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It's been a week and each day seems harder not easier


Markies liz

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On 5/7/2021 at 4:22 AM, Markies liz said:

Anyone experience this or is this unique.  My relationship with markies parents really actually started like we got pretty close after mark passed I'm sure because we were going his things forms few days together.  His folks and I were in contact very often and it kinda had been helping me heal to have this relationship with them.  Anyways, me and his mom were. messaging on monday and then I hadn't heard from her since.  Rewind to monday i got off the phone with her and I was thinking mothers day would b hard and so I ordered her flowers and had them sent today cuz I didnt want them on mothers day cuz that would b too sad and I didnt put happy mothers day on it or anything.  Just because she will b so sad about it.  We both love flowers and it drove markie nuts that we did lol so she got the flowers today and she messaged me tonight thanking me for them and then saying she needs a break from me because it's too hard it makes her think of mark when we talk even if we dont talk about him.  I understand it probably does.  He was their only child.  So I knw this will.be super hard.  I knw she is really struggling with this.  I just felt like a wierd wrench in my stomach when she said it hurts too much to talk to me for a few different reasons.  I told her to take all the time she needs and I will let her contact me when she is ready ...but ugh it kinda hurts .  But if it's what she needs for her healing I will absolutely respect that ...its just such a double edge sword because ironically it was helping me to talk to them.    I need to remeber everyone grieves and heals differently.  I selfishly am kinda hurt 

Hugs  

Markies liz 

Let me also add I dont have children so I dont know a grieving mothers pain either.  

Hi Markies liz,

this message really hit me. Because my partner also passed and her parents and I already had a good relationship but since it happened we got really close and we feel like we are family. However it was me who asked them for space and shorter calls and hangouts because after these I struggled too much. It’s like I love knowing that we have this relationship but I need to dosificate it. After seeing them or talking to them I have panic attacks and my depression gets worse. It’s nothing that they say or do it is just to much exposure to the raw truth. That my baby isn’t here anymore. It’s like the void she left behind is palpable and I have no way of feeling that she is with me in some other way. 
So, I really do think that they love you and that they want you in their lifes. It’s just that right now they are trying to cope his absence in their most immediate reality and I’m sure that if you let them their space(which I understand is hard) they will reach out to you from time to time. 
I understand it like we grievers are in the center of  concentric circles and when we try to cope with our griefs we take one circle at the time because all at once is impossible. So in a way I think they need some space so they can hace you back in their lifes when they feel a little braver.

I send you lots of hugs ❤️ 

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18 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

It is not fair.  Yes, you should dare to say it because it's true.  Of course you can't stop sobbing at this point.  I'd be surprised if you weren't.  Just keep trying to get through one day at a time.  Try to find one good thing each day, no matter how small: a pretty flower, a butterfly flitting about, a warm day; literally, anything little thing. 

Keep in mind that they don't have a darn clue about what this kind of grief is like.  It's not something we can even put into words to explain it because it can only be understood once we are on our own grief journey.  You can ignore people when they say things like that.  You could tell them they are wrong and that your love for Mark isn't something you can simply put on a shelf, toss away, or forget.  He is a permanent part of you.  You could try to think of short responses that are basically, "Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about!" but maybe a smidge nicer than that.

We do not "get over" this.  In time, lots of time and with effort and help, we can begin to move forward into a different life that we have to figure out for ourselves.

This was how I felt for a long time, the first year at least.  I had no plan and I didn't want to kill myself.  I simply did not want to be in this world without my husband.  I still don't, but time has softened those feelings of despair and hopelessness.  There are still times when I'm frustrated or upset or sick that I say to him, "I can't do this without you.  You need to come get me now."  Of course he doesn't/can't because it's not my time, but just saying it out loud helps me remember that that day will come.

Of course you are angry.  How could you not be?  There is nothing right or fair or just about losing the person we love most in the world.

I too (and I think many of us) have felt that anger when looking at couples who are clearly much older than John and I were.  I see them smiling, holding hands, helping each other as age and time give them more challenges.  I consider that I'm going to be doing that alone now and I get angry and sad at the same time.  That's to be expected, I think.  It's not that I want to take that from those couples, it's that I want it for us.

