Lost My Dad

[Crylater]

April 20th of this year, I lost my dad. Im 36. He was going to be 61 May 18th.  He was on his way home being  Transferred through hospice. His Organs were shutting down.When we got the called he had just passed. He was only 9mins away from his home and family. They let us see him. He was on the side of the road by a gas station, He looked like he was just sleeping. I was waiting for him to open his eyes. The second I knew he had passed. I started to call around to see where he was going to me takin to. His funeral was the May 6th. I felt like I was going a thousand miles an hour. I understand everyone  Grieves in their own way. But seeing my older brother go threw his stuff in the garage. Or give my dad cigarettes to his friends. Not even being a week since he passed. My younger brother shutting down. My niece telling me how much my dad loved her more (she's 10) and her mom telling me stories to make me jealous it seems. I hate everyone right now. He wasn't suppose to die. I keep hoping this is all a bad dream. I drove him to the hospital. He said he was feeling different. That he didn't want to go, but he needed to, I should have turned back. Next thing I know he's in the ICU with tubs down his throat. He heard me say DNR to the doctor. He heard me say he didn't want this. He thought I didn't love him on his last minutes on this earth. I have so much guilt because he thought I didn't want him to live. I should have told him I loved him more. I don't know what to do. He was suppose to out live everyone in my family. I miss him, I just want him back. He wasn't perfect or the nicest guy you could ever meet. But you would never forget him. And he would always have your back once you did. He would tell me I was the glue to this family. But he was the glue and rock. I feel lost right now. Empty, sad. There's moments I want someone to feel this much pain that I'm feeling, then moments where I want for someone to just beat me up because I feel so guilty. I hate that everyone seems to be moving on with their lives. I don't know because no one really helped me with the funeral. I took care of the pictures for the funeral. Went threw 100's of pictures of him and us to put on a jump drive for that day. Made the poster boards. Wrote most of my mon eulogy. Took her to get the programs everything I could do so she wouldn't have to. Order a Urn. All this and not one F N time did my brother's help. Not once someone offer to take over for me. I had to see pictures upon pictures of my dad. Not just the ones everyone else just saw that day. He wasn't suppose to leave us. He wast suppose to die. 

[Tamtam]

Dear Crylater,

I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences.                                                                                                             
You taking care of your father’s funeral all by yourself and seeing so many pictures of your father must have been very painful. 
By reading your post, I see how much you love your father.

I know there’s nothing I can say to comfort you but I also lost my father on January 2nd this year. I am 40 years old and my father was 65 years old. His birthday is 27th this month.  I never imagined he would pass so suddenly and so soon. I got a call from my mother and was told he was found unconscious at home. I was on my way and in a taxi praying and crying, But less that 15 minutes later, I was told that he has passed. I also feel like this a bad dream and I cannot believe I would not be able to see him or talk to him ever again. I am struggling everyday and asking myself why I should keep on living. I did not get to tell him things I wanted to tell him and have so many regrets. I did not get to see him at all last year because of COVID. I wish I went to see him.

You mentioned even though you know everyone grieves in their own way, you are having some difficulties with your family members. I thought that my mother, my sister and myself can share this grief and loss because we are family but it seems that exactly because we are family, it is difficult. Indeed, I have had big arguments with my younger sister and have not been in touch with her for almost 4month. I have decided to let it be for now but feel that losing my father meant losing the family once I had.  

I struggle everyday and some people around me including friends start to act like I should be over it since it has been a while but I know this is not something I move on.  I hope you find something that brings you comfort and please be kind to yourself. 

Sincerely 

[DaedalanEcho]

Crylater,

My mom passed in April and I can't bring myself to throw much of anything of hers away.  I feel like even the mundane things are all that are left of her in this world, so I understand how you feel about your brother giving away even small things of your dad's.  When it comes time for funeral preparations, it often seems like one child or member of the family bears the brunt of the work, from picking pictures to planning the funeral and it's not uncommon for other family members to find something to be irritated about.  I know one of my family members was mad that she heard from someone else that my mom had passed.  

Please take care of yourself as much as possible during this time.  Things will get better, even if they are never the same.

Best Wishes,

Vance  

[Crylater]

Vance,

           I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I know people say they understand what your going threw, but no one truly does because the relationship between each individual is different. But reading what you wrote about the mundane things are left of them is so true. I never thought a pack of cigarettes would make me break down into tears,  never planning a funeral before I thought my family would come together and help out. Even telling them I needed help I really didn't get it. The Funeral was the 6th of May. And I was fine but the other day it hit me hard. I feel so empty right now. I keep playing back everything I said or didn't say to my dad. Im mad at my family for not seeing sad. But I am taking care of myself. Getting going each day. Thank you for reaching out to me I hope your taking care of yourself too. 

Best wishes 

       Crylater

[DaedalanEcho]

Crylater,

I understand the feeling of emptiness, but I believe that it will pass.  Things may never be quite the same, but that's OK too. 

When my mom was in the hospital, I found it hard to talk to her about the inevitable.  Sometimes that meant we sat there quietly and other times it meant that I focused on the mechanics of her treatment or something trivial.  At one point she called it out and said (not in an angry way) that it seems like we should have more to talk about, and how sad that is.  Looking back, I realize I couldn't accept what was becoming evident; that her time here and our time together was coming to an end.  I also think back on what I could or should have said, but I think the key is to know that our parents know what is in our hearts, even if we may not have had the chance to verbalize it. 

-Vance  

[Wearamaskstill]

Hi Crylater,

I lost my father February 13. I am 24, he was 61. I am the second oldest of four. I had to be the strong one. I had to be the one to tell my siblings because no one had the heart to tell them, and they knew I was the strong one out of them. Telling one of us is a lot easier than telling all of us. It sucked. It sucks to have to be the one to do everything while everyone else gets to “take a step back”. He was healthy the day before- sudden brain aneurysm. 
You are going to think about him everyday. This I can promise you. My father wasn’t the best guy, but he loved me. I bet your dad did too.

You have to find any situation to smile or laugh is my best advice. My whole life I thought my dad was born in 1960, and he told me he did too. It wasn’t until the day he died when I had to start doing the paper work when I found out he was born in 1959.

 

my condolences