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New to forum, My son Robbie dies


eternal_sorrows

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eternal_sorrows

October 2000, my husband, grandma and Mother all died in a 2 week period. I was devasted. Lived in darkeness it seemed like years..A little over 5 to be exact. I had my son, Robbie. He was my strength, my everything. He was only 14 at the time yet, stayed by my side and walked me through my grief. It was unfair to him as I later realized because he woorried more about me then himself.

5 1/2 years ago Robbie was in a serious car accident which left him paralyzed from his nipples down meaning he had no use of his arms or hands either. His brain was still full functioning He was in the gospital 11 months then moved in with me and I  was his caregiver. Through out his entire ordeal he still worried so much about me more than his self. He did have to go to the hospital quite often weather it was for pneumonia, bladder infection etc. I stayed by his side also. Last year on one of his trips to the hoapital theuy told us he wouldn't make it that his organs were shutting down..He talked to ,e and told me it was ok that he was ready and so tired of living like he was in his body.  He was more worried about how I would handle his dying than he was of dying. He made it out of the hospital though.

December 27, 2020 I was in his room with him laughing and talking. He had 2 friends in his room also. Robbie just closed his eyes and stopped breathing. Never made a sound.. They tried to revive him for 45 minutes to no prevail. He was right, I am devastated beyond words. We are having a Celebration of Life for him on May 22 (his birthday) then burying his ashes in the family cemetery on the 23rd. It is a three hour drive so we are camping out on the 22nd. Which I know Robbie would have loved. A lot of his friends are going which is also great however when I hear them say (which a few have said to me) they say "I can't wait, I am so excited" it for some reason goes through me. I don't say anything but I feel they are forgetting  I am going to be burying my son that weekend. 

Just as I was learning to breathe once again, life took my breath away just like that.  I cry a lot and miss him so much. Life just doesn't seem to be fair often. Thank you in advance to anyone reading this. I have been trying to get my story out somewhere, somehow and I have been screaming inside. If anything thank you for letting me finally tell someone.

I have read a lot of postings on here and my heart hurts for everyone on here. I wish everyone a very gentle healing.

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Missing Timothy

eternal_sorrows.  I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.  You have a beautiful story to tell.  Never stop telling it.  Unfortunately, people don’t realize how important it is for you to talk about Robbie.  They see that talking about him makes you cry and think it’s a bad thing, not realizing the tears lead to healing.  

 I lost my 19 year old son Timothy on December 31, 2016.  He was born with Muscular Dystrophy and eventually ended up in a wheelchair with little use of his hands.  He had a blockage in his intestines and had surgery, but his sutures didn’t hold.  He went back into emergency surgery.  I kissed him as I wiped his tear away and said I will see you when you get out of surgery.   He developed sepsis and never regained consciousness.   I believe he knew he was leaving, and was crying for us.  We had to make the decision to stop giving him epinephrine pushes, and kissed him goodbye one final time.  I understand the pain of watching your child struggle and wishing you could take his place.  That part was hard, but it doesn’t compare with the pain of not having him here.  
A month before he passed away, Timothy and I went to see “The Arrival”.  In the movie, although the mother was shown the future and knew her daughter was going to die of cancer, she was given the choice to choose that life with her daughter, or not.  I told my son I would have chosen to have him no matter what we had to go through, and he told me he wouldn’t have chosen to be born.  I knew at that point, that he was weary and tired of fighting.  That gave my husband and I the strength to make the decision we had to make, when the time came.  I thank God that I had that conversation with Timothy.  This New Years Eve will be 5 years.  Timothy loved the fireworks of New Years Eve.  How fitting that he would go Home that day!  Grieving gets less exhausting, and the burden gets a little lighter, but the longing to see him and hug him and tell him I love him is always there. Amazingly, my oldest son’s birthday is also on May 22nd.  I will be thinking about you and saying a prayer for you on that day!

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