Another night, another day of nothingness

[Yellowing]

I'm bracing myself for another night of not sleeping and feeling crushed by the absence of the man I love the most.

In three days it will be five months since he died. 

Every day and night is a struggle. It's a mental work out to convince myself to stay functional, get things done, answer when spoken to, eat, brush my hair and its even worse to actually have to do it.

I feel completely directionless. I used to be very type A. Driven, organized, focused, looking for results, but all of that was for the sake of our plans and our vision for the future. Something we constructed together. Something we were going to attempt together. He was creative, clever, improvised, injected the element of fun and surprise, and I played by the rules. It was going to work out great. So far, it was working and now I don't have more plans, there is no vision to complete, because it was a plan for two. My life was intertwined with his. My goals and my desires included him every step of the way.

I don't feel like rebuilding myself solo. The drive is not kicking in. I go through the motions because we have children, and they need me more than ever. I know they need more, but I can't find the energy or the conviction to be the mom they deserve. 

I know I have some PTSD symptoms. His death was violent. Harrowing. Worst than anything I ever imagined possible. And I saw it. I saw that moment when his eyes went from being "here" to being completely gone... and I don't know how to get past that. I'm stuck in that moment. But am I looking for treatment? Am I taking charge of how things are going? Not really. I just want to stop thinking.

It's so terrible to love someone who doesn't exist anymore. What can I do with this love? It has nowhere to go, and its so precious...

[LoriLynn]

So sorry for you. I have similar feelings as my husband of 33 years is dying of brain cancer. I can only offer that without my faith I would be hopeless. It helps motivate me to move forward and rebuild. I hope you can seek this for yourself and find your purpose to live. 

[Gail 8588]

Yellowing, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  You are so young and this is so unfair. You had your whole life before you. 

When you have children to care for, doing "just what needs to be done today" leaves little time for rest and recovery. 

I hope you have family or close friends to help you. 

I encourage you to talk to your doctor about your sleep issues.  Being in a constant state of sleep deprivation is not good for anyone. It can be dangerous if you are driving while exhausted. 

I am so sorry your husband died, and that you witnessed the terrible event.  I know too well how hard it is to stop recalling/reliving moments you wish would fade. 

Do what you can to remember his love, his smile.  I wear a locket with my husband's photo inside, so I can look at his smiling face whenever I feel the need. 

Come here to vent whenever you want. We understand what a life shattering loss this is. Our lives have been shattered too. We will provide what support we can.  There is some small measure of comfort knowing you are not alone. 

Gail

[KayC]

@Yellowing  I am so sorry, and sorry for the way in which he was lost to you.  No one should ever have to experience that and to have it cut one's life short, there are no words adequate to convey the feeling behind the comfort I want to convey to you.

Come here any time, vent, cry, scream, it's okay, we understand and welcome you here, you're part of this group now, even though none of us ever asked for or deserved it.  I'm gglad we have each other to go through this with, it makes all the difference in the world, at least it did to me.  

You are at one of the hardest times in the journey...shock wears off and support goes home, everyone's lives move on but our own.  Instead we're left with this reality that we wish we could hide from.  But everything is a reminder of their absence.

There are things you can do about the memories that haunt you, a good grief counselor would be a place to start, but I want to give you these links to hang onto for when you are ready to deal with it.  I just want you to know there are some helps available.  
EFT
EFT in Grief
EMDR
Brainspotting and EMDR
Psychology Tools, CBT, EMDR

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Yellowing]

Thank you for your replies. I took some time to read them, carefully and one by one.

I feel hopeless, but like I want to have hope... just don't know where to find it or how to materialize it. Anything I can learn or catch might be the key...

I visited his father and grandfather today, with the kids. His father told me something that rings very. very true "it seems difficult to rebuild, when there's nothing but rubble to work with". He was speaking from his own experience. I don't pretend to know what he's living every day. I don't want to say that I agree, because I have our children, but I nodded in silence, somewhat involuntarily.

[steveb]

YellowIng, I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your husband. By coming here and expressing your thoughts and feelings as you did; it  looks to me that you already have “hope”.    

[CNCBoogie]

 

On 4/9/2021 at 2:15 AM, Yellowing said:

I feel completely directionless. I used to be very type A. Driven, organized, focused, looking for results, but all of that was for the sake of our plans and our vision for the future. Something we constructed together. Something we were going to attempt together.

I am also struggling to find any drive or initiative these days.. Sincerely sorry for your loss.

[jmmosley53]

Hello Yellowing,

I am very sorry for your loss. 

Take your time trying to find a direction, or making 'big picture' plans.  It has only been a few months since you lost your husband. Most people I have seen at your time line of grief feel lucky to get out of bed each day.  I realize you have children to consider but give yourself time. 

None of us want to start reinventing ourselves.  We were all happy with how it was.  But, the days keep passing and the time marches on and we don't have a choice but to stumble along until we fall into a comfortable state of being.

Take care of your self.  Get your rest and nutrition - for right now that is enough.  Our lives will unfold in time, there is no need to rush.  When your sadness becomes over whelming, come here.  We get it.

[TLN]

15 hours ago, Yellowing said:

His father told me something that rings very. very true "it seems difficult to rebuild, when there's nothing but rubble to work with".

Dear Yellowing, Difficult...but not impossible. I always heard that saying, I don't know who said it; but it's about beauty rising out of ashes. I don't know of any beauty more beautiful than love and family; your husband's death is the ashes; but your husband's children are the beauty, and indeed worth living for. Maybe thinking of it in this way will strengthen you to get out of bed and live, even if it is only for them. And maybe with enough strength, you'll start to feel life again in yourself, and get up for you as well. Be well, @TLN.

[LoveNeverDies]

On 4/9/2021 at 2:15 AM, Yellowing said:

It's so terrible to love someone who doesn't exist anymore. What can I do with this love? It has nowhere to go, and its so precious...

Grief is just love with no place to go...

I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband, my heart breaks for you. I lost my soulmate on 11/27/2020 . The pain of losing him doesn’t get any easier, I just try to take one day at a time. I hope you find some comfort here on this site . ((( Huge Hugs )))

[KayC]

I echo the sentiments of those posted here, my heart goes out to you...one day at a time, and yes, it helps to have incentive to go on, such as your children.  

[Sparky1]

@Yellowing
I am sorry for your loss. You will find comfort here knowing that we are going through the loss of our partners and we can sympathize with you.

I love my wife very much and continue to love her even though I can't see her or hear her. I understand your feelings though because my heart aches because I love my wife so much. We all have that longing to be with our loved one, and I can't wait to be together with my wife again. I'm almost at 6 months without her and I am devastated, lonely, and feel like a lost puppy in an endless void.
I hope that you can relate to the experiences that we all share here.

 

 

 

[DMB]

I am so sorry.  I have a zoom with fam in 10 minutes and I just want to scream!  I know the feeling of having no direction.  I am on a mission to finish things still, but when I think of family and especially our children, I pray to not have to endure anymore hardship then I already have.  I really, really despise being out here on my own.