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My mom was my whole life, life's meaningless now


Saddaughter12

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Saddaughter12

After my father's sudden death 2 years ago, I used to live alone with my mom (I'm an only child) and we were each other's world and reason to live.

My Mom died (I still can't believe I'm writing such a horrible sentence) six months ago due to complications of COVID-19. It was all my fault. I was working at a hospital's emergency room last year. She told me to stop and quit because she was old (still she was otherwise healthy). I just told her I was taking all the right precautions and that everything would be alright. A month later I fell ill, then she followed 3 days later. I recovered after 2 weeks, she just kept getting worse. I took her to a public hospital where they admitted her in the ICU after a couple days. They wouldn't let me see her, not even a video call or just a pic, nothing. I have no other local family members so I was dealing with her medical needs on my own (3rd world country), not getting much sleep or eating much besides what family members from other patients gave to me because they felt pity I was alone. This went on for 5 weeks until she died, I couldn't even say goodbye. This was all my fault, had I listened and quit that job my mom would be here besides me. Life's meaningless now, I just go through the motions, I feel alone in all this and devastated.

I'm 27 years old and it's so painful to see all my friends hanging out with their moms. Distant relatives just tell me to "get over it, that's life's normal cycle" yet they're almost in their 40's married with children and their mom is alive. Has someone out there gone through something similar? Most of all the totally unexpected death of both parents.

I needed to tell this to someone as I can't afford psychological help. Pain is sometimes too much to handle and it gets worse without a support network 

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reader

Dear saddaughter,

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. My deepest sympathies and condolences. Please know you are not alone. It's hard to look back but how could you have known. None of us know what the future will bring and do the best we can in the moment. Sorry for your pain and sorrow. There are many good resources that are available to support you. I hope you find these websites helpful.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Share

Grief Healing 

 

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Channing

Hi Saddaughter12,

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had an close and incredible relationship with your mom. I lost my mom about 5 weeks ago in a mass shooting. I am 25 - near your age and also feel a deep pang of sadness every time a friend of mine is with their mom or talking to her. My mom was truly my best friend and for anyone who says to get over it hasn’t been through something this painful. I don’t think we ever get over it but will hopefully not always feel as if the pain is crushing us. Loosing someone suddenly takes away your ability to say goodbye and I can also share your pain in that. I am so very sorry and know you aren’t alone. 

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Taylor22

Hi Saddaughter12, 

I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this horrible loss, it truly is devastating. I know there’s nothing I can say to comfort you, but just know that you are not alone. I’m 28 and lost my mom suddenly to a massive heart attack a little over a month ago. She was 52 and healthy, no prior health conditions except some gastric problems with acid reflux. My dad also passed away suddenly when I was 17, he died from suicide. I’m also an only child and my mom became my world after my dad passed away, she was my rock and I don’t know how to live without her. I’m absolutely lost and it feels like I’ll never recover from this. We lived together too and we were so close, she was my best friend. I’ve had so much guilt since her death, she was complaining of heartburn a week before and I don’t know why I just didn’t insist on taking her to the hospital (like I would have any other time). 
 

Anyone who tells you to move on is completely heartless, losing a parent so young and in such a tragic/sudden way is a different kind of pain. I’m so sorry people have said those things to you. Every loss is different and every relationship is different, no one can tell you when you’re done grieving. I know this month doesn’t help with Mother’s Day being a few weeks away, I know it hasn’t helped me. Seeing people with their moms just hurts too much and it makes me feel like I was robbed. I try not to be bitter, so I just distance myself from those who still get to celebrate with their mom. Our experiences are different, but similar on some level. I’m here if you ever want to talk.

