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Lost my cat of 19 years. Lost my life


Lightbreak22

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Lightbreak22

I’m not really sure where to start. I got my 2 sweetest boys when I was tiny. Maybe 6 or so. The first brother, he died in 2018. It was very hard. I was broken but had my other baby there to grieve with. We grieved together. I’ve been diagnosed with various health issues that make me very ill and in pain. I also have severe anxiety. My boy was always there. Every. Single. Time. He would literally lick away my tears and his sweet nose would touch my cheeks. Like he was telling me, “Hey sis. It’s okay! I want you to feel better what can I do to help?!”. He just always knew when I needed him. He never scratched or bit. He was the chillest cat. You could hold him like a baby and even at 19, he would just sit in our arms and curl up. He would bolt down the stairs the second he heard me at the door. We had a connection I can’t explain. He was so spoiled and pampered. I wanted to give him everything he wanted and he was a main priority in my life.
Then my world shattered and froze. He started getting sick. He was limping and not eating. We took him in and found his kidneys were shutting down. We tried mediation to help. He laid on heating pads and my blankets and sherpa sweaters (he loved these so much). He was shaking from not being able to keep body heat. He refused his favorite treats. But still, he would weakly crawl over and lick my tears. This picture is burned into my brain and I sob everytime I think about it. We gave him the best last days. I told him how much I loved him. I sang to him and told him it would be ok and he is so loved and to please not be scared.
We knew it was time. Wrapping him up in his favorite blanket and loading him in the car with his favorite bed.. it broke me. I sobbed on the floor and screamed and begged the world to make this stop. We said our goodbyes and my sweet boy was gone. So fast. 
this was 2 or 3 months ago I don’t even know what time is right now. I feel so broken and traumatized. Everyday I feel like my heart is ripping. Out of my chest. I’m writting this during a flare up and crying spells which has turned to a huge panic attack.  I miss him so much and don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m asking for posting for this, I think I just need to get it all out and need help. 
 

 

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Lightbreak22

Here is my baby.. would give everything to have him snuggled in me like this 

EBE9B6F5-4560-49BD-943C-87C019EC3677.jpeg

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I'm sorry for what you are going through.  I have and still do the same exact thing, go over that last trip.  I lost my dog last October and I have still yet to move her bed or water bowl.  Having him with you that many years is a blessing that a lot of cat owners have not experienced.  

I understand how it feels at times to where you can't stand it and wonder how you'll make it through the day, heck through the hour.  But you have to remember all those many years shared with you that created memories that will live for eternity.  I know exactly why you posted here.  I did for the same reasons.  You can't say why but you know there is some comfort knowing others "get it".

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I am so sorry, I lost my 25 year old Kitty last year to kidney & liver failure, they said they could do nothing for her.  I lost my soulmate in a dog just a few months before from inoperable cancer.  I wish more than anything that they could be here, they were my family and meant everything, I'd lost our other family member (cat) just four years beforehand.  I know it hurts like everything, and I wish I could say something to comfort you but know of no way but straight through the grief, allowing yourself to cry and feel the pain...little by little the unthinkable happens and we begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives, but that can take a very long time.  I carry my grief with me, I miss and love them still and always will.  They are buried side by side replete with memorial stones, in my back yard.

I am glad you found your way here as it does help to express ourselves and know we are heard by people that "get it."  We do.  (((hugs)))
I'm hoping this brings you some comfort and peace, I totally believe we'll be with them again.

 

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I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's impossible to describe the agony and suffering unless one has gone through it. I would not wish this pain on anyone. Our little ones become such a vital part of our lives. So much so that nearly everything we are and all that we do is defined by our relationship with them. When they are suddenly gone they leave a massive hole that nothing can fill. I have been through what you are experiencing, and like you, more than once. They were my best friends, my family. The sudden emptiness was debilitating. Sobbing non-stop, wishing for one more minute with them, denying that they were in fact gone. The grief seemed insurmountable.

Coming here and talking about our love for our babies and our life with them provides some degree of comfort. It will not make the tears go away or the emptiness subside but it can provide a release, even if only momentary. What helped me immensely was finding online pet loss chat rooms with others currently grieving. Being able to convey what I was feeling even while crying at my keyboard helped greatly. It was one of the few things that got me through the loss and loneliness in the beginning.

What ultimately helped me the most was adopting needy and "unadoptable" kitties who would have ultimately been relegated to euthanasia or life in a cage. It may be too soon for that right now but perhaps someday if and when it feels right for you.

I hope you're able to find peace in that you gave your fur babies a beautiful life. And in return they clearly enriched your life beyond measure. 

Take care and be well.

Biscuit's Dad

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