A sad Hello

[nikkinaz]

I thought I’d say Hi to everyone in this forum as I have been reading all through the posts for the last 3 months.

My name is Nikki (50) and I lost my husband Andrey who was 54 very suddenly with no warning on the 3rd of January this year. I feel so lost and alone and this grief with all it’s pain and never ending questions with no where to go and also the physical grief is too much to bear

I was already in grief as my brother who came to live with us 6months prior had committed suicide in our home. He was suffering from bi-polar. So all this just compounds everything.

I liken my grief (besides the pain etc) as standingin the road with nowhere to go. As well at times feels like someone has thrown a heavy blanket over me, that no matter how hard I try I can’t find my way out.

The posts and chats between all of us does make sense and I see myself in so many of them. I so wish that none of us where here But just also wanna say to you folks everyone is so compassionate, that it can help some days.

 

 

[ScotJ65]

Hi Nikki, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you've had an incredibly difficult time recently, losing both your brother and your husband in such a short space of time. It must be quite overwhelming. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my partner in November to Huntingdon's disease, a particularly cruel and horrible condition. She only lasted a few months after showing serious symptoms, so her suffering wasn't too prolonged. She was only 54.

I can relate to how you must be feeling right now as my heart breaks for her every day, and I miss her terribly. I find great strength and comfort venting my feelings on here, and I'm sure you will too. There's so many incredibly compassionate and inspirational people on here.

I take one day at a time now, and my faith in God also gives me the strength to carry on. Take care and never forget we're all here for one another. Find strength in whatever way you can. James.

[Gail 8588]

Nikki,

Welcome to our tribe. We are so sorry that you have reason to join us here, but we will offer what comfort we can give.

Two terrible losses in just a few months. Each of them so tragic and unfair. My heart breaks for you. 

That feeling of standing in a road with nowhere to go, describes my grief too. I couldn't figure out which way to go, couldn't figure out where my destination was supposed to be. Didn't have the strength to start walking. It was all confusion. Nothing made sense. 

It will take a while for that brain fog to clear out. For now, don't try to figure out the future, just focus on what has to be done today.  It is too overwhelming to try to look very far ahead.  

Eventually bits of light will reach you under that heavy blanket of grief and you will find your way to life again. 

Thanks for sharing your story. We are here for you anytime. 

Gail

[KayC]

Oh Nikki, I am so sorry!  To lose your brother that way and then your young husband...life just isn't fair.  My husband died suddenly/unexpectedly just after his 51st birthday, on Father's Day, nearly 16 years ago.  I was in shock!  I didn't see how I could live without him for a week, but here I am, still, nearly 16 years later.  While we never get over it, we miss and love them the rest of our lives, eventually we adjust and learn to cope with the changes it means for our lives, at least as much as one is able to adjust. 

Multiple Losses

I'm glad you found this site, it was a site such as this that literally saved me when I went through it.  You have been reading here for a while so may have already seen this but I want to make sure you have it in your own thread where you can find it later on down the road (we can find our original post by going to our profile and clicking on our activity and then clicking on the end result to find our earliest post!).

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[nikkinaz]

Thank you for replying means a lot when you reach out to me 

[jmmosley53]

Hello Nikkinaz,

I am sorry for your losses.  I wouldn't worry too much about not know which way to go right now.  There is always so much to do but if you can, don't make big decisions right now.  You are in shock.  It is so hard to plan and focus in the early months of grief.  Just take the best care of you that you can.  Go slow, and give your self permission to have 'I am not doing a darn thing today' days and 'If I burst into tears in the middle of a store because a meaningful tune came on' it is okay.  

As you know grieving takes a lot of energy - so get your nutrition and rest.

[steveb]

Thank you for sharing Nikki.  I am so very sorry for your losses.  This forum has some excellent folks that are very supportive. I’m glad you are getting some comfort from it.  Please take care of yourself. God bless, Steve 

[Sparky1]

I'm sorry for your loss Nikki. You'll find lots of support over here as most of us have lost the love of their lives. Yours is a very tough grieving situation as you've also lost your brother. I hope you can get some strength by coming here.

[KayC]

Today it''s enough just to remember to breathe, eat something, drink some water.  You are where you can be expected to be.  I often equate this to brain trauma, no one would expect instant recovery from that, they shouldn't from this either.  It takes time, for all of us, it takes what it takes.  (((hugs)))

[LoveNeverDies]

Nikki, I’m so sorry for your losses. I hope you find some comfort here with us ! (((Huge Hugs))

[Missy1]

Sorry for your loss  it’s life altering and shakes you to the core. This is a great place with kind sincere people who try to share their experiences and offer some comfort knowing you are not alone. Breathe and take baby steps, take it slow, one day at a time.