Mother passed away

[Ammarqureshi1993]

Today this morning my mother passed away and it's extremely painful. I can't stop crying and it's hard to keep myself together. She was diagnosed with colon cancer stage 4 January of 2020. On top of this she had diabetes and eye problems. I had known this was coming. I could see my mother gradually getting weaker. I'm very depressed and I just felt like I didn't get a chance to say I love her and wish I had been there more for her. I wanted to be able to talk with her one last time and say goodbye to her, but it just happened so suddenly. I can't stop thinking of the times I had with her and I just keep crying when I think of them. I feel like my brain and mind is shattered into pieces. I just wish thus was a dream and it feels like it, but it's not. I miss her so much.

[reader]

Dear Ammar,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences. Losing a beloved parent is a raw feeling and the grief feels unbearable. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve for your mother. It's hard to look back and think about the things we could have said and done, but please know this is normal part of your grieving process.

Sending my thoughts and prayers.

[DaedalanEcho]

Ammar,

I'm sorry for your loss.  I lost my mom to lung cancer in April and I know how painful it is.  Knowing that it's coming doesn't prepare you for that sense of overwhelming loss after it happens.  I'm sure she knows how much you loved her.  It will get easier and it's important to take care of yourself as well.

When my mom was in the hospital, I visited every day, but I didn't want to talk about what we both knew was coming.  Looking back, I wish I had taken the time to have more frank conversations with her, to tell her that I appreciated all she did for me.  

Best Wishes -

Vance

[CocoLoco]

I just lost my mom May 9 (yes mothers day), and it was sudden. Not immediate but sudden. On a Wednesday, I woke up to texts telling me my mom was in hospital and it didn't look good. I was so scared and in total disbelief. I rushed to the hospital. My mom looked like she was sleeping, but she could not wake up. I was stunned. Foolishly, I didn't want to believe it. I went home and tried to "pray" and keep positive thoughts. A few days later, I got sick. Just sick twisted feeling, I couldn't relax, I couldn't sleep or eat at all. I was terrified so I turned off my phone. I couldn't concentrate, I didn't feel like dong anything and I couldn't relax. After about another few days I finally mustered up the will power to turn back on my phone. It would not stop pinging with texts and voicemails for about 10 mins. I got sick of it and turned off the volume and vibrations. Messages kept coming up, so I put it under my pillow. I couldn't look. 

Finally, later that evening, I heard the dreaded consistent banging on my door. I had to answer so I did. Of course it was my step dad. First thing he said was Why wasn't I answering my phone and people have been trying to reach you. I told him straight up that I was sick and I didn't want to hear any bad news. I shook my head like a child and almost covered my ears as I turned to run away from him, but I heard him say gently, "your mothers gone. She passed." Even after I knew all this, my stomach still dropped and I was so shocked I could even cry. I felt the tears, but I wasn't bawling like I thought I'd be, like the way I was crying even the night before. I didn't want to talk about it at all. I could tell he was grieving and I couldn't even hug him. He immediately started to tell me that we have to think about arrangements, but I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to run upstairs, curl up on my bed, blast the t.v and pretend it wasn't happening. He told me he didn't know what to do either and that he's sad and shocked too, but I had nothing to say back. Embarrassingly (for me) all I could do was snap and yell at him until he asked me, again very softly, "well what do you want my to say to you? What can I tell you"? I had no answer but to keep acting like a child (my 40th birthday is on the 19th).

It's now Wednesday, It's been three days and I still can't believe it. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm actually really scared. I am the youngest of three children, and I am not close to my siblings at all. While I am still literally trying to process this, they are already squabbling over my mom's things!!! As of last night, again literally, my step dad said they were at the house going through her things and taking what they want. (He called me last night twice but I'm back to ignoring calls, turning off my phone and sticking my head in the sand like an ostrich). When I answered his call this morning he told me and I didn't know what to say. He started asking about what to do (or something) and I flat out told him I can't think about about it right now. Like I don't care!

I dread thinking about talking about the services, I dread talking to anyone on the phone, I absolutely dread the thought of talking to my greedy selfish siblings about anything!

I've been in bed for the past few days and I don't even care. I feel guilty because at this point i just want to get this all over with, and maybe then I can grieve my sweet mother in peace. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do.

[Annathehiker]

I'm so sorry for your loss!  I'm in a similar situation.  Our moms want us to recover from this loss and go on to live happy lives.  You sound like a nice person, and it's so great you had good times with her.  If I were your mom, I wouldn't want you to feel this way.  Warmest wishes to you!!