He was my SON not my pet.

[ImMomma]

I was a grief counselor years ago. I know the stages. Ive lost loved ones of many species before.  I know how I have grieved through each of those losses - never quite the same.   This one i cannot handle.  This is different.   I have to be Momma to my other kids - but the Momma that I was is gone now too.  Forever.  I am not the same and never will be.  My son left a twin sister and baby brother who adored him and followed him and were never apart.  Mike was only 8!  It was so sudden.  I cant say more here about him - not yet.  I cant look at his pictures or any of the 100s of videos I have of him yet.   We went from 5 kids to 3 kids in less that a year.  Emma - Mikes twin - is bereft.  They were inseparable.   The baby is 4 and he was Mike's shadow. Mike looked out for him.   My beautiful twins Mike & Emma --  they were truly ONE.   I want my Mikey-Moo.   It was so horrid!  I need to talk about him, but people don't understand he was my CHILD.  Every bit as much as my human child was.  I couldn't have loved Mike any more if I had given birth to him.  

I will never be ok again.  

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry to read about your painful loss. I know how horrible it is. I felt this way about our cat. Maybe in a bit you can share more about him. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I felt that about my Arlie.  He died of cancer 8/16/19.  Just yesterday a neighbor stopped me on my walk and told me how beautiful and special Arlie was.  To say I miss him doesn't begin to convey what I feel!  We get it.  We're here for you when you are ready to tell us more.  This was my Arlie when he was dying from cancer...still trying to smile.

[ImMomma]

Thank you.  My Mike was a twin.  He & His sister Emma were born at a shelter.  They were adopted together when they were 8weeks old.  They were abused together and neglected and treated horribly for 18 months and then returned to the shelter.  

 

We were looking to adopt one boy as a companion for our Tank (who died less than a year ago in 2020).   We wanted an older dog because we are older.  We asked who was the hardest to get adopted & the shelter said A Bonded Pair.   That was Mike & Emma - our twins.  Emma suffers from depression anyway and we called Mike 'Spooky Mike' because he was afraid of so much.  Going through doors was scary for him, but we made a game of it.  

 

He always crossed his front paws when he was laying down.  Emma was always chewing on his ear - that was her pacifier- and Mike never seemed to mind.  That comforted them both.  I cant keep talking about him right now.  He was the best!  My butter-hound because he melted like butter in a hug and he hugged with his whole body.

 

In October 2019 he got sick and we almost lost him.  He ended up having the right libe of his liver removed.  They told us it was not malignant and he should live a good full life.   We got him a checkup every 3 - 4 months. On Friday - a week ago today I knew something was off a little.  His blood work came back fine and the doctor didn't see or feel anything different.  He may have got into something in the yard. We put him on an antibiotic for stomach problems and he seemed fine the rest of the weekend.   He ate his breakfast on Monday morning and I went into my work routine.  I work from home,  but im in my office at the computer a full day.  I did notice he was a little quieter during the day.  In the evening he would not eat his dinner and did not want his treat.  We buy this peanut butter treat shaped like pig ears.  Mike would literally leap and dance and jump on/off the couch in pure ecstasy for the treat!  He didn’t want it.

 

My husband was scheduled for cataract surgery the next morning.  Hubby has had 2 heart attacks, 4 strokes and has a host of other health problems including diabetes.  He had finally been cleared for this surgery on Tuesday - been trying to get it done for nearly a year.    His thought was to drop Mike off at our vet on the way to the hospital for his surgery.   Hubby went to bed.   Mike.got worse.  I thought it might be bloat and I called the nearest Vet ER and threw some clothes on. I woke hubby and he drove.  They wouldn't let me in with him!  I won't get into a political rant, but I nearly broke down the door.  When they were done with the exam and ultrasound they said there was another mass on his liver - in back where its difficult to see - and said it was bloodborn and his belly was filling with blood.  They told us it was highly unlikely that Mike would survive and knowing his history made it even less likely.  Hubby asked about cost and they said expect to spend $5000 - $7000 right away and more thousands possible later if he survives.  We just paid off the 5-figure vet bills from 2019.  I never thought about not affording this -I'll find a way.  I was asking about My Mike!   We had to quickly make a decision.   Put Mike through that aweful surgery and recovery period and he would never be quite the same  IF he lived.  Did I want the last days, weeks, months of his life to be like that?  

