It's been a week and each day seems harder not easier

[Markies liz]

I just got home from work and I'm reading all these posts from today...I'm in tears because I'm so happy everyone is feeling their loved ones around them and getting signs from them. My heart breaks for you all I feel like we are all in this together! Shooting stars, hugs, kisses, dimes, dreams how truely beautiful...even Mark's loud snoring sounded so beautiful to me.   I'm crying like a baby right now just so lonely and missing on him but he will give me more signs and comfort ...I just know he will.  I can hear him saying babe dont cry and wiping my tears.  He always teased me I was the most emotional person he had ever met.  Oh how I wish he could wipe my tears right now.  I'm in the spare room again tonight because I just cant sleep in our bed all of a sudden again it hurts too much.  I sound like a broken record but I'm so happy I came to this site u r all beautiful people! Thanku all for all the support .  Hugs to u all!!!! 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

For me today is officially 6 months to the day that the love of my life passed away. I miss her more than anything and my heart still aches for her. Yesterday I asked her to give me a kiss as I missed that very much, and this morning I dreamt of her and she did give me a kiss in the dream. To me, if that's not a sign from her, then I don't know what is. Today, I found another dime in my jacket pocket.  It seems like dimes have been popping up everywhere lately.

(((hugs)))

[Markies liz]

Hey everyone,

So I'm laying here cant sleep which sucks because I have to be ready for work soon.  I had been doing somewhat ok for a few days and now the last 2 days and right now it's so wierd it's like I'm being resort all over again...I sobbed lastnight like I sobbed the day it happened.   I didnt expect at all to be feeling like rehurt...of course I've been hurting this whole time however it's like I'm refeeling everything I felt the first few days.  I've never wanted anything so bad in my life like i want mark back and that's the silliest thing because i obvious cant have him back.  I dont know how to deal with this pain.  I keep thinking I have it figured out and then it's like I get repunched in the gut and I'm all kinds of sad and hurt again.  I feel so lonely.  I have family and friends around but some of them have clearly checked out of their patience with me grieving, some dont knw what to say or do, and some make it harder when they think they are helping the situation.  So I guess that's why I'm posting this cuz I just I'm lost guys....I'm so hurt, I cant stop crying again.  I want a sign from mark again.  I just feel like a burden on the world with my emotions .   Please send some positive prayer or thoughts my way to help me push thru my days.  I will do the same for u all.  You are all amazing people for going thru this and living each day no matter how we all deal with it.  I suppose I better try to get some kind of rest for a few minutes before work so I dont look so silly with my big puffy eyes from all the crying.  Have a good day everyone! Hugs ...Mark's liz

[steveb]

Markies Liz,  I’m getting ready to go to work myself. What you are feeling is what I felt myself.  All of us here have felt that gut wrenching and stifling pain of loss. Remember, you are not alone. I will send prayers and positive thoughts your way.  I know you have heard it before, but please take care of yourself.   Focus on yourself.  And, you will feel better eventually. Please keep us updated.  Back at you with the hugs!  Steve

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Markies liz said:

Please send some positive prayer or thoughts my way to help me push thru my days.

You've got it, I am so sorry it hurts so much, we've all been there...or are there.  It can hit afresh at any time, we ride the waves of grief and I've learned to let it be what it will and go with it.  Couldn't stop it if I tried.

[Bonnie Vanbuskirk]

12 hours ago, Markies liz said:

Hey everyone,

So I'm laying here cant sleep which sucks because I have to be ready for work soon.  I had been doing somewhat ok for a few days and now the last 2 days and right now it's so wierd it's like I'm being resort all over again...I sobbed lastnight like I sobbed the day it happened.   I didnt expect at all to be feeling like rehurt...of course I've been hurting this whole time however it's like I'm refeeling everything I felt the first few days.  I've never wanted anything so bad in my life like i want mark back and that's the silliest thing because i obvious cant have him back.  I dont know how to deal with this pain.  I keep thinking I have it figured out and then it's like I get repunched in the gut and I'm all kinds of sad and hurt again.  I feel so lonely.  I have family and friends around but some of them have clearly checked out of their patience with me grieving, some dont knw what to say or do, and some make it harder when they think they are helping the situation.  So I guess that's why I'm posting this cuz I just I'm lost guys....I'm so hurt, I cant stop crying again.  I want a sign from mark again.  I just feel like a burden on the world with my emotions .   Please send some positive prayer or thoughts my way to help me push thru my days.  I will do the same for u all.  You are all amazing people for going thru this and living each day no matter how we all deal with it.  I suppose I better try to get some kind of rest for a few minutes before work so I dont look so silly with my big puffy eyes from all the crying.  Have a good day everyone! Hugs ...Mark's liz

Same here... I lost my husband and a car accident March 17 2021. Married Over 30 years. Just leaving work and I got a phone call but he was dead.. I am riding the waves of grief I am totally broken. Take take one day at a time and take care of myself. Please take care of yourself and remember you are not alone. 