Taylor 

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LoveEeyore

I’m not sure if this is relatable but back when I was in 8th grade I was supposed to drop my brother off at school in the morning and I was so young and stubborn I was rushing to meet my friends at school and I left my brother outside of his school by accident(I swear I thought he went in) and that day my mom lost her job Bc she had to leave and pick him up. After she lost her job we were literally poor . She was a single mother and had 5 kids but my two older sisters were grown at that time so it was me and my two brothers one was about 3 and my other was 6 or 7. Once I got home and my mom told me I was like oh ok I didn’t know ....( totally ignoring how serious the situation was ) a few months went by and we got evicted and had to stay with my oldest sister in her one bedroom that she lived in with her baby father and her son that had cerebral palsy and other issues determined at birth. My nephew had a 24 hour nurse so the house was hectic. As time went I became depressed little by little but I knew my mom was going to make things better so I didn’t stress it . This was my summer before high school and my mom told me I couldn’t go back to school in the town we were previously living in Bc of what had happened. After a summer of sadness and suffering my mom found an apartment in a town I wasn’t comfortable going to school so I ended up dropping out for about a month my freshman year .... don’t get me wrong I went and tried to see how the school was and I had so many issues within my first few days it was very dangerous and uncomfortable for me considering I had only went to school in a town far from this one and the entire demeanor of everything was different . So after a week I stopped going and my mom told me if I didn’t go to school that dyfs was going to come and take us so I went for only for the sake of my brothers and mom . But one day I had been put in an uncomfortable situation with a guy in the hallway and I was scared to tell my mom so I ignored it but then the guy wouldn’t stop so I ended up telling my mom and she told me if I really couldn’t handle it just don’t go and I stopped ... my last day of school was on a Friday and my mom died in her sleep that following Monday .... I can’t help but blame myself for everything .My mom was my entire life and after she died I felt as if she took me with her and now I’m just a stray puppy still to this day trying to figure myself out . It’s literally been 5 years and this story replays in my head every day.... I can’t forgive myself. I was about 14 turning 15 and now I’m 20 and depressed.

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Elizabeth711

Hi Saddaughter12,

I have lost my mom also. She died on April 23, 2021. Since she did not have Covid I was able to be in the ICU with her so I was lucky in that way. I understand about feeling you have no reason to go on. My Mom and I were very close and we lived together for many years, I was her caregiver. She had myasthenia gravis and heart issues. I work with the public so I was so worried about her getting Covid from me. I was washing my hands nonstop and sanitizing everything. I was so worried about Covid taking her life but she died with heart failure and from the myasthenia gravis. I feel that I failed to take good care of her and I wished I had pushed her to the doctor more but she just hated going. I am upset everyday. Also I am dealing with the possibility of losing my home. I have a lot of bills and it will be difficult to stay but I do not want to sell the house. It is exhausting each day to get up and to try to go through things, handle all the calls, work, and just get through the day.

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7 hours ago, Elizabeth711 said:

...I wished I had pushed her to the doctor more but she just hated going.

Dear @Elizabeth711, It's hard; but there are times when we must be firm with those we love, though it might be against their will. It is the hope that they will come to see it in time that it was for their good. But if they do not, we must not blame ourselves; for we did all we were able to do for them. I am sorry for your loss. Be well, @TLN.

 

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Shreya97

Hi saddaughter,

Wanted to let you know that you are not in this alone. I lost my mom when I was 19 and things have not been same after that. It's natural to feel yourself responsible for her loss. I did the same too. She died due to kidney failure, you know she used to say "I'm not gonna live much" and we never took that seriously, we were in denial, she wanted to do so much for me, even the smallest things. I went to other city for my studies and she knew she was not allowed to go out of stations much as her health would get affected but still she came to visit me. Naturally it lead to worsening of her health. I still feel if only she hadn't come to visit me, she might have lived longer. I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself for doing this to her in this life. 

Its mothers day today. As much as I have missed her, I have grown to become jealous of those who get to enjoy this day with their mothers, whole feed is filled with mom related quotes and happy pictures and I cant help thinking about only if she would have been here, I wouldn't be dealing with this heavy heart. Its been 4 years and it was around this time only she was admitted in ICU. I remember I went to visit her for 15 mins in ICU and wished her mother's day and she said "I think I'm not gonna come alive from here"

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Zheljko

Hi, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I am also an orphan at 35, all my friends have parents alive, most have both, some only one, but I am an only orphan in my circle. I also live in a third world country (Serbia). My mom died a long time ago from ALS, which we battled for 3 years. My father was the one to lean on during that period, and even later. He was a healthy man, and active, contracted covid last November and died in December after a month of hoping, getting worse, getting better, seemingly recovering and then suddenly being put on ventilator where he passed after 5 days. I had to sort all the things by myself, I am still sorting it all out. I had to grieve by myself because all other people want to "help" me by telling me not to be sad and so negative about the world, so I ended up handling it all by myself, inside. Books helped me, as well as therapy, and also facebook groups dedicated to family members of covid victims. It still hurts to go out in the world, see how your friends have parents, and their children have at least one grand-parent or both, my kid has none from my side. I cannot say I completely understand you, as everyone is different in their pain, but surely you are not alone! 

