Emotional Trauma

[Diane R. E.]

Although I have posted about my husband Doug before, and how we had just moved from Minnesota to Arizona, I now want to tell his full story. So much has happened in the last year and a half, and I think I'm feeling some emotional trauma in addition to the grief of losing him. So here is Doug's story. (I've left out a lot of details.)

Background Information: My husband’s health had been declining for the past few years. He had been an insulin-dependent diabetic for a number of years, and even though he kept his blood sugars in good control, he still developed peripheral neuropathy and decreasing kidney function. In addition, he had cardiovascular disease and had a stent put in many years ago. In September 2019, Doug developed sepsis, so was admitted to ICU, and subsequently went into septic shock and suffered a cardiac arrest during the night. They were able to resuscitate and intubate him, and then called me to come to the hospital. I was there no more than a few minutes when he arrested again, so I watched them do CPR and administer medications, and they got a heart rate back. Once Doug was weaned off the ventilator, they discovered he had signs of having had a small stroke, so they started him on blood thinners. He then had a major GI bleed from those, and went into complete kidney failure. That’s when he was started on dialysis on a permanent basis. This past summer, Doug developed more severe pain in his right leg, and after some tests, they determined he had peripheral arterial disease, especially in his right leg. He saw a vascular surgeon, but she felt he didn’t need surgery, even though he was in constant pain, even at rest. She told him to follow up with his cardiologist, because Doug also had aortic stenosis. He saw the cardiologist, and after an echocardiogram, they said he needed his aortic valve replaced as soon as possible. However, this was right before we were scheduled to leave for Arizona, so they said to follow up with a cardiologist when we got settled. The last week of this past August, we began our drive to Arizona.

Two days before we arrived in Phoenix, the pain in Doug’s right leg was so severe he couldn’t bear weight on it. Somehow, he persevered until we got here, and then stuck it out for six days after we got into our new apartment. That’s when I took him to an ER, where they discovered he had a blood clot in his right femoral artery that was occluding blood flow to his lower leg. He was started on a Heparin drip (a blood thinner) and plans were started to do surgery. However, before the vascular surgeon would do the surgery, he wanted cardiology to give approval due to Doug’s cardiac history. After cardiology did their full work up in the hospital, they determined Doug needed 3 cardiac stents as well as a new aortic valve and that those were a higher priority than his leg. They proceeded with the heart surgery, and Doug actually had a cardiac arrest in the OR, but they were able to successfully resuscitate him with CPR and medications. After that is when he was transferred to the cardiac-thoracic ICU. He was able to come off the ventilator the next day, and began to recover from surgery. Unfortunately, Doug then had another severe GI bleed due to the blood thinners. (First the heparin and then a standard blood thinner for anyone who has a heart valve replaced.) After many, many units of blood and platelets over the course of a week or so, and after having a procedure to stop the hemorrhage in his gastric artery, he once again began the process of recovery. However, he began to retain fluid in his legs, and also developed fluid in his lungs, which necessitated insertion of a chest tube. During this time, the toes on his right foot turned purple and then black, and his skin began to break down. More time passed, and he was finally cleared for surgery on his leg, which was done on October 5^th. The surgery went fine, and I remember how excited we were that blood flow to his lower right leg was finally restored. Late that afternoon, Doug developed some respiratory distress but responded well to high oxygen flow via a mask. However, the Nurse Practitioner called me late that evening to tell me they had to intubate Doug and put him on the ventilator. At that point the NP said the prognosis was not good. The next morning, I was back at the hospital the moment visiting hours started. They were keeping Doug sedated, so he was not responsive, but I talked to him and held his hand. Even though Doug was in a critical, unstable condition, there was still hope at that point. In fact, they decided to put in a different line to put him on continuous dialysis and to do a bronchoscopy to get a better idea of what was going on in his lungs. Before they started those procedures, the doctor took me aside and said that although they would do everything they could medically, CPR would be useless if Doug’s heart were to stop. So, I agreed, even though I was thinking it would not come to that. I had to go to a waiting room while the procedures were going on, and when the nurse finally came to get me, I assumed it was just because they were done. Well, they were done with the procedures, which Doug tolerated ok, and were waiting for radiology to come do a chest x-ray when Doug started having an irregular heart rate. I was with him, talking to him and hugging him as best I could when his heart stopped about 15 minutes later. I knew the exact moment he passed, but they didn’t turn the ventilator off right away so his lungs kept being inflated. It was very difficult watching his chest rise knowing he had passed. Finally, someone gently laid their hand on my shoulder and told me that they were going to turn off the machine. I am glad I was there with him and was able to say goodbye, but losing him and bearing the grief has been the most painful experience that no one should have to endure. Doug will be forever missed and loved.

