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My dearest friend is now gone


Null

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My dearest and loveliest companion left me today.

 

My family knew it would happen. I knew it would happen. And him, especially so. Poor baby had been suffering these past few days and it was cruel to prolong it. However, that doesn't mean that we no longer had the hope that he would ever recover. We hoped. And that's why it hurts even more. 

Yesterday, even though he could no longer stand for more than a few moments, he would insist on walking - or visiting - every place he had such attachment to. He would go to his spot in our dining room, as if asking for his usual treat although he no longer had the appetite. He would sit in the middle of the hallway, the place he would frequently doze off to in the lazy afternoons. He sniffed around the bathroom door, probably trying to find a trace of his "mark". He would go outside, staring with his vision-less eyes, either soaking in the sun or feeling the breeze of the outside. He tried and tried to go under the bed, his favorite napping area, but we wouldn't allow him, his IV would not make his desire possible. I regretted not letting him and maybe he regretted it too. He visited each and every of these places as if he was saying goodbye. He was saying goodbye.

His cough was terrible. There were times he would jolt awake during one of his attacks and I would rush over and soothe him as gently as I could. I hope he was soothed. His breathing was ragged and it was painful to hear. And selfishly, I still hoped for him to live on. Every few minutes or so, I would look back and make sure he was breathing, no matter how labored it was. And I would breath in relief.

But now he's gone. Forever. I could no longer see him, nor touch him. I could no longer smell his scent, at times strong but most frequently something familiar. I could no longer look him in the eyes, gently rub his lids and hoping he could see me. I could no longer embrace him, feel his compact body on my stomach. I could no longer kiss his forehead, which sometimes makes me wonder, with how his countenance changes when I do so, if he understood that it was how I show my love.

The last time I saw him was when I was about to go to sleep. It was too late in the early morning, we kept ourselves awake in our living room with him to make sure that he would not be uncomfortable or try to wander somewhere else. He woke up after a coughing fit and bolted up, as if wanting to get away. We supported him, coaxing him to show us where he wants to go. He led us under the mirror, rasping heavily. We laid him down on his pillow and tried our best to calm him down. That was when my grandmother woke up and told us to sleep, she would take over the watch. I took my things back to the bedroom and on my last trip, I ruffled the fur on his head, saying his name affectionately. That was my goodbye. 

That morning, I was woken up by my mother, trying her best not to cry, saying that he had already left us. I was calm when she told me, understanding that it really was his time to go. I asked her where he is and she pointed out through the open door. And he was there. That was when the calm broke and great wracking sobs came out from my mouth.

I didn't see his remains. He was cradled in a big basket, a white curtain encasing him. That's all I saw for I didn't want to see him not breathing. Every single day since I could remember, I would just look at him and wonder how he was breathing - how amazing it was that he was alive. And now he's not. So I didn't look. 

His burial was scheduled then on the late afternoon. I wanted to be told when it would happen but I was resolved to watch from a distance. He stayed outside in his basket, waiting to be swallowed by dirt. I never visited then. But, that late afternoon, I was hit by the realization that I would never see him again - even if I saw him while not being his usual self. I ran towards the back door, hoping to see him for that last time but then I saw my father flattening a mound of dirt in the distance and then I knew, I was too late.

Sometimes, when I had the open door at my periphery, I would think I see a white-furred body sprawled on the carpet. I would then open my mouth to call out his name until realizing he was not there. I would look back and see if I could catch a glimpse of him when I thought I heard his breathing. I would lay down on the sofa, reaching out below me as if to ruffle a phantom fur. When I feel incredibly down, a strong urge to hug him would arise until the cruel truth douses such inclination away. I would sometimes smell a scent that smelled like him - but no, that could not be as he's already gone.

Percy, I hope you are happy and rested in heaven or wherever you are. I am forever grateful for the 11 long years that we had with each other. You were there for a half of my life while I was in the entirety of yours. Let us meet each other someday, my sunshine. It is now time for you to rest.

 

 

xxx

I don't think I'll check back on this, I just wanted to let it all out somewhere anonymously. To everyone who is experiencing or had experienced this type of loss, I hope we would all accept it and move on eventually. I still cannot accept it though.

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Null, I have no doubt he knew it was your way of showing love.  And this all brought back memories of my Arlie's last days, how special each moment was...how important it was for him to make his way to his GF's house and visit her one last time, he'd been there for her all her life and her owner cut us off the last year...I inwardly dared the owner to deny him his dying wish but he didn't, fortunately.  He tried to run/play with her, but it was slow and more going through the motions, all the days they hung out together.  It was laborious for him to make his way home with me, we had to go slowly and stop and rest several times and I thought about going and getting the car for him, but somehow sensed this was important to him to do on his own, so we made our way home together.  He spent the rest of his night laying on the couch, weary, but smiling.  He's said goodbye to his best friend.

I am so sorry for your loss.  This is the hardest journey, the journey of losing our precious friend/companion/family member, our loyal trusted fur friend.  There is no replacement, none other like that special one, and we well know it.  I am so sorry for your pain, for I know it is great.  I wish I knew of words to comfort you but I leave you with this host of articles linked here and a short video I hope brings you comfort and peace.

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm

 

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In case you ever do look back, just to say we understand how awful and difficult this is. I lost my best friend Goldie 14 weeks ago. Its like living in a nightmare, I'm still so sad. They take so much of us with them. Thinking of you. 

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omg!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I got a new dog that looks like my Sissie ,were getting her on the 29 of mar jack,rat terrier about 10lb she 1 year old ,I came here to see how everything and people were doing. And I read your post ,I cryed like a baby .Your well written post about your baby was over the top beatiful.Im so sorry ,that feeling of wanting to dig my dog up,Is gone now but boy I thought about it,I no it sounds gosh awful. But I was so missing her, Thank you for your beautiful post .It will get better my 4 dogs that passed away in the past 20 years ,I felt sad, but Sissie really took me for a heartache bad,love to you.

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11 hours ago, yvo4848 said:

that feeling of wanting to dig my dog up,Is gone now but boy I thought about it,I no it sounds gosh awful. But I was so missing her

I thought I was the only one that thought had occurred to!  I'm glad I didn't but I felt desperate to see his beautiful face one more time...

 

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