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My 5 year old cat was put down yesterday, I am heart broken, feel lost


Sana

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I had to put my best friend, my sweet angel, Poca Luz down yesterday. She was only 5 and a half years old. I am full of guilt. 

The woman I got her from found her shivering in the frozen grass on the side of a highway. She was probably a week or so when she was found. I adopted her right away, that was over 5 years ago. Poca came to me during a dark time in my life, so I gave her the name Poca Luz which translates to 'Little Light'. Ironically, she was the biggest light in my life. She was a small cat with the sweetest soul, best temperament, just an all around angel. Everyone, and I'm serious when I say everyone, who met her just loved her. I would always hear 'your cat is so sweet, your cat is so kind'. She never once bit or scratched me. She just loved and gosh she was so loved in return, by many people. Friends of mine who dislike cats even loved her. Poca you are so special. 

Over the years Poca had bouts of illnesses which the vets always said were fevers. I got her bloodwork done multiple times and it always came back fine. Guilt is raging inside of me for not getting her an ultrasound. I knew deep down something serious was wrong with my baby, but why the hell did I not get her an ultrasound. I had no excuse not to. I thought the medication the vets were giving her would be fine. And I can't help but wonder if the fever medication they put her on a year ago contributed to her failing liver. She died yesterday after the vet said she was suffering from heart disease, liver disease and that the sac her heart was sitting in had excess fluid. My poor baby, she was ready to go. I had given her to my boyfriend temporarily last month because my other cat was bullying her. I only visited Poca 3 times. Did she wonder where I went? Was she angry with me for disappearing? I was in the process of rehoming my other cat and planned on bringing Poca Luz back home next week. I was ready for it to just be me and her and I would do anything for her to get better. My playful, healthy cat was no longer. She lost so much weight her bones were sticking out, she had pulled some of her hair out. I thought it was depression because of the bullying from my other cat. I keep thinking she is somewhere looking for me, but why would she visit my home with the other cat here? I just want her in my arms but I know she is pain free now. It still just hurts so much. 

I used to sing her a Swedish lullaby because it seemed to calm and put her to sleep. I sang it to her yesterday after they put her down. I never knew what the lyrics meant until today. 

 

Who can sail without wind,

Who can row without oars,

Who can part from their friend

Without shedding tears?

 

I can sail without wind,

I can row without oars,

But I can't part from my friend

Without shedding tears. 

IMG_2712.JPG

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I love this picture, thank you for sharing her story with us.  We want to provide them a loving home but find we receive much more than we give them!  I am so sorry for your loss.

Guilt is a part of grief, we want a do-over, we're looking for any different outcome than the one that happened.  

 
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I'm really sorry to read about your loss. Lovely picture and a lovely verse. Unfortunately where there's grief it seems guilt is never far away. Even though we do our best, it never seems enough. If we do a thousand things, we beat ourselves up over one thing we think we didn't do. I know what you mean about vets, we trust they know best. Sometimes they miss things, it's hard to know what to do. You gave her to your boyfriend to help, you were doing it for her. You were not aware of what was to happen. She knew you loved her, and at the time it would have been the best place for her.I lost my boy Goldie 4 months ago, I had a counsellor who helped me realise much of the guilt I had wasn't logical. She is around you now, once they pass they are happy and whole, she may be sending signs, I've had some which is reassuring to me. Talking is good, there is always someone here to talk to. 

 

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On 4/10/2021 at 9:07 PM, Sana said:

I had to put my best friend, my sweet angel, Poca Luz down yesterday. She was only 5 and a half years old. I am full of guilt. 

The woman I got her from found her shivering in the frozen grass on the side of a highway. She was probably a week or so when she was found. I adopted her right away, that was over 5 years ago. Poca came to me during a dark time in my life, so I gave her the name Poca Luz which translates to 'Little Light'. Ironically, she was the biggest light in my life. She was a small cat with the sweetest soul, best temperament, just an all around angel. Everyone, and I'm serious when I say everyone, who met her just loved her. I would always hear 'your cat is so sweet, your cat is so kind'. She never once bit or scratched me. She just loved and gosh she was so loved in return, by many people. Friends of mine who dislike cats even loved her. Poca you are so special. 

Over the years Poca had bouts of illnesses which the vets always said were fevers. I got her bloodwork done multiple times and it always came back fine. Guilt is raging inside of me for not getting her an ultrasound. I knew deep down something serious was wrong with my baby, but why the hell did I not get her an ultrasound. I had no excuse not to. I thought the medication the vets were giving her would be fine. And I can't help but wonder if the fever medication they put her on a year ago contributed to her failing liver. She died yesterday after the vet said she was suffering from heart disease, liver disease and that the sac her heart was sitting in had excess fluid. My poor baby, she was ready to go. I had given her to my boyfriend temporarily last month because my other cat was bullying her. I only visited Poca 3 times. Did she wonder where I went? Was she angry with me for disappearing? I was in the process of rehoming my other cat and planned on bringing Poca Luz back home next week. I was ready for it to just be me and her and I would do anything for her to get better. My playful, healthy cat was no longer. She lost so much weight her bones were sticking out, she had pulled some of her hair out. I thought it was depression because of the bullying from my other cat. I keep thinking she is somewhere looking for me, but why would she visit my home with the other cat here? I just want her in my arms but I know she is pain free now. It still just hurts so much. 

I used to sing her a Swedish lullaby because it seemed to calm and put her to sleep. I sang it to her yesterday after they put her down. I never knew what the lyrics meant until today. 

 

Who can sail without wind,

Who can row without oars,

Who can part from their friend

Without shedding tears?

 

I can sail without wind,

I can row without oars,

But I can't part from my friend

Without shedding tears. 

IMG_2712.JPG

I’m so sorry for your loss :( I lost my baby on the 19th of April suddenly. I still feel pain and I can't eat or do anything my baby took his last breath in my arms and I couldn't do anything I'm broken. I still can't believe he's gone I adopted him since the day he was born and lived with me for almost 4 years my Titania. 

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