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It's been a week and each day seems harder not easier


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Elaine9876

Good Morning. I have never been on these grief sites before this morning and I saw yours. I lost my partner, husband, 16 months ago and understand your pain. I am here if you would like to talk

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Markies liz

Good morning I'm new to this site this morning as well ...I'm so lost I'm trying anything that might help me ...sorry for ur loss as well

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Elaine9876

Thank you, I think we were meant to talk today. If you feel comfortable, why don’t you tell me what is your thoughts are today maybe I can help you sort out some of your feelings.

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KayC

To both of you, I want to welcome you to our site and encourage you to read and post as you are able.  It helps to express yourself to others who "get it: and understand, and this is a safe place for that.

I am so sorry for your losses, it's the hardest thing in the world that I have ever been through, and having been through a lot, that says a lot.  It's never "over" but we do learn to adjust somewhat to the changes it means for our lives, eventually get used to being alone, at least somewhat, although I can't say when, it takes much much time and is different for all of us.  All I know is, George was my everything, we loved each other with all our heart and soul, and are soul mates.  It's been nearly 16 years and I hadn't thought I could make it a week.  I'm doing it so I reckon anyone can, even though you can't see that now.  It took me probably three years to process his death, years more to find purpose (being here for others going through this), and years more to build a life I could live...then Covid came along and knocked everything down.  We've survived over a year of social isolation and so much more now, I reckon we're all pretty resilient, amazingly.  We'll get through this together.  I wrote this at about ten years out, random order, not a one size fits all, just a list of things I've found helpful over the years, and I hope it helps you now or later on down the road, as this is a journey that is constantly evolving.  What strikes you now will be different from what does later on so it's made to print out or save.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Elaine9876

I understand every thing you just said and my heart just breaks for you. I also lost my soulmate and I wanted to die. I married my high school sweetheart and we were married 43 years and together 45. My situation is different, my husband got early onset Alzheimer’s at 50 and passed at 62. My daughter and I cared for him at home until he went into Hospice a week before he died. We knew it was a death sentence and no matter how hard we tried to care for him he would die. But you are still shocked and unprepared when it happens. Your partner’s sounds sudden and everything changed at once. It is unbearable, you two had plans and everything changed that day.

You will not be able to get up and function and 
that is okay for right now. Your in shock and unable to process anything but the pain. Grieving privately at first is understandable as long as you know when you need to reach out. Just like you did today. I was angry at God for a very long time. It took about a year, but my therapist finally got me to understand God didn’t do this, his journey was supposed to end that day. It didn’t make me feel the loss any worse but it took the anger away.

 

 

 

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Elaine9876

Hello. Thank you for the lovely message you sent. Everything in your tips is amazing, true, and very valuable information. At 16 months I have already had to deal with many of them myself. This is like a survival guide for grief.

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KayC

For right now it's enough just to remember to breathe.  It will take much time for this and that's okay.  We're here, we're listening, we'll continue to be here as you go through this.

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ScotJ65
4 hours ago, Markies liz said:

 He is my soulmate.   And when ppl say to me oh it will be ok u will find love again I get mad at them.

My heartfelt condolences go out to you on the loss of your partner and soulmate. I can't begin to imagine how anyone could be so insensitive to say those things (quoted above) when it's only been a week. Thank you for coming on here and sharing your grief. You'll find lots of support and understanding from many good people in this community, We're all experiencing the same feelings of loss and pain. It makes the journey through the worst of times seem just a bit more bearable. ((((Hugs))))

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Markies liz

Thanku ...my heart goes out to all of u as well ...again all these kind words and knowing I'm not alone in this battle helps 

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Elaine9876

All those feelings are painfully normal at this time. Your emotions are going to feel like being on a rollercoaster. When you can, try to remember to stop a minute and take very deep breaths through your nose and release in a big breath out. While you are focusing on that for a few minutes the obsessive thoughts are on hold and I found seconds of relief. This is exhausting and maybe this will help you also. Take care and be kind to yourself. People try to comfort us saying “you will find love again,” they really don’t understand the pain that causes us.

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Markies liz

I'm so greatful I found this site and came on it. It's good to talk to you all who have been thru it and understand where my head is right now.  

