A month of hard firsts

[SDC]

April 1 was my first birthday since his death. My 20th was the first b-day we celebrated together & I just turned 58. April is also the first anniversary of his accident (4/15), the day I took him off life support (4/23), and the day he died (4/25). And a special absurdity from the universe: he was cremated on the day we were married 4/30. I dread so many upcoming dates and I'm exhausted just thinking about them. But I know the only way through is to endure and give in to how the days make me feel. I just needed to type all this somewhere. People in my life are pretty oblivious. Folks want grief to get better and fade away. I understand that grief is individual and processed essentially alone--as no one was a close to him as I was, but still . . . I find myself wishing people could do better. 

[KayC]

Can you elaborate on your last sentence, do you mean you wish others were more supportive of you in your grief?

[SDC]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Can you elaborate on your last sentence, do you mean you wish others were more supportive of you in your grief?

Yes, Kay. No one checks in on my grief now and that surprises me. It is what is and I usually deal with it better. But when the grief feels heavy again I feel acutely aware of what feels lacking. 

[Sparky1]

3 hours ago, SDC said:

Yes, Kay. No one checks in on my grief now and that surprises me.

I keep thinking the same thing almost every day. I have about a handful of family and friends that I communicate with on a regular basis. Otherwise, it seems relatives, good friends, have all but forgotten about me. I'm alone in the house, it would be nice if they would call once in a while and see if I'm still alive. My wife used to say, ' if you don't respect me now that I'm alive, don't come and cry when I'm gone.' She was always right, and I miss her so much.

[SDC]

9 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

I keep thinking the same thing almost every day. I have about a handful of family and friends that I communicate with on a regular basis. Otherwise, it seems relatives, good friends, have all but forgotten about me. I'm alone in the house, it would be nice if they would call once in a while and see if I'm still alive. My wife used to say, ' if you don't respect me now that I'm alive, don't come and cry when I'm gone.' She was always right, and I miss her so much.

Sorry you're feeling the same. Grief is incredibly lonely. It's astounding that people can't manage something super easy like a text :"Thinking of you. I know the one year anniversary is this month and it must be hard." Instead, nothing. The silence adds another layer of hurt on top of grief and who the heck needs that? Not me. Haha Ugh. Thanks for responding. 

[KayC]

It's amazing to me that people think we should be over it...we never are.  My kids didn't even bring it up after the first year or so.  People's empathy seems to run out, like an expired lease.  The grief continues, we just learn to live with it privately...unless we're fortunate enough to know another widow/er that gets it, and even then, some of them...their experience is not like ours.  Maybe they were married to someone but not in love, not soul mates, maybe they had serious disconnect or problems, so they can't relate to what we're feeling.  I was married 23 years to someone emotionally unavailable, if he'd have died my grief would not compare to what I experience after losing George, who was the love of my life and everything to me.  I think grief support groups can be helpful, I ran one before Covid, I miss doing that, it was my passion and I cared about each one of them.  Covid has stolen so much from all of us.

[Gail 8588]

SCD, 

I am so sorry April has so many rough days for you.  I know how exhausting that is, dreading the approach of one day and then another.  Trying to hold yourself together. Falling apart on some of them. It truly is exhausting.

My husband had a stroke on Feb 7 and died Mar 3 (4 yrs ago). Nearly each of those 25 days holds a terrible memory for me. The last day he was able to speak, the last day he was able to eat, days he coded and was revived, day he was placed on a ventilator, feeding tube, etc. The 3 times I called our children to come home, that their father was dying. Signing the DNR order.  Disconnecting life support. 

In January I start dreading the approach of Feb 7.  I try not to think about/relive those terrible 25 days, but the memories flood into my mind over my objection. It's hard for me to carry on a conversation, as my mind is back in the ICU praying for him to recover. 

No one around me has any idea how hard those 25 days are for me.  Grief is a very lonely experience. 

I wish that people around us understood more, but until you go through this, you just don't have any understanding about the extent of the pain. I certainly didn't understand.  

