Members Popular Post PSG Posted May 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 I just joined this community as I need a place to be real, to share how I am really doing, without the fear of being judged by those who know me. If they only knew the truth of how poorly I am coping, would they shun me, pity me, see me as less competent, capable? I know some surely would. Plus, I cannot burden old friends, who have already been there for me so many times. Or burden adult step children, who are wonderful and loving, but live far away and have busy lives with many demands - and can't really do much in the moment to help a sobbing mess on the end of the phone, so I don't call - not unless I've can turn on my happy voice. My husband of just under 20 years of marriage died last October. He had a slow growing cancer when we met and we got married anyhow, thinking we would have a few good years but we beat the actuarial tables and then some - only to be blind-sided by a different and un-related cancer about a year before he died. We had years to prepare for one type of disease progression and death only to be hit with something completely unexpected - something unrelenting, toxic, quickly debilitating. As with so many of the rest of you who have posted - what am I supposed to do now? My life was so much (probably too much) wrapped up in his. I can't complete my profile for this site - it asks about interests....I don't have any right now. And I can even remember what interested me before I met him. Nothing brings me joy, I don't feel anticipation. I just withdraw as much as I can into mindless Netflix, I eat (over-eat) - just try to stuff the unrelenting sadness down. I know, i KNOW, this is not healthy ways of coping. I have tried so many others - journaling, trying to get some regular exercise - and I've started to see a grief counselor from the hospice we used but I am not sure she is going to be a good fit. Doesn't seem to really be listening and tells me how "wonderful" I am and how much she likes me...she just met me - she doesn't know very much about me at all. Just looking for a place where I can be real and where others will be real, too. 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted May 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 6 hours ago, PSG said: My life was so much (probably too much) wrapped up in his. I'm sure some would say that about John and me. I don't care about that. It's rare to find that one person we want to be so completely partnered with that every aspect of our lives belongs with them. It's a risk, no doubt about it, and we're where we are now because we took that leap of faith. But if we hadn't, we wouldn't have had the joy of a soulmate either. 6 hours ago, PSG said: I can't complete my profile for this site - it asks about interests....I don't have any right now. No need to even consider that. It's entirely optional and not something I've given a moment's thought to really. 6 hours ago, PSG said: I just withdraw as much as I can into mindless Netflix, I eat (over-eat) - just try to stuff the unrelenting sadness down. I know, i KNOW, this is not healthy ways of coping. I have tried so many others - journaling, trying to get some regular exercise Ditto to everything you wrote here. Your loss is still so fresh that I don't consider it unhealthy at all. We get through the days however we can and if that means binging on Netflix and eating too much for a time, then so be it. Please don't be too hard on yourself. I was a virtual hermit for months, well into the following spring, after John died. I still can't cope with too much at once. 6 hours ago, PSG said: I've started to see a grief counselor from the hospice we used but I am not sure she is going to be a good fit. Doesn't seem to really be listening and tells me how "wonderful" I am and how much she likes me...she just met me - she doesn't know very much about me at all. Please listen to your instincts and look for another counselor. Her job is to listen and help. How is telling you that you're "wonderful" (even though I have no doubt that you are!) or claiming to like you, especially right away, helping you? How is that allowing you to work your way through the beginning of this painful journey? IMO, her approach is not right for you. It wouldn't be for me, for sure. 6 hours ago, PSG said: We had years to prepare for one type of disease progression and death only to be hit with something completely unexpected - something unrelenting, toxic, quickly debilitating. I am so sorry. My John had beaten prostate cancer 15 years before he was diagnosed with an aggressive bladder cancer. I could not believe he wouldn't make it through again. His final 15 months were very much like your husband's. The thing is that even when we know what's going to happen, it's a shock when it does. It changes every cell in our bodies and alters us permanently. That's part of why this kind of grief is a long, difficult journey. Not only have we lost our one love, we've lost who we are with them. This is a loss like no other and no one can understand it fully until and unless it happens to them. But at coming up on 3 years, I can tell you that it doesn't stay the same, at least it hasn't for me. I can't say I'm happy and I will never be happy the way I was before, but I look back and can say I'm happier than I was because my grief has softened and am learning to carry the burden of it as part, rather than all, of my life. Over time, all that was wonderful, loving, happy, silly, and even mundane has come forward to mix in with all the devastation of losing him. It's changed so very slowly that I couldn't even begin to tell you when it did. Losing him changed me forever; learning to live with that loss is changing me too. I can sure relate to "putting on the brave face" and not wanting to burden others, especially because they so often have no idea what to say or do, or they unintentionally say or do hurtful things. Of course you need to be seen as competent at work, but I found over time that withdrawing and basically lying about how I was/am doing is harmful to me and to some relationships. I don't spew out everything all the time and I've never been good at crying in front of others, but if I'm having a bad day, I don't hide it completely either. I wish so much that you didn't have a reason to be here. I wish none of us did. ((HUGS)) 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post widower2 Posted May 4, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 1 hour ago, PSG said: I just joined this community as I need a place to be real, to share how I am really doing, without the fear of being judged by those who know me. If they only knew the truth of how poorly I am coping, would they shun me, pity me, see me as less competent, capable? I know some surely would. Plus, I cannot burden old friends, who have already been there for me so many times. Or burden adult step children, who are wonderful and loving, but live far away and have busy lives with many demands - and can't really do much in the moment to help a sobbing mess on the end of the phone, so I don't call - not unless I've can turn on my happy voice. Know that feeling all too well. One of the hardest things I ever did was muster up the strength to call people back home (family, closest friends) and pretend like I was OK. Needless to say I didn't call often. