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No big decisions.


Yellowing

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I lost my husband eight months ago. We had been together for 48 wonderful years. It is practically the only life I've ever known. Everything reminds me of him. I am planning to leave USA once the travel restrictions are lifted. I will go to be with my sister in UK.

I want to go but sometimes I have doubts. It is hard to let go. We both loved this place so much. Sometimes I just want to stay and cling to the memories. Unlike me you don't sound like you have ever had any doubt about what you should do. As we all know, there is no time frame for dealing with our grief. You aren't being rash, you've been thinking of this for months.

Only you can know what you need. Just don't throw everything away. If you don't want to take things with you ask someone to store them for you. Moving away is reversible, throwing out your memories is not.

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Hello Yellowing,

I understand how you are being feel bombarded with people's comments and questions.  The people who do that are well meaning but what you do or do not do is not anyone's business but your own.

I think the reason we are warned about making big decisions in the early stage of grief is because processing the circumstances of our loved ones death is all consuming and leaves little energy to plan future stuff.  Also you are so emotional right now, driven by pain and a sense of loss.

But, of course you need to do what you think is right for your children and yourself.  And remember, you are allowed to change your mind

I am so sorry you are suffering through this loss, please be sure to take care of yourself.  Have your nutrients and sleep.

Most important - you are the Mom, what you say goes.  You don't own anyone a reason for what you choose to do regarding your children.  

 

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Yellowing, I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through after such a senseless and totally preventable tragedy! And I am with you all the way in feeling the need to escape this society which caused your husband’s death! My Love didn’t die from the ubiquitous guns around here, but he died because of the dysfunction of a for-profit healthcare system, which is the other major killer in this country. I am also torn between dropping everything here to go and live in a society where human life is valued more. But I have the advantage that my family is in Europe and if I were to move back I would have someone to lean on. Yet still, after almost a year without my soulmate, I am stuck as in having difficulty leaving the memories of my life with him behind, because if I were to move, I would have to sell his basses (his babies he called them), everything we acquired together as a couple, and likely way below the value it has to me. As LMR here said, moving away is reversible but throwing away the memories is not. So I am still thinking, taking my time, asking my Love what he would have done and looking for an answer in my heart.
Thank you for sharing and know that you are not alone in this! I hope you find strength to pull through, for your children’s sake, and hope you find the support you need from the rest of your family!


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

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These words sound meaningless, but I'm so sorry you lost your husband to violence.The trauma you and your children are living with is incomprehensible to anyone who hasn't lived it.  But I hear you. The US is ridiculously violent. Every time I read about yet about mass shooting I want to flee this failed society. I live in Chicago where a 13 year old was killed by a cop with a gun because the child was running away from said cop with a gun. The violence is never ending and it will not change. I hope you feel empowered to do whatever you need to do for you and your family. No one who hasn't experienced your tragedy has any business giving you advice.

And regarding possessions:  some people will always project how they equate memories with tangible things onto others. Emotional attachment to possessions varies wildly and like everything else, no one should feel empowered to tell you what to do. Memories are stored in our brains and they aren't lessened when we get rid of things. Take good care of yourself. 

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I totally understand and if ever there were an exception to that rule, this could be it.  You need to do what is best for you and your kids and if being out of this area helps you and your kids, then that's what I'd do.  One of the reasons they tell us not to make major decisions is we are in a grief fog in the early days and do not have clarity.  We simply can't see or think straight!  But if this is heavy on your heart and ever with you, I'd consider it, you can always change your mind, like @jmmosley53 says.

I am very sorry for what you've been through, the most horrid thing in the world!  I'm not sure ANYWHERE is a good political climate right now, every country has it's drawbacks, there is no place perfect, so be sure and do your homework before leaving the country.  If it's any consolation, I think small towns & in the country is easier than the big cities right now, I'm in the country, nearest town 8-10 miles away, I have a wonderful supportive neighborhood with nature & animals, far away from the unrest that so envelopes the rest of the country.  Those places do exist.

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41 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

When the time comes that you can move and if you decide to do that, then it is your decision and yours alone.  If and when you get all those concerned, yet intrusive, questions, you need only reply that you have given it a lot of thought and this is what you have decided.  If people persist, then you may have to get firmer with them to the point of telling them that if they cannot or will not accept your adult decisions, then you will not be able to be around them (at least for a while).  I know that sounds kind of harsh, but this is your and your children's physical and mental health.  This is all about you and your children and what is best for your lives.  Period.

True, @foreverhis. Sad, but so true. @TLN.

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Honestly I left a city and started a new life because my daughter was sexually assaulted by my ex. Not exactly the same but I never regretted it. I went with my husband who died in dec. I was losing or had lost my mind in that old place. The new life and my new husband saved me. I have no regrets we had only 8 really happy years.  I'm not in the best place but I'm no where near what I was back then. Sometimes it's good to follow your heart..

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