 

Apparently, the The ER vet said, we were given a bad diagnosis before and this was an aggressive cancer.  It was nearly 9 months after the last surgery before Mike was fully back to his old self.  And all that time the cancer was still growing in him and we didnt know!  We thought all was well!

 

They let me see Mike finally - after we paid them $900!   I was creating quite a fuss.  My son!   He was on a blanket on the floor and I pushed in and flung myself down - he wagged his tail the second he heard my voice and saw me.  Mike gave the sweetest, most precious kisses - but he was too sick to kiss me.  I hugged him and lived him and kissed him and then nodded for them to start the first medicine in his IV - the one to relax him and make him fall asleep like for surgery.   I wasn't even feeling the floor I was on.  I just kissed him and told him what a good boy - the best boy he is and that he would go to sleep and not feel any more pain.  They gave him 'the' drug and i felt his body letting go.  I felt his last breath and felt his heart stop.  I began screaming then - ive never screamed like that before.  In 37 years together and all sorts of losses, I scared my husband with my screaming.  I didn't stop the whole way home or at home.  I had to tell Emma and Buddy that Mike wasn't coming back.  Emma was shaking.  Buddy was scared and confused.  Its been four days now.  Winnie - our last rescue who was enamored of Mike - cries at the window looking for him.  Emma and Buddy have almost shut down.   I have tried to play with them and cuddle them and talk normally with them.  But they know he's not coming back, even tho they still look for him.   

 

I cannot adjust to this.  Dividing the treats by 3 instead of 4.  Im still not used to dividing by 4.   This time last year we had 5 K9 kids!   

 

Buddy was another survivor from the "corridor of cruelty" in Houston TX.  You can look that up if you want.  We got him just a couple hours before he was to be euthanized.  Mike took him over and became his big brother, protector, mentor, and best running-buddy.  Emma adopted him too and while Mike never really played with others, Emma and Buddy bonded and played together every day.  Mike & Buddy bonded over squirrel chasing and backyard patrol and hole-diggng.  Mike had his favorite excavations by the barn. Over two-feet deep and I loved seeing his butt sticking up and the dirt flying.  

 

'Subdued ' is too mild a word to describe Emma and Buddy now.  Winnie is subdued. She is a rescued backyard breeder that was horribly treated.  She is an English Bulldog and though she is definitely part of the pack, she also stands apart somewhat.  While the others have some emotional problems from their pasts and are extreme introverts - Winnie is a total extrovert!   She is not playing with her toys so much right now, but she's still eating and is only a bit subdued.   

 

I have not eaten since Monday.  I have coffee and thats it.  I have not felt like eating!  It's having a physical effect on me now, but I dont seem to care.  

 

My husband had his surgery and it went well.  I'm taking care of him at home - he's been disabled for over 25 years.  He has his second surgery on the 27th of this month.   

Im just going thru the motions and still screaming into my pillow daily.   I do love all my kids - Mike was one of those with a little extra charisma.  After Tank died, Mike was the center of our lives.  

 

[KayC]

Wow.  That is so much.  I don't think I can look up Corridor of Horror, it kills me to hear about such things, it really does, so much emotion and can't change anything, it makes me feel so frustrated and helpless!  Bless you for adopting and giving homes to these poor abused pups!  My heart is with them, more than people as they are so guileless, they give so much and ask so little in return, to me, they are God's gift to the world.  The most wonderful of His creation.

I am so sorry for all you went through, and losing him in the end, the day I had to have Arlie put to sleep it was so horrible because their scale was off, I had plied him with food because the vet had told me when he started losing weight from the cancer, I'd lose him...I was terrified of losing him!  He'd gained weight but I hadn't known, so when they said he weighed 107 I thought it sounded likely, they administered the drugs and he had immense pain, looked like he wanted to bite someone!  He'd never bitten in his life, nor did he now, but my gentle giant was under-anesthetized for the last shot and went out in severe pain.  I can never forget or forgive that.  When my friend got on the scale it said 127, she weighed 139 at the doctor's two days prior.  That was when I knew what had happened to poor Arlie, they botched his euthanasia big time.  I'd wanted to ease his suffering and instead...I hurt my baby.  My only consolation is that he is at rest now, waiting for me, playfully with other dogs, at the Rainbow Bridge.  He will be there when I cross over.  