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have been more honest, but nobody likes to be unloaded on, even if they say they're willing. Quote My husband of just under 20 years of marriage died last October. I'm so terribly sorry. I love my beloved to cancer as well. Quote As with so many of the rest of you who have posted - what am I supposed to do now? Forgive the stupid cliche, but it's true: just try to survive one day at a time. That's enough. I created a small/simple web site years ago with things I wish someone had told me back then, maybe (repeat maybe, hopefully) you can get something out of it - FWIW: https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp Quote Nothing brings me joy, I don't feel anticipation. I just withdraw as much as I can into mindless Netflix, I eat (over-eat) - just try to stuff the unrelenting sadness down. Sounds familiar to me and many here I'm sure. Quote I've started to see a grief counselor from the hospice we used but I am not sure she is going to be a good fit. Doesn't seem to really be listening and tells me how "wonderful" I am and how much she likes me...she just met me - she doesn't know very much about me at all. Wow she sounds like a rank amateur. Fluffy platitudes aren't what you need. I'd look for someone else. Quote Just looking for a place where I can be real and where others will be real, too. I think you've come to the right place. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted May 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 PSG, Welcome to our community. I think many of us experienced the same reluctance to be 'honest' with our friends and family. In part, because most of them just couldn't understand, because they have never experienced such a loss. I know I could not really share my feelings with people in my life, because I was in a really dark place much of the time. I didn't want to worry my adult children. While I was working, I didn't want to share with my coworkers, as I was just barely doing my job. This forum was my refuge. I could share how lost I was, and the folks here understood. I hope you will find comfort here, knowing you are not alone. We really do care about you and will do what we can to help. Gail 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jmmosley53 Posted May 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 I sort of understand being in a position to NOT call because you feel vulnerable, and you don't want to impose on friends. Mine work so hard at trying to cheer me up. I hate to disappoint them. Thing is, if I do get cheery it only last while the friend is present. Truth is, it really isn't their responsibility to cheer me up - but they try anyway. Seems easier to just avoid the whole thing. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted May 4, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 I am so sorry for your loss and that you have cause to be here for this reason. It's the hardest thing I've been through in my life, it's been quite a journey...at first shock/anxiety/grief fog/frantic, but eventually learning to coexist with my grief. I've learned it's okay to not be okay, and I hope your work allows for occasional breakdowns because they can happen without warning. This is about YOU and what YOU are going through so I hope you don't feel the need to put on a brave face all the time whether around family/friends or what. They may not "get it" if they haven't been through it, and sometimes even if they have because our relationships are all unique. I know of some who were glad when their husband died because they were abusive & mean but for myself my husband was sweet, my soul mate and best friend and I miss him each and every day of my life in the nearly 16 years since he passed. Welcome here and I hope you find comfort here. It sounds like you might need to find a counselor that's a better fit for you, perhaps more authentic. My first one wasn't good either. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Diane R. E. Posted May 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 Hello PSG; I am so very sorry for your loss. Yes, you can certainly be real on this forum. This is the place where you can express anything you are feeling - we get it. Sending virtual hugs! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ScotJ65 Posted May 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 18 hours ago, PSG said: Just looking for a place where I can be real and where others will be real, too. Hi PSG. Just to echo the sentiments of widower2, you really have come to the right place! My heartfelt sympathies go out to you on the loss of your husband. I lost my beautiful woman last November and my world will never be the same. She was only 54. You're amongst friends here, but more importantly you're amongst friends who understand what you're going through. Friends who won't ever judge you. And friends to whom you can vent your innermost thoughts and feelings without hesitation. Because we're all here to support one another through the worst of times. And that's exactly what we do. (((Hugs))) James. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PSG Posted May 6, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted May 6, 2021 Thanks to all of you who have responded with comments, sharing similar feelings, and with support. I am quite grateful. PSG. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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