Too much loss

[chaos karma]

In 2011 I loss a brother in law that I was very close to, little did I know that was just the start of a ten year emotional drain that no one person should have to experience.  My only child, my daughter had been bullied for a year or so, since she started middle school, and slipped into a deep depression. In 2012 she committed suicide and my world, my life stopped. I have always been a caregiver my entire life so me taking care of myself and dealing with my grief, it just never happened.  I have a tendency to just push it down and try not to think about things. It's not easy, but I feel like if I think about things, if I let those feelings out they will consume me. I will no longer exist. That was 2012. In 2013 my only sibling, my older sister died from a accidental drug overdose. Now my mother was very emotionally dependent on me, when my daughter died it was also her only granddaughter when my sister died it was her first born. She didn't mean to such the air out of the room, lean so heavily on me emotionally, depend on me for so much, but nevertheless  she did. I did not deal with my emotional trauma, I push it down. That was 2013. I breathed.  In 2018 my closest cousin, I would easily say one of my best friends, died. In much the same way his mother did approx 20 years before from diabetes and a bad ticker. And then there is March 10, 2021. My mother, my last connection to family really. I mean there are others out there but none that I could turn to for anything. She was my mommies, my rock, my  compass, my safe haven,  basically my everything. Even though she was the reason I am the emotional trainwreck I am, she was my mommy and I miss her and I want her back. I took care of her the last two months of her life, my bf and I, and there was so much more I wanted to say and do. There is never enough time. My daughter sat in the hospital for three days brain dead and my mom and I sat there with her loving her.   I guess the point of this post is to ask the community, how do I finally grieve all this loss? How do I let it all out with out loosing my mind, and that is honestly what I fear will happen. I can feel what is behind that door, and it hurts so so bad I'm scared. Someone please help.

[reader]

Dear chaoas karma,

I am so sorry for all your losses and the deep pain you are feeling. 

I know it's really hard, but I hope you can find a grief counsellor or grief support group that can help you.  It's so important to feel supported when talking about your grief.

https://www.ohiohealth.com/patients-and-visitors/support/grief-support-groups/

https://www.google.com/search?q=ohio+grief+supports&oq=ohio+grief+supports&aqs=chrome..69i57.3192j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

I hope these links help.

Thinking of you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

 

 

[Karabo]

Dear chaos karma

I am truly sorry for the losses you have suffered and the pain that you are going through. 

I would suggest that you go to counseling and that you give yourself the time to grieve. 

On 14 February 2021 I lost my mother due to Covid-19 and it's been hard. I can sympathy with you as my family had to bury 6 family members since the start of the year. And I can say with all honesty that what your feeling is okay. It's going to take time to feel better. Cause as you will have to deal with all the grief and pain, working through those emotions and it hurts like crazy.

You can start writing your feelings down on paper. Sounds silly but it helps. Really recommend that you go to counseling.

Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

 

 

[Healing2021]

Hi, 

You can grieve in a healthy way with the help of a therapist or grief support group. Possibly start there. I hope your boyfriend is a good support for you, but it’s also not all his job to do that as we have to, at some point, take some steps to help ourselves. This is all easier said than done. 
 

I started a grief group last week and had a migraine for three days after I cried so much. It did help to hear about others losses and our similar emotions, just like reading posts on here helps. But I also realize I have to take some extra steps. I may need to consider a good psychiatrist along with my therapist to help alleviate my depression and anxiety. It’s okay to lean on medicine during a rough time. Some people don’t and that’s okay too. Whatever you do to help yourself heal is okay. 

The more you avoid the feelings, the more they will build up. They won’t go away. Yes, confronting them will be HARD and you’ll have really bad days. But I can tell you that you’ll also have okay days, and some good ones too. With the help of a support team(therapist, psychiatrist, friends, support groups), you’ll be able to get through. Because on the days you don’t feel like you can, you’ll be able to reach out which takes a lot of strength. You posting here already shows you’re taking steps to be healthy. 

Sending you peace and love. You’ve had a rough road and everything you are feeling is valid and normal. So hard to say normal when our lives feel anything but that. A Google search in your area will help you find more support, lots of virtual options where you don’t even have to have your camera on. You found this website which was a huge step forward. Good for you for taking care of yourself. Good for you!