[Markies liz]

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts.  I keep breaking down alot today and I'm greatful to hear these things from u all because I keep thinking I'm weak for letting myself get so down and sad but I have to keep reminding myself its gonna take a lot longer than 3 weeks to not be so sad everyday.  Bonnie V I'm so sorry for ur loss.  What a horrible phone call u had to take that day.  I feel like the first few days maybe even first few weeks when it's so sudden and a tragedy it's like it takes that lock to get past the shock and process the loss.  30 years together how beautiful.  I'm sure u have amazing memories to hold too.  You ALL are so strong and you ALL are amazing rocks for me to learn on! Thank God for this site.  Tonight as silly as it sounds I had fallen asleep early on the recliner and i woke up to messages from Mark's mom and also his dad accepted my friend request....as silly as this all may sound I was earlier tonight crying to my friend and telling him I need his parents to help me get thru this and i hadn't heard from them in a while and I woke up with messages from them just before and I'm so happy.  Even tho markie is gone my relationship with his parents means so much to me.  I knw they are going thru some crazy emotions and need their time and space also especially because mark was their only child.  So I feel like markie helped me out tonight❤  sleep well everyone ....you are all beautiful people and my new friends I've been blessed with

[Bonnie Vanbuskirk]

On 4/24/2021 at 12:16 AM, Gina Mahlan said:

Markies Liz       I truly believe that our loved ones try to communicate with us to let us know they are near, watching over us.  His snoring was a good indication of that.  I've have had a few incidents like that since my honey passed 1 year ago.  Both times I was sitting at my kitchen table, on my laptop, when suddenly an overwhelming scent totally surrounded me.  It was the exact scent of my honey's cologne that he loved.  I fully expected him to be behind me. It frightened me at first, I was thinking maybe I was finally going over the edge.  The next time, same surrounding when the sense of how he used to smell after being out working in the garage or on his car came over me.  In real life, that was when I would say, whoa, you need a shower.  There was no mistaking that smell.  It was then I realized both times it had to be him, letting me know he was ok.  Experts in the afterlife tell us the closest we are to our loved ones is when we are asleep and dreaming.  I am so sorry that you are going through this, this is still very raw for you like it was for all of us at the beginning.. Probably none of us believed it when we were told things will get better, I surely thought no way will that happen, but it will.  Remember, we are only parted from the love of our lives for a short time........we will see them again someday and then no one will separate us.  

Agree, Spirit is all around us. I always talk to my husband since his past March 1, 2021. I always ask for him.  I am open to spirit. In sleep I also feel we are closer and in dreams. 

[steveb]

7 hours ago, Bonnie Vanbuskirk said:

Spirit is all around us

I believe this also.  I still consider what my wife would do in certain situations.  We’re still partners. I just happen to be the one on earth:). 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Bonnie Vanbuskirk said:

Same here... I lost my husband and a car accident March 17 2021. Married Over 30 years. Just leaving work and I got a phone call but he was dead.. I am riding the waves of grief I am totally broken. Take take one day at a time and take care of myself. Please take care of yourself and remember you are not alone. 

Bonnie, I am so sorry for your loss, I remember those early days all too well, I was in shock, my head in a grief fog, II felt frantic, needed to talk to someone but all of our friends disappeared overnight.  I hope you have a good support system.  I want to welcome you here, although if any of us had a choice, there'd be no need...
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Markies liz]

Hey everyone 

Yesterday was 3 weeks since my tragedy began.  I have moments that last maybe a few hours at a time that I do ok, just to be broken down again.  3 weeks seems an eternity...I dont know how you all have gotten thru it.  When I hear how long some of you have lived without your love my heart just breaks.  You are all so tremendously strong! As the days go on even tho I'm so sad I still keep trying and I consider these small victories when I can make it a few hours not being focused only on my loss.  I am embarrassed to admit this but today I had what I consider a success.  I cleaned my house for the first time since he passed away.   I still havent done anything with his things.. and I clean around them.  I dont know when or if I will ever be ready to move his things.  I met with a lady today to start volunteering my time to a few different local organizations  to help keep my mind busy and to just help in general.   This is so hard.  Today was hard...today was so hard ...lots of tears.  I've never missed someone so much ever ...I feel bad for always coming here to say such sad things usually.  Coming here is like writing in a journal and I feel like it's such a safe place to put my thoughts and feelings.  Thank you all again for being a great community. Hope you are all doing great.   Hugs...markies liz

[Sparky1]

12 minutes ago, Markies liz said:

..I feel bad for always coming here to say such sad things usually.

Markies liz, you're not alone and coming here to tell us how you're feeling will help you. For me this forum has been like a companion that patiently listens and only gives good advice. 

It's been a tough little while for me as well, it seems like that grief had lost the scab that was forming and it is raw once again. I miss my wife with all my being, it is very painful at times. I'm glad you're doing things to keep you occupied, even for little gaps of time.

[ZuzuzPetalz]

Having a hard time tonight after posting today for the first time here.  It has been since September last year for me.  Really not wanting to be alone tonight.  Been talking and texting with a good friend, she was my matron of honor at our wedding.  I echo the sentiment I read here of the feeling that everyone has moved on.  I haven’t.  Some days I do better than others with coping.  My therapist has had me writing down positive affirmations every day for a month and that has been helpful, but I have lapsed into not doing that the past few days.  Yesterday I just picked at things and didn’t really accomplish much of anything except eating, taking my medications, and changing clothes.  That was just the best I could do. Today had been similar except I joined this forum and reached out.

[Markies liz]

Welcome Zuzuz Petalz, I think I speak for everyone when I say I'm so glad you joined this forum.  It is so comforting reaching out and having the support.  My heart breaks for you when you say you dont want to be alone tonight.  I know the feeling.  I mentioned in past messages that I sometimes cant even be in our bed.  I have to go to the spare room...or I will drive for hours destination nowhere just to not be in the house alone.  Sparky 1 you hit the nail on the head about the feeling being raw once again.  I was talking with the lady for these groups I'm going to be helping  and we were discussing grieving and how everyone grieves differently and she said you know it's ok to want to be sad.  You need to be sad and let your true feelings be expressed.  It is so helpful to have people to understand it and let you say and think what you want.  And never dismiss any emotion you are feeling. This has become my journal kinda and It definitely helps me get some of my feelings out.  I forgot to tell you all I ordered flowers for markies mom today to be delivered thursday or Friday...markie was her only child and mothers day will be so hard for her.  So I sent flowers but i didnt write happy mothers day on the card nor did I have them use a mother's day card.  I dont feel like that wld b appropriate.  She knows what they r for and I wrote her a little message of being strong etc.  I hope she likes them.  I think its ironic so many of us have had a really tough past few days...we can get thru them together! Zuzuz Petalz be strong tonight! I.will be hoping and praying for you to feel some peace tonight...for us all to feel some peace tonight

hugs to you all

markies liz

[AnnRA]

Hi All and Welcome Zuzuz Petalz.  I don’t post often but read new posts every day.  This is 6 months for me and I am so very sad. Zuzuz, I totally understand when you do not think you are not getting anything done — you are, in ways you cannot see, beginning to process this terrible thing that has happened.  

