Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Lost my best friend on April 3 and feeling so guilty


Brittany Schroeder

Recommended Posts

  • Members
Brittany Schroeder
Hello everyone! I'm new here and this is my first post but unfortunately, it's a sad one that I need reassurance from. I apologize ahead of time for my wordiness and for how poor the grammar probably is. I'm just hurting and have a lot to say, so bear with me. 
 
Two and half weeks ago, we put down our four year old Siberian Husky (Dexter) because he bit my 18 month old son on the face. I'm confident I made the right decision by not keeping Dexter and praise Jesus my son is okay, but I'm feeling guilty about whether or not I gave Dexter a good life, especially after my son was born. 
 
Dexter and I were a prime example of man's best friend and he was the first dog I ever owned and cared for. As soon as I got home from work every night, he had my utmost attention with walks, belly rubs, car rides and just chilling out in front of the tv in bed together. I felt like he was glued to me and it was like having a son. 
 
Once my actual son, Logan, was born, my attention towards Dexter decreased a little, but I still found time to walk with him for 30 minutes or take him for a car ride/Puppachino run once my husband got home from work. I had also become a stay home mom and was with Dexter now more than ever, even though I wasn't interacting with him all the time because he wasn't the first priority anymore.
 
Dexter adored Logan as a baby, until he started crawling. He growled at Logan several times once he started getting around, but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt because deep down I knew he loved Logan and that he was a good dog, but just seemed overwhelmed by Logan's sudden changes. Once Logan started walking, I put up baby gates and kept him and Dexter separated during playtime. Because of the growling, I wanted to wait until Logan was old enough to understand how to approach dogs before they could together freely. Dexter would chew on bones or lay around until Logan went down for his nap, which he seemed okay with at first. But eventually, Dexter began to whine more and beg for attention. To still show my love for him, I started to let him in the room to be with us a little more and luckily he went a long time without growling and he just walked away from Logan if he went charging at him (while I also pulled Logan back immediately and told him to stop running at Dexter). After a while Dexter would get anxious with Logan running around and wait by the gate, so I would let him back out, only for him to whine again a little bit later. I always would still walk over to Dexter and reassure him that I would spend time with him once Logan was sleeping though. 
 
When Logan would nap, I would try to play fetch with Dexter or play tug of war with him in our basement or back yard like we did before he was born, but most of the time he either wouldn't want to or he would be done after only a few minutes, which I found odd for a Husky. However, I would still always let him be in the same room as me or sit outside with me if we stayed outside, even if I wasn't interacting with him and he seemed to be okay with that. I would always at least pet in the house as I walked by him or rub him behind the ears a few minutes before going back to what I was doing too. I always still took him for walks and on car rides everyday too. It seemed like Dexter was at the point where he just wanted to be with me more than interact with me. I tried to give him as much attention as I could or as much as he would still let me, but part of me still kept feeling guilty like maybe I wasn't giving him enough quality time, especially on days where I was worn out from chasing Logan around and just wanted to nap when he did (Dexter would still lay with me either on the bed or on the floor next to the bed though). 
 
Then the awful day came where he bit Logan. Dexter hadn't growled at Logan for a while and just licked him on the face the day before, so I decided to let him in with us until he seemed ready to go back out. Dexter came up to Logan and sniffed the back of head like he always would on good days and suddenly, Logan got excited and turned his head abruptly right into Dexter's face and Dexter leaned forward and bit him. Right after the bite, I could tell Dexter felt very guilty and didn't mean to let it go that far. Luckily, the bite was very mild, but my husband and I couldn't take the chance of that happening again after he had growled previously, nor did we want to drop off at a shelter and make Dexter feel abandoned. 
 
We made an appt to euthenize Dexter that night and I spent several hours saying goodbye to him by just laying with him in bed and telling him (with lots of tears) how much I still loved him and that having a baby never changed that. I cradled his beautiful face one last time hours later at the vet and said those same words, while also apolozing for making him feel tossed aside as he took his last breathes. 
 
Of course I love Logan more than Dexter and chose him, but Dexter was still one of my babies too and losing him was the hardest day of my life. Part of me still feels stuck to the bed that he died on. Since his death, I have enjoyed being with Logan more freely around the house and each day is getting a little easier (slowly but surely). However, I have so much guilt and stay awake at night wondering if I really did pay enough attention to Dexter or if he truly knew how much I loved him. I wish I could know if he understood me when I poured my heart out to him as he passed away and as we spent those last few hours together in bed. I would have so much to say to him right now if I could see him again. I miss him so much. This guilt is killing me. 
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I wish he could have been rehomed to someone without kids, it could be he felt jealous and needed worked with.  Huskies are my favorite dogs, you don't usually have trouble with them if you give them their required attention, but if not, they find a way to get it, I am sorry in this case it was your son and I'm glad he's going to be okay.  I hope your son doesn't have a fear of dogs as a result of this, it must have been traumatizing for him.  How is your son doing?  I hope he doesn't feel responsible for ending Dexter's life, have you talked with him about it?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Brittany Schroeder

My son is still okay around other dogs after this luckily and he is only 18 months old, so I doubt he remembers it. I just feel I failed Dexter after my son was born and feel like I drove him to depression and made him feel tossed to the side. I hope he knew much I still loved him and that I was still trying to give him as much attention as I could. There's so much I would say to him. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Tell him.  Tell him out loud.  There's so much we don't know about the "beyond," who knows but maybe they can hear us.  MANY of us talk to our loves ones long after they're gone, I do to my husband (gone nearly 16 years) and my Arlie (dog) and Kitty & Miss Mocha too.  It helps.
 

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.