My cat died when I was not at home

[pamelanessa]

My FIV+ cat, Maisy, was diagnosed with CKD on the 29th of March. The vet gave her 3 months. She didn't like the subcut and force feeding of meds and renal food. I tried, but I could never get her to eat the required amount of food, and she would often spit out the medicines which I had mixed in with water, and syringe fed. She didn't let me subcut the required amount too, and since she was so unhappy, I let her be.  

One week later, I got a shock to see blood drooling from her mouth. I rushed her to another vet, and they diagnosed her with stomatitis. She was prescribed meds and pain killers for it. I was introduced to the pill popper, and it helped with getting her to eat her meds. The bleeding stopped, her appetite came back, even for renal food. But still, I couldn't handle her for subcut, so I ended up engaging a boarder to come up once a week to help. I couldn't afford to have her come up too often as her services aren't cheap, and my savings were drained from the medical bills. 

The following week, she suddenly became very weak, my dad even said she pooped on the floor. I hurriedly arranged for a TCVM session, to see if acupuncture would help, but the vet was only available a week later. From that day on, she didn't want renal food anymore, and I ended up giving her whatever cat food she wanted to eat, and treats. These were a huge no no from the vets, but I was just happy to see her eat by herself. 

. She became weaker, and had difficulty walking in a span of days. I was so shocked at the fast deterioration. On Saturday, I saw blood drool again and went to the vet for more anti inflammation meds. Sunday,  (25/4), I force fed her in the morning, then went off for church. In the afternoon after church, I went home and found her dead in the bathroom behind the bathtub... that was where she started hiding after she fell ill. That was only 3 weeks from the date of her diagnosis, and the vet had said 3 months.

I feel so guilty because I know I'm the cause of her death. 

1) I shouldn't have given her more anti inflammation meds, as vet said it caused the kidney readings to shoot up

2) I had previously told her to come to my room to let me know she's ready to go. She stopped coming to my room after she fell ill. On Friday, she had stepped in for a minute, but I had brushed it off, telling myself the acupuncture on Monday will help her, and Monday was only a few days away.

If I had listened to her, she wouldn't have died alone. I was prepared to let her go via home euthanasia on her favourite sofa, but now she's gone, and it's all my fault.

If I had been firm with her about the renal food and subcut right from the start, she wouldn't have deteriorated so quickly.

I will never be able to forgive myself for causing her death. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for the loss of your cat.  We often feel guilt with our grief, it's part of it, we feel responsible for them and yet often are in a no-win situation we can't control or it's beyond us.  We don't have the benefit of hindsight when we're in the middle of this, learning as we go, often the hard way.  What would you tell a friend in this situation?  Tell yourself that.  I wish I could relieve some of your inner pain, I know how hard it is.  My sweet beautiful dog, Arlie had acute chronic Colitis his whole life, I got him just before his first birthday and he'd been starving.  I cooked for him, put him on Probios, gave him supplements (he was up to 140 lbs at his highest).  When he was 11 1/2 I took him in for routine teeth cleaning, this was two weeks after he got a clean bill of health on his physical.  Instead he got his death sentence, he had cancer, his liver shut down.  He lived two months ten days longer, I gave him CBD oil and more supplements but he was deteriorating before my eyes, so I had him put to sleep.  The vet under-anesthetized him because his scale was so off he didn't get his weight right.  I watched him go out in the most severe pain!  It broke my heart.  Few would have cared for him as I did, walking him twice a day every day, loving him, playing with him, giving him bellyrubs...but what we think of is "if only" and "what if."  It's as if we are looking for a different possible outcome in our grief.  But do we deserve this inner berating?  No.  We don't give ourselves credit for what we did right, for how much we loved them.

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[pamelanessa]

Thank you for all the links, and the lovely video. I went through all of them and cried reading a few. 

I hope you found closure with Arlie. We always think the medicines are miracle pills, but unfortunately I had to learn the hard way that they only serve to prolong our furbabies' lives. 

I remember my previous cat, Ginger. He had kidney, heart and lung issues. I do not remember what is the illness called, as this was 5 years ago. But I remember the weekly and costly expenses to the vet just to draw out excess water, and the water was always bloodied. It broke my heart, and till today, I still feel the pain when I think of him. He finally stopped eating and drinking, and would just lie on the floor looking utterly miserable. I took him back to the vet and they said, the only way left was to put him on feeding tube. Vet explained that due to his age, and weak organs, he might not survive the operation. If he did, he had to be hospitalized for 9 days and he might not survive that. I asked the vet if it would be better to put him down, and the vet said he could not answer that question. You know, when I was thinking about it, I felt guilt as well. Ginger looked at me and I didn't know if he was asking me to go ahead with the operation or just let him go. And at that point, the song "Say Something" was playing on the radio. I made the decision to put him down, and for a long time after, I hated that song. I made that decision because I didn't want the risk of him dying on the operating table, but I felt it had affected my decision. It took many many months and lots of support from a pet loss group to finally get over it, but until now, I cannot listen to that song without cringing. I never told the vet about the song affecting my mood, but years later when I brought my other cat, Trinity, in for a check up, I realized they had stopped playing music in the clinic. Maybe some brave soul had told them it wasn't appropriate. 

Sometimes I wish I had unlimited money so I can get them all the best treatments. 

Yst in office, I was really bored. It's low peak season for us, so there wasn't anything to do. For many years, I've always wanted a bengal cat. But I've always believed in adopting and not buying. Just out of curiosity, I went to google the cost of a bengal kitten, then went ahead to google if there were any bengal kittens for adoption. I felt like **** after that. It was like I was betraying Maisy by thinking of another cat so soon. 