As for your co-worker.  How completely and utterly insensitive of her.  There's been quite a bit in various articles and interviews over the past year-plus with people whining and complaining about being "stuck" with their spouses, families, kids, etc.  Every time I hear, "My spouse is driving me crazy.  I can't take it."  I think, "Shut up!  I'd give anything, anything, to have John here driving me up the wall from time to time.  You should cherish what you have.  And if you need a break, go to another room or take a walk or just sit outside and chill."

For your co-worker to then bring up how great your and Mark's relationship was just feels like she was twisting a knife in your heart.  She may have been trying to compliment you in a way, but that's the kind of thoughtless, casually cruel thing that people say too often.  I'm sorry you are dealing with this from both his parents and other people in your life.

One of the best things you can do now is keep coming here to talk, rant, question, complain, and even "scream" if that's what you need to do.  You never have to apologize for it.  Never.

((HUGS))

The power you shared in this message is impressive. I know this message is for markies liz, but thank you so much! ❤️

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16 minutes ago, Mayluna said:

The power you shared in this message is impressive. I know this message is for markies liz, but thank you so much! ❤️

Thank you so much.  You should know that even though it's addressed specifically to things Markies liz wrote, it's for you too.  It's for anyone who can find a little help or comfort from it.  I'm so very glad you did.  ((HUGS))

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17 hours ago, Markies liz said:

She just lost her boyfriend very unexpectedly.

Bless you for reaching out to her and of course you have my prayers!  This reminds me of a bible verse that has come to mean a lot to me, "who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.." 2 Corinthians 1:4

 

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Markies liz

I had my check up for my. Blood clot wednesday and my dr told me I have exhaustion and depression and told me she wants me to consider a low dose med.  I dont like medicine... I told her all my symptoms that I thought maybe were from the blood clot and she said sweety u have exhaustion it's not at all coming from the clot.  I know some of u said you have something to help you sleep.  I hate meds, I always try to avoid when possible...idk what to do. I was SO happy with mark.  I went from being insanely happy like noone could ruin my days to not even wanting to open my eyes

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47 minutes ago, AnnRA said:

This exhaustion you are feeling is quite normal and can really drag you down further, so sleep meds can help with that.

How true AnnRA.  Intense grief/loss combined with lack of sleep is so debilitating. My doc gave me a prescription that worked, but I got some unpleasant side effects too.  I ended up using melatonin, which worked pretty good for me thank God.

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Liz, you have to get some sleep. Ever since my bout with leukemia, I am very wary of taking meds, but I requested that my doc give me a prescription. I had to try something.  You must give your body and mind a chance to recover. 
 

Hugs from me too:). Steve

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6 hours ago, Markies liz said:

I dont know why I feel like I'm maybe gonna be ok and then boom, I'm not ok at all.

(((hugs)))   This is "normal" in grief, the waves hit, we learn to ride them.  I wish you could stay in bed all day and nurture your misery, seriously, it's part of processing our grief.  I had to go in at 5 days and do payroll and within two weeks was back full time.  Then the company went under, beginning of a recession, and I had six months to find a job with 9.5% unemployment rate, faced age discrimination for the first time in my life, all while grieving, it seems the hits wait for nothing.  I made it through that horrible time, but oh God it was hard!!!  

We're here for you, listening, I wish so much we didn't have to go to work and finances weren't part of the picture.  It feels like too much.  One day at a time...I still have to do it that way.

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6 hours ago, Markies liz said:

I hate meds, I always try to avoid when possible...idk what to do.

My doctor offered me Rx for sleep but I refused it, thinking it a temporary solution to a permanent problem, like a bandaid.  But years later, still long commute, lack of sleep, it's hard to function without our sleep, our brains aren't optimal!  I finally accepted the help and wish I had years ago, I feel I made it harder on myself by "toughing it out."  Same with low dose anxiety meds, I've had GAD all my life but began having anxiety attacks after George died, it took me 3 1/2 years to finally accept help with it, it just takes the edge off so I can cope, doesn't alter my brain.  Research whatever they suggest carefully before filling, if you aren't comfortable with that one, do your own research, go back to the doctor armed with the information and request something you are comfortable with.  It's our bodies!  We have every right to have a say, to me, doctors recommend, and we consider it, but it's STILL up to us!

