I lost my father 3 months ago and I'm not coping.

[Thross]

Hi everyone, 

I'm 28 from the UK.

I lost my father due to Covid in early December. He had been ill for a few months before but the reality that he wouldn't recover truly set in that November when he went into hospital. I spent the majority of November acting strong for him but I was self medicating with alcohol on a nightly basis. The last time I saw him was in October for a short time, during the lockdown in the UK I wasn't able to visit him in hospital, and I was unable to visit him or speak to him before he died. This crippled me. For the majority of December, I was in complete shock, I was trying to come to terms with the fact I would never see or hear my father again. 

His funeral was in early January, and around a week after his funeral I fell into a deep depression. In an attempt to improve my sleep, appetite and mood, I set myself a goal to exercise, quit drinking and try to talk to my loved ones more. I successfully quit drinking (haven't had anything in nearly 2 months) my appetite has improved a small amount but my sleep is not improving. In my dreams, I relive the past 3 months in a night, almost every night and I wake up feeling like I've gone through an ordeal as opposed to a path to recovery. 

February, was a month full of complete ups and downs but I'm finding myself crying at random intervals every day. I also have noticed that I have huge anxiety in relation to all aspects of my life, I feel like I'm going to lose my job, lose my loved ones and lose everything without any control over it. March unfortunately has continued this trend up to this point and I cannot shake out of it. I've stopped enjoying all of the things I normally do and some nights, I will sit in my bedroom and do literally nothing. 

I am messaging this forum because I am struggling. I am struggling so much. Unfortunately, self help sites, reassurance from my friends are not working. If anyone can lend me any tips or suggestions to help, I will listen to anything at this point. 

Thank you for taking a moment to read this. I miss my dad so much, it still hasn't sunk in.

[Monty]

Hi Thross,

I am sorry you are going through this. I too lost my Dad at the end of October last year and I am not coping. I did not get to talk to him again after I called the ambulance that fateful day but that was because he was in an induced coma and never became conscious again. 

To people looking from the outside I’m coping well. I’m working, my kids are happy and I am not openly crying in front of people. Inside I am crushed and I am not ok. I have made an appointment to see my doctor this week to get a referral for someone (grief counselling) to talk to. I’m hoping this will help me. 

I think what you are experiencing is very normal. I too get anxious that something will happen to other loved ones now I know how cruel life can be at times. I try to carry my parents love with me. What would that want for me? What would your Dad want for you?

You have done well to stop drinking and eat healthy. It is important to be kind to yourself and nurture yourself during times like these. I too struggle with sleep so I have no advice there. I am hopeful that one day in the future I will sleep well again. 

We are not ok but it is ok that we are not ok. We have had some wonderful men in our lives and now they are gone. We can honour them, carry them with us in our hearts and put one foot in front of the other. We can do this! Take care.  

[Thross]

Hi both, 

Thank you so much for your messages, I can't express to you how much it means to read your stories and your help. 

Monty- Sorry for your loss last year, I commend you for caring about others around you but I hope that you're not bottling up your emotions, as sometimes you need the self care and to accept that you need to make time for yourself. I am working as well, although it's been a struggle I think that sometimes working takes my mind off the whole scenario or provides some kind of escape. I have also spoken to my doctor last week to arrange grief counselling as well. I don't know what to expect, as I will be honest with you and say that I have never struggled with my mental health or accepted it was an issue before but I have accepted that it is okay not to be okay. I think the toughest part of what has stuck with me is that I wasn't able to talk to him. I have punished myself mentally for months due to the fact I was not able to help him, i've felt helpless and my self esteem and willpower have taken a huge hit because of that. I hope your sleep improves, as I'm sure like me you are finding it contributes to many of your negative thoughts. I appreciate your comments and I know that we will get through this. 

 

MissionBlue- Thank you for your kind comments and help with the link, I will definitely look into looking into my sleep patterns and will try to improve things. Your words have been very helpful to me and I hope that you continue in the right direction also. I have scheduled with my Doctor to visit a therapist so I am hoping that some grief counselling will allow me to improve. I am trying, every day I am trying and I am hoping that I will improve, as it feels a long way off at the moment.

 

Thanks and all the best to both of you. 

[Dana3]

4 hours ago, Thross said:

that sometimes working takes my mind off the whole scenario or provides some kind of escape. I have also spoken to my doctor last week to arrange grief counselling as well. I don't know what to expect, as I will be honest with you and say

 

[Dana3]

Just taking in your experience, so sorry to know of your losses. I lost my father a month ago. It’s getting harder. I think my disbelief is now eroding to the reality of this. I think....because I came into this world with a mother, father, moon, sun and stars, he became as much a fixture as these constellations so the absence of my father feels.....impossible. My experience is like Thross. It’s just exceptionally difficult and depression is gaining footing. Nothing written above helps me. I don’t want to distract myself. I want to learn how to think about loss and how to live again, fully, with loss. I want to find my way with grief. 