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Mayluna

I understand you and just want to remind you that every feeling you are having is valid. And when you feel like not being alone reach out to a friend or family, and remember that you will never be a burden to them.  They love you and all they can do for you is being present, patient and understanding. And of course here we all create this safe space to share all of this what is happening. ❤️

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Markies liz

What I have already learned from this site and all the beautiful ppl here is that theres no time table for grieving.  If we grieve for months we grieve for months and noone is allowed to tell us when to stop or get over it.  I needed to hear that advice today. And I'll prolly need to remind myself of that several times in the future

Gosh I am so so so happy I came to this site. This is a great support system 

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steveb
7 hours ago, Markies liz said:

What I have already learned from this site and all the beautiful ppl here is that theres no time table for grieving. 

Markies liz, I am so sorry for your loss. You are so right about the grieving timetable.  And, the folks here are top notch beautiful people.  As KayC said, “it’s enough just to remember to breathe”.  Do only what you are able to do, nothing more. I hope you post again, and let us know how you are doing. God bless, Steve. 

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Sparky1

Markies liz, I am also very sorry for your loss. I sympathize with you on breaking down looking at all the things that belonged to your partner. All my wife's possessions are reminders of her and how she used them. Now they just sit there, not moving, not being used, and knowing that she will never use them breaks me down so many times. Yet, they are still a link to her and that is the only thing that I have left.

Grieving is very painful, trust me there are times when my despair is almost unbearable. There's not much that I can do except crawl along in life and hope for the best. This site has helped me very much and I hope it will help you out as well. The good people here know what grieving for their partner is about, and their experiences can bring some comfort.

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KayC

You are right about the timetable, no one can tell us to "move on" as it's terribly inappropriate and they don't know what they're talking about unless they've experienced this, and even then, all of our relationships are unique...it seems the more the love, the more the grief, plus we all have different coping skills.  So many things factor in to how we adjust, I reckon even our family placement factors in!  The main thing is to allow yourself to grieve as YOU need to and let go of well meaning but ill placed words from others that have no clue.  We all get them.

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Sparky1
On 4/17/2021 at 11:08 AM, Elaine9876 said:

Good Morning. I have never been on these grief sites before this morning and I saw yours. I lost my partner, husband, 16 months ago and understand your pain. I am here if you would like to talk

Elaine, I am very sorry for your loss. I am glad you came to this place to share your experience. All of us here can relate and hopefully you will find comfort among us.

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Markies liz

Well here I am today....a week is now passed since I realized he was gone from me forever.  Yesterday I thought I had made some big leaps towards feeling better ...today I realize its gonna be harder than I ever thought.  I tried to be around ppl today ...ran an errand, picked my  nephew up from school, and wow it was harder than I had ever imagined it would be.  I found myself crying so much today I gave up and came back home to be alone.   I feel silly now for thinking I had this so under control yesterday.  This is a sure sign of how everyday will be a roller coaster of emotions.  I never liked rollercoasters even as a kid.  They always scared me.  This is the scariest rollercoaster I will have ever stepped foot on.   I'm scared...I'm literally scared of these feelings.  Lastnight I dont knw if its because I'm so exhausted or my mind was playing tricks with me I walked around my house because I could hear his snoring I always teased him about.  My heart pounded as I walked room to room looking for it .   My cats even were hearing it.  Can I make a dillusion be a reality when I want him back so bad? The mind is a powerful thing and it sure had me all sorts of upset lastnight.  Was I hearing his snoring because I want him back so bad? I feel like I'm going a little crazy here and I just dont knw how to handle it ...u r all such amazing support and I do keep all your thoughts and suggestions in mind and use some of them but has anyone experienced what I did lastnight?

 

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KayC

I don't know about the snoring, but we've experienced some unexplainable things!  I felt his hand on my shoulder/back once, when I most needed his comfort, I'd know his touch anywhere.  Only that once.  But I know he's alive, just in a different realm.  

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Markies liz

KayC , 

That's what keeps me going...I hold on to so dearly the hope that I will be with him again.  I am longing to feel him here with me and there has been moments i felt i could feel him.  The snoring i feel was probably my own mind wanting him to be in bed and everything fine.  

