New Chapter

[ccoflove]

I've been having an anxious time lately wrestling with some big decisions. I have a home 3 hours away that I've kept going on my own for the last 2.5 years. The original plan was for my partner to retire and move there around election season in 2020. That plan died of course when my partner died. I've been in limbo between 2 worlds, a very old, familiar and safe world in the city where my job has been for the same for the last 19 years. The job I kept while grieving. A safe place of comfort. I had been looking at jobs in the rural area where my home is since we bought the place nearly 5 years ago. I recently applied to one that looked interesting, interviewed and landed the job. This would be good news for most, but for me I've been terrified with anxiety. After discussing the opportunity with family and friends I was encouraged to go for it. Yesterday I accepted the offer and today I handed in my resignation. Now I am grieving the loss of the life I've known. I've felt stuck in indecision for so long trying to figure out the next step. I am leaving the nest of safety and starting a new life in that one decision. I dont know if I'm doing the right thing, if I will regret quitting and if I will be happy yet. It's so much change from the life I knew. If my man was here this adjustment would be so much easier. The young me was much braver. It sounds silly compared to the early days of grief but I guess I just need to vent. How have you all coped with major change? Life is so uncertain.

Thanks for listening.

[widower2]

It's not at all silly, in fact I can relate because shortly after I lost the love of my life, I had to move (long story) and needing a place quickly, rented a house, something I thought I'd never do. I figured I'd be here a year or two, maybe three tops, and literally "move on" to buy/build another house.

That was nine years ago. I feel quite stuck, and I think no small part of it is because I'm still clinging to that former life. Every time I think of looking to move or even starting to pack things up, a wave of depression overwhelms me. 

I guess what I'm saying is I admire your courage in this move and wish I shared it! I also wish I shared the support and encouragement of family and friends you had. Nobody I know seems to care whether I stay here forever or not. 

[ccoflove]

Widower2, I understand the feeling of feeling stuck well. It took a long while to find a new routine I could manage in my new life alone. Not an easy routine but manageable. It's hard to leave the safety of that. I cling to a past life too. It has helped to have encouragement, I want to encourage you cause I care! I think you'll make changes when it's right for you and your ready, so be patient with yourself. All the support, it still your decision and you have to listen and know yourself and live with it. It's been scary but if I dont at least try I wont know if things can get better. It helps to take baby steps, little at a time. You dont have to have it all figured out at once.and I tell myself everything is temporary anyways. The love you have is the only thing forever. Thanks ❤

[Perro J]

I congratulate you ccoflove. You are courageously making some changes in your life and you are doing so in the face of uncertainty. This is a courage I also ought muster.

It's kind of odd to me that we can be cast into the lives we have now through a loss that wasn't of our choosing and we continue to make do, yet as soon as we have a say in the matter we vacillate over the decision. I have a hunch you've made the right call. If it turns out that it wasn't - then make another change.

I hope this change proves to be a good one. Good luck!

[ccoflove]

Thank you Perro J. I think I am the queen of indecision, even before my loss I was bad at making decisions. My fear is in a rural area opportunities are fewer and farer between so if I have to make another change that could be difficult. Last night I wanted to rescind everything. I'm trying to visualize this new life. You are perceptive in our loss was not in our control but the things we do have control over can be confusing. None of us have a magic crystal ball. If I did I wouldnt be in this situation, I would have saved my love!

[Gail 8588]

7L3nCocoflove,

I made 2 hugh changes relatively early in my grief.  First I sold the home we had lived in for 14 years (the longest I had ever lived anywhere in my life). I put it on the market just 3 months after John's death and the sale closed  4 months later.

This change, though very emotional, was not so hard for me as it was financially necessary and I rented a home in the same area and kept my same job. Therefore, many of my routines were unchanged. All my friends were still around.

Fifteen months after John's death, I retired from my job and moved 200 miles away to be close to my son and his family.  That move changed everything in my life and was a very difficult time for me.  While I was working, and through the house sale, I was extremely busy, and thereby avoided as much as possible dealing with my grief.  When I retired and moved the second time, I had all of the time with no work and no friends. None of my favorite shops or restaurants.  My son was supportive, but he had work and a wife and his own life.  So for me there was a huge amount loneliness with that move.  Covid made it challenging to make new friends and routines. But even so, I have made good strides now in establishing new routines and social connections.

For you, the move will be to a new job, new coworkers, a lot of stimulation.  I think it can be a very good transition to a new chapter in your life.  

Gail

 

[ccoflove]

That is very courageous moves you made in both major changes Gail 8588. Change is so hard. I'm glad you have adjusted and found new friends and routines. I'm a bundle of nerves.

