year 2 and it seems harder than the 1st

[Jttalways]

My husband passed 9/19. The first year was hell, especially those first few months. I NEVER want to experience that ever again. I feel the first year there was alot of shock and numbness, then COVID happened and i was semi-distracted with that, all the fear and adjusting. Now that i'm on the 2nd year, I think I am more depressed. I am behaving in some destructive behavior. I wont go into details about all the things i'm doing, but 1 thing is I've been partying hard on the weekends. Most of the time drinking to the point where I black out. It's like I have this empty hole inside of me, and the boozing and partying fills it momentarily. In those brief moments I feel exhilarated and alive. Then once the party's over, I come home and I'm on my own. The loneliness hits me and I feel empty again. Has anyone else experienced this?

[myloss123]

I completely understand what you're going through. I lost my fiancé almost 2 years ago. Breast and brain cancer, too young (35). I feel that first year was hell but also felt really numb. I I moved, took a new job, just to have something else to think about, but when sleep time came, it was hard. I now feel, this second year, it's a lot more difficult. Reality sets in, friends/family go away because it's easier to pretend it didn't happen and don't have to hear you say their name than to deal with the reality you lost the person who understood you. I also get the alcohol use. This is a bit hypocritic, as I unfortunately also  deal with problems via alcohol, when I am a psychologist working with people who often times have  substance abuse issues. I don't go out and drink, but when I have free days, I go comfortably numb through the day, functional, but just numb enough to get things done. It helps me physically take apart my apartment, as I've decided it's time to move to a different state and start something new. It's very difficult, but worth it if you have the ability and means to do so. 

Feel free to message me if you want some support. I get it. It's hard. It's 3pm my time and already on the second glass of scotch. It's hard, but we'll get through it. 

I'm really sorry for your loss.

[Missy1]

I am in year two,  14 months, it feels hopeless and I don’t know how I made it through year 1, I agree with you.

 I can step out of myself and see the deterioration in my face and body, sadly I have aged rapidly in the last year. I still cry every day and hate my existence on this earth without him. Nothing is okay, I remain very sad, unable to see any light yet. Our life seems to be so long ago, it hurts so much. I feel left behind and pray God has a plan that i might not have to suffer long here. Some days my skin hurts, my chest is heavy with pain, my soul is restless...honey I am coming home someday, I long to see his sweet face someday.

[Jttalways]

@myloss123 My husband also passed at 35. He battled leukemia. Too young. Thank you for the support and offering additional support. I have free therapy/counseling offered thru my work, but I just can’t bring myself to call. Maybe I will one day soon. 
 

@Missy1 I have aged rapidly also. I didn’t have any wrinkles last year and now I do! I also feel hopeless at times, but my teenage son keeps me going. I told him I’m like a balloon ready to float away, but he’s the string that keeps me tethered to the ground. 

[KayC]

I want to acknowledge your feeling that the second year is harder than the first...these are feelings shared by many!  Reality has more than set in and it's been even longer since we've seen them, the missing them exacerbates, and the struggles seems insurmountable!  That said, I want to give you the glimmer of hope for the fact that it's been almost 16 years since I lost my George!  I never thought I could survive this, but here I am, still doing it today...take one day at a time, be patient and understanding of yourself and make positive choices for yourself...you are worth it.

Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way

[myloss123]

Thanks for the responses and the support. Jttalways, if you're thinking about therapy, do it. As a former therapist, I can tell you it really helps. You get to unload to someone who doesn't know you, and won't judge. It's not the same as friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, who none will understand. It took me a while that I needed some help and it's not a sign of weakness. Unfortunately, our society is not ready to accept that you can ask for extra support through therapy even though you're not "crazy". Look for someone who does Reality therapy, or holistic. It grounds you more in the now. 

If you have difficulties with sleep, like I think many of us do, look up some ASMR videos or podcasts. The soothing voices help. Also, weighted blankets have been a big help for me. I was skeptical at first about these, but decided to try them. as I'm not pro medication unless absolutely necessary.  The do work most of the time. Panic attacks in the middle of night still happen for me, but thy are more rare recently. 

As for the ageing, I agree. I haven't had white hair before, now it's showed up in my beard, mustache, hair. Stress and grief do some much physical damage that not many understand yet.

Anyway, just a few ideas that have worked for me and hopefully may work for you and others.

[jmmosley53]

On 3/25/2021 at 1:14 PM, Jttalways said:

Most of the time drinking to the point where I black out. It's like I have this empty hole inside of me, and the boozing and partying fills it momentarily. In those brief moments I feel exhilarated and alive. Then once the party's over, I come home and I'm on my own. The loneliness hits me and I feel empty again.

Hello Jttalways

Forgive me for saying but what you wrote broke my heart.  18 years ago I was in a very similar place regarding drinking.  For me going to a program made a world of difference in how I viewed myself, the world.  If drinking is becoming a problem seek help.  Dealing with grief is enough, adding a destructive behavior just complicates things. I wish you wellness and peace.