Anxiety and Grief After Losing a Loved One
Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

Depression vs symtomatic depression in grief
 

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6 hours ago, AnnRA said:

My Dr approves of it, says I am doing well and to continue.  Fact is, I do not think I am doing well, but I am definitely sleeping and remaning stable.

With "well" being a relative term.  Not "well" as in previous life, but "well" all things considered.  For that I hope you credit yourself, even if you're not feeling it!

5 hours ago, steveb said:

I ended up using melatonin, which worked pretty good for me thank God.

I tried that, always preferring natural, it works for my daughter but did nothing for me.  2-4 hours sleep a night is NOT enough, esp. when I had a stressful job and commuted 100 miles/day!

 

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Great advice foreverhis.  As others have said in previous posts, “this is not the time to tough it out”.  

 

 

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16 hours ago, AnnRA said:

Hey Folks - I will be real honest with you.  If I were not on meds, I doubt if I would get out of bed each day.  I am at 6 months.  My dr is carefully monitoring my progress.  I will not end up being “hooked” on anything.  Alcohol would be worse, recreational drugs would be worse,  overeating would be worse for health.  You need to be supervised by a good doctor.    I have returned to my previous job, have no family help, no children and live alone (housemate who sleeps here).  I believe I am doing the best I can do to take care of myself.  I highly recommend you all see your doctors and consider (with them) if meds can help you.   

I agree!  When George died I didn't care what or if I ate...after living like that for years, I knew I needed to make drastic changes (I was diagnosed diabetic after he passed) and finally after losing the weight and making the eating changes I needed (I've always walked), I have regained my health and have my diabetes managed without meds.  In the last nine days I finally have my BP under control too!

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

my cortisol levels were through the roof

Diabetics have higher cortisol too!  It took me years to accept the help I needed but I'm glad I did.  And now I realize it's up to me to research and manage my own health. 

14 hours ago, steveb said:

this is not the time to tough it out

Amen!

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On 5/14/2021 at 2:30 AM, AnnRA said:

Fact is, I do not think I am doing well, but I am definitely sleeping and remaning stable.  This exhaustion you are feeling is quite normal and can really drag you down further, so sleep meds can help with that.   I highly recommend it.

Ditto!  Though it's certainly a personal choice, I did learn that not sleeping made everything worse, though it was hard to imagine that it could be.

My doctor is pleased that I'm sleeping more, which helps me deal with my grief.  I guess that's enough for him for now.

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I am so glad his parents reached out to you and want to come and bring you some ashes!  AND you're starting volunteering, in a very constructive way at that!  I wish you well with it, and hope with you that it will be a positive experience.  Let us know how it goes!

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17 hours ago, Markies liz said:

the 5 yr old keeps telling me that now that mark is gone he will be my best friend.

OMG, that is so sweet!  I am so sorry you're having such a rough time!  Did you ever get any sleep aid?  I forgot mine when I went to my son's so laid there all night trying real hard to hold still and go to sleep...not!  When I got home I put some in my overnight case so I don't go through that again!  Magnesium Bisglycinate is said to help depression/anxiety among other things (nervous system), I take it every day.

The tears will slow down eventually, and it becomes more manageable or maybe it's just that we learn to adjust/cope, IDK, but whichever, it does get easier to handle in that sense.  I rarely cry anymore. 

 

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Thank you for the update, and I'm glad you'll be starting some counseling.  Pastor's aren't necessarily trained in grief but I hope he is sensitive and intuitive and helpful.  So important to build into our lives something to look forward to.  Thanks for sharing!  

I didn't take meds for years and melatonin did nothing for me so I do not regret my anti-anxiety meds (Buspirone/Buspar) as I've had no side effects and it's not strong, just takes the edge off so I can cope (I have GAD) nor do I regret getting a sleeping pill as the damage from lack of sleep is great.  I think my refusal to take one for years made it harder on myself, esp. as I was still working and had a long commute!  Hard to do on 3-4 hours of sleep.  I hope natural continues to work for you, I think natural is always best if it does the trick!