And good on you, Markie’s Liz, I think you said that you are going to do volunteer work? That has helped me tremendously.  Don’t be afraid of trying different volunteer activities until you find what is right for you.  Some things just did not fit for me, until I found other activities — you will know when something feels right to keep doing.     And I think that is amazing that you did the housework.  I can only do small bits at a time — quickly and superficially, because i cannot think too long about it....

Sparky I feel like your heartbreak so mirrors mine.  I lost my husband 2 weeks after you lost your wife.  This week has been hard, as I have returned to my previous job, on a new contract.  Things have changed so much since early last year!  Everyone works at home most days and I am SO lonely in what used to be a busy, friendly large office.  I am stunned by how the world has changed, even as my own world was devastated...

I keep finding it is indeed best to keep busy, and eat/sleep properly.  I hav been on a mild sleep aid for 8 months now, and that is essential for my wellbeing.  My dr says all is ok with that, so DO get meds.  

I really appreciate everyone’s comments from the heart, and hopefully we will all get stronger with each others support.  Peace and hugs to you all and I hope you get rest.   

 

 

 

 

[Markies liz]

I wanna quickly say something about smthn I have been going back and forth on.  I have not been sleeping...if I do it's for a few hours then I'm up thinking and crying most the time then before I knw it Its time.for work and I'm like a zombie because I'm on auto pilot from being so exhausted.  There is sometimes a stigma about any kinds if meds to help.  I think it is time I look into using somthing to help me get rest.  I cant keep on being so exhausted day in and day out.  Sometimes I'm so exhausted I literally like start to cry when i have to work because it is so hard to get up.  Thanku all for being so open about everything.  AnnRA I'm so sorry u have been so sad lately ....my heart goes out to u. Thanku for sharing with us all 

Hugs everyone,

Good night

Markies liz

[Markies liz]

Good morning all,

Gtta head to work but I wanna say I had a dream lastnight about markie.  He all of a sudden was back here with me and I hugged him so tight and wldnt stop cuddling with him.  I begged him to never leave me again and he said he wldnt.  I woke up and I was literally so sad that it was all a dream.  I guess maybe I should try to consider it him coming to snuggle in my dreams. Anyways it has me all emotional now.  Hope u all got some peaceful sleep lastnight and I hope you all have a great day. 

Hugs to u all

Markies liz

 

[steveb]

Hugs to you as well:).

I’m getting ready for work. I have a bit of latitude when I arrive thank God because some mornings I think about my wife and feel like blowing it off.  Ever since my Chong passed, I’ve been reflecting on what is really important in life. Chong gave me love and strength everyday. I was blessed to have experienced it. It truly takes time to process the passing of our loved ones and everyone does it at a different rate. 

Time to motivate myself to get ready for work:)  I hope everyone has a great day too  

Steve

 

 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Markies liz said:

Coming here is like writing in a journal and I feel like it's such a safe place to put my thoughts and feelings.

Good for you for volunteering, it's definitely a win/win!  You are right, it will help you as you focus on others and also are doing something positive.  Few of us have the problem of circumventing our grief, it finds us and haunts us!

Don't feel bad for posting sad thoughts, they're bound to be.  (((hugs)))

[KayC]

11 hours ago, AnnRA said:

This is 6 months for me and I am so very sad.

This is one of the toughest times as reality has set in, support goes home...

Six Month Mark and Six Month Mark

9 hours ago, Markies liz said:

I have not been sleeping.

Don't feel bad about getting help from the doctor for it.  I struggled way too long on my own, with a long commute, it was very hard and I'm lucky I didn't fall asleep at the wheel.  Now I take Trazodone 50 mg 1/2 hour before bedtime.

[Suzanne Cooke]

My darling has been dead now for 2 1/2 years.  It has NOT gotten easier!  I still cry every day, I wake up in the night crying.  I talk to him.  Sometimes I think he answers me.  We had always promised to haunt each other.

The very best thing that happened to me was that my doctor made a unilateral decision that I needed mental health hospitalization.  There was no choice - it was go voluntarily or by force.  Boy was I angry.  I was contemplating killing myself to be with him.  Today, I know that my doctor saved my life.

My best advice:  Get out of bed every day.  Eat something (even if you throw up right away).  Wash.  Put on clean clothes.  Take care of the animals.  Keep a journal.  See a doctor - preferably a mental health specialist.  Talk about him, write about him.  Love him.