I have another 2 cats at home. One is 19 and one is 5. The thought of having to go through this pain again another 2 times is unbearable. Maybe I won't bring in anymore pets. 

[KayC]

I would have paid any amount to save Arlie if there had been a way, but there wasn't.  If I had to live in a car with him, I would have, so long as I had him with me.  But alas there was no treating it as the vet didn't catch it in time.  I feel let down by the vet as I always took him in for regular checkups, all his life, I still as WHY he didn't catch it in time!  Esp. since he previous check up had been only two weeks prior!  Granted, it was probably too late then too, but it lets me know he had inadequate vet care.  So I went to another vet to have him euthanized when it was time and they botched it, sending him out in severe pain!  I've lost faith in our veterinary system.  It seems it's all big business and greed now, where are the caring James Herriotts of the world?!

Getting another one does not mean you are betraying them.  If you have love to give, I'd consider it when you feel the time is right.  For me, I tried to adopt another, several times, I got bit six times, lied to by a rescue, another rescue wouldn't even get back to me, it was horrific experiences.  I had about reconciled myself to being alone when my son called, brought me a puppy, he has been a lifesaver to me.  He was a breeder's first batch, and the whole thing about it makes me feel it was a miracle, and maybe Arlie had his paw in it.  He was conceived when Arlie died, born on my birthday.  When my son sent me photos/video, the name Kodie popped into my head...I've never had that happen before.  Unbeknownst to me, the breeder had given him the name Kobie, my son stopped to get a tag made & accidentally typed Kodie, came up with the puppy, papers, tag & collar, and said, "Sorry about the name, you don't have to keep it."  I was stunned!  So Kodie it is.  He's not like Arlie, but he's wormed his way into my heart and has been just what I needed during this Covid isolation.  

My friends had two Bengals, one just passed.  He was a beautiful sweet cat, very affectionate.  They're very smart!  I'm sure they are expensive, but it's possible one could be in rescue too as they can be a handful and some people don't do their homework (like with Huskies) and get one just based on looks, they could be overwhelmed as they don't know how to deal with them.  My friends lucked out as theirs were great housecats.

Getting another Pet
How Long Before Adopting Another?
 

 

[AJWCat]

I'm very sorry to read your story and for your loss. 

[Stef2021]

I understand you very well.. I think most of us feel guilty about something that went wrong with the treatment of our beloved pets. My cat die 2 weeks ago and I still check the reviews in internet for the use of the chemotherapy drugs for cat lymphoma and the side effects. I ask myself every day what really cause the death of my beloved kitty, the treatment? or the disease?. I even send an email to the vet asking her opinion yesterday but she haven't answered.. I keep on looking for a sign that tells me if I did the right thing (or not).

You know, when I think about the guilt and pain that all this is causing I also think about this:  Would you have let her die without treatment at the time she was diagnosed? and the answer is always no, I will do as much as I could to help to recover her health. You did the same, it's says a lot about someone that takes good care of an innocent being and suffers because all the good intentions and resources were not enough to save her life. She died when you were not at home, that is very unfortunate and very sad... but also unpredictable.    

 

 

     

[KayC]

@Stef2021  I am very sorry you also lost your cat.  It's so hard to get used to the absence of all we were used to, the very absence of feeding them, in itself, triggers our grief, it seems everything does.  My cat used to sit next to me in the evening when I was relaxing, very hard to get used to her being gone.  Arlie had been my walking companion for 10 1/2 years, when he was gone, I started walking a neighbor's chow as it was hard to walk alone, but he injured both of my hands leaving me with permanent pain and loss of strength in them both and surgery left me worse off not better.  There was no replacement for Arlie.  But then one day my son brought me a puppy,. Kodie, and honestly, I don't know how I'd have made it through this social isolation without him!  He's not my Arlie, but he's created his own spot in my heart all his own.

I hope you read the articles I've posted above and want to make sure you also have this short video, wishing you some comfort and peace.  

 

[Stef2021]

10 minutes ago, KayC said:

@Stef2021  I am very sorry you also lost your cat.  It's so hard to get used to the absence of all we were used to, the very absence of feeding them, in itself, triggers our grief, it seems everything does.  My cat used to sit next to me in the evening when I was relaxing, very hard to get used to her being gone.  Arlie had been my walking companion for 10 1/2 years, when he was gone, I started walking a neighbor's chow as it was hard to walk alone, but he injured both of my hands leaving me with permanent pain and loss of strength in them both and surgery left me worse off not better.  There was no replacement for Arlie.  But then one day my son brought me a puppy,. Kodie, and honestly, I don't know how I'd have made it through this social isolation without him!  He's not my Arlie, but he's created his own spot in my heart all his own.

I hope you read the articles I've posted above and want to make sure you also have this short video, wishing you some comfort and peace.  

 

KayC, very kind of you, thank so much for taking the time to write to me. Yes, I agree every being in this world is irreplaceable, but animals are so beautiful, pure, innocent, brave and confident, that they don't hesitate to commit their only "crime" which is to steel our hearts every time they have the chance <3. I'm glad to know that Kodie is bringing joy to your life (and hopefully treating your hands kindly), helping you to find your peace and being a good partner in this moment of isolation.

Will be a really happy moment when we meet again with all our pets, on the other side of the rainbow...

Thanks again KayC, appreciate it.  

[KayC]

Yes, he is a sweet little guy, would never hurt a flea, very friendly!  Unfortunately he has been attacked by the same dog and brother (in the same family) that hurt my hands.  I carry Halt Spray on our walks now and warned the owners I would use it if need be.