If you cannot eat, and I understand that, try making a smoothie, you need the nutrition.  I used to have kale smoothies with kale, applesauce, banana, celery, rhubarb or something for some flavor.  I can't have it anymore because of my Diabetes.  Another favorite as it has all the food groups is strawberries, yogurt, granola, protein powder, spinach.  That one is tasty.  You need your strength now more than ever to get through this, do it for your husband and other kids if not for yourself.  

Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace...

[AJWCat]

I love to hear about people like you who rescue animals in such dire need. I am so sorry again, for your loss. 

I didn't eat for the first couple days. I also cried so much I don't think I've cried as much as I did the 3 weeks after losing our cat so horribly. Every day. In the shower. In bed. All the time. 

It's a pain I don't wish on anyone. Sounds like you have a lot going on, hang in there. 

[ImMomma]

You did not hurt sweet Arlie - someone else did.  I understand your feeling though because I have felt that and for similar reasons.  Last year when Tank died - she screamed in pain and snapped when she got the first shot.  A year earlier our Grace did the same and some years back my Tiger boy screamed/yelped repeatedly until he couldn't breathe and it was horrible.   I will never forget or forgive those either.   I lost Tiger & Lucy just 9 days apart.    I think all of us who love so deeply are filled with regretful & remorseful feelings so much stronger than those words can convey.    I relive the night with Mike.  Last night was one week and I tried not to look at the clocks, but all night my mind was "one week ago at this time..." and I did not sleep.   I cried again instead.  I am not in great shape today and for the first time in a couple years I "called in sick" for my job.    I keep telling myself that those occurrences were not my fault and I should have known differently or better, but it doesn't always work.  I cried for you and Arlie when I read that and I wish I could take that pain from you.  We have to bear it though, somehow.  

[KayC]

Thank you, but I don't think I'll ever totally get it out of my mind, I wanted his suffering eased and instead the last moments of his life were of horrendous anguish.  He was everything in the world to me and I'd have given my life for him in a heartbeat, in fact, I did risk it to save him once (In my Memories of Arlie). 

 

[ImMomma]

Thank you all.  My heart goes out to each of you.  Yesterday was one month.  It feels like its still happening.  I still dont sleep & when I do pass out I have nightmares.  My other furkids are still grieving too.  I try to play with them and engage them, but for Emma & Buddy it's so sad.  They are scared and cling to each other.  They still look for Mike and we are all still so unsettled.   Im sure many of you know 3xactly what I mean.  It's very hard to look for a job now and I'm trying to stay positive and sound upbeat and energetic.  I have to be because if I dont find a decent paying job quickly we could lose our house in a matter of months.   So much pressure right now on top of my grief.  

 

I feel your grief too.  All of your loved & cherished family - I wish I could know them all.  I wish all animals could know the love we showered on ours.  We have & continue to defy the laws of physics.  We each have & have had the very best - the #1  boys & girls in the world.  The Funniest, Smartest, Most Clever, Silliest, Sweetest, Quirkiest,  Most Loving, Stubbornist, Kissiest, Aloofist, Goofiest,  Cuddliest, Happiest, Spookiest and most cherished "pet" ever.    Mathematically impossible but absolutely true.  Our lives are changed and filled with such pain and despair at times - but loving them for what time we have them is so precious that this desolation now is worth it.  

[KayC]

I hope this helps, I found it helped to spend extra time/attention with them, but they still grieve, they need to go through it even as we do, so hard to watch.
Grieving Pet

 

About the "stages," that was written for terminally ill not for grievers...

Stages of Grief and Other Lies That Don't Help Anyone | HuffPost Life
The Five Stages of Grief debunked
The 5 Stages of Grief debunked

 

11 hours ago, ImMomma said:

So much pressure right now on top of my grief. 

I am so sorry!  I went through loss of job following the sudden loss of my sweet husband, George, and subsequent loss of my 19 year old cat (also named George).  It is a TREMENDOUS amount of pressure!  I pray you find something just right for you and soon!  I used to have a positive affirmation tape I'd play, it'd help, if you can find something like that, listen to it in the background when you're fixing dinner, answering emails, etc, so it can sink in to your subconscious.  I accepted prayers from whomever would pray!

I've heard it said that our grief equals the love we shared and I believe it.  The biggest pain of aging is we seem to accumulate more losses...