[Suzanne Cooke]

Try this song.  It always makes me cry, but it makes me know I CAN go on.

https://youtu.be/1HrLJiH_JzU

 

[Markies liz]

So after an emotional start to my day from my dream...the whole day was emotional.  I had some customers (I was waitressing today) ask me what my necklace was.  I told them it's actually a heart that mark gave me and I added a ring his parents gave me that was his when he was younger with his initials.  After telling them this I had to walk away and fight back tears.  But I got myself together quickly and kept working .   The whole day my leg had been hurting  and it felt different than normal.  My legs usually have some aches and pains but I knew smthn wasnt right.  I went to e.r. later in the afternoon n they found a blood clot in my leg.  I was laying in the hospital bed all alone and I just started crying for mark.  It was another realization that I have alot of hard moments to go thru in life without him.  I felt insanely lonely not being able to tell him what was going on and having him tell me it will be ok I'll take care of u. I pretty much havent stopped crying since about 5 o'clock.  I'm having a serious meltdown and I need to get it together.  I am at home now, I'm not supposed to work tmrw, which honestly I'm not looking forward too because I dont wanna sit in this house alone and think and drive myself crazy.  It seems everyday instead of getting better it's just more sinking reality of how hard this will be and how I will never let him go.  Hugs to u all

Markies liz

[LMR]

2 hours ago, Markies liz said:

So after an emotional start to my day from my dream...the whole day was emotional.  I had some customers (I was waitressing today) ask me what my necklace was.  I told them it's actually a heart that mark gave me and I added a ring his parents gave me that was his when he was younger with his initials.  After telling them this I had to walk away and fight back tears.  But I got myself together quickly and kept working .   The whole day my leg had been hurting  and it felt different than normal.  My legs usually have some aches and pains but I knew smthn wasnt right.  I went to e.r. later in the afternoon n they found a blood clot in my leg.  I was laying in the hospital bed all alone and I just started crying for mark.  It was another realization that I have alot of hard moments to go thru in life without him.  I felt insanely lonely not being able to tell him what was going on and having him tell me it will be ok I'll take care of u. I pretty much havent stopped crying since about 5 o'clock.  I'm having a serious meltdown and I need to get it together.  I am at home now, I'm not supposed to work tmrw, which honestly I'm not looking forward too because I dont wanna sit in this house alone and think and drive myself crazy.  It seems everyday instead of getting better it's just more sinking reality of how hard this will be and how I will never let him go.  Hugs to u all

Markies liz

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I felt the same way when I fell and broke my wrist 2 months ago. I just needed my husband to hold my hand. My first day of therapy when the physio took hold of my hand I just burst into tears. It was really painful but that was not what made me cry. It was the memory, the longing. We were constantly touching, hugging. It was a natural thing for us and here was this guy squeezing my hand so hard I wanted to scream. I too felt insanely lonely.

Any problems give me a melt down. I went to a notary today to get a copy of my marriage certificate required by the pension office. Apparently it is illegal to certify a BMD document in my state! I felt exhausted afterwards. I could sort out anything while he was beside me but alone everything is so very hard.

Hugs.

[Markies liz]

Well, I cried myself to sleep tonight. Woke up about 20 minutes ago and just went right back to crying.  I'm sobbing as i type this.  I dont knw why I cant stop.  I literally am exhausted yet again.  A few times tonight I asked God why he had me go in and find this blood clot, why not let me come be with markie.  I know that's probably a selfish thought. But how can my heart not yearn to be with mark.  My family and friends I beleive are at the point where they feel bad but simply cant understand why I'm still so hurt.   I'm really kinda over hearing from people well at least you weren't married yet.  I domt understand why just cuz we never got our chance to be married tho we planned on it that means we didnt love each other as much or it's just a dismiss able hurt.  We beleived we were soul mates and crazy in love, we dont need a signed paper to make our love real.   LMR, I'm sorry for your wrist and I hope  its doimg better.  Yes any problems big or small I felt like super woman just having mark by my side.  Now I'm so lost the simplest of tasks feel like climbing mountains I'm no where close to equipped for.  I kmw exactly what u mean too about crying not for the pain in ur wrist but for the pain of.not having him with you.  I was told tonight I dont have to be so upset about this clot it will be ok etc.  Its not the clot I'm truely upset about.  It's the fact I have to deal with it without mark.  Gosh I'm blabbering now, if you all havent noticed I chat alot and I'm super sorry for it ...mark always called me his little motor mouth and said i talked enough for the both of us lol.  I should probably try to sleep more so i stop crying. Again, Thank you all for letting me blab away here and letting me cry to you all in messages.  I am so exhausted I need to try to sleep.  You are all amazing! Sleep peacefully! 

Hugs to you all

Markies liz

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Suzanne Cooke said:

My darling has been dead now for 2 1/2 years.  It has NOT gotten easier!  I still cry every day, I wake up in the night crying.  I talk to him.  Sometimes I think he answers me.  We had always promised to haunt each other.

The very best thing that happened to me was that my doctor made a unilateral decision that I needed mental health hospitalization.  There was no choice - it was go voluntarily or by force.  Boy was I angry.  I was contemplating killing myself to be with him.  Today, I know that my doctor saved my life.

My best advice:  Get out of bed every day.  Eat something (even if you throw up right away).  Wash.  Put on clean clothes.  Take care of the animals.  Keep a journal.  See a doctor - preferably a mental health specialist.  Talk about him, write about him.  Love him.

Thank you for sharing that..  You gave some good practical advice.  One thing I glean from this is our grief journey evolves...in the beginning it seems insurmountable, but little by little we begin to adjust...it takes more time than we could ever imagine, but if people just hold on, there can be a glimmer on the horizon...eventually.  Hold on until then.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Markies liz said:

I was laying in the hospital bed all alone and I just started crying for mark

I am so sorry, to go through this alone is so hard.  Let yourself cry, you have good reason!  Maybe eat some comfort food, watch a no-brainer movie, talk to someone supportive, come here.   I remember going through surgery alone, my kids didn't even check on me, but my friend from my other grief forum did, she called me in recovery.  What's weird is my heart stopped on the operating table (they over-anesthetized me, didn't check my weight beforehand even though I'd told them to).  They kept losing me in recovery too, I had an NDE and felt I could have gone but tried my best to stay for my dog and cat...both of which are gone now.  Going home all alone with no one to help me was very hard.  I didn't know when I sat down if I could get up!  I'd planned for someone to check on me but it didn't come through.  The promised meal didn't materialize either so I went hungry.  I couldn't bend, stretch, and everything I'd prepared ahead of time, well they handed me a DIFFERENT list upon exit!  I reckon they assumed my husband could just run to the store...