[KayC]

I admire you!  I have a hard time with change, often waiting until it's forced upon me.  

To your question, you can't know until you try, but I'm sure you weighed the benefits and risks, and from what I know of you here, I believe you will adjust and find good in your new situation.  No change is w/o some risk and loss, but can be the best for us ultimately if gone about with our eyes open and head thinking, which I know you to be.  Congratulations on your new adventure!

[TLN]

23 hours ago, widower2 said:

I feel quite stuck, and I think no small part of it is because I'm still clinging to that former life.

Dear Widower2, I suppose I cling to his memory and the life prior to his death; the way life was before he died and grief took over. It seems like if I hold fast enough he will come back. That must sound ridiculous; I don't mean I live in a delusion or a fantasy world--I know that I will go to him some day, not the other way around. I suppose what I mean is that I am coming around to the hope of restoration from this grief. I think that is a big step in the move forward to life after grief. Yes, a New Chapter, indeed.

16 hours ago, ccoflove said:

It took a long while to find a new routine I could manage in my new life alone. Not an easy routine but manageable. It's hard to leave the safety of that. I cling to a past life too. It has helped to have encouragement,...

Dear ccoflove, Indeed safety in that former life; he was my rock and mast in the tumultuous seas of this world. My new routine is up and down, the same thing over and over again. But I am breaking out, one hurdle at a time. Alone is quite difficult; by far the hardest thing I have ever, or will ever, have to overcome....

16 hours ago, ccoflove said:

It helps to take baby steps, little at a time. You dont have to have it all figured out at once.and I tell myself everything is temporary anyways. The love you have is the only thing forever.

... But, yes, baby steps. It's tempting to grow impatient: I want relief--now. But it doesn't always occur. Thus, little by little by little and I will conquer this trial. I will. And I do agree: Love, if it's true, is forever.

15 hours ago, Perro J said:

It's kind of odd to me that we can be cast into the lives we have now through a loss that wasn't of our choosing and we continue to make do, yet as soon as we have a say in the matter we vacillate over the decision.

Dear Perro J, Not of our choosing is right. Yes, I, too, vacillate when I am in charge; I mean, I am not God--only He makes decisions that are always right. But since that terrible day in May of 2018, even He seems dead. I do not mean I am mad at Him; just that He feels absent--now. Just a terrible silence from above and now all those decisions are mine to make. I struggle with that responsibility every day, too. Thanks for sharing.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, TLN said:

I do not mean I am mad at Him; just that He feels absent--now. Just a terrible silence from above and now all those decisions are mine to make.

It was my experience that grief envelopes us, filtering even God out...doesn't mean He isn't there or that He doesn't care, it means we can't see anything but the grief around us.  It'll return...it can take much time.

[steveb]

cocoflove, it took a lot of guts to make your decision.  I’m glad you had the support of family and friends to advise you. That support network is priceless on so many levels.  I’m 58 years old and at the stage where I can retire if I want to, but I have a great job with great coworkers/friends. Plus, the money is good:).  This job will be my last though. My major decision is when will I leave it, and what will I do with my time. The time part will be easy though:).  I think you made the right decision. Give us an update when you get a chance. God bless, Steve 

[ccoflove]

Thanks Steve, I did speak to my employer that I wasnt 100% certain the new position would work out but that it was an opportunity I couldnt pass on. Everyone at work was so saddened, though supportive of this move. My boss is going to hold my position open for a month and if it's not a good fit I will have the option of returning. That is such an unforeseen blessing and has taken the pressure of this not working out off quite a bit. I feel so much better knowing this decision isn't irreversible while I feel this new job out. It is a big change in my schedule from evenings and nights to morning and an 54 mile commute! Everything is a trade off. Thanks for everyones confidence in me. 

 

[KayC]

I commute 100 miles/day for my last job, I understand, I wish you the best!

[ccoflove]

Thanks Kay!

[steveb]

5 hours ago, ccoflove said:

My boss is going to hold my position open for a month and if it's not a good fit I will have the option of returning. That is such an unforeseen blessing and has taken the pressure of this not working out off quite a bit.

Wow ccoflove ... that’s fantastic!  You are obviously surrounded by wonderful and loving people:). I’m very happy for you!!  

[Sparky1]

@ccoflove
That is what I call a decent and appreciative boss. I'm glad it turned out like this for you. Obviously your boss thinks highly of you.

[KayC]

Yes, amazing boss indeed!  No wonder it's with mixed feelings you leave!