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How to i truly feel again without my brother


onelostsoul

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onelostsoul

just keep with it sorry for type-o's i did bust into tears

Hi , im 18 years old , last year i lost someone not my sibling . on May 12, 2020 , my grandfather passed away yes it was hard on all of us. my little brother it was worst, he had behavior issues and other things ( i would not like to discuss) . that has gotten him into big trouble before the only one who could truly talk him down was my grandfather. at the time he was only 16 years old it was every hard for him to say goodbye to his favorite person who always had his back. Fast forward he has recently turned 17 years old on December 2nd ,2020 , and he was doing so well  talking about how he was changing his life around to make our papa proud. I told him how proud i was of him and that papa was too. he was so happy and was so caring to his dog who was soon to give birth. on the day of February 2nd, 2021 , i woke up at 6am to get ready for work but saw a text on my phone. a little back story , my brother was depressed in the passed and talked about killing himself but never went to that point. but on that morning i woke up to a text from him "im sorry i just cant do life anymore i love yall and im sorry" . i was worried but it didnt hit. i walked in to the living room where he would sleep on the couch while he was here. and there he laid looking like he was sleeping as usual. i touched his arm he was still warm i shaked him but nothing , then i put my head to his chest and heard nothing nothing at all. i tried to move his arm it wouldnt move like it was hard. i ran to my mothers room screaming " his gone he is really gone" . at first she thought i was saying he ranaway like he has done in the past. what we had to see was horrible. he wraped himself in the blanket so tight it was hard to get in off. my mother tried to open his mouth to give him CPR and it didnt move. we live far from anything but it didnt take long after calling 911 to hear they where on there way but there was nothing we could do. they said he was gone for hours the blanket was the only thing keeping in the heat. he had the text to send at 6am to a groupchat so there would be no way to stop him. he OD on his meds. i had to be strong for my mother anfd family but im breaking inside from putting my ear to my lilttle brothers chest and not hearing anything like he was nothing, to seeing my mother put her lips on her son to try to save him for there not to do a thing, to seeing the paramedics try to move his arms and not even move a inch, to seeing only his face in a body bag. 

 i just want to know how i feel ok again. i can not think about him i sometimes late at night see him sleeping on the couch for a second. And knowing i will never see him like really see him for the rest of my life. knowing that in the necklaces i wear everyday had his and my papa ashes in them. out of nowhere i will just start crying cause he is on my brain even when i try not to he is in the background. if anyone could help me breathe but never forget him . i welcome the help in any form. because, somenights i sit awake not able to sleep till after 6 wondering how it felt to die and did he wanted to back outt at the last second.  i try hard every day not to get depressed or have a anxiety attack. i have problems with bipolar depression and anxiety.  somedays i wanna die but always remember that i need to live for them and myself.  someone help.

typing this as helped my chest to fill lighter.

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Dear onelostsoul,

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry for your devastating loss. The pain and sorrow is so deep. I don't know where you live in the world but I hope you'll reach out and talk to a counsellor or join a support group. I have included some links that I hope will help you. Please know we are with you and you can write to us. Thinking of you

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/help-for-teenagers-young-adults-and-students/bereavement-and-young-people/

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

https://www.griefandsympathy.com/

 

 

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