Thank you for this! 

 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, LMR said:

I felt the same way when I fell and broke my wrist 2 months ago. I just needed my husband to hold my hand.

Been there!  It is times like this it hits so hard!  I feel a real need for him in those hard places.    I'm sorry, I know it takes a couple of months to heal and can be tricky.  I remember how hard it was getting groceries in/out of my car!  I waited at Costco for 1/2 hour for someone to come help me, they never did, I finally managed to roll the 40 lb bag into my trunk from the cart, and at home I rolled it from the trunk into my wheelbarrow, took it to the back door and dumped it in the door.  Driving my stick shift car was super hard, I finally went to an automatic after a couple of falls.

[Markies liz]

Anyone experience this or is this unique.  My relationship with markies parents really actually started like we got pretty close after mark passed I'm sure because we were going his things forms few days together.  His folks and I were in contact very often and it kinda had been helping me heal to have this relationship with them.  Anyways, me and his mom were. messaging on monday and then I hadn't heard from her since.  Rewind to monday i got off the phone with her and I was thinking mothers day would b hard and so I ordered her flowers and had them sent today cuz I didnt want them on mothers day cuz that would b too sad and I didnt put happy mothers day on it or anything.  Just because she will b so sad about it.  We both love flowers and it drove markie nuts that we did lol so she got the flowers today and she messaged me tonight thanking me for them and then saying she needs a break from me because it's too hard it makes her think of mark when we talk even if we dont talk about him.  I understand it probably does.  He was their only child.  So I knw this will.be super hard.  I knw she is really struggling with this.  I just felt like a wierd wrench in my stomach when she said it hurts too much to talk to me for a few different reasons.  I told her to take all the time she needs and I will let her contact me when she is ready ...but ugh it kinda hurts .  But if it's what she needs for her healing I will absolutely respect that ...its just such a double edge sword because ironically it was helping me to talk to them.    I need to remeber everyone grieves and heals differently.  I selfishly am kinda hurt 

Hugs  

Markies liz 

Let me also add I dont have children so I dont know a grieving mothers pain either.  

[KayC]

@Markies liz  (((hugs)))  You are very sweet and thoughtful.  A close friend of mine just lost her only grandson yesterday...he stopped breathing a few days ago and they rushed him to the hospital, it damaged his brain, the hospital took him off support and at three months he passed last night.  I can't imagine their pain, her daughter and grandson lived with her.  She was back and forth with the dad at his parents' place.  This would have been her first Mother's Day and to have it fresh on the tail of losing him, I just don't know how she'll get through this week, let alone from here on out.  My heart is broken for little Evan.  I don't understand, I don't understand anything.  Life is beyond unfair and cruel sometimes.

Mother's Day can be a hard day for some.  I don't usually hear much from my kids anymore, so we'll see, my son is busy with his wife/family.  My daughter's life has been a nightmare for over four years, I think she wants to spare me, but of course that can't happen, I know she's in inner pain.  I just pray we all get through this weekend okay...  My heart goes out to you today.

[Diane R. E.]

Kay; my heart breaks for your friend and the mother of little Evan - that is SO unfair. Markies liz; I am sorry that Markies mother is choosing to take space from you. You are not selfish for being hurt by it. You are right, everyone grieves in their own way, but it seems like the two of you would be good support for each other. (((hugs)))

[KayC]

Thank you, say a prayer for my friend Polly (her only grandchild) and Nicole...esp. as we're heading into what WOULD have been her first Mother's Day.

 

[Markies liz]

Oh my gosh kay, how sad. I will also absolutley pray for your friends.  Things like that are just so hard to comprehend why it happened.  Sometimes I wonder what's worse...knowing ur losing your loved one or unexpectedly losing them...neither being easier but sometimes I wonder if it wld have been harder for me if mark was sick and I had to wonder everyday what was gonna happen.   I had a close friend lose her first baby in her womb the day before she was to be induced.  The umbilical cord wrapped around her little baby and that was it.  That was about 7 years ago and she is still not at peace with it completley.  Again I cant imagine the pain a parent feels losing their child because i dont have children.   Diane, you are so correct, my relationship with his parents has really been helping me thru this and I guess that's why I'm so upset about it.   One thing that happens and I domt know that she does it on purpose is it seems one moment she wants a relationship and says it helps her and the next moment she wants space from me.  I think that up and down rollercoaster of emotions with her is hard on me too.  Yesterday was the first time she bluntly said I need space.  Prior to this if i felt she needed space i let her be.  I guess it just sucks for a lack of a better term because it sometimes feels when our relationship is helping her she supports it and when she gets down or if I try to talk about something with her for my healing she doesnt wanna do it....idk I feel like I sound so insanely childish and selfish saying these things.   I guess I will give her all the time she needs...I also hope this means they all of a sudden dont include me in the spreading of his ashes at their house.  I'm honestly becoming nervous about that now.   And they had promised me some ashes and idk I'm really started to get some anxiety about if they will follow thru with their word or not.  I sure hope they do I will stay positive and pray they do.   Kay, I cant get ur friends loss out of my head.  I dont think anything will comfort them at all Sunday.  How tragic.  I guess I dont often think until I hear situations, how many mothers or grandmothers may be very hurt on sunday missing their children and grandchildren on a day ment for happiness. I gtta get back to work, I wrote an unexpected novel again here lol thanku all for letting me vent as usual.  

Hugs to you all

Markies liz

[foreverhis]

On 5/5/2021 at 4:08 PM, Suzanne Cooke said:

My darling has been dead now for 2 1/2 years.  It has NOT gotten easier!  I still cry every day, I wake up in the night crying.  I talk to him.  Sometimes I think he answers me.  We had always promised to haunt each other.

