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Read a book about grief recently that mentioned how support groups can help with the processing, etc. so giving this a shot

A little over a month ago I got broken up with over the phone the morning after our last date at my apartment (movie night), that along with other experiences here has made it difficult to be in my apartment at all, along with various other triggers including just thinking about cooking in general, wanting to see her car anytime I pull into my complex, thinking about various places, parts of town in the city I live in. In the words of this book I read recently "there's no place in your life this loss has not touched." 

This was the first person I ever had in my life that, romantically speaking, actually liked me back. Said so verbally and said so with actions, etc. I'd faced pretty constant rejection going back as far as 5th grade at the school dance up until prom, to pretty much every experience I had in college. After the breakup I said I wasn't going to be one of those clingy exes it was hard though. I still cared about her and wanted to keep in touch. I guess at a certain point, the breaking point was me trying to compliment over instagram and I got blocked, blocked on insta, twitter, tik tok, phone number, you name it. The breakup hurt but that with just the realization that it is *over over* I can't even reach out in months if I wanted to, there is basically no chance I ever see her again. 

To add to all of the above and below I've dealt with mental health issues, anxiety and depression for a good portion of my life. I shared with her the issues I'd had, she shared with me issues she'd had and felt like that added to our level of connection. So just to have all that and one, to have that just disappear just one day, poof, and then secondly, it feels like the block and the ignoring is a complete dismissal of the issues I'd had. There's still a part of me that's holding out hope that we'll work things out but I know thats irrational.

The reason I come here today especially is because for whatever reason, whether it is my self-esteem, wanting to get under someone, what have you I was scrolling through Hinge, the dating app. Was just liking through profiles when it felt like I got hit by a double decker bus. Saw her profile. I could tell she updated it recently since she had her college graduation photos from just a week or so ago. When I saw that it legitimately made me feel physically sick and I'm still laying here in my bed just feeling absolutely frozen. 

I know that all was a complete ramble, I wrote paragraphs out of order even. I'm doing everything I can and can think of to make things better, I'm getting out of my house, I'm eating multiple times a day, I'm going on walks, I saw a therapist, writing about all this in my journal... but this wound still feels as fresh as it did the morning we broke up. Am tired of this pain and just want to shout it out, maybe into the void and maybe someone will reply, who knows. 

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Hi, Robw9677. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

About six weeks ago, I was broken up with by a woman who I was dating for 6 years (I'm 33, this was my third major relationship but by far the longest I've had). I can relate SO much to what you said. One of my biggest fears right now is that she's going to be moving on faster than I am. That she'll start dating someone soon, and it'll just crush me.

The pain, sadness, frustration, everything... it's all a blur.

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