Lost my soulmate on Christmas Eve 2020

[Linda C]

I saw this site while grieving for my partner of nearly 40 years. He never eluded how sick he really was and when he could hide it no more I called an ambulance when he couldn’t breathe, was hallucinating and suffering. I waited in the waiting room for over four hours and when the doctors came out they told me he was put on a ventilator. He remained on a ventilator for three weeks. I always knew what he did and did not want when it came to life support but nothing prepares you for having to carry them out. After two weeks I asked the hospital to wake him so I could be sure that what I knew his wishes were what he wanted now that he was struggling for life and they did and I will never forget when I looked in his eyes and said “do you know who I am.”  He knew he couldn’t speak due to the tube in his throat but in order for me to know he knew who I was he gave me a big smile. I kissed him with love but had to try to speak with him. I said to him “they want to trach you so you can breathe which means you will have a tube in your throat. And if they don’t do it you will visit your mother. He knew what that meant, his mother passed away of cancer when he was a teenager. He said no trach. I kissed him and he was put under heavy sedation once again. A few days went by and each day his vitals and pneumonia had improved and they said we are going to remove him from the ventilator. He was the hospital miracle. And for one day we were able to sit together while I gave him ice cubes and held his hand. Then that night they said they had to put him on a cpap oxygen machine which he should have been using all along but wouldn’t. He was a man that had trouble getting a hold of his bad habits and doing what he should of for his health but no one is perfect and I loved him anyway. The next day I had to make the horrific decision to put him back on comfort care. It was Christmas Eve, the snow was gently falling and it was quite beautiful. I asked the doctors to make sure he stays sedated and I don’t want him grabbing his chest struggling to breathe.  And he slowly got less and less oxygen in his body and at 5:36pm Christmas Eve he left this world. Although I know I was able to give him a peaceful passing I am devastated he is gone forever. I had him cremated and kept my promise to bring him back to New York from Kentucky and put some of his ashes into the sea where he loved to boat and fish. His children and I had a nice small service with his closest friends and family which turned out to be lovely and the rest of the ashes were put into a niche at St. Charles cemetery where he can look at his mother and father just beyond him. Life has not been the same without him. He was bigger then life and is so terribly missed. I still sob four months later and want him back. I signed on to the site to see how others cope with this. I’m having great difficulty. I am catholic at birth but never really believed that we go on after death. After his death I would notice many signs that could be explained away by coincidence but one day I walked in and the television was on in our room. I knew I turned it off. I wasn’t scared but confused. Does anyone on this site feel that are loved ones know we are grieving and miss them and try to let us know they are still with us on some way.   I don’t mean to weird anyone out but would like to know. I find it comforts me sometimes. Even though I grieve for him every day. We shared an entire life together. He was my strength. His arms around me made me feel safe and such a gentlemen he was even when chivalry seems to be long gone. He would never let me get up or come back to a table without standing up when I left and came back. He was handsome even with a full head of graying hair. He was only 64. He could have had so much life left with me and I truly want him back. Thank you all for letting me read your stories. Some sound similar to mine and they have helped. Although, I am far from recovered yet and I hope to get to a place where I can listen to music without crying my eyes out. Thank you all for listening. It helps just to tell the story. 

[KayC]

Definitely, many of us have had signs!  I knew someone whose wife would ring the doorbell to let him know she was there.  I've had some signs as well, pansies were our flower, he called them the smiling flower and we had some growing on the deck, but they're delicate and never make it through the winter snows (I live in the mountains), a year after his death a pansy emerged just below the deck (8 feet below as it's elevated), no way it could survive the harsh winter but it did.  Another time my car broke down and I was on foot, and a pansy peeped at me through the cement sidewalk, seemingly impossible but there it was!  The biggest time was when I was looking into retiring as I'd lost my job and faced age discrimination so no income coming in, the soc. sec. office told me I'd get $250/month!  I worked all my life, I couldn't live on that, my anxiety kicked in full bore, I tried calling a different rep but they closed for a three day weekend.  I was laying on my bed and felt George's hand on my back/shoulder, I'd know his touch anywhere!  Instantly I calmed, after the weekend called and got a different rep and he filed for me, and no it wasn't $250/month.    I don't know how they do it, but they manage when we most need it it seems.  II have heard it takes great effort.  I have had two NDEs myself so there's no doubt in my mind, I know what I experienced.

I welcome you to this site and encourage you to express yourself here, it helps to around others that get it.  I wrote this article at about ten years out, random order, not a one size fits all but hopefully something in it will be of help to you today, maybe something else further on down the road as our journey evolves.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Linda C]

Thank you for your story and kind words. There was a reason I found this site shortly after shedding yet more tears. I’m glad to hear your life is well and improved each day. 

[SDC]

I'm sorry for your loss and suffering. I relate to much of what you wrote, especially:  " . . . always knew what he did and did not want when it came to life support but nothing prepares you for having to carry them out."  I removed my husband from life support last year (April 2020) after he sustained brain damage in a fall. I know unequivocally that he did not want life support if he was brain damaged, but knowing that intellectually is far different than being emotionally prepared. I'm grateful that I knew and didn't debate in real time and I'm grateful I was able to help him have a peaceful death. But still, I wish I didn't feel connected to his death. It's a strange thing to live with.  I had a dream a couple of months after his death that put me at ease. I feel like I get signs from him too. I don't know if they're just my brain giving me what I need or what--but I embrace them either way. Be kind and patient with yourself as you mourn your love. Four months is very raw and fresh. I've found grief is not at all linear--there is no straight line with grief. The wave metaphor I heard throughout my life is accurate--the intensity of grief wanes and changes and you have to just roll with the emotional onslaught.

[jmmosley53]

Hello Linda C,

How wonderful that you feel your beloved husband's presence.  It is so difficult to come to grips with the fact that they are gone, I would have that realization several times a day and each time I would break down and cry.  We know that they are gone - but it seems unreal that they are not here with us.  We ask, how could this all have happened.

Grief is a sad painful journey sometimes, but sometimes, a memory will come that just fills you with the sweet tenderness you always knew with him.  I am hoping that the sweet memories become more prevalent than the sad memories for all of us.

As the others have said, go slow, take care of yourself physically (breath, eat, sleep).  And, give yourself all the time you need.  Never worry about crying.  Your husband was worth a few tears.

[Diane R. E.]

Hello Linda; I am so very sorry for your loss. My husband of 37 years passed away in August 2020 and we just had his memorial this past Sunday. Signs from your partner will come when you least expect it. The first big sign from my husband was when a group of my former students sent me a Morse code bracelet. They had known that Doug was in the military, but they had no idea that he had been in Army Intelligence as a Morse code interceptor! The bracelet has beads that say "My dearest Doug, I carry your heart in mine" in Morse code. It struck me like a lightening bolt, and I cried so much, but in a good way. My heart goes out to you!