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Grieving a ‘perfect’ relationship

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I broke up with my fiancé last year and I’m still struggling day to day with feeling like half of me is missing.

When COVID struck she moved in with me (something we weren’t planning to do until we got married at the end of May last year) and we only lived together for about 6 weeks until one night I had a massive panic attack, felt like I didn’t love her and physically couldn’t be in the same room as her. She has done nothing wrong but my brain wouldn’t allow me to even be in the same vicinity of her or even talk to her over the phone or text. She stuck it out and did everything she could - gave me space, had patience, did little things to try and cheer me up. But I was empty - I couldn’t function and just lay in bed all day at times contemplating suicide because I wanted to engage with her but couldn’t.

She moved out and eventually broke up with me and I understood however hard that was. Ever since I have been up and down. I reached out to her back in November because I missed her and felt like we could work through it again but for her it was too late and it had gone to far. Asked me not to contact her because she needed to heal. It took me a while to come to terms with the rejection and I started lodging with a friend because I couldn’t bear to be on my own at all. I was apathetic towards my family and often still am.

I moved out my flat because I needed a fresh start away from the memories of her, and I felt better for it. But the past two weeks it has hit me again. I miss her terribly but mostly I feel empty, like a part of me is missing and I don’t know who I am anymore.

I don’t think I’ll ever have an answer to why I suddenly panicked overnight and couldn’t be near her. But I can’t accept that and move on.

Everything was perfect, neither of us had done anything wrong and we loved each other for who we were. It was a whirlwind of a relationship - I asked her to marry me after only a year of dating. But everything I read talks about a relationship ending because one person isn’t good for another, or cheats, or treats them badly. But for me this isn’t the case. She did nothing wrong and it wasn’t like I gradually fell out of love with her. It literally happened overnight, like a switch in my head. Sometimes I think it would be easier if one of us had cheated, as bad as it sounds, because at least then I would have a reason.

But I feel like I don’t know what it is that I’m grieving and I’m scared that it could happen again in the future. But I can’t imagine her voice anymore, I dream about her pretty much every night, sometimes that we’re happy together and sometimes that we’ve broken up. I am full of guilt and shame - I feel like I need to say sorry to her all the time. I feel like I need some sort of closure still and I don’t want her to hate me.

I’m looking for someone who has maybe gone through a similar situation or can give me any advice on how to move forward with my life because I feel like I’m stuck in a rut.

Thank you

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