I'm coming up on 3 years and don't use the words easier or better to describe how my life is now.  I still cry at some point every day, sometimes a little sniffle and others, the waves of grief hit and it's off to sob-ville.  I am often restless at night, but do take a prescribed sleep aid that helps.  I talk to John, ask his advice, tell him about our girls and things that happen, and still sometimes cry to him that I can't do this alone and he needs to come get me now.  I still say, "I'm home" when I walk in the door and even forget sometimes that I have to unlock the door because he's not inside waiting for me.  I believe he sends me signs, though not as often as at first.

My grief will be with me always.  Losing him profoundly changed every bit of my life, inside and out.  And yet, my life is different from how it was in the first 2 years.  Slowly, so slowly that I couldn't even say when, the edges have softened as I'm figuring out how to carry it along with my love and our memories.  Over time, the crushing weight has shifted and lightened.  I can now find moments and times of a kind of happiness and hope.  Not like before because I will never be happy like that again, but I'm not in the dark pit so much.  When the waves hit, they're not as deep and don't last as long (usually, at least).  I have a small, wonderful support system of friends and family, as well as this caring community here.  It helps to know I can come here any time for any reason and know that I am heard and understood.

It's so hard for others to understand, actually they can't until/unless it happens to them.  My grief is evolving, changing as I have been changed.  I am on a journey now that will last the rest of my life, it has twists and turns, ups and downs, but it is never-ending until it's my time and I am with him again. 

I don't think any of us need to live by someone else's or society's expectations of what grief and our grieving journey should be.  It will never be easy.  I simply don't think that's possible.  For me, it's not as unbearable as it was in the first 2 years, but what a long, slow, and painful journey this is.

[Bonnie Vanbuskirk]

Agree... my journey is beginning my husband died March 17, 2021 auto accident. And I was called on the phone by the police said he was dead...So I am riding the roller coaster of grief. Married 30 years this August. I’m constantly crying, anxiety, stress handling the house &  bills.  I have a child in CA & one child near me who is bipolar she’s not well. I have to take time and care for her.  I would like to get back to work maybe just part time because of stress. Right now I take one day at a time and I have my faith, my fur babies and home to continue on. I always talk to George and I always will love my husband just very sad that he was taking too early and too soon just retired. Coates villa Area high school  teacher for 36 years and worked very hard. .

[Markies liz]

LoopYou ladies are all  so incredibly strong.  I keep saying to myself and my one friends in particular that me and mark were just starting our life together ...and when I think of you all who have been with your spouse 20-30 plus years I cant even imagine what you are going thru.  My heart breaks for you all.  I had this sweet old lady come in and I waited on her and she had just lost her husband and she was saying how lost she was and I just felt so sad for her.  It's insane how many different spots everyone can be at in their grieving, how many different ways people deal with it, how every situation is so different, but at the end of the day the one thing that is always the same is how much it hurts and it doesnt seem to ever stop hurting.  I sound like a broken record but this site is just incredible with the support and just being able to say what's on your mind judgement free.  I have learned so much about how to handle my grief and understand and validate my feelings. I am having anxiety about going home after work cuz friday nights seem to really upset me cuz I always came home to mark laying in bed and I would shower and go snuggle with him and it just kills me I cant anymore ....I have to keep reminding myself that this will take a long while to get used to. 

Hugs to you all,

I hope you all have a peaceful night 

Markies liz 

[steveb]

Hugs to you as well:). Thank you for posting.  Steve

[Markies liz]

I wanna apologize for how often I put my thoughts and feelings on here, it's like this is my journal and it's the safe place I come with my thoughts.  I cried myself to sleep lastnight and now I woke up at 1245 and just laid there sobbing because at 118am this morning it wld mark exactly 1 month that he passed.  I have been sobbing all morning. I'm a literal mess and now I have to go to work and pretend I'm ok.  This is incredibly hard. This month felt like an eternity...I'm sick to my stomach thinking about feeling like this the rest of my life.  I gtta get ready now.  Hugs to u all

Markies liz

[steveb]

Liz, You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.  You post as often as you want to.  A month after my wife passed, I remember a Saturday morning when I called my mom after a sleepless night.  I totally broke down after about 3 words into our conversation. The emotional and physical pain was so intense that I thought I was going to pass out.  I had never felt so weak and vulnerable in my life. My mom tried to comfort me, but I told her I couldn’t talk, and had to rest.  I slept like a rock. I guess the accumulation of stress and pain at that point caused my body to pretty much shut down. Like you, I was wondering, “is the rest of my life going to be like this?”  My beautiful Chong passed a little over 9 months ago.  I am stronger now, but miss her so much. Now, I try and take joy in the simple, but important things in life. You will get through this at your own pace Liz. And remember, we are here for you. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Markies liz said:

One thing that happens and I domt know that she does it on purpose is it seems one moment she wants a relationship and says it helps her and the next moment she wants space from me.

I think she says whatever she is feeling at the time and that can change from day to day...unfortunately, it's bound to be difficult for you and confusing as well!  What I would glean from her interactions/lack of them is not to count on her.  Enjoy when she wants a relationship, don't expect/rely though because it can just as easily be cut off any moment.  I'm sorry, that's truly hard.  She is a connection to him, one you don't want to lose, but she's also dealing with her grief and it feels when we're in it, that we're scrambling to figure it out, how to do this!

19 hours ago, Markies liz said:

And they had promised me some ashes

They need to come through on this.  Regardless of what she wants, be firm on this!  You should be entitled to some!  Why do they get to make all of the decisions?

4 hours ago, Markies liz said:

I wanna apologize for how often I put my thoughts and feelings on here, it's like this is my journal and it's the safe place I come with my thoughts.

