I can't even think of a title

[Raven47]

My boyfriend went kayaking yesterday 04/10/21. They found his body today 04/11/21. I don't know what to do. And to think I felt emptiness before. I feel hollow. He was my everything. We've been together for 6 years I knew him for 7 and a half. We met at a camp reunion where he proceeded to ask if I wanted a coffee with him. He was a shy, lovable, know it all perfect person who would do anything for you. He deserved better than the life he was dealt. Putting everything I say about him in past tense is really what's fucking me up. I keep thinking "I just talked to you though." I can't imagine a day where I get over him. He will be my first and last love. No one can compare. I will always and forever love Brian Christopher Saucier♡.

[jmmosley53]

Hello Raven47,

I am so sorry that this has happened to Brian and you.  It is so normal to have a hard time with thinking about much of anything.  You are in shock, There are so many things that go through your mind, but most of it is out of focus.

We know your pain, we understand how your heart hurts.  Grief is sort of a journey, some time things are okay and some times life in general sucks. Everyone travels this journey at their own pace.

One thing I know is that it is important that you do not neglect your health, get your nutrients, and sleep.  Try to put off any major decisions for a while.  Wait until you are less foggy.

Again, I am sorry this has happened, but I am glad you found this site.

 

[Raven47]

I am trying but I feel guilty doing anything now because he can't. How can I eat when he can't? How can I comb my hair when he can't? How can I go and eat sushi without him? I'm trying. Thank you for your help.

[Gail 8588]

Raven47,

I am also so very sorry for your terrible loss.  It is so unfair.  It is so hard to comprehend how he can be gone from this world. 

It will take awhile for your mind to adjust to this new reality. On the one hand you will understand it happened but at the same time your mind will find it impossible that he is not here.  

Many of us experience that feeling that the world can't really be going on without him. It's just not possible. 

You are right that you won't "get over him".   There is no getting over losing your true love.  You will learn to carry his memory with you.  It won't always be as painful as it is right now.  But you will love him always. 

Right now, just grieve his death. It is tragic and overwhelming.  Try to eat a bit and get some sleep when you can.  That is all that you can ask of yourself right now.  

Come here and vent whenever you feel the need. We understand better than most people the pain you are in, because we have had our lives shattered by the death of our true love too.  We will offer what comfort we can.  At least you will know you are not alone.

Hugs

Gail

[AnnRA]

Raven, my heart goes out to you at this awful time.  Please try and understand that you are in total shock for now. You need to think in very small “bits” for now, just to survive, ok?  Think about something you can eat, just a small something for the moment. Drink water. Go to your doctor for help for sleeping. Breathe.   You CAN survive this. Everyone on this site has felt like this and we are here to help you. Just get through today.  Survive, honey, we are here to help you.  

[steveb]

Raven, I’m so sorry for your loss.  Let friends and family help you through your pain and suffering. Rely on them so that you can focus on yourself, your grief, and your health. I hope we can provide you some comfort here. God bless, Steve. 

[Gina Mahlan]

Raven, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  In the days ahead you will find yourself denying that this even happened.  That is how our body responds to such a shock.  I lost my partner of 27 years last April 2020, and I am still grieving.  Allow yourself the time to grieve, cry, be angry, holler out loud.   There is no time limit, all I wanted to do those first few weeks was to sleep, because maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much.  If you are a religious person, ask God and His mother for help.  I will keep you in my prayers.

[SDC]

I'm so sorry your beloved Brian died suddenly in an accident. All loss is brutal, but an unexpected death is especially shocking. Take life hour by hour and give into your emotions (rather than try to fight or repress them). Be sure to drink water, try to eat something healthy, and be very careful if you have to drive (you're distracted). Grief is harrowing and lonely. Reading posts here at least remind you that you aren't alone in how you feel. Sending a hug. 

[Roxeanne]

Raven i also lost my love suddenly....i remember the first days as an horror movie...i saw myself acting as i was an actress in a nightmare! It's shocking and very hard...i only wanted the night to come and find some relief! 

Take care of you as many here said, try to find some help from your family and friends...we are here for you! We understand... We lost our true love as you...

[KayC]

Raven,

I am so sorry!  My husband's death was sudden unexpected also, very hard!  No way to prepare for something like this, he was my heart and soul also.

I didn't see how I could live without him for a week but now it's been almost 16 years.  Discovering a site like this saved me when I went through it and we want to be here for you as you go through this.  I encourage you to read/post, vent, cry, scream, we understand. 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[jmmosley53]

On 4/11/2021 at 7:46 PM, Raven47 said:

I am trying but I feel guilty doing anything now because he can't. How can I eat when he can't? How can I comb my hair when he can't? How can I go and eat sushi without him? I'm trying. Thank you for your help.

Hi Raven47 - Darling guilt can eat you alive right now.  It is so common to try and put the blame on yourself.  We blame ourselves things that were totally out of our control and for just being alive.

You can eat because he would be mad at you for neglecting yourself.  I imagine he would laugh at you uncombed hair.

As hard as it is to realize right now is that the world is going to turn whether you want it to or not. This just the fact, we can't change it.

Perhaps think about writing a letter from Brian to you.  What would he tell you, what would be his opinion on your sushi eating?  I found this helpful.

[Gina Mahlan]

Raven, oh, have I experienced the same emotions as you are feeling right now.  The feeling of guilt that comes over you when you try to do or eat something that he liked.  He's not here to enjoy this with me, why should I enjoy it now?  After a year, I am just able to go into a grocery store and not leave in tears;  going up and down the aisles, seeing all the things I normally bought for him, and no longer need to just made the tears well up.  He was Hispanic, I'm not, and he introduced me to their culture and rituals and especially the food.  Going to buy groceries just brought back so many memories of dishes he made, I finally had to resort to online delivery. I will return to the grocery store, maybe someday, but not yet.  When I grow tired of hearing cable news, I would turn off TV and put radio on, only to hear one song after another that brought such vivid memories back, then more tears.  But, like others, I resolved to just take one day at a time, and that helps.  Your loss is so fresh, I remember the total despair and sadness I felt during those first few months.  It may not feel like it, but it will get just a little bit better each day, but surely the missing him will not.