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KayC

Markies Liz, I believe it too, and a friend from another site (Darrell, has been here too) kept hearing the doorbell ringing, never happened until his wife died.  I feel like they're looking in on us, and feel with us.  The Bible says in heaven there's no more pain or tears, I accept that at face value and it comforts me to know he is well.  Now, for our struggling/suffering to end and us to be with them!  It also says time will be no more, eternity, we can't wrap our heads around that!  When at last we're together again, it will be forever!  I can't think of a better thought!  This life passes so quickly, it seems yesterday I was young, having babies, now I'm old and alone....the next years will pass as quickly as the years behind me.

1 hour ago, ScotJ65 said:

Kay you're spot on. I too believe that what God has planned for us is not within the scope of human comprehension. One thing I am convinced of is that we will be reunited with those we love, have lost and yearn to be with again. We will be tested in this life, but it's crucial that we trust in Him and never lose faith or hope. 

I believe this!

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Alans Girl

Markies LIz,

I am SOOOO sorry for your loss and your grief.  It's horrible that we all feel this weight of sadness, pain, loneliness, anger, emptiness, and all of the other things we feel.  I lost my boyfriend a week ago tomorrow (April 17th).  We, like you and yours, were talking about moving in together, planning vacations, and had great plans of all of the amazing adventures we would have together.  

Alan believed that when people died, they became part of the energy force which is the universe.  I try to remind myself that the universe is all around me which means ... ALAN IS ALWAYS AROUND ME.  So, I talk to him and I let him know how much I love him and how angry I am that he left me.  I have yet to hear him reply (which is a first for Alan! .... LOL) but when he does, like your love did, I will hold that close and cherish every gift he's sending.  He is always with you.

I wish for you peace and grace.
~Sandy

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Markies liz

Sandy,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I feel we do have a very similar situation.  I have been lucky enough to feel like he has sent me signs he is with me still.  I talked to my step brothers gf 2 days ago and she gave me some really great words of wisdom...she lost her husband a year ago and my step brother lost his wife 2 years ago.  This is a loss that only us going thru it will ever understand.  She told me that my step bro told her that he will never stop loving his wife she was his soulmate and the hurt never completley goes away but we learn to live without them physically with us.  She said that helped her with her loss and now I'm hoping that helps me with mine.  I keep thinking am I wrong to be so sad yet? But I realize I will be sad for him prolly til we meet again.  He is and always will be my soulmate I miss him so bad I dont even wanna go home from work as I'm messaging this because every friday night I came home to him and I am just not looking forward to walking into the empty house.  U have come to a great community of support on this site and if u ever need to talk I'm here 

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Markies liz

Gina,

Yes at first iij was so scared of the snoring.  But now I cant wait to hear it again. I really did think I was going crazy and was afraid to tell people what I had heard because I thought everyone would think I was losing my mind.  I really hope he is waiting for me when it's my time ...I wanna be with him forever.  I also feel like most people when I say I hope hes waiting for me when it's my time take that as me saying I am hoping to die and I'm not I just wanna be with him and to be honest the more signs I get from him and the more I feel he is still with me the less I fear when it is my time amd just cant wait to see him again.  My gosh do I love him still ❤ I truely beleive we r soulmates and like my step brothers girlfriend told me ....u might b able to love again but it's a different love and u will always miss mark but hes your soulmate so rest assured he is waiting for u and watching over u while he waits....that gives me comfort

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Pennywyze43
On 4/17/2021 at 8:32 AM, Markies liz said:

I dont know what to do.  I've never been so lost or hurt in my life

@Markies lizliz I'm Pennywyze. Sorry for your lost. You not agree with right now, the initial shock and raw emotional pain does lessen. I truly didn't want to believe others when they told me this, and I would spiral into tears. Somewhere around day 363-367-ish the burden of shock and horror decreases, and you can breathe a lot easier. 

I had a hard time understanding it due to the fact that no one sat me down, and gave me straight facts. Everyone I came across, wanted to be cryptic, or only speak half of a sentence, stop and think about what they were saying, and not finish what they were saying in the first place. 

To add more to my hurt, within the first week I was told that I needed to get over it (these people were thinking.  My loss was several years old). 

 

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Pennywyze43

@Markies Liz 

Welcome to the Soulmates Center circle, Annie. I'm grateful that you chose to join. It is truly very much appreciated you joined this circle. Feel free to post whenever you are ready.