No apologies!  THIS is why we have this place!  And you are wonderful about expressing yourself so well, very thoughtful and caring, we need people like you, although I sure wish you had no need to be here, same with all of us.

2 hours ago, steveb said:

Now, I try and take joy in the simple, but important things in life.

It's my takeaway from all of this too, I've learned to do the same.  I know the Bible tells us to be content, now I understand in a more real way what that means, it can be a hard thing to achieve but I'm trying to do/live just that!  We can all find something good if we look hard enough, the trick is in not comparing to the past which was wonderful.  I think George would be proud of me.

Bonnie, I understand, all too well.

Hugs to all of you!

[Markies liz]

Kay C, steve, and all,

I was just now on the verge of a breakdown at work and I made it thru and stepped out for a minute now that its slowing down.  I immediately  checked my email because it helps me when I read everyone's responses and thoughts.  Yes I beleive u r correct kay c and I to not put so much into the relationship with his mother and just take it as it comes....i think his pa would have let me help on some decisions but I think his mom doesnt want that.  There was a few moments when we were gathering his stuff and figuring out what to do with it that his dad said for me to keep something and his mom seemed a little hesitant.  She has made comments in the past that I could never understand the hurt she has as his mom. I guess what hurts about her saying that is that she hasnt been in my spot either and I have never once compared our hurt  as a matter of fact I've only ever told her she is correct I dont knw the lose of a child., and always let her feel and say what she has wanted.  She once told me u will move on and be fine .....that hurts because it's not that simple and when she says those things it also makes me feel like she doesnt comprehend how in love we were ...she kinda has the well u werent married mindset so just move on ....which is also y I dont get to make any decisions I just sit here wondering what's going on.  Like yes I'm sure it is hard to look at his room but dont u think its equally as hard for me to be in the house we shared our love in and the bed we shared ....just because we didnt live together that doesnt mean we didnt start sharing a life together ...he was supposed to move in soon and we were gonna marry at the courthouse in fall.  And it really hurts that she can minimize so easily what me and mark had.  Idk I feel like a horrible person for even thinking these thoughts about his mom.  Ok I gtta get back to work.  Gtta keep pushing thru.  

Hugs to you all

Markies liz 

[Diane R. E.]

Liz; you are NOT a horrible person for having those thoughts. In fact, I completely validate your feelings. You and Mark deserve to have your relationship recognized for what it was: a deeply shared love and mutual commitment to each other for life. A piece of paper does not define the wonderful relationship you and Mark had and should be seen the same as if you were legally married. (((Hugs))) 

[Rick1785]

Hello All, Just found this site.

Karen and I have been married 29 years. Like some ppl here I'm lost and very alone.

I do have my 2 boys one at home and one on his own. I do have a daughter from my first marriage she  has two

girls, and like some ppl here she has a busy life and I don't get to see them often. I have also lost the passion

for cleaning house and getting out. I do going to work but ppl don't understand that Karen was the reason for living

now that she is gone I'm am left all lone to defend for myself which is very hard for me at this time. trying to figure out

why this had to happen to me. anyways thanks for listening hopefully more later. my deepest condolence to everyone

here that has lost a partner

Rick

[Nam]

Hello, I'm new to this.

I am 27 years old. My partner died about two weeks ago. Just dropped dead. We had been long distance the past few months and I found out after I sent somebody to check because I hadn't heard from them (they used they/them pronouns).

There are so many emotions I have having but the main thing right now is the depression. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. I don't want to do anything. Existing is so hard. My chest hurts and I constantly have a lump in my throat. Doing anything is tiring, but so is doing nothing. I want to sleep forever or just, i dunno, remove the part of my brain that hurts. I was excited about my future with my partner and it got me through a new career and COVID difficulty. And now, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. It's the nothingness, like an empty void, that is hard to look at. 

I just wanted to share how I was feeling

[Markies liz]

Hello rick and Nam,

First of all you picked a great community to talk to! These amazing people all helped me alot.  Rick, in earlier posts I mentioned how hard it must be to lose your love after so many years together.  My heart breaks for you.  I will send up prayers to try to help your heart find some peace.  Nam, we have similar stories because my markie james stopped responding in our conversation a month ago.today at 118 am.  He was here every weekend, but had to work overtime so.didnt make it here that weekend.  We hardly ever missed a weekend together. Friday after work until Sunday night we were always together and if he had days off he was here or holiday time off he was here ...we always joked he lived here and stayed at his apartment for work.  When he stopped responding I just assumed he went to work and he had just broke his phone the previous day so he was using the ipad to talk to me.  I didnt here from him anymore that saturday and that was not right.  I was sick to my stomach...when.i drove to go check on him I ended up having to call police because I cldnt get in his apartment and I knew he hadn't gone to work.  They crawled into his upstairs patio and found him passed away in bed.  It was so unexpected.  They wldnt let me in because we werent married yet.  It was the most traumatizing day I ever had.  I saw things I shldnt have as his grieving love.  That day and the days to come, things I cant get out of my head.  Things none of us shld see.  These are not things I want to remeber about him and now they r stuck in my memory.   I'm so sorry ur heart hurts.  I too feel the same about not wanting to die but not wanting to live...I get it.  To you both what I will say I learned from here is that not everyone grieves the same, NOONE can tell you how, when, where, or how long to grieve.  I also learned that it will not go away, you will never stop missing them.  My step brother lost his wife unexpectedly and he told me u dont ever stop loving them, you dont ever stop grieving for them, what you do is learn how to get thru the day without them physically with you.  Sometimes I find myself trying to just get thru the day hour by hour.  Like today, was insanely rough for me because it was the month mark and I'm just not doing good.  I just wanna be with mark.  In a month i have had ups and downs ...more downs than ups.  I wish i could fix everyones hurt.  I live alone now with our 4 cats.   And I have had moments I think mark sent me signs and those r very welcomed by me.  I hope this site helps you both find some kind of comfort and validation to your feelings.  You are not alone I have felt everything you both have talked about.  I really hope I can get some rest sometime because this exhaustion is more than I can handle.   I miss him so much. 

