apt description.