The main reason I wanted to create this circle is, so that those of us who have met, loved, fussed with, and lost our soulmates can have a place where we can talk about our soulmates, and our  special kind of love, with others who are grieving in much the same way as the next person in this circle.

The bond and love between soulmates is, the most beautiful thing (in my opinion), and sharing our stories can be tricky. In my case, people have made make me feel completely awkward, when I would talk about my soulmate, Jeremy. Now, I'm sure there wasn't ever any intent to make me feel bad, but (unfortunately) they did exactly that. So, this circle is dedicated to soulmate love.

Have a great day, and remember you have been blessed with soulmate love. That's something very few others will ever experience. I should have sent this to you when I messaged you the first time. I'm still getting used to being the admin of any type of circle or group, and in that, I request patience with my absentmindedness as I become completely 

 

 

...as I get used to fulfilling the tasks of admin.

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KayC
12 hours ago, Gina Mahlan said:

Probably none of us believed it when we were told things will get better, I surely thought no way will that happen, but it will.

So true!  I didn't see how that was possible!  It's not that things magically change but we hone our coping skills, and begin to get used to being alone and adjusting to this life that is ours now.  I no longer expect him to walk through the door or call, hitting me afresh.  I've gotten used to hiring done what I cannot do and living meagerly on a tight budget.  I've gotten used to not having vacations and living with aches and pains.  But I feel in a way he is with me still, maybe because I still love and miss him and yes talk aloud to him.  They can't haul me off until I start hearing him respond back!

 

7 hours ago, Pennywyze43 said:

To add more to my hurt, within the first week I was told that I needed to get over it

Idiots!  Some people should come with a muzzle!  I'm sorry.

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Markies liz

Lol even if u did hear him take it as a blessing no need to haul ya off :rolleyes: I cant wait for my next sign from mark it makes me feel closer to him ...today is officially 2 weeks since hes gone ugh God do I miss him 

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Pennywyze43

@Kay CC it's all right...now. At the time, I just knew that hearing those 3 words would surely be my end (emotionally). 

 

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Pennywyze43
On 4/17/2021 at 8:32 AM, Markies liz said:

I dont know what to do.  I've never been so lost or hurt in my life

Markies liz, 

The first week didn't seem like things would ever get better, and I felt betrayed by Jeremy. But I promise the emotional pain does let up.

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rencors1

Markies Liz,

My heart aches for you and your loss.  I think you should hold on to hearing his snoring as a sign that he is there and is wanting to bring you comfort.  I’ve had a few signs from my husband as well.  The second night after Daniel’s passing, I was looking out the bedroom window at our barn where he was always tinkering around and a shooting star went right over the top of the barn.  It was the first shooting star I have ever seen out here.  I knew it was him and I know all the other little things that have happened have been him letting me know he is here.  I joined this group because I’m four months into Daniel being gone and I’ve been feeling worse for the last few weeks.  I’m only saying this because it’s a realization that grief is not linear but that doesn’t mean it won’t get better.  It’s moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day.  Everything you are feeling is validated and however long you have those feeling is validated as well.  No one should put a timeline on anything you are feeling.  We are all grieving differently.  But getting support from a forum like this in invaluable!!!  I hope you plan to keep sharing how you feel.  It has really been helping me! 

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Sparky1
1 hour ago, Markies liz said:

Lol even if u did hear him take it as a blessing no need to haul ya off :rolleyes: I cant wait for my next sign from mark it makes me feel closer to him ...today is officially 2 weeks since hes gone ugh God do I miss him 

For me today is officially 6 months to the day that the love of my life passed away. I miss her more than anything and my heart still aches for her. Yesterday I asked her to give me a kiss as I missed that very much, and this morning I dreamt of her and she did give me a kiss in the dream. To me, if that's not a sign from her, then I don't know what is. Today, I found another dime in my jacket pocket.  It seems like dimes have been popping up everywhere lately.

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steveb
1 hour ago, Sparky1 said:

I miss her more than anything and my heart still aches for her.

Same here Sparky1 ... I sometimes feel hugs from my wife.      On the day Chong passed, she hugged me tight and said she loved me that morning before I went to work.  I relive that moment all the time. 

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