Hugs to you all

Markies liz 

[Rick1785]

Hello Markies liz and Nam,

I am sorry for your lost Nam, and Markies thank you for your prayers, I am still having

a rough time getting through this days without crying as like we all are missing our partner.

I have to think why should I get out of bed as I am so lonely without Karen. I do eventually

get up as I need to try and change my routine to help me get thru the day. I also change my walk

hoping that will change for the better. I am told to change my daily routine as this should help

my mental state. Thanks for listening , more later My prayers go out to all of you .

Rick

[Sparky1]

19 hours ago, Rick1785 said:

Hello All, Just found this site.

Karen and I have been married 29 years. Like some ppl here I'm lost and very alone.

I do have my 2 boys one at home and one on his own. I do have a daughter from my first marriage she  has two

girls, and like some ppl here she has a busy life and I don't get to see them often. I have also lost the passion

for cleaning house and getting out. I do going to work but ppl don't understand that Karen was the reason for living

now that she is gone I'm am left all lone to defend for myself which is very hard for me at this time. trying to figure out

why this had to happen to me. anyways thanks for listening hopefully more later. my deepest condolence to everyone

here that has lost a partner

Rick

Rick, my condolences to you for the loss of your wife. I hope you can get some comfort in reading our experiences, as we all have our own loss and we can relate to you. Thank you for your condolences as well. Losing my wife has devastated me, and living alone doesn't help. It's a daily struggle to just go on, and being here has helped me immensely.

[KayC]

On 5/8/2021 at 10:35 AM, Markies liz said:

I have never once compared our hurt

You are a cut above, for sure.  But time to honor yourself and your grief, she can deal with hers, it's too much to try to handle both.  You've taken the upper road.  I hope you have friends family who are there for YOU.  We're here regardless and you can always come here.  (((hugs)))

[KayC]

@Rick1785  I am so sorry that you also are experiencing this loss, to say it is crippling is an understatement!  It shatters our lives, our future, everything.  But I want you to know, even though you can't possibly see it now, you will eventually adjust to the changes it means for your life, although we are never "over it."  It changes us.  I lost my husband suddenly/unexpectedly nearly 16 years ago, I didn't see how I could live one week without him!  I didn't see how the sun could go on shining, how people could go on about their lives, didn't they know the most wonderful man in the world had just died!  I've lived alone over 15 years although this was never my preference, my daughter came home for a few months but then left to live her life, as she should.  I've been through so much during that time, but I'm surviving.  You're right, the "want to" is the hardest part, trying to conjure that up.  My puppy gives me great incentive to live for him, maybe that's why my son brought him to me, little did we know Covid was about to begin, and with it, social isolation, further accentuating our feelings of loss and aloneness.  I only know that everything I've been through has served to make me stronger, to learn and grow through each experience.  Grief is not for the fainthearted, that's for sure.  I would toss all those valuable lessons in a heart beat to have five more minutes with my husband, we all would, but it doesn't discount their value.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Markies liz]

Having a really hard morning ...mondays and Tuesdays are my days off.  So I am here just sitting with my grief.  I know the smart thing to do would to be to go do something to occupy my mind.  But I really cant ...I feel like I physically cant.  I've let my house chores go again and I really dont care.   I miss him so bad.  I know you all miss your loved one so bad.  Dare I say it's not fair we feel all this pain? I just cant stop sobbing.  I feel sick.  I kept thinking this is a good thing to knw I'm not alone but today that thought is more pain thinking why is there so much hurt in the world.  These are questions I know cant be answered.   It's so wierd, everyday I wake up so sad and just put myself on auto pilot and give fake smiles just to avoid anyone saying anything to me that will upset me.  It's also very hard when I feel so many people wondering why I cant get over this.  I am also still so bothered by the situation with his parents.  And I know I need to stop thinking about it.  And let them heal without me.  I think it hurts me so bad because they were a large part of my healing and made me still feel like I had a piece of mark with me thru our relationship.  I keep running it thru my head, we were having lunch a few days after he passed and his dad said liz, we arent gonna bail on u...ur stuck with us, you guys never had time to marry but ur still our daughter in law.  And I guess I just hold on to tightly to things people say.  My biggest thing anyone who knws me will say about me is I always say please please please do not lie to me or sugar coat things or say something you do not mean or plan on doing.   I'm so exhausted with my thoughts and emotions.  I wish I knew if mark was ok and if he is with me and if he will be waiting for me.  I just wanna be with him.  Again just as someone else said here, Its not that I wanna die or hurt myself, I just dont wanna be here without him.  I dont even know what else to say my thoughts are going a million miles a minute.  I'm so angry the world is moving without mark.    I get so angry when I see everyone happy.  I get so sad when I see couples together.  The other day a coworker was going on and on complaining about these stupid things her on again off again boyfriend does and how she has to pick up after him and the dogs are hyper when hes there and blah blah blah.  I just thought to myself, how do u think I feel? I didnt comment much, if at all.   She then said well I spose u never had to deal with that with mark because u 2 were like so in love and never really had issues and blah blah n I just had to leave the conversation...its these conversations that really hurt me.   Some people dont k ow what they have until it's gone, however i feel me and mark knew what we had, and i am willing to bet my last dollar that you all knew what u had as well and that's why we r all here grieving together.  I'm rambling my thoughts now.  I need to stop typing now cuz I could go on forver with my thoughts.  Hope you are all having a better Monday than I am having.  

Hugs to you all

Markies liz