I ended his suffering.

[Sammy mom]

Because of me, my Sammy died peacefully and comfortably in his bed. My family and I said our good-byes in the backyard under the warm spring sun before we headed off to the vet. I should be, and I am, thankful for that beautiful day. I am thankful that he’s no longer in pain, and that it was a peaceful ending on a beautiful day. 

It is a beautiful memory...... but it does not give me peace. I miss my Sammy so, so terribly. I just took a shower and I dreaded coming out because I knew my Sammy wasn’t going to be at the door waiting for me. I miss his gaze that I can now only get when I look at his picture. I miss him watching me do the laundry, sweep, vacuum, cook, do yard work. Sweeping has been really, really hard because each time I do it, there is less and less of his hair. Every bit of him is disappearing, even my memories of him are feeling like they are drifting farther and farther away.

If something was to happen to me, I know that my family will be okay. Sure, they would grieve but I’m confident they will somehow be able to handle themselves. But Sammy needed me for his physical and social needs. When I felt depressed, he gave me a reason to live. But now he’s gone.

Nothing helps when I want to be near him. Not his ashes on my bedside table, or his pictures and videos, or the multiple walks that I take to retrace our walks. All of these (and many others) are just reminders that my Sammy is nowhere near me. Gone. Just gone.

 

 

 

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how horrible the pain is. I lost my cat due to a violent sudden illness - his last two hours with us were so stressful and horrible. It's a memory that haunts me to this day. But even I have managed to find some kind of peace. 

It doesn't seem like you ever will, because the pain is so great, but you will, too.

It just takes time and patience. And a lot of ups and downs as you learn to deal with life without him. Not easy though. I wish I could offer you more. But you found the right place to share because a lot of people don't understand. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Along with having already lost my husband 16 years ago, these were the hardest losses I have ever had.

We welcome you here and hope you will continue to come here and read/post as it helps to express ourselves and many people do not get it unless they've been through and lost this close relationship.  Our dogs/cats live with us, they are in our everyday lives, members of our family, and being so loyal, loving, forgiving, guileless, they are naturally one of the hardest losses we can endure.  My heart really goes out to you.  What got me was your saying there is less and less fur each time you vacuum, I remember feeling the same when I went through it.  It's been nearly two years for me and I just now took down my sympathy cards from the dining room table and moved them to a spot I have his mementos on.  I still have his coat draped over a chair, and his leash hanging by the door (so I can walk him if he should come back?)...grief doesn't have to make sense, but we learn to do what feels comfortable for us and that can differ for each of us.