But now I do know, and I am so sorry April is going to be so hard for you.  Be as kind to yourself as you can.  If there is some way you can do something nice for yourself, do it. Buy icecream you like, take bubble baths, get a pedicure, etc.  Something to cheer you up a bit. 

Gail

[TLN]

57 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Buy icecream you like, take bubble baths, get a pedicure, etc.  Something to cheer you up a bit. 

Yes, self-care is very important. Thanks Gail.

[SDC]

6 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

SCD, 

I am so sorry April has so many rough days for you.  I know how exhausting that is, dreading the approach of one day and then another.  Trying to hold yourself together. Falling apart on some of them. It truly is exhausting.

My husband had a stroke on Feb 7 and died Mar 3 (4 yrs ago). Nearly each of those 25 days holds a terrible memory for me. The last day he was able to speak, the last day he was able to eat, days he coded and was revived, day he was placed on a ventilator, feeding tube, etc. The 3 times I called our children to come home, that their father was dying. Signing the DNR order.  Disconnecting life support. 

In January I start dreading the approach of Feb 7.  I try not to think about/relive those terrible 25 days, but the memories flood into my mind over my objection. It's hard for me to carry on a conversation, as my mind is back in the ICU praying for him to recover. 

No one around me has any idea how hard those 25 days are for me.  Grief is a very lonely experience. 

I wish that people around us understood more, but until you go through this, you just don't have any understanding about the extent of the pain. I certainly didn't understand.  

But now I do know, and I am so sorry April is going to be so hard for you.  Be as kind to yourself as you can.  If there is some way you can do something nice for yourself, do it. Buy icecream you like, take bubble baths, get a pedicure, etc.  Something to cheer you up a bit. 

Gail

Gail, Thank you for your thoughtful, kind reply. I appreciate you taking the time to share. In turn I'm sorry you begin dreading Feb 7 when January arrives and endure reliving a sequence of painful days. And I'm sorry you spent 25 days scared, worried, and uncertain about your husband. That's a long time. I plan to be extra good to myself in anyway I can this month. A pedicure is a good idea--I haven't had one since pre-COVID times and boy, do I need one! My old cat died last month and adopted a 10 month old last weekend--he's cracking me up and I'm grateful for the timing of his arrival. Day by day mode is the only way through. Thanks again for your kindness. 

[SDC]

22 hours ago, KayC said:

It's amazing to me that people think we should be over it...we never are.  My kids didn't even bring it up after the first year or so.  People's empathy seems to run out, like an expired lease.  The grief continues, we just learn to live with it privately...unless we're fortunate enough to know another widow/er that gets it, and even then, some of them...their experience is not like ours.  Maybe they were married to someone but not in love, not soul mates, maybe they had serious disconnect or problems, so they can't relate to what we're feeling.  I was married 23 years to someone emotionally unavailable, if he'd have died my grief would not compare to what I experience after losing George, who was the love of my life and everything to me.  I think grief support groups can be helpful, I ran one before Covid, I miss doing that, it was my passion and I cared about each one of them.  Covid has stolen so much from all of us.

Thanks Kay. I hope I can find a grief support group that meets in person as things open up more. COVID isolation and restrictions certainly amplified feelings of being very alone. 2020 was a brutal year to lose someone. I often think about the number of people around the globe whose grief is heavier because they weren't able to visit their person in the hospital, talk to doctors/nurses face to face, partake in normal grief rituals, and seek solace in activities/being with people--and I'm struck by the enormous number of people who feel as I do. 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, SDC said:

2020 was a brutal year to lose someone.

I don't know of any worse times.  

[steveb]

On 4/7/2021 at 3:15 PM, SDC said:

Yes, Kay. No one checks in on my grief now and that surprises me. It is what is and I usually deal with it better. But when the grief feels heavy again I feel acutely aware of what feels lacking. 

We are here for you SDC.  I wish I could take away your pain. Heck, I wish I take away everyone’s pain on here.  I am so very appreciative that we are here for each other. 

[Sparky1]

Double 20 was bad luck for a lot of us. I never in a million years thought my wife was going to pass away. She had some bad health problems, but right until she went in to the hospital, we were confident she would be alright after a simple operation.