[TLN]

On 3/25/2021 at 3:23 PM, myloss123 said:

...you lost the person who understood you. I also get the alcohol use. This is a bit hypocritic, as I unfortunately also  deal with problems via alcohol, when I am a psychologist working with people who often times have  substance abuse issues.

Dear myloss123, I, too, feel like such a hypocrite, as I used alcohol to kill the pain after my Father died (though I have since stopped)--and I am a Christian! Or, at least, I used to be. God, since Father died, feels dead to me too. I don't know how to explain it other than to say his presence has left me and now I am alone. The loss is agony. But I persevere. 'Tis all I know to do. So grateful for you all. TLN.

[KayC]

I didn't get help with the sleep for YEARS!  I finally realized in so doing I had just made it harder on myself. I'm non-apologetic for taking a sleeping pill every night now, without which I would be sorely lacking in sleep.  I've tried all the usual suggestions for years, we do what we need to get by.

[Jttalways]

My sleep is erratic. Sometimes I sleep well, too much, not enough or none at all. Around this time last year I had really bad depression, anxiety and insomnia. I asked my doctor for pills and I was told to take melatonin and to see a therapist. I said forget it and I started to drink to numb the pain. I know I am depressed but I do not have the will to seek help or try pull myself out of it. I am not suicidal or anything like that. I’m just sad. 

[Gail 8588]

JTTalways, 

This is a miserable journey, isn't it.  Sad. Such a short simple word. But when it goes on an on, it is life crushing. 

I am sorry your doctor was resistant to prescribing you medication to help you sleep. My sleep was terrible for years. I would only get 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night for a month or more and then sleep for 2 days barely getting up.  Then revert back to 2 or 3 hours of sleep. It is a wonder I didn't crash my car driving I was so sleep deprived.  

Somewhere in year three, I told my doctor and he prescribed an antianxiety medication to take at bedtime and it has really helped me get much better sleep. 

I generally sleep 7 hours a night now. I feel much better, it really helped clear up some of my brain fog.  I think getting more sleep also contributed to my "getting better" during my 4th year of grief.

I would try talking to your doctor again about your chronic sleep deprivation. Perhaps he will be more helpful now. 

A weighted blanket has also helped me sleep more soundly.  You may have to run your A/C  extra cool because the weighted blanket is pretty warm.  It was good this past winter, but I have put it away now (in Florida it was 86 degrees F today.)

Hugs

Gail

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Jttalways said:

I asked my doctor for pills and I was told to take melatonin and to see a therapist.

I hope you'll consider going to a different doctor...I recently did and am so glad I took that leap!  I had one doctor for 32 years, the next for 11, so I didn't take this lightly.  But if a doctor doesn't hear you or help you, time to find another.  Ask your friends for recommendations, I even did a survey on line of our townspeople, who they went to, did they like them, if so why or why not?  It helped.  I tried Melatonin years ago, it helps my daughter and one sister, it does nothing for me.  I tried all the usual tips, not being online or watching news before bed, having a bedtime ritual, snuggling with my puppy, not eating within three hours of bedtime, etc. etc. etc.  Still I'd lay awake in the night.  I feel for you.  Sleep is one of the most essential things we can do for our health and well being!  It's hard to function without it.

[DMB]

I too would drink way too much to try and dull the pain.  For a time, I was so angry that I even woke up!  All my life I would kick myself for over doing it, so everyday I challenge myself to either not drink at all, or pour out the recommended quantity and when it's gone, it's gone.  My sleep is awful on the nights that I do not have a glass or two of wine.  So I try not having a glass until AFTER dinner and that seems to help.  I don't have too much but it's enough to have a good nights sleep.  It's really hard to not have a drink when you get home from work.  My husband and I did this regularly.  Old habits, and associations are hard to break.  It's still a day to day thing for me in regards to drinking.  I feel if there are a few nights per week of not having any, that's progress.  Best wishes to you.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  It is good that you recognize it.

[Jttalways]

On 3/28/2021 at 7:19 AM, KayC said:

I hope you'll consider going to a different doctor...

Thanks Kay, I am going to. This week is the first time my depression seems almost crippling. I have never been this depressed before. No problem sleeping this time, if anything all i want to do is sleep. 

 

On 3/29/2021 at 10:06 AM, DMB said:

I too would drink way too much to try and dull the pain.

I am drinking to dull the pain and to momentarily forget. I only drink on weekends and I do not drink alone. Hopefully this doesnt change.

[KayC]

I'm happy with my new doctor although dealing with their procedures is harder, a lot of on line forms each time you go in, questionnaires and questionnaires!  But worth it to have a doctor that cares and is up to date with their knowledge & progressiveness.  Let us know how it goes!  I asked around in my community who people liked, etc. and why.

