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I lost someone I loved, and never got to tell him. 

  Two years ago the world lost an amazing soul. This boy was outgoing, social, friendly to everyone he met, and so easy to love. His smile was infectious, his selflessness was beautiful, and his personality was infectious. I loved this boy... I loved him from the moment I met him, and he never knew. 

  I could talk to him for hours, think about him for days, and dream about him for a lifetime, but I couldn’t find the courage to make it known. I was too afraid of rejection and too afraid of finding out what he could have felt for me. I wasted every moment I had with him and every chance I could have taken to just find out what could have been. 

  I allowed my lack of confidence to prevent me from saying this out loud and now I’ve lost the only opportunity I will ever have. 

  He’s gone. 

  This perfect human being took his own life and my heart with him. He left this world 3/28/19 in a hotel room in a closet hanging by his phone cord. 

  This perfect boy who I loved with everything in me, didn’t love himself and fought a battle no one ever knew was causing him pain. He faked happiness and tried to cover up the pain with alcohol and dangerous behavior, but everyone thought he was just fun... I didn’t see it, and I hate myself for not seeing it. 

  I think about him, I dream about him, I cry about him, and I hate myself for not being able to save him. My heart is broken. Like nothing I have ever experienced before, I feel lost and confused. Who do I talk to? Who could ever understand? You’d have to know just how much I loved this boy and just how stupid I am for never telling him. 

  I can’t reach out to anyone and I can’t explain our friendship. I can’t tell anyone that I hurt every single day over a boy that wasn’t mine, over a boy that didn’t even know I loved him... who would understand that? 

  I tell myself, “take a breath, don’t think about it”. Then I wake up on days like today and fight to remember my dream where I was able to save him, where I got to hold him and tell him I’m there for him... I want to live in that dream, I don’t ever want to wake up from that dream... but here I am, ruined again by how much my heart aches for him throughout the day, the weeks, the months, and years. 

  I will never get the chance, to tell him I love him, and I am now struggling to make of seconds without hurting. 

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