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Markies liz

I  should have specified that this pastor is also a greif counselor.  I do not belong to this church but they came highly recommended from a family friend.  I really hope she can help my healing process.  I'm trying so hard to stay on the natural remedy path.  But I have also told myself that if it doesnt work I will talk to my doctor about being prescribed.  She already is aware of where I'm at with my thoughts.  And she is willing to prescribe me what she sees fit to help me.  She is such a sweet lady im blessed she is my doctor.  She tells me the same thing you all do and says she tried to stay away from meds for 2 years after she lost both parents unexpectedly  less than a year apart.  And she says she wished she had given in sooner.  Greif really is an intense process I'm learning.  And everyone handles it so differently.  Anyways prayers and good thoughts for me please all.  And i will do the same back to you beautiful people!  Bless this site for having so many people to lend a shoulder when needed.  

markies liz

p.s. I have started reading lots.  My fav so far has been home front girls.  I'm now reading a cousins promise which a customer of mine brought the sequel books in for me because she thinks it will be good reads in my grief.  They are amish books and so far they are good.  If anyone knows of any good reads I would love some suggestions 

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Thank you for the update, and I'm glad you'll be starting some counseling.  Pastor's aren't necessarily trained in grief but I hope he is sensitive and intuitive and helpful.  So important to build into our lives something to look forward to.  Thanks for sharing!  

I didn't take meds for years and melatonin did nothing for me so I do not regret my anti-anxiety meds (Buspirone/Buspar) as I've had no side effects and it's not strong, just takes the edge off so I can cope (I have GAD) nor do I regret getting a sleeping pill as the damage from lack of sleep is great.  I think my refusal to take one for years made it harder on myself, esp. as I was still working and had a long commute!  Hard to do on 3-4 hours of sleep.  I hope natural continues to work for you, I think natural is always best if it does the trick!

 

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Almost 4 months definitely not getting any easier

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1 hour ago, WhoamInow said:

Almost 4 months definitely not getting any easier

It will be a year for me at the end July.  Some days are very painful, but those aren’t as often now.  I miss Chong everyday, but I know I still must live my life, and be there for my kids.  

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Markies Liz, your story touches me, as it seems similar to mine. It's only been a week or so for me. It still seems so surreal. We never got the chance to get married either. I don't have any real contact with the parents because while I met his Mom briefly once, he was too into his addiction to actually plan anything with them, or his friends. 

Sometimes I feel so numb, like I can get back to the life I had before him, and sometimes my brain just can't make sense of it. How he was here, and suddenly he's just completely gone.

I found a dime one day. A butterfly today. But otherwise I feel pretty disconnected.

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20 hours ago, Markies liz said:

I  should have specified that this pastor is also a greif counselor.

I'm glad to hear it!  I've found some pastors have no clue about grief so this is good.

Here's a link to a list of grief books people have recommended.  It's from another site but if someone wants to add a book to the list, just message the owner/adm. of the site (she's a retired grief counselor and good friend of mine) and she can add it to the list.  (MartyT)

Books

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Gina:  thank you for your post;   it helps so much to hear about other people feeling the same way....doesn't change my situation but I don't think I feel so alone in a way

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Markies liz

 

I think that's the best thing about this site right? To not feel alone and have feelings validated.  I'm 3 months in and I still feel like I'm living a different life.  My friends and family basically have told me just get over it already.  It's not so simple but they wouldnt understand because they havent lost like this.  I sometimes feel like just because me and mark never got married that people think I cant be hurting. It kinda sucks.  I'm told I need to get out and do more things with people but to be honest I never really did even with mark we just kinda did our own thing.  And to be honest ...idk if anyone else feels this way or has felt this way early in their greif but it truely hurts when I see ppl happy with their significant other or like going to weddings...I just cant do it.  Friends and family havig babies it just hurts because me and mark wanted to start a family after we married.  It's not that I'm not happy for these people it's just that it hurts...it plain and simple hurts.  I feel sometimes like I'm ms. Negative now because I dont smile and laugh like I did just 3 months ago.  I try so hard to be positive but it's likethe more I pretend I'm ok the more I cry when I'm alone ...idk if that makes sense and I dont k ow where this little vent I just typed came from but yeah that's how I'm feeling today I guess .   Hope everyone is well this wednesday.  