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Chemex

So sorry and completely sad for what you are going through, I completely understand what you’re going through, as something similar happened to me. The main difference being I lost my mother first and then my father due to covid. Sure it has been five years since my mom passed away, but the pain is still there. However, time does help cope but have to admit that it is a lengthy and difficult process which I’m still going through. 

On to my father that recently passed away from covid within one week. My father never really left the house and relied on me to get groceries and everything else. I never worked in a hospital like yourself, as I was just working from home. I took this covid thing seriously and followed all regulations. However, I caught it some how and must have gave it to my father. So now I feel guilty looking back at what I did wrong. The point is I don’t know where I went wrong and either do you as you followed all regulations. Talked to a grievance counsellor and that’s what they told me. They told me I shouldn’t feel guilty as long as you tried your best in protecting yourself against this invisible virus. However, I am having a difficult time believing that as I always ask myself what if, could have and should have. My doctor and other people told me that I shouldn’t  blame myself either. I’d like to believe that but I’m not there yet, at least for now.
 

I as well have distant relatives who said insensitive things like “it was his time”, Phrases  like that are uncalled for and make the whole grieving process that much more difficult. 
 

The hardest part now is somehow finding the strength to move on, which by far is going to be very difficult. I do however remember when my passed away that it took many, many steps. For starters, I remember not staying home too often and always walking which took my mind off things. It will not be easy initially, but I really hope you find a way to cope in this grieving period. 
 

 

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My Momma

I just lost my mom unexpectedly and cannot believe it ~ and the depth of my sorrow is so deep and incomprehensible. My Faith will get me through but know full well this transition of grief and loss comes in waves and I fell like I’m drowning. Collective Prayers for you and all those wading these waters, to cope well. 

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LostDaughter2021

@Shreya97 Same here. I have friends complaining about their mom and I’m so envious. What I wouldn’t give to hug my mom again. When my mom was in the hospital she said, “I don’t think I’m going to make it this time.” But she was a downer about a lot of things so I told her she would be fine. She wasn’t fine. 

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DanLight

My mom passed away april 12th in hospital after she got a complication after an operation. It was suddenly and unexpectedly because my mom felt fine before, though there were some health issues that needed to be fixed so that's why she went there. My mom said to me on the phone that she's gonna pull through, unfortunately that didn't happen and after that my world changed. But she also said how to go about  the funeral in case of the worst case scenario and I'm also very glad for that. She was only 58 years young and full of life, with many plans for the future and things to do. I'm 28 and we always been together ( I lived without a father ) and been each other's support and simply everything. She was my world, but she wanted me to find "a girl of my life" and start a family as soon as possible and she wanted to see her grandchildren so much... It's incredibly hard without her, i miss everything about her. I hope when it's my time then we will be together once more.

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Dear Saddughter12,

I am going through similar situation.

i lost my dad to heart attack on 2003. it was so sudden, during that time i was studying in college. My mum was there for us through the thick and thin after dad passed away. Now, I lost my mother on 15th of May 2021 to Covid-19.

We went to attend her brother's last rights when he died of covid-19, we took all the precautions possible. After returning from there Mum got covid-19 symptoms she was taking medicines for one week, then her oxygen level started dropping so we had to admit her in the hospital. The following 17 days were hell for me. I could not talk to her or see her. She was in pain because of the urine bag and the breathlessness she had. I cannot see my mum in pain at all, this 17 days she was suffering inside covid-19 ICU and I was suffering outside. Not having enough sleep and eating bare minimum. 

My mum was my whole world. she left for heavenly abode and I am left with this massive void, guilt and pain of seeing mum suffer for 17 days.

I keep saying she is resting and she is with the heavenly father now. It rarely helps. 

It took me decades to come to term with Dad's death and now loosing Mum. This pain is unbearable. I need help to get through this. 

 

    

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