[Gail 8588]

Diane, 

I am so very sorry.  You and Doug went through so much.

I am glad that you were able to be with him so much of the time. I cling to the thought that at least I was able to give the gift of "being there" to my husband. That he died with me holding him, telling him I loved him. It is one of the few things I feel grateful for regarding his death. 

Gail

[Maria_PI]

Diane, I am sorry you had to go through so much hardship, your husband was a very brave man to endure all this and fight to the very end! As devastating as it is to watch your loved one suffer so much, it’s some consolation that you were able to hold his hand to the end and be able to tell him you love him. It was the hardest night in my life when my husband drew his last breaths in my arms, but it was even more gut-wrenching the days before when due to COVID they wouldn’t let me in the ICU while he was in and out of sedation with this horrible sepsis. I had to fight with the doctor to let me in so he can see my face and hold my hand before they put him in a coma. I still remember him waking up from the delirium and seeing me, his face lighting up “you are here!” Even managing a smile. I can only hope these final moments with me by his side made his suffering not in vain. I am so sorry we are on this painful grief journey to no end. (((Hugs)))


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[KayC]

Diane, You and Doug went through so much, more than it seems possible to bear, I am so sorry.  Had my husband not passed when he did, his journey could have looked very similar.  My heart goes out to you, I am sending you hugs, as there are no words adequate.  

[jmmosley53]

Diane R.E.

Your story brought tears to my eyes.  I so understand how our minds listen when the medical people are telling us things.  How we look so hard for any sign that our loved ones are turning the corner and have begun doing well, only to have those hopes dashed by some unexpected event.  I know my mind raced with thoughts about things I wanted the doctors to try only to be told that no it would not be a valid course of action.  When the battle is over, we just  sit and try to figure out how these things could have gone so wrong so fast.

[Diane R. E.]

Thank you all, for your very kind words of support, and I am so sorry for your losses as well. My Doug was certainly a fighter and a trooper, and never said an unkind word, even with all he went through. During the six days he was in our new apartment, he relied on a wheeled walker with a seat, and even then he sat in front of the stove and helped to cook. He went through an unbelievable amount of physical pain and endured many procedures, yet he was not discouraged. I am so glad I was able to be at his side every day - one day when I got to the hospital I gave him a kiss and he said "I need two" (kisses). I will never forget that! I know at the end his physical body just couldn't fight anymore, but oh how I miss him.

[Sparky1]

Diane, I am in awe at how strong Doug was. He fought very bravely right to the end. With all the problems he faced, there are not many people that would have fought like he did. My wife fought hard but at the end her body just couldn't recuperate. She passed away in the middle of the night and I was a few hours away from going back to be with her. Every day when I was at the hospital I told her I love her very much, and she did the same until the very end when she no longer could.

[steveb]

Diane, I’m also in awe of your husband’s strength and yours as well. You are in my thoughts and prayers dear. 

[Roxeanne]

Diane i don't know how you both found the strength to go through all this...  

Only love you shared can give that strength..

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Diane i don't know how you both found the strength to go through all this...  

Only love you shared can give that strength..

This says it from all of us to you, Diane!

[Diane R. E.]

Thank you everyone for such kind words and support. I'm so glad I found this forum - it has been a tremendous source of understanding and support.