[Thross]

Hi Dana3, 

Thank you for your kind response and I'm so sorry for your loss with this. The month before my father passing away and the month after were simply complete shock. Allow yourself to grieve openly and don't believe yourself to be "doing it wrong". Unfortunately, I have not begun to heal yet, so unfortunately I can't help apart from to say that I am holding out for things to get easier. At the moment, I am doing things by months. I am hoping to get to June/July and look back at now with making progress. I don't expect everything to be fully better but if I can look back that I have made improvement then that would be positive. 

Thank you,

[40somethinggenXer]

On 3/6/2021 at 10:08 PM, Dana3 said:

 

I lost my dad July 10 due to Cancer.  Since he died I feel totally detached from the world and everyone.  It hurts.   Down to my core.   He was the only one that got me.  And I didn't appreciate it or even see it until he was gone and was left with empty rooms and quiet phone.  My dad texted and called and hung out with me so much I never had time to notice how much the rest of them didn't.   I mean I get it, I'm hard to deal with sometimes, but my dad......he didn't give a **** I was his daughter damn it!  And now he's gone.  And I'm left with a trail of bad choices and people who would rather not suffer my swings.   My kids have just left the nest, kind of.....my son moved back with me who is 20 and I worry about preparing him to be his own man but partly want to be selfish because they feel like the only family I got sometimes now.  I dunno maybe I should be the one that always makes the effort but after awhile it just starts to kill the self esteem.   And maybe I'm holding them to too high of standards my family on that side really ain't never been close, but it is what it is.

[Dana3]

Dear 40somethinggenxer,

I hear you. The love of a parent is unlike any other love. There is no right timing or right path with grief. It’s a journey that takes you. Remember self care, and that fulfilling all he wanted for you and the carrying forward of his values are ways to both honor him and heal. 

Unless 

This cumulus cloud;

the sea gathers it

to a majestic place

as cooler air

rises

warmed by the surface. 

 

And this, my accumulous cloud;

it, too, gathers, though 

in obscuration, as it 

descends, 

as my warmer air 

 

is cooled,

is cooled. 

 

In its gathering, and in its 

 

accompaniment,

 

do I eventually alchemize into something that only grows in its shade

 

like hemlock, the lenten rose and creeping myrtle?

 

or erode and resurface slowly in its vapors 

 

with a patina of green or black or rust?

 

All I know is that it falls,

it follows,

unless the sea becomes what warms.

 

Unless

 

the see,

the see,

 

ascends

 

out of, and over,

 

And I become 

heir 

to that billowing placeholder.

 

 

 

[reader]

Dear Thross,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your loss. The pain and sorrow of losing a parent is unimaginable. Please be gentle and kind to yourself. Keep taking it day by day. I know for myself, I felt so raw for the first 2 years and even now almost 5 years there are so many days it hurts that my dad is not here on this earth with us.

It is important to be surrounded by loving and understanding friends and family. I tried so many different things, grief support group grief counselling, art, writing and reading. This forum saved me. I met so many like minded people and it gave me safe place to share my feelings.

Please know we are with you.

[Eamonm]

Hi thross, just lost my father to covid in January and am also having a very hard time dealing with it, he was only 62 and healthy before hand, not being able to beside him when he passed or to try and pull him through this kills me everyday and doesn't seem to be getting any easier, just been stripped of so much time because of covid

[Thross]

Hi Eamonm,

So sorry to hear about your recent loss of your father. I can completely empathise with your experience, the hardest part for me was not being able to speak to or see my father in the run up or at the time. I have struggled with coming to terms with that for the months since December. Please make sure that you give yourself time to heal, don't burden yourself with work where possible and take each step at a time. I signed up to bereavement therapy recently, I have found it is starting to make me feel better. I have come to terms with the fact that I won't heal for a long time but I am hoping that in the coming months the I will be able to look back on now and I would have improved. 

Please give yourself time, things will get easier. 

[Eamonm]

Cheers thross, I really hope you make in roads to improvement soon, covid has made our loss a real nightmare and have a feeling it may take us that bit longer to accept it

 

Here's hoping to feeling OK at some point 

[Thross]

Hi everyone, 

Just to update a bit on where i'm at. I've been really up and down but I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I recently signed up to have bereavement counselling, it is helping me a bit with coming to terms with everything. Some days I'm feeling at a "new normal" as it were and other days, I'm still struggling to come to terms with loss. On April 13th it would have been my fathers birthday, i spent the day thinking of positive memories and although it was sad, it felt more positive than negative for me. 

Since then, i've been back to trying to go to my normal working life, as COVID restrictions are lifting, I'm now able to see loved ones and try to get my mind back to some kind of normality. I feel different now, I don't feel like I'm the happy individual I was before, I feel like it's me but I'm struggling to get my smile back. I hope it comes back naturally. 

I hope that everyone is well and safe, i'm still believing that the process is happening but I'm positive for myself and for everyone else going through grief in this difficult time.