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@Gina Mahlan  Reading your story ...that is very hard, I am so sorry for you and everyone losing their person during Covid times.  No one should have to go through this. (((hugs)))

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4 hours ago, Markies liz said:

And to be honest ...idk if anyone else feels this way or has felt this way early in their greif but it truely hurts when I see ppl happy with their significant other or like going to weddings...I just cant do it.  Friends and family havig babies it just hurts because me and mark wanted to start a family after we married.  It's not that I'm not happy for these people it's just that it hurts.

Yes, I felt like that early on and after a year still do.  Seeing other people walking down the street, holding hands and smiling, brings such pain and a twinge of jealousy.  Why was that taken away from me?  Even though Damon and I had 27 beautiful years together, you always wish you had more.  Ppl have said to me, since Damon had been in long term care for over 6 months, you are probably used to him not being around as much.  You never get used to that when you love someone, you just work thru it.  In fact, I feel we got even closer to each other, trying to give each other strength and having me leave every night and go home without him.  I hope in time I will be able to look at other couples and not feel hurt for myself, maybe that is called processing our grief.  I know he is waiting for me at the end of this long road.

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3 hours ago, Gina Mahlan said:

Ppl have said to me, since Damon had been in long term care for over 6 months, you are probably used to him not being around as much.  You never get used to that when you love someone,

Well, those people are freaking idiots!  They have no clue and should think before they say such stupid, insensitive things.

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On 7/8/2021 at 7:18 AM, Markies liz said:

I think that's the best thing about this site right? To not feel alone and have feelings validated.  I'm 3 months in and I still feel like I'm living a different life.

Yes, that is one of the best things about being here.  To be able to question, talk, rant, and even "scream" when necessary and know that I won't be judged or told how I should or shouldn't feel or think.  It's saved me in more ways than one.

The reason you feel like you're living a different life is because you are.  No matter how much we want our old lives back, we can't.  It took me months for my heart and mind to accept the reality in front of me.  By accept, I mean simply that reality that he is not coming home.  I do not accept that it was fair or just because it wasn't.

On 7/8/2021 at 7:18 AM, Markies liz said:

I sometimes feel like just because me and mark never got married that people think I cant be hurting.

What a load of nonsense.  A ceremony and a piece of paper, while lovely, are not what make a partnership of soulmates.  It is such a callous and thoughtless thing for people to say to you.  I'm sorry.

 

On 7/8/2021 at 7:18 AM, Markies liz said:

I feel sometimes like I'm ms. Negative now because I dont smile and laugh like I did just 3 months ago.  I try so hard to be positive but it's likethe more I pretend I'm ok the more I cry when I'm alone

Why on earth would anyone expect you to smile and laugh like you did before?  Please, please do not expect that of yourself or let anyone else's expectations make you feel worse than you already do.

And yeah, I did the "put on a brave face" thing in public for quite a while.  It was killing me inside, making things worse, which I didn't even think was possible.  Finally, I told a few family and chosen family members that I couldn't do it anymore.  I said I didn't intend to constantly be in a puddle of pain on the floor, but I wasn't going to hide behind a mask so often and I might just fall apart from time to time.  The next day, one of my dearest chosen family members emailed me a photo of one of those signs where they change it to different sayings.  It said, "It's okay if you fall apart sometimes.  Tacos fall apart and we still love them."  It was his way of saying what I already knew:  That he and those who love me/us would be there to catch me when I fall, to listen, and to comfort.

As I have always been uncomfortable crying in front of people, even my husband, I usually keep that inside when I'm around other people.  When I was doing the constant "be strong, be brave" facade, it was definitely even worse when I was home alone.  Bottling up our grief constantly just to meet society's expectations of "get over it" is very damaging, IMO.

Of course you should do what works for you because truly your loss and your grief are all about you. ((HUGS))

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If George would have died before we got married I would have missed him just as much!  It may have hurt even more because it was so important to us to be able to get married.  It's disenfranchised grief because people don't recognize it like they should.  I am sorry, you won't get that attitude from those of us here.  A piece of paper alone does not make a marriage...if it had my 23 year marriage to my kids' dad would have stood the test of time, but it was anything but fulfilling.

Disenfranchised Grief: When Grief and Grievers Are Unrecognized - SocialWorker.com
Disenfranchised Grief: 22 Examples, Signs, and Tips
Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream

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