[chincube]

@Jttalways I'm coming to the end of 2nd year, and I have been distracting myself with a lot of things. I drank a lot during the first year, I couldn't sleep at all if I didn't drink. And then I got really sick, then I know I can't do that anymore, nobody is going to take care of me if I'm not ok and get sick. I do a lot of things that bystanders would frown on or don't understand too, but to be honest I have to do what I have to do to survive and cope. No one else should have right to judge or even comment. However take care of yourself, if you notice things getting out of hand, maybe there's other things you can turn to, to distract and cope.

I've been taking 5-htp for half year, mainly because of my PMS has been 10 folds more serious than before. It became overwhelming and I'd be too depressed to do anything for more than a week each month. It does help, but I know it doesn't help everyone though.

I went to therapy at the beginning and then stopped because of financial reason. I've started back therapy again few weeks ago, because I have been feeling very bad lately. I didn't really know what's the benefit of therapy the first time, probably because I still couldn't set in what was happening. But now after nearly 2 years, I feel that unloading feelings in therapy is way better than talking about it with friends. Sometimes friends may have the best intention but respond with most hurtful words, that they don't even realize. In therapy you get to unload your feelings, not feeling judge, try to make sense of what you feel and why you feel that. So I'd say go for it if you feel like it.

[KayC]

@chincube  Oh I hear you and agree, I needn't have worried about what friends would say as they all disappeared immediately!  A good counselor is worth their weight in gold...my first one was NOT!  I learned if one isn't resonating, try another.  I was lucky to get a great one on my other site.  Over the years she has become not only my mentor, but my friend.   I wish you well.

[myloss123]

Hey everyone,

I just wanted to reiterate the importance of truly taking care of ourselves, because increased, intense, and neverending stress really can do severe physical damage. I know you all know this, but I wanted to offer a recent personal example, as of a week ago. I have been experiencing intense stress, more than normal, really intense, not only due to grief, but major life changes, like loss of job, deciding to move to a different state, only place I still have a solid support system, my closest friend. Other things too. Lack of sleep, no appetite and eating poorly, car issues... Anyway, on my way to move to my best friend and his family, I had to stop on the fwy halfway through. I had a weird feeling, bad weather ( a wall of white and extreme snow), and exhausted. It's a 14 hr drive. I pulled into a rest area, and all of a sudden, I felt something I've never felt before. Distortion, change of smell, and a seizure set in, suddenly. I bit on my wallet, grabbed the seat with on hand, dug my feet into the car floor, and other arm around the steering wheel because my head and whole body just wanted to jerk forward, twisting. By the time it was over, I was sweating as if I had just taken a shower. I tried to stand up outside, but I had no stability and my knees buckled. Sat in the car for a bit to recompose and see if I was capable to at least drive to the next exit 10 miles down and maybe get a room and figure things out. I was unable to and in the next 2 hours, I had 2 more seizures. It's the scariest thing I've been through. I had to pay a large amount of money to have my car towed to where my friend said he could come pick me up, several hours from him. Made it there, got out of the car, and before he could grab me, I fell mid seizure again. Next thing I remember, I was in an ambulance and then woke up in the ER with them cutting off my clothes. They did all the tests they could, scans all over the body, brain...I had cut up my right temple and cheek during the fall. They found nothing abnormal and I need to do some extra scans soon. This was weird, as I have always been pretty healthy and never had any seizures. Next day, and to this day, my ankle still hurts. Because of how hard I jammed my foot into the floor to keep from smacking my head against the wheel or dashboard, I sprained my ankle to where it's hard to walk without a brace, and even then. I also dislocated my right shoulder from how hard my body shook and trying to keep myself against the wheel somewhat steady. 

I know it's a long description, but I've been told that since they saw no abnormalities and it was not due to drugs/substances/alcohol, their only opinion is that it was stress induced. So stress can really do a number on you, unexpectedly. Force yourself to eat, even if it's just liquid, sleep by any means necessary, and try, by whatever means, to manage that stress. 

Keep fighting, otherwise the brain takes over and will physically destroy you to keep itself alive. 

[Gail 8588]

Wow!  That sounds terrifying. 

Glad you came through it relatively okay (didn't crash your car, injure yourself more severely, that the seizures ceased).

Sort of hoping they track down an underlying cause (that I don't have) as it is pretty frightening to think it can happen to anyone. 

Hang in there. 

Gail

[KayC]

@myloss123  OMG, that sounds horrifying!  Thank God you had the presence of mind to handle it as you did AND that you have a really good friend to be there for you!  A lot of us do not have that anymore but I'm so thankful you do!  Maybe sign up for yoga, do meditation and pray!  Take walks EVERY day as it helps!  I can not accentuate enough how important self-care is, especially now that we're alone!  This could have had a horrid ending, I'm so glad you're going to be okay!